headspins Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 I have succumbed to what I always do when dealing with emptiness which is worse than loneliness. Its a feeling of worthlessness&self hatred for who I have become. It becomes perpetual&before you know it 10 yrs have passed. Still have'nt broken free from self- inflicting pain from chemical dependency. While together with my stbx I would use cuz of this; or that. Without her I use. I know there's no excuses&an addict always finds some kind of irrational justification, or just say eff it. I dont need to justify. The bottom line is that I am so sick&tired of living this way. Its mentally exhausting, physically I am beat&its not even fun anymore. It really never was. I know people engage in doing positive things in order to move on from divorce. Is it just as wrong to get involved with someone before the divorce has even begun? I mean some people consider it to be cheating, but some not cuz of separation. Im not too concerned with that one way or another. It no longer matters to me. Im just curious if its healthy? It just seems like its too good to be true for my stbx already talking about marriage with her new beau. Crazy this life is. This world&the people in it. Link to post Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 Are you receiving professional support and assistance for your addiction? Breaking an addiction of this magnitude is extremely difficult if your attempt is single-handed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author headspins Posted April 19, 2014 Author Share Posted April 19, 2014 I appreciate the response NoBsBuddhist. I am not recievibg professional help. I know I need it. Ive lost friends along the way. I hate to sound cliche', but my life literally has been a rollercoaster ride that never seems to end. I'd very much like it to turn into a gentle canoe ride down a tranquil stream feeling @ peace within myself. I set up an appt with a Physciatrist Mon AM who my friend referred me too. I have'nt got any insurance which is part of the reason why I have'nt been able to get professional help. Although that's a cop out cuz there are actually some avenues available. It really boils down wanting to really do it. Strong will power as ive researched&learned that there are 5 stages they've come up with to fully recovery from my choice drug. Obviously the odds are tremendously against me&most will struggle to ever break free. If its not this then its alcohol. I'm sick of it all. To be free of dependency is my life-long goal. I know I can do it. Its going to require work as I didn't become a hardened drug addict over night. Over time. Therefore, if I want I mean t ruely want it then I have to put work into it over time. Link to post Share on other sites
TheNoBSBuddhist Posted April 19, 2014 Share Posted April 19, 2014 (edited) Look for help wherever you can find it; do not stop at one thing, seek relief in different ways. But you I am sure, do realise that the hard work will be yours to do, and sometimes, it will feel as if the whole world is on your back...as they say, the buck will stop with you. If you really want to do this, avail yourself of every possible professional and moral support you can, but when it comes to putting one foot in front of the other one, the walk will be for you to endure. One step at a time, though. Easy does it, and expect slip-ups. Also, to add, search for Nar-anon, like the AA, but for those who have drug-related problems. The best way sometimes to face a habit, is to admit, openly, you have it. And others will support you. You will even be appointed a mentor. Edited April 19, 2014 by TheNoBSBuddhist Link to post Share on other sites
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