Sons holidaying with stbxw and new guy, hurts!

[Monodare1]

Hi guys

 

It's been a while, I'm Now 9 months seperated from the stbxw. She met a new guy in November past, introduced my 3 year old to him in January and now the stbxw and new guy are taking my son away for the Easter break. She initially told be she wanted our son for the full Easter weekend as her uncle was having a party for his little girls, then it became a holiday with the new guy and her mum and finally just my son with stbxw and new guy.

 

Personally, I feel she has got this all dead wrong, in my opinion this is all going too fast for my son. I'm in the early stages on seeing someone so I'm not jealous of the ex, I'm just frightened of losing my son and my place in his heart as his father.

 

I don't want this guy replacing me as a father figure as I am my sons father not him.

 

My ethics are that even if the early relationship I'm in pans out to become serious, I still wouldn't introduce my son to her until maybe 6 months down the line and even then only as a friend not "Daddy's girlfriend".

 

I need opinions and maybe someone in the same situation could share their experience?

[thedude1974]

I am in a similar situation.

 

Divorced in the end of January, and this week, although my older son wouldn't hear about it, my XW brought her new boyfriend along with his two kids to stay with them for the holidays in her apartment for a week.

 

He was shocked and tells me he can't wait for them to go away this Saturday, so he can feel comfortable in his own home.

 

They are also enjoying the sun, and going around like a happy family.

 

Of course this is also sudden and premature, and naturally stings a little bit, but there is nothing one can do about it.

 

As long as you are there for him on your own time don't worry, you always be his father.

 

Take the high road, kids will appreciate it later on, and yes you are right to wait for about 6 months before introducing someone officially as your girlfriend.

 

These selfish and self-centered women, although claiming to be wonderful mothers, don't have second thoughts about trampling over their kid's feelings.

 

It is what it is. No point arguing with crazy.

[Monodare1]

It's also the fact that she lied about her uncles children's party to get my agreement regards her having my son over the Easter weekend when I tend to get my son every weekend. The. She tells me that the new guy spends a lot of time with my son which suggests that the new guy is visiting the house the stbxw and I currently still own together (it's currently on the market).

 

I feel that she seems to have a total disregard for how this whole situation may be affecting our 3 year old son. She had bad experiences as her father left (under different circumstances, he was cheating on the stbxw's mother) when she was 3 years old, then her step father physically abused her mother, then her mother went on to another guy, all between the exes 3rd and 16th birthdays.

 

I have my sons welfare at heart and only left because his mother and I had no distance left to run.

 

It just feels like far too much to take in the space of 9 months for our little boy.

[TheBladeRunner]

Hi guys

 

It's been a while, I'm Now 9 months seperated from the stbxw. She met a new guy in November past, introduced my 3 year old to him in January and now the stbxw and new guy are taking my son away for the Easter break. She initially told be she wanted our son for the full Easter weekend as her uncle was having a party for his little girls, then it became a holiday with the new guy and her mum and finally just my son with stbxw and new guy.

 

Personally, I feel she has got this all dead wrong, in my opinion this is all going too fast for my son. I'm in the early stages on seeing someone so I'm not jealous of the ex, I'm just frightened of losing my son and my place in his heart as his father.

 

I don't want this guy replacing me as a father figure as I am my sons father not him.

 

My ethics are that even if the early relationship I'm in pans out to become serious, I still wouldn't introduce my son to her until maybe 6 months down the line and even then only as a friend not "Daddy's girlfriend".

 

I need opinions and maybe someone in the same situation could share their experience?

 

I so get this MD, I feel my XW moved too quick with my young daughter regarding the BF as well. "Sleep overs" started about 1 month after they met. Don't sweat losing your son, as long as you are involved you will always be his dad; I worried about this as well, but my young daughter knows who her dad is.

 

It is still hard to deal with though and I totally understand, you'll see with time that your child will always know who you are....his dad.

 

You have a great plan of not introducing your new GF too soon, way to go on that!

[thedude1974]

It's also the fact that she lied about her uncles children's party to get my agreement regards her having my son over the Easter weekend when I tend to get my son every weekend. The. She tells me that the new guy spends a lot of time with my son which suggests that the new guy is visiting the house the stbxw and I currently still own together (it's currently on the market).

 

I feel that she seems to have a total disregard for how this whole situation may be affecting our 3 year old son. She had bad experiences as her father left (under different circumstances, he was cheating on the stbxw's mother) when she was 3 years old, then her step father physically abused her mother, then her mother went on to another guy, all between the exes 3rd and 16th birthdays.

 

I have my sons welfare at heart and only left because his mother and I had no distance left to run.

 

It just feels like far too much to take in the space of 9 months for our little boy.

 

So they lie and are deceitful, big shocker there.

 

She seems totally focused on herself, living her fantasy.

 

They rationalize all their POS behaviors, there is no reasoning with them.

 

Don't give her any more head space, focus on your relationship and being a great dad.

 

Easier sad than done, but you can bet she isn't spending a second considering the effects on you or your son.

[Monodare1]

What I'm concerned about is that the ex tells me that her new boyfriend is happy to meet me to allay fears I have regards his contact with my son. Thing is, the ex and I have only been separated 9 months and we are not even divorced yet so I find the idea of meeting my wife's boyfriend (as she is still technically my wife) extremely strange and awkward.

 

I don't particularly want to meet him, but should I swallow my pride and just meet him? Or am I just validating my approval of the whole situation and playing into my stbxw's hands?

Edited April 20, 2014 by Monodare1

[lolablue17]

You will always be his dad. dont you worry for a minute. I mean, realy... i've seen a lot of situations like yours. The children always know who is their real dad.

 

But you have to meet your EX for a talk. tell her that if she loves your son, she must clarify your son all the time that issue. it's her duty and responsibility to be aware.

 

Remind her that the most important thing for a child is that his real parents will respect each other and will have a good relationship. She must know that as well. Tell her you are very much want to trust her on that, but with little manipulations like this easter thing she can't gain your trust.

 

So ask her from now on to work with you with full cooperation.

[TheBladeRunner]

What I'm concerned about is that the ex tells me that her new boyfriend is happy to meet me to allay fears I have regards his contact with my son. Thing is, the ex and I have only been separated 9 months and we are not even divorced yet so I find the idea of meeting my wife's boyfriend (as she is still technically my wife) extremely strange and awkward.

 

I don't particularly want to meet him, but should I swallow my pride and just meet him? Or am I just validating my approval of the whole situation and playing into my stbxw's hands?

 

As awkward as it will feel, if he's decent you may feel better. It would give you a good chance to lay out some boundaries as well. When the "X" is doing...well....what X's will do, all you can hope for is she's with a decent person.

 

I've been around the XW's BF a couple of times and although it feels weird, I get the feeling he's a decent guy that knows his place with my daughter. I dread the day she moves in with him (I'm sure it's coming), but all I can do is hope for the best. Also, know that your child will always KNOW you are DAD.

[jwi71]

What I'm concerned about is that the ex tells me that her new boyfriend is happy to meet me to allay fears I have regards his contact with my son. Thing is, the ex and I have only been separated 9 months and we are not even divorced yet so I find the idea of meeting my wife's boyfriend (as she is still technically my wife) extremely strange and awkward.

 

You are unbelievably lucky the new BF offered such. Its a VERY good sign.

Think on it for a bit w/o letting your lingering emotion for your xW interfere with what is best for your son (and you, and the xW and the new guy and everyone really).

 

This, will be a bit awkward especially if you still love your xW, is nothing but good. Try and see the good in this.

 

And I would CERTAINLY go. Hey, you might even like the guy.

 

I happen to like my xWW's BF - he's a good guy - I genuinely like him - and I hope they are happy together.

 

I don't particularly want to meet him, but should I swallow my pride and just meet him? Or am I just validating my approval of the whole situation and playing into my stbxw's hands?

 

I see nothing here about your son. Its all about YOUR hurt feelings.

 

Look, you got to put that aside. You CAN'T control who your xW dates/f_cks/marries - you have ZERO say in it. None. As such, your approval means squat. No one freakin' cares if YOU approve who your xW dates. I know YOU care but it doesn't matter. In the same vein, your xW has NO say in who YOU date/f_ck/marry. Would you care if your xW "approved" of your new lady? Of course not.

 

So you can't validate this R one way or another. I would encourage you to abandon that thinking.

 

Instead, focus on helping your son. Helping him transition. Helping him cope. And man, its GREAT the new BF stepped up like that. Shows HE IS thinking of you and your son.

 

So go. Be open-minded. Hey, you may, in time, like the guy. Who knows?

[oldshirt]

What I'm concerned about is that the ex tells me that her new boyfriend is happy to meet me to allay fears I have regards his contact with my son. Thing is, the ex and I have only been separated 9 months and we are not even divorced yet so I find the idea of meeting my wife's boyfriend (as she is still technically my wife) extremely strange and awkward.

 

I don't particularly want to meet him, but should I swallow my pride and just meet him? Or am I just validating my approval of the whole situation and playing into my stbxw's hands?

 

 

 

Take into account that I have never been in this situation so take what I say with a grain of salt here, but I do think you should meet with him.

 

 

Keep it cordial and professional and take your own emotions out of it and keep it focused on the child's welfare but make it clear in no uncertain terms to him that you are the child's father and that you will be involved and active in his life and that even though he may be banging the boy's mother, that you retain all father rights, roles and responsibilities and that if anything happens to your son you will protect him and take care of business like any father would.

[familygone]

The same here , I know what the trashwhore did to me ,is in the past . I know what she is capable of and it bothers me to when my 8 year old is with her.I don't want some stranger around my daughter.There better not be some guy come to introduce himself to me,I don't want to know him.

Some would say it goes both ways but I am done with all the crap.I know what is going through your head,i understand

[Monodare1]

I know that I'm keen to take it easy with my little one, she's introduced him far too quickly in my opinion so I won't be introducing my current squeeze for a long while after so this whole situation doesn't screw up his wee head.

 

As a humerus side note, my colleagues managed to see a picture of the stbxw new guy, he's a taller fatter lookalike of me!

 

Chuckled much on hearing that!