Longing for AP, staying with wife out of guilt or obligation?

[muchconfused]

Hi guys. I know I'm going to get slammed here (which I deserve) but i am just so confused at this point. Very long post ahead.

 

 

My wife and I have been together 11 years, 7 years of those married. She had a boyfriend at the time, and I had a girlfriend, and we broke up with our respective partners to be together. On my end I was in an abusive relationship with my GF, she had hurt and angst about her boyfriend's affairs.

 

 

As any relationship starts, we fall in love, feel happy etc. After 4 years, we got separated for a 6 months because of work and during that time I felt like I was single and enjoyed it. When she came back we were going to be separated again so I proposed because if I didnt, we would break up. It was not a happy proposal from me because I felt pressured, but we got married anyway. I think our sex life suffered because I didn't have my heart into it because I felt I made the wrong decision, but I wanted her to be happy.

 

 

I am more of the type who takes care of my partner like making breakfast, or fixing her lunch for the day, or taking initiative for the chores but after a while I wished my partner would take care of me for a change. Not that shes a bad person at all, because shes not. Eventually we divided up the chores so that was good. We argued a lot about it, but after a while I just accepted that it was her.

 

 

 

First few months of the marriage were tough because I really thought I made the wrong decision and wanted out, but I dealt with it alone and we became good after a while. I still felt I wanted to be single but I worked it out with myself since I was married. Sex life was so so at first because of my issues, but we got over that. I loved her of course, but I didn't really miss her when she would go away.

 

 

3 years ago we finally got pregnant and then lost the baby at the 5 month mark. Devastating. We got through that and we've been frustrated for the past 3 years at getting pregnant since nothing could be found that was wrong. More me than her I guess, I guess I got really depressed about it and started to pull away. Sex became a chore just to get pregnant, and most of the time I didnt want to have sex since our sex was boring.

 

 

We then bought a house and most of our energies were focused on that.

 

 

Now. 6 months ago I started getting interested in my coworker. I thought she was cute and all, but I didnt really think much about it. We started talking and getting closer and it was amazing. The more we talked, the more I fell. This is where I started distancing from my wife. I thought about my coworker all the time, and dreaded weekends and looked forward to weekdays to see her.

 

 

3 months ago I couldnt take it anymore and told her I liked her. She said that you're married and nothing could come out of it so we could remain friends. And we did, we kept talking and having fun (Nothing physical) and we would share the looks that we knew we were so into each other, but nothing was said. Sometimes we would go out to lunch and sometimes I didnt care if I got caught because I really wanted to be with her.

 

 

2 weeks back, whenever my wife was brought up at work she would distance herself from me and Id ask her why and she wouldnt tell me. At this point I told my wife that I wasnt happy anymore. I thought I had an endgame in mind. She was devastated of course and I told her everything about why we got married, my complaints and all, and she said she wanted to try to work on it. I, on the other hand really want my EA OW, but I felt I owed it to my wife to stay. But I'm totally checked out at this point, and guilty.

 

 

On the other hand I told OW that I felt I owed it to my wife to stay so she was hurt and it seems like were over and now we're awkward at the office. At home I'm just really sad. My wife has been supportive and she thinks Im just depressed, and my words seem to have a finality to it. All she said was there's nothing I can do if you want out, but I'll try to make it better. I do not want to admit to the EA, unless I should. It would be so much easier if she also wanted out, but I really suck at making these decisions.

 

 

I really dont know what to do. All advice to me is try one more time, make the marriage work, but I really want to go with OW. I feel more bad about the thought of losing OM than losing my wife. Is that strange? A bad sign? I didnt even miss my wife when she was away for a week. I dont want to waste my wife's time trying either, but I know it could work if I tried, my heart is just not into it. Whenever I reached a point in a relationship to give it a try because I owed it to my partner, it never worked out maybe because I was already checked out.

 

 

Of course, divorce is hard and I'd probably feel sad about initiating the divorce and finally signing the papers, I dont know how id feel at that point.

[muchconfused]

Anyone? I forgot to add we're both 36.

 

I don't understand why I thought I was so sure I wanted to go the past few months, and that I wish she would just let me go, but now that my wife has has said she was willing to fix things, it makes me confused. I'd stay out of the fact that I owe her a chance, and it could work out, but somehow I feel that she deserves a lot more than me staying trying to work it out. Or maybe that's my guilt talking or me trying to justify leaving?

 

She's not a bad person at all, and we do work together really well, and we're great friends, but there's no more spark and not looking forward to any kind of physical intimacy is concerning.

 

Right now I'm just emotionally exhausted, but I have to make a decision because even my work is suffering.

Edited April 18, 2014 by muchconfused

[notserene]

Be honest with your wife and let her decide if she wants to stay. I wouldn't want to be in a marriage where I thought I was someone's second choice. If you tell your wife that you have fallen in love with someone else (even if there was no sex) then she will be devastated, but everything will suddenly make sense to her.

 

You apparently don't have any children so that should make this "easier" (divorcing without children is still hell on earth).

 

Alternatively, cut yourself off from OW and really work on your marriage. This probably means finding another job so that you never see her again and you get the stars out of your eyes.

[No Limit]

Of course the grass on the other side is greener because you're not watering the one on your side.

 

Be honest to your wife. And should she decide to kick you out you'll have all the freedom you need.

 

Just don't mention reconciliation if you're not really into it. It'd be a waste of time since all your thoughts go to your coworker.

[3ifbyair]

I'd see how you feel in another 6 months, and if your feelings remain strong for the OW. Often by a year, the shine can begin to fade.

 

Friend of mine left his wife after a 4 month EA, only to find he really wasn't as compatible as he thought with the OW. But also seen the opposite, usually a question of time.

[muchconfused]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who just wants to try for my sake, or out of guilt, it's a waste of time. Everyone deserves better than that. I wish I had been honest with her so much earlier, and this could have been saved. Like the moment I started getting attracted to OW and enjoying the conversations. I honestly had no idea it would get this far. Lesson I've learned now is, be honest to your partner very early on when something is wrong even if it may hurt them because in the long run, a bigger mess can happen. I did say something about our relationship issues early on, and we would fight all the time, so I just let it be because I thought maybe I was being too sensitive and I should pick my battles but that was the wrong thing to do now that I think of it. I chose the path of non-confrontation and dealt with it my own way and now it gets to this.

 

I realize that I've been watering grass on the other side, and not watering the grass on my end, and that in a few months or a years time we may not be compatible at all when the infatuation fades. Somehow I feel I may be left with nothing after a year, but I don't want that to be my reason for staying either. Just because it's convenient and safe isn't a good reason. I guess I don't understand how married couples are able to work it out again after one of them wants to go, then they work it out, then suddenly the feelings are all back again. In my relationships once I lose it, I lose it, and trying never worked and ended the R anyway. Unless it's me and I give up too easily, or the allure of a fresh start appeals more to me than trying.

[Steadfast]

In my relationships once I lose it, I lose it, and trying never worked and ended the R anyway. Unless it's me and I give up too easily, or the allure of a fresh start appeals more to me than trying.

 

That's the way it'll be as long as you continue to take, not give. But that isn't real love. IMO, real love starts with a person we respect and desire, followed by a decision to commit. Otherwise, it's just an old shirt.

 

Infatuation is superficial; it can't be rekindled like something of substance, like a belief or a direction. A person with honor isn't likely to be swayed by selfish motive. Real love grows when stressed while false love is exposed.

[oldshirt]

I'm going to give you the same advice I just got done telling another poster on another thread that is in a more extreme situation than your's but I think it will apply with the same validity in this situation.

 

 

My recommendation is to go to some kind of counselor and get some IC about your sense of disconnect and disengagement with your wife.

 

 

Right now you basically have both feet out the door of your marriage with one hand on the doorknob ready to pull it shut behind you but you are looking back inside wondering if you should really leave or whether you should just continue to hang out by the door so no one can accuse you of leaving.

 

 

I think a counselor could help you get sift through all the layers of your marriage and your EA and at least get you out of the affair fog that is likely clouding your judgement and impeding your rational thought processes.

 

 

As long as you are still in your affair fog, any decisions you make or actions you take are probably going to be the wrong ones.

 

 

If there was no AP and no affair and you still felt this disconnected and yearning to leave, that may be one thing. but having a brain full of affair chemicals and hormones will likely lead you to doing something dumb that everyone will regret.

 

 

Don't take the word of internet strangers (even though many are on the money) seek a professional that deals with this day in and day out and sit down and really go through all the layers and come up with a rational plan backed by western science and data and do what has the highest likelihood of causing the least amount of pain and anguish for everyone.

[Steadfast]

...Otherwise, it's just an old shirt.

 

No offense oldshirt! =)

[muchconfused]

Update:

 

Right now, after weeks of being depressed and crying and trying to figure things out, I'm just numb,tired, and emotionally drained. I don't know if that makes me think any clearer because I don't really feel anything right now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not because my emotions aren't clouding my judgement, or if it makes me even more checked out.

[not-so-sure]

Update:

 

Right now, after weeks of being depressed and crying and trying to figure things out, I'm just numb,tired, and emotionally drained. I don't know if that makes me think any clearer because I don't really feel anything right now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not because my emotions aren't clouding my judgement, or if it makes me even more checked out.

 

I'm just on a year down the track as a former WS and about six months past my confession and emotionally, I am where you are now. However the passage of time has opened my mind to the possibility that staying put is the best option for my heart and for my family. I have had moments of genuine joy at home which have come from own choice to give. The choice to stay might ultimately not be mine to make but in my half of this marriage that is where my commitment now lies.

 

Weeks - multiply by that by some number like 10 or 20, immerse yourself in your relationship with your wife and you'll find that things will become clearer one way or the other. Just "do", even though you might not want to. You might find your emotions get dragged in the right direction too.

[JK321]

I am in the same predicament as you! You should read up on the split self affair.

 

You sound very much like me who is split about his commitments and obligations to his wife to whom you act as the carer.

 

And then there is another side to you (the emotional side) which has been neglected and now you seek it in your AP.

 

Just take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this predicament.

 

I have been in a 2 year affair and married 8 years but known my wife for 17 years in total. We don't have kids either.

 

Contemplating divorce is the hardest and most painful thing to think about. But this doesn't change how you also feel about your affair and what that brings or could bring to you if you turned that into a sole relationship.

 

I would suggest you either try to distance yourself from your AP or keep low contact at least (by occasional email etc...)

 

Then have yourself do a lot of soul searching and see if you can get comfortable with the fact that you may have to leave everything you have built with wife soon.

 

If you want to feel that you are doing the right thing then only consider leaving your wife whilst you have stopped or kept very low contact with your AP.

 

Then if you do leave your wife you won't be burdened with the guilt that you may carry with you because you will blame your ill feelings on your AP.

 

In other words, if you are anything like me, you probably want the marriage to run its full course (even if at times you feel it is already dead) before you quit for good. Or maybe both you and your wife know its dead but haven't quite got to the point of accepting it.

 

Instead you cover the pain by artificially carrying on with the marriage and thus avoiding the inevitable conflict and confrontation.

 

I personally want my marriage to end amicably - if at all possible! This means never admitting to the affair! Don't be tempted to destroy your wife's confidence by doing this! Remind yourself that you are not leaving the marriage because of the affair - because that is just a symptom of something that is amiss in your marriage.

 

Focus on either staying with or leaving your marriage but don't let your judgement be influenced or clouded by the affair. You might find it easier to distance yourself from your AP for a time until you can figure out what you really want.

 

In the meantime, you may risk your AP leaving you because she will no doubt play the "if you love me..." card and besides she has every right to!

 

Don't get into that - stay rational and true to yourself. I admit it is a risky proposition and that you may lose your AP but I can't see how else you can rid yourself or minimise the guilt that you may burden yourself with if you leave your wife for another woman.

 

And the last thing you want is to take that burden of guilt with you to your AP because your affair once turned into a sole relationship may not last in the long run. Try discussing this proposition openly with your AP and agree whether she will wait for you or go on with her life without you. Either way I think you need to deal with the marriage without the interference of the affair fog!

 

Change is one of the hardest things to do - particularly when its going to hurt the one you have been with for a long time. But it may be the only inevitable thing to happen because maybe your marriage has just simply run its course.

 

Don't be fool yourself to think you can't protect your wife by simply pretending to carry on as normal or in the affair triangle or to carry on at a level with your wife which is not going to be acceptable to her.

 

For e.g. intimacy (sex) is one of the most valued attributes in a relationship and if you or your wife feel strongly about this - it can become a deal breaker - if you are just not feeling it or having to force yourself to feel it! It just ain't gonna last in the long run - how long can you bury it for? It will always emerge - maybe it will emerge again with your AP if you end up with her. Its a risk you're gonna have to take because I sense you are probably itching to find out...

[forbidden_love]

Update:

 

Right now, after weeks of being depressed and crying and trying to figure things out, I'm just numb,tired, and emotionally drained. I don't know if that makes me think any clearer because I don't really feel anything right now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not because my emotions aren't clouding my judgement, or if it makes me even more checked out.

Update:

 

Right now, after weeks of being depressed and crying and trying to figure things out, I'm just numb,tired, and emotionally drained. I don't know if that makes me think any clearer because I don't really feel anything right now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not because my emotions aren't clouding my judgement, or if it makes me even more checked out.

 

That's exactly how my mm is now we had a full blown ltr and he stays out of guilt. Don't much recognise him now. But his bs knows the truth at least, well maybe his version. I cannot see anyone being happy with our situation or yours. Doing nothing is not the answer. You have to tell the truth.

[muchconfused]

So..my update:

 

After struggling for the past 2 months of being happy with my coworker at work and then being miserable at home (and basically trying to drown my sorrows with alchohol) and not having the courage to tell my spouse that I had to go, I reached a point that became emotionally exhausted, and didn't care whatever would happen. Moving on with OW would have made me happy, but I'm not sure how much the guilt of leaving my wife would affect that relationship, it might have ruined it, or not. I'll never know now.

 

I still "love" my coworker but i got drained, so I quit my job and I'm taking a off a few weeks alone to think things over. OW is not pleased I'm leaving, but she did say that she didn't want to break up a marriage, so there's that. My wife is still here of course, but I still feel checked out. I guess I got so drained and pressured about making a decision that I just wanna escape and be alone for a while. Anyone else feel this way? Or am I just some coward who can't make a decision for himself? (Alright, I know, I sort of am).

 

I feel guilty that I'm putting my wife through this, and I did ask her that I was afraid that if we do get past this, that there would be resentment or retaliation on her part. She said I don't know, but it's possible. Sometimes I think she would be better off with someone else (and no I'm not asking for sympathy/pity here) but I don't know if that's my guilt talking, or my depressive self talking.

 

So I think I'm making the right move here by just putting myself out of both situations so I can think clearly. If I could move out for a few months to live alone I would, but I can't afford paying the mortgage and me renting out another place at the same time.

[FredJones80]

Not being funny, but you do realise this will be another relationship you've left to start up a new one?

 

You sound like you get bored and stop trying. Moving from relationship to relationship for that "new phase" which in the end will end, it doesn't last forever.

 

Long term love is a choice, one you're not making, you're spending your energy thinking about other people rather than investing in your marriage.

 

If you didn't want to get married, why did you? How unfair on your wife, grow some balls.

 

Maybe if you invested in your marriage you would see the reward yet you're more interested in taking the quick fix.

 

Have you considered what living day in day out with this OW will be like? it won't be all sweetness and roses, as the type of person you are you're likely to end up back at this same point a few years down the line because you've become "bored"

 

Do your wife a favour and leave her, you'll always be waiting to do this anyway if it is with this OW or another OW in the future.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You never wanted to be married to begin with and proposed out of one of the most selfish, not to mention ridiculous reasons I have ever heard of. You regretted the decision from day one and sulked about it ever since.

 

You are doing your wife no favors by staying with her. There is nothing to "work out", nothing to "fix" because it's been broken from the day you said I do, well before from the looks of it. Honestly, the thought of being with someone who didn't really want to be with me makes me cringe. Why put someone through that? Why put your wife through all your lies and disinterest? Why not just leave? Surely your cowardice doesn't run this deep!

Edited May 23, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra

[jt27]

What Fred said...

 

"Oooh something shiney"

[stillafool]

For goodness sake, if you people who are in affairs are pinning for your OW/OM, just grow a pair and confess to your spouses that you are not in love with them anymore and file for divorce. No one wants to be a second choice or have their partner stay out of obligation. Everyone deserves to be truly loved. I am so sick of cowards!

[carhill]

My opinion is face your fear of divorce/change/loss, process it and make a balanced decision, not one rooted in fear.

 

Here's where your issue started, six months ago:

 

"Now. 6 months ago I started getting interested in my coworker. I thought she was cute and all, but I didnt really think much about it."

 

You started getting 'interested' in a co-worker and thought she was 'cute'. Now, envision coming home from work and gushing to your wife 'Oh, honey, I met the cutest lady at work and she's just captivating'. Of course you'd never say that, but imagine you had. Then imagine the interceding time when you *felt* it. That's what defines the behavior set related to infidelity. Even if the actions are viewed or can be viewed as innocuous, it's the feelings and thoughts which define the elements of the dynamic. This is especially true with EA's and I have vast experience with that particular subset of infidelity.

 

fMM here. Seriously, shyte or get off the pot. Waffling only causes people pain and wastes valuable time and life. If you need help with your decision making process, as well as facing your fears, professional help is available. Try it. Good luck!

[jbelle6]

I feel that when the feelings are just gone away it's hard to get them back, though it sounds like you never really had much feelings for her to start with.

I think you should let your wife go while she is still young and not waste all of her childbearing years in case she wants to try again for another baby. It's not fair to keep her hanging cause even if you stay this stuff is going to keep coming up.

[travelbug1996]

You want to be with the OW? You don't even know her. I mean really know her. The grass may not be greener just because she's cute.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

You are going to get several people on this board all up in arms because you actually were human and fell for someone outside of your marriage. They will berate you and give you the advice to "be honest and let her have the choice to dump you" as if telling her about your confusion and hurting her is somehow noble. They will make you feel bad ontop of you already feeling badly. All of this is coming from a place of anger and judgment. Many BS or "reformed Other Men and Women. Anyway, I can't tell you if it is the right choice to tell the spouse, only you can make that choice. There are negative sides to telling. I personally would not. I see it as selfish. I think you can end the marriage or work on the marriage without having to destroy your spouse. I personally would NOT want to know about the affair. How could that attack the real problems under neath? I think it just distracts.

 

Who knows if this other girl is good for you? I think you want space and it is so hard to take that step. Perhaps you can take time to build up enough income to at least take a break, or find an apartment somewhere.

[FredJones80]

You are going to get several people on this board all up in arms because you actually were human and fell for someone outside of your marriage.

 

Yep, people can have an attraction to other people, don't have to act on it.

 

Seems like for as many "up in arms" people there are those weak minded scourge of the earth people who claim they "can't help they cheated" or <insert any other excuse for being unfaithful>

 

What a load of bull. Instead of running after your own selfish titillation every time you want, why don't you work on who you committed to and put in effort to see if that actually produces any results? No wonder these marriages are failing, these idiots are looking over their wife/husbands shoulder at the skirt/trousers in the distance. Bet "working at it" is an alien concept huh?

 

If you aren't happy to commit to someone then don't marry them in the first instance?

 

Cheaters will continue this cycle over and over again. When he gets bored of his "AP" or whatever terminology or glossy name you've decided to give to a despicable act to minimize it's meaning he'll move on to the next...

 

Bloody hell, we're adults here, not kids.

Edited May 25, 2014 by FredJones80