Still-I-Rise Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/452162-he-winning An update of sorts. "Yeah, but that's them, my situation is different...I will never recover." "Doesn't he know how much I love him...remembers all I did for him? How could he do this to me, to our children?" "No contact is hard...perhaps I should baby-step it! I know it's designed to heal me but I'm in too much pain right now (and need to talk to the source of my pain:eek:)...blah, blah, blah, blah..." When I think of the insurmountable grief I experienced when my husband/friend precipitously walked out on me and our children last year I find myself in a state of disbelief that I'm still standing. Just like people said I would! I went no contact not because it felt good but because it was for my healing and figured those who admonished it had obviously walked that path and knew what could await on the other side if I stayed the course. My STBXH (ex) has not adhered to the court ordered child support and has missed every hearing past the pendente liete although he filed for divorce. Go figure! The hearing on the merits is fast approaching and I am eager to put it all behind me. He calls from time to time but I never answer. Never. I have no desire to do so. A couple times he got messages to me sighting an emergency. I didn't bite. Today, a couple of friends asked, at different times, if I was nervous about the upcoming hearing and spoke about how the situation was awful, etc. I assured them everything was okay, that I'm glad things happened the way they did. I said, "I am well, happier than I have been in years...happier than I thought I could possibly be, and...I think I'm indifferent." And that was the first time I've ever said I was indifferent in this situation. IT FEELS WONDERFUL! Life has been tough. Legal bills are crazy but I am current. I will file Chapter 13 on the advice of a financial adviser and bankruptcy attorney but we are making it. Our bills are manageable. My children have been remarkable through this heart-rending process and are doing amazing things! They have been understanding and tremendous! We are a closer-knit family than before and have learned to flow well together. Everything makes sense now and I wouldn't change it for the world. I got some therapy (2 series of 5 sessions from an EAP therapist) and worked on my issues with co-dependency, thanks to the advice of some very special people on this site, who were honest enough to suggest that almost more important than what my ex had done was my enabling, co-dependent behavior. I purchased the book "Co-dependent No More" and did additional research/reading on the behavior. What I read, learned, sounded so familiar the words were like family. The message hit my heart and head and is enabling me to change for the better. I have learned so much about myself going through this process and am not interested in stopping now. I could care less about the ex, what he did, and who he did it with. He's written terrible things about me to the court and said horrible things to others to justify his desertion. Me, I've said nothing to slander him because his ramblings are of a mad man. I keep my mouth shut and focus on my children and work. I was told he was very sick and not doing well but instead of turning into Clara Barton to the rescue, realized it was no longer my role and accepted I must respect his decision to have me out of his life. Two of our children saw him once since leaving and said they didn't recognize him at first. He'd lost so much weight they walked past him. He's supposedly broke as well. I do not wish him bad. I'm grateful we've come this far and was able to survive a very cold winter with a new furnace thanks to the help of some wonderful colleagues. I hope my children will keep thriving and pressing forward. I'm thinking about law school again and its starting to seem like a possibility. And to think I begged him to stay! Thank heavens he ignored me. Onward and upward! Thank you Loveshackers! Edited April 9, 2014 by Still-I-Rise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 When I think of the insurmountable grief I experienced when my husband/friend precipitously walked out on me and our children last year I find myself in a state of disbelief that I'm still standing. Just like people said I would! I went no contact not because it felt good but because it was for my healing and figured those who admonished it had obviously walked that path and knew what could await on the other side if I stayed the course. All of what you said- GOOD FOR YOU. I quoted these two paragraphs because they really summarize alot. When you are "in it" you don't see..especially at first. Then time passes.. and you ask yourself.. how am I still here? Then you remember it's because you effing rock... he was just a man.. nothing more.. and you deserve the world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 I wish you the best. Life is mysterious and all we can do is hope everything works out in the end for everybody, even our exes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 This is great to hear! I agree - feeling neutral is very empowering! I too, used to hand all my power to my husband. Now that he is my ex and I have learned how not to be co dependent - I'll never hand my power to another again. I have compassion but when the scales are tipped and it looks like one person is in charge and controlling the whole household I always encourage that person to take their power back. I love a balanced life. It pains me to see so many handing all their power to another person - who usually ends up using and abusing with all that power. Glad you're growing and learning! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TreasuredLove Posted April 9, 2014 Share Posted April 9, 2014 Wishing you the very best!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Love hearing this from you Still-I-Rise. Our lives will be full of challenges, but it's good not to have that anchor weighing you down around your neck anymore. Keep up the great work and working on yourself!! Very proud of you! :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Still-I-Rise Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 (edited) Thank you all for your kinds words and encouragement. I still have a ways to go but am moving forward each day even if only an inch at a time. My STBXH called the receptionist after trying my direct line a couple times Friday, said he was my ex-husband and needed to reach me because there'd been an emergency with one of our children. I asked the receptionist if she was comfortable telling him I was not in the office that day and she was more than happy to do so. I don't like infringing upon the conscience of others but she was aware of my situation and so didn't mind relaying the message. We've worked together for 15+ years. I checked on our children (local ones) to make sure they were safe. One of my daughters, the only one in touch with him, called and he told her an outrageous story about our daughter who is away at college. He implied something tragic had happened to her. It scared me because I'd been unable to reach her. I did, however, reach her boyfriend who'd seen her that morning and said she was okay. He'd lied, again. It really unnerved me but I did not contact him as he can no longer pull my strings the same way. I wish he would stop calling me and hope he doesn't come any closer. He seems to be frustrated by the lack of attention but I refuse to be part of his narcissistic supply. Where in the world is the OW???? (rhetorical) She was so glad to let me know she had him. Why is she letting him out without a leash? Edited April 13, 2014 by Still-I-Rise Link to post Share on other sites
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