Why does it seem so easy for him?

[Hope4thefuture]

Why does it seem like my STBX can treat me like a complete stranger? We were together for over 15 years, married for 11. We were best friends and shared everything. Now he treats me like a stranger. We have 3 children together so no contact is impossible. I try to only contact regarding the children.

 

I just don't understand how he can go from being such a loving husband to treating me like nobody. How is that possible?

 

I am trying my best to detach because I have to so I can get through the day. How is it so easy for him?

[stillafool]

He is probably pulling back because he wants you to heal and be able to get over him. If you still have feelings for him it will set you back if you see and talk to him often. NC is the best but like you said you have kids so that makes it hard.

[Onlyafterdark]

Im going threw exactly the same,shes even said if i get my own place she might come and stay over have a coffee etc(eh wtf) im so confused.very short replies to my txt yet jealous of who im talking to on watsapp.I feel for you but rest assured im going threw the exact same emotions as you

[Jerseydevlin]

I am going through the same thing right now too. We were married for 9 years. I let depression get in the way though and started drinking heavily at the end. I don't think she will ever get back with me and is very focused on getting over me. Therefore, she acts like she could give two ****s if I am around or not. I hope she and I work through the separation and men's the marriage but I am so confused right now, I don't know what to think.

[Shocked Suzie]

It's because they have checked out long before you have, mentally they have dealt with this months ahead. They are in a detached fog of selfish thought and doesn't matter what you say or do will shake them out if it.

 

I told my ex how I felt and saw zero back... The kindest thing you can do here is look after yourself and stop worrying about them. Show them your able to stand alone, you may win them back... You may decide you no longer want them.

 

I'm the early days even after his infidelity I held hope he'd at least make sure things were right for our kids... Held hope he'd have some heart for me in all this... After a very short time I knew that this was not the case

 

Look out for you and your children 'if you have them' because all they are thinking of is themselves

 

It gets better honest

 

SS x

[Hope4thefuture]

Thanks for all the responses. I completely agree that he is pulling back to make it easier for me. He definitely has already detached. He said he was unhappy for 2 years, but never ever told me. When he finally told me , he said he thought it would get better if he just worked on it. Why wouldn't he tell me he was unhappy? We had our problems sometimes, but who doesn't. I thought we had a good marriage, and then he tells me he is unhappy.

 

I hear everyone saying he pulled back to make it easier. I guess I just don't understand how he could have changed so quickly? Through my eyes we were happily married one day, and a couple months later he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. It is just difficult to comprehend how he made it seem so flawless.

[Shocked Suzie]

Mine said the same, not happy for two years and never said a word.... Decided an affair was the answer. I too thought we had a great marriage, with no major ups or downs... I was as confused and frustrated as you.

 

In time you will probably start to see some gaps that in your M you had chosen to except or ignore. You will also start to see the ex for who they really are now and not the person you married and thought they were.

 

On the pinned section on this forum I've put couple if links about midlife crisis, it's worth a read as it makes you see your not going mad and gives some understanding... It helped me so much.

 

Coming from the worst person that beats herself up and is really tough on herself is a bit rich... But honestly try not to drag yourself over and over this... It eats you up inside n out. I spent way too long doing this and it really doesn't get you anywhere... Sadly it's just as simple as 'it is what it is' as heart breaking as it sounds it's true.

 

Whatever their underline cause/issue was/is, nothing we can do.... We can only rebuild our lives and make it a better place for us.

 

It does get easier, I still get some low points but after each one I look back and see I've learnt some more about myself or life... I've grown that bit more.

 

SS x keep posting it helps

[Hope4thefuture]

I must be a glutton for punishment. I try to help or appease my STBX for some reason. I make things easier for him, and sometimes I really don't understand why. Probably because I'm stupid and think that will make him see me differently. My head knows better, but my heart is not there yet.

 

I want to be at the point where I don't care about him anymore.

 

I did him a favor and dropped off the boys at his work. As I sat in his office for a minute I looked around and noticed how much I am out of his life. He has gotten rid of all of our pictures that he used to put up. I still have all of our pictures up in the house we shared. Being around him is so hard, and I know this. So why do I continue to torture myself and want to see him?

[stillafool]

 

I hear everyone saying he pulled back to make it easier. I guess I just don't understand how he could have changed so quickly? Through my eyes we were happily married one day, and a couple months later he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. It is just difficult to comprehend how he made it seem so flawless.

 

He was obviously hiding his true feelings for a while when you thought he was happy.

[Hope4thefuture]

Feeling much better. I had a good cry, and then said enough. Called my mom and vented. Ate a snack, took a bath, getting ready for my IC session, and then going out with friends for a late dinner. Trying to be grateful for the things in my life that are good.

[Shocked Suzie]

Best advice is to keep contact to an absolute minimal, every time you see him you will send out vibes of neediness and hanging on.... You will also shake up every emotion you have inside, analyse and miss read his body language and comments, thus dragging yourself backwards each and every time.

 

Draw a line in the sand today, your terms your path... He has chosen, it's time for you to make a path for yourself. By taking a firm step and gaining back some mental control you will begin to feel better...at the moment he is pulling all your emotional strings... You owe it to yourself to focus on you not him.

 

Waste no more time on someone that wants a different path... It just holds your healing process back

 

SS x

[Hope4thefuture]

Some days I am just fine. Others are difficult. This roller coaster ride is horrible. We started the divorce process at the end of January. He has already met someone, and introducing her to the kids. I feel as if that is pretty quick for the kids to meet the OW. That's just my opinion. I know I can't control him seeing other people, but now it effects my kids. Am I overreacting?

 

There are days that I am so lonely, but I am definitely not ready to date yet. I know it is best to wait and work on me. However, it would be nice to find someone to be with. He is moving on and enjoying his new life. Wish it was my turn.

[Onlyafterdark]

I would give yourself time, ive felt like this ppl tell me go put date make her see your moving on,but then i think il just make her do the same and that will hurt me twice as much.I think my plan is to let her do it first if its going to happen,im still getting mixed signals, she says things like nobody will ever know my feelings etc if i say something like i know you dont care anymore and you want me to move on (im testing the water)with these words.And it really gets to her if i mention il move on then and find someone who wants to be with me make me happy,i get a txt back saying thats your words you will never know what im thinking or feeling. Is she playing around with me i just dont know its so hard but me personaly i find it hard not to txt i cant seem to switch off the power she has over me i guess

[Shocked Suzie]

Some days I am just fine. Others are difficult. This roller coaster ride is horrible. We started the divorce process at the end of January. He has already met someone, and introducing her to the kids. I feel as if that is pretty quick for the kids to meet the OW. That's just my opinion. I know I can't control him seeing other people, but now it effects my kids. Am I overreacting?

 

There are days that I am so lonely, but I am definitely not ready to date yet. I know it is best to wait and work on me. However, it would be nice to find someone to be with. He is moving on and enjoying his new life. Wish it was my turn.

 

You will be fine, it just sadly takes time... But it will get better

 

How old are your children? Mine are in their teens so 'their choice' have decided they atm don't want to meet the OW. Personally I think it's time, as they have zero relationship with their dad.

 

My ex tried to push my two a few times to meet the OW in first few weeks and I put my foot down.. Way too early! And yes like my ex your ex has his head up his rear end if he thinks this is ok!

 

SS x

[Hope4thefuture]

My boys are 10, 8, and 6. At this point, I don't think they know any better. He is only introducing them to OW as his "friend". I think he should get to know her first and then introduce. Unless this has been going on a lot longer than he is leading on. He says he only started seeing her a couple months ago. If that's true than I think that's too early.

 

I want them to have a strong relationship with their dad. However, right now they just like going there because they get to play video games non stop. I also know they love to see him, but i think the video games are a huge reason they are so excited about going. I know I can't control what he does with them, but for my boys' sake I hope he steps up his game soon. I think it is important to have him in their life, but then BE in their life. Our boys deserve that.

[Shocked Suzie]

My boys are 10, 8, and 6. At this point, I don't think they know any better. He is only introducing them to OW as his "friend". I think he should get to know her first and then introduce. Unless this has been going on a lot longer than he is leading on. He says he only started seeing her a couple months ago. If that's true than I think that's too early.

 

I want them to have a strong relationship with their dad. However, right now they just like going there because they get to play video games non stop. I also know they love to see him, but i think the video games are a huge reason they are so excited about going. I know I can't control what he does with them, but for my boys' sake I hope he steps up his game soon. I think it is important to have him in their life, but then BE in their life. Our boys deserve that.

 

 

Well at least he's not saying she's his new partner, sadly due to their ages it is difficult. I agree that it's all way too soon, but not a great deal can be done...just keep an eye on things. More importantly focus on what you and your kids are doing, start to do new things in your new family unit and make things as normal as possible.

 

 

Try not to be negative or worry too much at what he is doing, make sure you regroup as a little family unit. Meet with your close friends/ family ...just be there for them and keep things secure and simple...it those things that kids want, remember and need.

 

SS x

[Hope4thefuture]

Thanks SS! Your advice is great, and it is nice to know that you are doing so much better. That gives me hope too!

 

I try to focus all my energy on my boys when I have them. When I don't is when it gets hard. I go out with friends or hang out with family and that helps SO much. However I can't be with them all the time, and that is the time the memories start flooding in. I think part of my problem is I was dependent on his love and friendship in our marriage, that I forgot about my own. I enjoyed spending time with him so much. Don't get me wrong, I would see my friends too, but not as much as I do now. Now I just miss him. I hate how much I miss him or at least I'm starting to miss the idea of him.

 

I know I need to focus on my boys. That is the easy part. The hard part is trying to focus on myself. I don't where to begin.

[Shocked Suzie]

I does really take time, all those thoughts , mixed and confusion just spin around your head... I used to be so shocked as to how many thoughts and moods I'd have in a day.... Even within a few hours!

 

I found walking or some form of fitness was my lifeline, it just helps in so many ways. I couldn't have mentally managed so well without doing this, yoga is unreal (can't do some of it lol) and treating yourself to the odd massage or pedicure is a nice treat. Keep things short and simple, so not to put too much pressure on yourself.

 

It has taken me over a year to feel like I do, in that year I've felt overall pretty good considering, but have at various stages had some very low points ... They have to happen it's part if this awful process.

 

Think of little things to do with and without your children.... And do them, even stuff like sitting down for a family meal gives them and you normality, it also helps you adjust to the new family number.

 

Don't put pressure in yourself to date! Find yourself first

 

SS xx

Edited March 29, 2014 by Shocked Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Also I'd recommend counseling, I also take a strong vitamin B which really helps and I have a low dose Valium that I've used when I'm in a real head spin/stressed.... It helps heaps as it just makes you relax a bit.

 

[oldshirt]

 

I just don't understand how he can go from being such a loving husband to treating me like nobody. How is that possible?

 

I am trying my best to detach because I have to so I can get through the day. How is it so easy for him?

 

 

 

Understanding it and realizing it's possibility are two completely different things.

 

 

You don't understand it because you don't feel it and haven't experienced it on your end.

 

 

It seems like it was easy for him to you because he at bare minimum of a couple years head start on you. He was probably detaching and moving on in his head and in his heart for years. Probably a lot longer than the two years he is admitting to.

 

 

Fair and right?? absolutely not but it is still the reality. You are definitely not alone, this happens all the time to lots of people. Generally it is women that go for years incrementally detaching and drifting farther and farther away each day but men obviously do it too.

 

 

realistically, even if he had approached you years ago about his issues, it probably wouldn't have saved your marriage and made you live happily ever after together but it would have at least given you some heads up so that you could've started your detachment process earlier too. Not sure if that really would've been a good thing or a bad thing but at least it would've saved you from going through this now.

 

 

Anyway, that doesn't really help the here and now. I do think what you are doing is what is going to get you through this the quickest and with the least amount of pain going forward and that is taking care of yourself and getting out and doing fun things with fun people and starting to live again.

 

 

This was brought up by someone else in another thread today but I think it is sage advice. I think you need to start viewing him and your old life with him as if he was unexpectedly killed in an accident the day you were handed divorce papers.

 

 

There is so much here that is similar to a death. The person he used to be and the married life you used to have, no longer exist and won't exist again. It's sad, it's tragic, life is terribly disrupted for now but you will survive and you will start to live again in a new incarnation.

 

 

You will go through the same stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and ultimately acceptance) as if he had died.

 

 

The big advantage here over a real death is he is still biologically alive and still able to coparent the kids with you. You haven't mentioned your custody arrangements but I'm assuming he has the kids at least part of the time so that means you are free to get out and pursue the things you are interested in and want to do such as hobbies, educational/personal enrichment pursuits, fitness etc etc and yes some day even dating.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, I know this sucks for you right now but it sucks for people who's spouses are killed or get sick unexpectedly too and you see them cry and have problems for awhile and then over time they start to rebuild and recover and move on with their own lives.

 

 

They always have memories, some good and some bad. They always remember the ones they lost and a part of them wishes they were still with them but they also move on and develop rich and fulfilling lives after the loss.

 

 

You will too.

 

 

He's just doing it a little earlier than you because he's had a handful of years head start on you. It won't take you that long though because he hung around and just went through the motions for a couple years before pulling the plug. You can start today.

[Hope4thefuture]

Thank you so much for all the great advice. First of all I am in counseling. I wanted to do MC but of course he said no. So I decided it was best for me to go anyway. It seems to be helping.

 

Second, we do have joint custody. I have my boys everyday after school, plus Monday, Tuesday, and Sunday overnight. I also get every other weekend. So I am lucky I get to see my boys basically everyday. That is what is helping me get through this terrible time. Spending my time with them brings me happiness.

 

I am really trying to focus on myself, exercise some. Go out with friends. I don't know where I would be without the support of my family and friends. They have been my one constant through all of this.

 

I get sad when I hear that he is dating already. It is difficult to wrap that around my brain. I just want to scream and yell. Then a few minutes later I tell myself that I will get through this. There will be a day that I won't think of him anymore. I know I am strong, but there are many times that I feel weak. I will try not to beat myself up and take it one day at a time.

 

Thanks for listening .

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

I am really trying to focus on myself, exercise some. Go out with friends. I don't know where I would be without the support of my family and friends. They have been my one constant through all of this.

 

I get sad when I hear that he is dating already. It is difficult to wrap that around my brain. I just want to scream and yell. Then a few minutes later I tell myself that I will get through this. There will be a day that I won't think of him anymore. I know I am strong, but there are many times that I feel weak. I will try not to beat myself up and take it one day at a time.

 

 

You are getting it. It will take a little time but life will be good again.

[Hope4thefuture]

Last night was rough. Talked to my boys and found out they went out with their dad and the OW and her daughter. At least it wasn't as hard to hear as the first time.

 

So I wrote out many of his faults as a husband. All I have been remembering are all the good times, so I decided to focus on all of his faults. It did help me calm down because it made me see what I wasn't missing. I don't know if that was the best thing to do, but it got me through my weak point last night.

 

Today was much better. Enjoyed the warmer weather and went for a long walk and some running. It felt good to get outside.

 

I still have a hard time seeing him when he drops off the boys. Any suggestions on how to get past that?

[Shocked Suzie]

What happens on the drop off? Is it hi n bye or pop in and chat??

 

Maybe look fab and busy, smile and say hi and bye... The more he hurts you the less you will feel for him.

 

Taken me a while but I actually feel sorry for my ex, think he has lost all respect and love of his children... Wouldn't want to be in his shoes 'ever'

 

Any formal money, child care chats do via email...you never know when you'll need them...my emails over the last year have come to use and kept 1:1 contact to minimal

 

Take back control... Your terms where possible

 

SS x

[Hope4thefuture]

No chit chat. Usually just drop off and explain what the kids need for the next day. I probably enable him to much with that, but I do it so my kids know what they need for each day. He needs me to find out what snacks, lunch, or dinner they want instead of asking them.

 

I just hate seeing his face every time because it brings back memories. And he always seems happy, when he didn't smile around us before. He seems less stressed and going along as if life is great. It is just hard to see him that way when I am still suffering.