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When is enough..enough?


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I have been married about 5 years. She has changed. Or maybe I just did not see it before. The saying love is blind...............maybe!

She spends most of her time on the computer. Working on her websites! Which is not making any money. She has jobs on the ranch she can do to get paid. I giver her a list of jobs she can do to get paid. She spends time during the day instead on the computer. Then complains she has no money to do or get things she wants.

For the last three months we have slept in different beds. She claims the bed in the bedroom is hard on her back. ( It is uncomfortable) I admit !

So she sleeps on couch. With computer on most nights. Intimate encounters are not happening.

She told me if I bought a new bed she would consider sleeping together again.

Most the time dishes are piled up dirty on counter. I do them about twice a week or when I need something clean. She also complains she has no clean cloths daily. Yet they are piled up in laundry room. I do mine about three times a week.

Then there are issues with her family..........she complains daily about that and it is the same thing over and over. I 'm at my limit and have told her so. I have told her I care about her. And I do.......But I cant keep going on like this. Any ideas out there. Am I wrong for feeling like walking away?

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Am I wrong for feeling like walking away?

 

 

You're not wrong for feeling. But you'd be wrong if you actually do walk away. Vows are made for a reason.

 

 

Please seek marriage counseling before you further consider breaking up your marriage.

 

 

And buy a new bed, for goodness' sake!

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Misadventure

Marriage counseling.. and remember what drew you to her in the 1st place.. so easy to give up when things are rough and that's the problem with people nowadays because it's so easy. Marriage is about the good AND the bad.

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somegoodman
You're not wrong for feeling. But you'd be wrong if you actually do walk away. Vows are made for a reason.

 

 

lol

 

 

OP, you have every right to walk away from this situation. I guarantee you if she found a "bigger, better deal" she'd be gone in a heartbeat and you won't know what hit you.

 

 

What do you think she's doing on the computer all night? Think about it.

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lol

 

 

 

Marriage vows aren't "lol" to me. They mean something, and as Misadventure said, it's way too easy for people to give up when things get the slightest bit unpleasant.

 

 

It's much more admirable to take responsibility for one's decisions, and live with the consequences (both good and bad).

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You are right vows are for a reason........but, I thought a marriage consisted of two people? I agree also for better or worse. But, how much worse?

I cant forget the being on the computer all day. When there is work to do that she can get paid for. And she complains she doesn't have money.

She knows I will pay if she does not have money. Which is the way it should be. But, I do not like being taken for granted.

We manage a huge ranch and the work she does not do I have to do. I'm very frustrated!

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somegoodman
You are right vows are for a reason........but, I thought a marriage consisted of two people? I agree also for better or worse. But, how much worse?

I cant forget the being on the computer all day. When there is work to do that she can get paid for. And she complains she doesn't have money.

She knows I will pay if she does not have money. Which is the way it should be. But, I do not like being taken for granted.

We manage a huge ranch and the work she does not do I have to do. I'm very frustrated!

 

 

 

I'm going to be a little harsh, only because I want to save you from future pain.

 

 

Your wife's actions and behavior are not consistent with a woman who loves you, in fact they broadcast the very opposite of love.

 

 

You said she knows you will pay if she doesn't have money blah blah...that's part of the problem right there. She doesn't respect you and she's taking advantage of your generosity (and frankly, timidity).

 

 

Ironically the only hope of salvaging this situation is to tell her you plan on ending the marriage. You will know who she is then, and how she feels about you, through her reaction.

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You are right vows are for a reason........but, I thought a marriage consisted of two people? I agree also for better or worse. But, how much worse?

I cant forget the being on the computer all day. When there is work to do that she can get paid for. And she complains she doesn't have money.

She knows I will pay if she does not have money. Which is the way it should be. But, I do not like being taken for granted.

We manage a huge ranch and the work she does not do I have to do. I'm very frustrated!

 

 

OP, the only real advice you can get here is how to change your behavior. So, hopefully you can communicate with her about what her goals are and come to a compromise. But if she's going to change, it's going to be because she really wants to.

 

 

First, what is your ultimate goal? That she earns an income and does chores around the house? What about intimacy, are you happy with the way things are?

 

 

Then ask her what her ultimate goals are. Find out what she really wants. Is it to not work? Or is it to have a successful website-making career? What about her take on chores? And find out how a lack of intimacy is making her feel about you.

 

 

Then try to come to a compromise.

 

 

A counselor may be able to help you clarify what you both want out of the marriage, and how you can help each other.

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JourneyLady

As someone who runs web sites, I can tell you it does take up a lot of time. (Most of the time when I'm on here for a long period of time, I am working on one and/or testing one for someone else). Yes, there are free packages that do it for you, but if you want something "unique" you have to work for it. So I don't doubt she is doing that but...

 

Is she blogging or writing articles? That too, takes a lot of time. It's an odd thing... nobody puts down those who do volunteer work and don't get paid for it. Yet those with a creative bent who like the possibilities of the web are said to be "wasting their time" if they aren't getting paid. A lot of people who eventually do well blogging were out there searching for the "one hook" or "one idea" that will get them a wide but specialized readership.

 

You said you care about her, but you didn't use the word "love". There's no indication that the relationship between you is anything more than roommates, and actually not even that. I'd go with the marriage counseling for one last try, and then divorce if it doesn't help or divorce if she won't go.

 

Others here have said she doesn't love you. That may or may not be true. She can feel love and yet still be a very selfish individual. I know this because I lost a good husband due to selfishness on my part, but I very much loved him and wanted to work it out through counseling. He was in love with someone else by then and said no. I've changed since then, but there is no going back - he remarried and if there are any regrets on his part, they don't show.

 

So give her a way to save the marriage, but make it clear you are going to end it otherwise. Absolutely positively clear. And do it before you meet someone else. Good luck!

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To me, it sounds like she's clinically depressed. I mean, she works on webpages that aren't paying out like she's hoped and she knows your not happy. She could be clinically depressed.

 

 

You might want to talk to her about seeking counseling.

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I'd rather advise to get her to individual counseling than marriage counseling. She's just an empty husk of what she once was, 'cause I seriously doubt you've married her like this.

And this isn't about running away when things get unpleasant. You've tried to get her to wake up for a long time, but she's not reacting, not even respecting. Yes, a marriage is made of 2 people. No, love isn't enough for marriage to work, respect is one necessity among other 'ingredients'.

You're not a father housing a rebel-minded teenager sitting on her computer all day. Vows aren't meant to enslave one so the other is more comfortable in life.

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Misadventure
You are right vows are for a reason........but, I thought a marriage consisted of two people? I agree also for better or worse. But, how much worse?

I cant forget the being on the computer all day. When there is work to do that she can get paid for. And she complains she doesn't have money.

She knows I will pay if she does not have money. Which is the way it should be. But, I do not like being taken for granted.

We manage a huge ranch and the work she does not do I have to do. I'm very frustrated!

 

Here is a good question.. did she have a job before you got married?

 

Did she have a job after? If she had one before you were married and not after, how long has it been? Not to make excuses but depending where you are, real jobs are not that great to come by.

 

Did you have a sit down together and rationally discuss the need for her to have a paying job and why? A sit down, not just, "here are some jobs".

 

Communication is so very important in a relationship especially a marriage.

 

Someone mentioned she may have depression. Perhaps look into this and ask her to see a therapist for her.

 

Not to sound harsh.. but a big reasoning here in this thread for wanting to leave is because of a job.

 

Where is the "I would like her to spend more time with me".."spend more time being a couple"... "doing things together".

 

Maybe it's time not just to look at her but also look within yourself.

 

Did you marry her for a job?...

 

If not, then this cannot be the scapegoat and stop using it to mask real feelings.

 

Please think about all this and reflect.

 

What do you want to do with her together (outside the bedroom)?

 

What is it that you miss?

 

How can you re- introduce that back into the relationship to bring that connection back?

 

If you start a convo at this point with "I want you to be off the PC and instead out stacking hay"... I can tell you it probably won't go well.

 

If you say, "Hey...I want to spend some quality time away from the monitor and just on us"... re- introduce what made you a couple...

 

Bring the sexy back.

 

Then gesture about the dishes... etc...

 

Regarding a job, I recommend a therapist because focusing attn somewhere else and not on the main problem is deflection and avoidance...because unable to cope.

 

I am pretty much of the opinion that even thinking of leaving someone due to a job is pretty shallow....marriage is about the rough times too.. not just the happy ones. It is in the rough times that you see what you are made of. If you can't stand by her in the rough.. then the good ones are pretty empty. Life is not just about the good. If something happened with your job, you would want someone to stand by you, always be on your side, and get you the help you need, even if it starts with the emotional part.

 

Marriage is not a drive thru. You need to stop and give it the attention and the duty it deserves and ultimately that you committed to.

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We manage a big ranch and it is very remote.

She complains about not getting hours..............but, is given jobs to do. To get hours....to get paid .....by the property owners.

But, instead she chooses to spend time on the computer.

With the computer time.......dishes stack up......I do my own laundry. Cook half the meals. Do dishes when I cook! I also clean house a few times a week. And work during the day. She complains about the house being dirty. But, does nothing about it. She is on the computer most of the time. It has been three months....no intimate time. We don't sleep in the same bed.

It is very frustrating!

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She has had huge problems with siblings..........I think that has been part of the issue too.

Her own brother cut her out of a family photo. And that has caused some issues.

I have been supportive. But there is even more. She has a messed up family.

Its hard to deal with. Its like she is mad at me because I'm close to my family.

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Misadventure

When the intimacy goes is when you start to see the threads hanging from the garment that you loved. Ask yourself the questions I asked up top about you and her. You don't have to tell me, tell yourself but honestly.

 

If she did not have a job before you were married and then she still does not have one... you accepted this going into marriage.

 

If she was not 100% cleaning and cooking before marriage and now it is the same... you accepted this going into marriage.

 

I don't kick, and sell my Explorer because it isn't a Lexus. I knew going into this, it was an Explorer.

 

You need to see things for what they are and how they can improve. Set realistic expectations based on history and what you BOTH want to see. NOT just you. You are not the only one in the relationship. You need to communicate but you need to do so as an adult and not be accusatory. That leads to fights and a slippery slope.

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She did not have a job when we first got together.

We actually worked together on forest service contracts and flagging jobs for the state. We work we together.

When I first met her she was living with her parents. And had no job.

The issue with dishes is this............We both use them and we both cook.

She will leave them for a few days. I think she figures I will do them when they get to pied up! Which I do! Drives me nuts....

And we use to do things together.............

We stayed with my parents for a month last summer. Her and my parents do not get along the best now. Not after she sprayed bear repellent on their new pole barn door. She was pissed about something and did it when she was mad.

She also kicked a couple dents in the side of my truck when she got mad another time. Over something dumb. She does have a temper I didn't know about until we got married.

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It's normal for her. presumably she can afford a housekeeper. Get one & be done with it .

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No, it's not "normal", but is it OK? I don't know. Depends on what else is going on in your marriage. Are you expected to do all the housework on top of working?

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How long should you separate for? When you decide you need time alone.

 

Depends on when you figure out alone isn't what you really want and a few dishes in the sink wasn't worth trading your marriage for.

 

My exH used to make my morning a living Hades for 2 years because I let our son have a dog. Hubby was the first one up every morning as he left before we did for work. The dog lives in the garage basically and hubby's first thing to do was go to the garage to smoke a cig.

 

But it PO'd him to no avail that he was the first one up and letting the dog out in the mornings. Easy fix, wake up the kid who wanted the dog and make him take him out (taking him out was opening the back door to the garage so he could run in the fenced in back yard - MY $6K investment). Would have even helped me out with morning rituals as son wouldn't get up for me, but would jolt awake for his dad and would have taught our son some responsibility as well spend some quality time with dad at the start of the day. But his father couldn't be bothered with doing the obvious, instead it was much easier to build up angst for something truly so simple.

 

Six months after he took up with another woman and left, he told me one night in a conversation....I don't know why I was such a jerk over the dog...it's just a dog. (DivorceBusters.com) Michelle Weiner Davis has written about this behavior and throwing a marriage under a bus. In earnest, it was always easier to blame me for his unhappiness.

 

Now of course there was a lot more issues going on in my marriage, but you do have to address your own frustrations (inner self) rather than blaming dissatisfaction on others.

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She seems ok with me doing most of the household chores and work.

I pay almost everything.....

She told me she didn't go to college to do housework or clean toilets.

I'm very frustrated. I have tried to talk about it with her. She just gets very defensive..........which I understand. Most people do get defensive when confronted with something they don't like!

I have always had a good head on my shoulders.....just not sure what to do.

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You may be right............I could be frustrated a little because I'm in a dead end job right now. But, I do think I'm justified in my feelings(being frustrated) concerning how she is acting.

She has talked about getting counseling in the past. Just never happened. She always has an excuse.

I just don't know if I should take the next step.I do know I'm tired of not being happy. but, I also know nobody can make yourself happy. Thats something each person has to do.

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She seems ok with me doing most of the household chores and work.

I pay almost everything.....

She told me she didn't go to college to do housework or clean toilets.

I'm very frustrated. I have tried to talk about it with her. She just gets very defensive..........which I understand. Most people do get defensive when confronted with something they don't like!

I have always had a good head on my shoulders.....just not sure what to do.

 

IF she won't make effort to change - you either accept it or you divorce her knowing she's not being a participant in the marriage.

 

Most people have to feel big consequences in order to consider changing.

 

You CAN change yourself. What do you plan to change?

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