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Wife has lost her sexual interest in me


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Hello, I am new to this site. I have searched for help and reasons to help get me through this very difficult time in my life. My wife and I are both 30 years old with a 3 year old daughter and have been married for 5 years. We recently moved into a new home this past July. Before we moved our sex life was perfect, having sex at least once a week if not more, but now we have been fighting almost daily. She has never been one to communicate, so I usually have to be the one that talks. I knew this going in to our marriage and was fine with it. She says that she still finds me attractive and sexy, but over the past month or two, while still having sex probably 4-5 times it feels as if the passion is completely gone. We still love each other and have great times together, but she says its more of on a friend level since she has lost her interest in the bedroom. Recently the word "Divorce" has come up and it crushed me! I never thought that this would ever happen to me. She says we can work at fixing it, but not interested in going to a counselor. I love her so much and love our family. She says that she knows that she will regret a divorce because "I am everything she would dream about in a husband and father to her child" when she was growing up and wishes that her feelings for me would come back. I do not know what to do? We have date nights, go on trips, etc. and have a blast doing so. I for one do not want the divorce and starting to think that if it does not get better by not talking about it, because that seems to keep opening the wound that I would rather a trial separation rather than the divorce. It's so unfortunate that she does not communicate because we could talk about it and try and find/work at a solution. Sorry for the rant, but I'm just at a point where I do not know what do do anymore. My fear is that we are going to either stay together for our daughter or just out of convenience and I do not want that since we never had problems in the past. She says that she has been feeling like this since the fall 13'. Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks

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Why is counseling not an option?? At this point it's the only option.

 

Staying together for the child will leave her with a false sense of security. And it shows the child how a "marriage" should look. She'll see her parents devoid of all passion for eachother. Merely coexisting for her sake.

 

Is that what you want??

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Man, I wish I could get back to the stage you two are at. It's still completely fixable, but both of you have to be committed. You, my friend, need to learn about "walk away wife syndrome", how the stages of communication breakdown work and how to properly communicate with your wife. I now know what I did wrong and wish like hell I had found this website sooner. Instead of being in the middle of a divorce, I'd have the love of my youth more in love with me than ever and hornier than when we first met. *sigh*

 

You still have time!

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You have a big problem, which is you want to more intimacy than your wife can stand. I'm the same way. I don't like to talk about things since that inhibits my independence. I want to do whatever the hell I want to do, how I want to do it, and whenever I feel like doing it. I wasn't cut out for marriage, I'm sure, but I got married anyway.

 

My advice to you is to say something like, "I need more intimacy. Intimacy means not having any--not any--secrets from each other. Intimacy means working through problems just as they arise, not hiding and evading and pretending and faking." Get my point?

 

If your wife can't satisfy your desire for intimacy, then find another who will. You will always be unhappy being second best when the question is about love and loving.

 

Me? I never needed much intimacy and don't like sharing every "secret" with anyone. I can keep my own secrets and don't feel I owe full disclosure of my every activity to anyone. One person on this website asked me, "Did you enjoy being emotionally abusive to your husband?" (I lied to him and evaded answering and explaining.) Yes, I guess I did. I enjoy being in control. I don't enjoy giving up control to anyone.

 

I did enjoy my husband's passion, admiration, and respect. He gave me all these things. In turn, I gave him interest, charm, a great cook, an okay bedpartner who was extremely good-looking, and intelligent conversation. I thought these were a good trade off for what I got from him. He was a poor money-earner by the way.

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Is there any chance she is shagging someone else on the side? Sounds weird that all of a sudden she would start throwing around the D word.

 

You two have a fairly typical marriage, the fighting you describe is not unusual. Have you been attentive to her emotional needs? Do you connect with her on a regular basis (apart from kids stuff)? Do you tell her how much you love her? If the answer to these are no, then she has most likely turned to someone else to fill these needs.

 

Do you think it is possible she is having an Affair?

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I think Kalimata may have a point.

Any chance you might be able to verify? Can you hire a PI or check her e-mail/messages by installing a monitoring software? Has she been hiding her phone etc?

I wouldn't walk up to her and ask. She might deny and then remove any proof.

 

 

That being said, I do hope that this is just a temporary phase. You two could start marriage counselling.

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So she's suddenly thinking about a divorce. That in itself throws up all kind of flags. Sounds like it's very possible she has an outside interest. Nothing makes women lose their feelings for their husband like a new lover.

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Is there any chance she is shagging someone else on the side? Sounds weird that all of a sudden she would start throwing around the D word.

 

 

I agree especially since it happened right after they moved into a new place. Possible she met someone new in this new location.

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VeronicaRoss
Read: The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida

 

OP, I second this motion. It will shock the heck out of you with it's approach but it works.

 

Geez, I can't believe someone else on LS had read that book! Hubby said he read it before we got together and credits it with a lot of our success. One intense read.

 

I would also throw in the very cheesy "Men are from Mars". I learned so much practical info from that little book.

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I recommend The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. It is the best treatment by far of this very serious and common problem.

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keepontruckin

I recommend getting a lawyer if you have assets.

 

She is using the terms "Divorce," "Friends," and there is no 'real' sex.

 

Contrary to what some posters here suggest, I will speak from personal experience. She's setting herself up to leave you, and there isn't anything you can do about it. Don't worry about "working out" and reading books. She's done.

 

Why is she done? There may be someone else. Maybe from work. Maybe from facebook. Or there may not be. She may have decided that a white picket-fence house with husband and child is not the lifestyle that she wants. She may have decided that she is starting to age, and the thought of her committing herself to only your dik is something she is not comfortable with.

 

Either way, it doesn't matter. She has a different vision of life, and perceives she will be able to find this somewhere else. She may, or she may not, but that is inconsequential to you.

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Hello everyone, thanks for the replies!! I'm almost 100% positive that there isn't anyone else, although that may still be a posibility, but pretty sure there isn't especially because of the decision we have made (see below). She has a huge problem with communicating as i've mentioned above which is why she doesn't want to do counseling. That would mean she would have to open up and actually talk. She is even afraid to tell any of her family because she knows that they will crucify her for thinking/feeling (even though you cannot help if your feelings for someone dissappear) the way that she does. She just says she isn't in love with me and in turn if we do have sex its becuase she feels obligated and I for one am not going to have someone have sex with me out of pity. I have too much self respect for that. We have come to a decision that since she has no place to go as of right now and we have so many bills that we owe we both wouldn't be able to pay everything without a second salary. We are going to for the time being stay together as roomates/friends while we separate our bank accounts and split the bills and save the rest. Since I mentioned we are great when we hange out/movies/dinner/vacations etc. this won't be much of a change from what I live like now (I just know now to not "expect" sex/sexual favors). She knows that my daughter is my life and in turn would use the Divorce word to get under my skin and I would allow it. I used to give her the satisfaction of becoming emotional and giving her the attention that she desired when she mentioned the D word. I'm now past that point and more angry/pissed off that she would give up so quickly even though she said that this has been going on since end of summer. I didn't find out till first week of this year. I'm just tired of being the only one trying to repair our marriage/family. I'm physically and emotionally drained at this point. I do think that this is the best option for our current financial and family situation. This will go one of two ways. Either 6 months-1 year down the road we save enough money then split or its going to bring us together again.

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Sorry to hear that it has come to this. You cant make someone love, it is there or it is not. Set up your living arrangement guidelines and be very clear about things like dating. If there is someone else in the background he will show up very early on in your in house separation. More often than naught on LS when one spouse looses interest its because they found other interests to take your place. Stop protecting her, your families need to know what is going on, they may be able to help you through your financial problems if there is a chance that by doing so it helps save your marriage. Finances are a major killer of relationships specially when you turn on a T.V. program and every guy is under 30 and drives a $300,000.00 car, they start to wonder why your not driving one.

 

The other issue that you need to talk about is the potential of a step mom and step dad in your child's life. Your child will always be a half sister to each others future children. She will need counselling. It gets complicated so you both need to think this through. Sometimes independent counselling may be the best answer, find out whats at the root of all this. If your definitely divorcing do not waste a lot of time on separation, too painful, just get it over the sooner the better so your child is getting false hopes up.

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So it's been a few days since we both agreed on the in house separation. It has not been easy at all. Seeing her so often and knowing that we are so distant hurts. I miss her. We had a very good talk last night and kept insisting that there is no other man in the picture and that she just grew apart. We made a promise early in our marriage that if things between us started to go sour that we would bring it up and try and fix it. Well she failed to hold up her end and said that she has been trying since July/august, but I was left off that memo. I feel that if I knew along with her that we could have worked together on the issue but she is just Saying we have gone on more dates than the normal married couple, hang out, went to Bahamas to celebrate our 5 year anniversary in January and her feelings for me haven't returned as they once were. She says she no longer looks at me with the same reaction. The difficult part for me is that I found all this out just 5 weeks ago so this is all so sudden and she gets mad when I say that since she has felt this way for a while despite not telling me. She tried to fix on her own and now that I finally found out she says that there is nothing left to try since she already has. I feel it could have been fixable if I only knew earlier. I really am stuck because I am living with her but only to pay down debts and save for our eventual split (unless something drastic changes) I feel as if this is only going to get harder for me because I'm the one that misses her.

On a side note, we did take a 3 month break during our dating years and she realized that she missed me and came crawling back despite me changing numbers, finally getting over her, and dating someone. Obv I gave her another chance and now we are potentially back to the same place we were 10 years ago except I feel she will never be able to miss me as long as we are under the same roof, but for financial reasons this is our only option.

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So it's been a few days since we both agreed on the in house separation. It has not been easy at all. Seeing her so often and knowing that we are so distant hurts. I miss her. We had a very good talk last night and kept insisting that there is no other man in the picture and that she just grew apart.

 

 

 

 

 

Standard WW talk. WW do not separate unless they are in an affair. WW has an OM lined up to replace you.

 

 

You need to dig for evidence. Hide a VAR in WW car and where WW takes phone calls in the house.

 

 

Check phone bills for any numbers that are called a lot and texted a lot.

 

 

Install a key logger on the PC.

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So it's been a few days since we both agreed on the in house separation. It has not been easy at all. Seeing her so often and knowing that we are so distant hurts. I miss her. We had a very good talk last night and kept insisting that there is no other man in the picture and that she just grew apart.

 

 

 

 

 

Standard WW talk. WW do not separate unless they are in an affair. WW has an OM lined up to replace you.

 

 

You need to dig for evidence. Hide a VAR in WW car and where WW takes phone calls in the house.

 

 

Check phone bills for any numbers that are called a lot and texted a lot.

 

 

Install a key logger on the PC.

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I'm sorry for you OP but I have to agree with others, something is wrong here. You and your wife have everything to make you happy, new home and a baby, trip to Bahamas and she is not feeling the "in love" feelings anymore? How old is she 13? She needs to grow up and realize marriage has seasons and sometimes passion is put on the back burner in order to get things done. I think there is someone else on her mind. Keep searching and you will find it. I'm almost sure.

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Do you think that this could be a case of grass is greener syndrome? We did break up for 3 months while dating and she came back after missing me. Could she just have the need to possibly miss me?

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I definitely think it would help. Stop all begging for affection and reconciliation. If you have to stay there carry on as if you have accepted it. Work out, eat right and stay well groomed. Take care of your child. Show her what she's missing.

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Act as if you don't think it's someone else involved while looking for evidence. Don't say anything else to her about another man. If they think you are on to them they will hide it deeper. Review phone records and get a key logger.

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She still won't admit to having an affair saying that it is not the reason and that if there was another man this would be a lot easier for her to understand why her love is lost. So either she is telling the truth or she will never admit to it. What I do know is that I am getting very frustrated,upset,amazed at how she has gone from the love of my life (failed to mention that not only married for 5 years, engaged for 2 and been with each other since 2000) to someone who acts as if I am a complete stranger and does not care at all about me or my broken heart. I am at the point that I am starting to question "Why would I want someone that is treating me like this? or Why would I want to potentially forgive her and take her back in the future after putting me through this, with no reasoning behind this cruel treatment? Starting to feel that maybe the best option is to let her go with my daughter and give her what she seems to want which is the Divorce. I need to stop hiding from the fact that my marriage is in the danger stage and just deal with the reality that barring a miracle my life,wife and daughter are about to be broken. I keep thinking that since I am not being told a reason that it will just pass but I think I am finally realizing that it is not going to get better. I need to view this time of living together as a time to save money and pay bills with NO expectation of reconciliation - for now. I gave her option of telling families and she made it clear that she didn't want to yet. Not really sure how I should read that??

I know that i am going to eventually have to decide when i can't take it anymore as i am the one that is suffering and she is the one controlling the situation. But for now at least I have my daughter all the time because I can't make up the hours i would lose with her living elsewhere. But at some point i need to determine what i want for me and when.

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Standard WW talk. WW do not separate unless they are in an affair. WW has an OM lined up to replace you.

 

 

You need to dig for evidence. Hide a VAR in WW car and where WW takes phone calls in the house.

 

 

Check phone bills for any numbers that are called a lot and texted a lot.

 

 

Install a key logger on the PC.

 

She still won't admit to having an affair saying that it is not the reason and that if there was another man this would be a lot easier for her to understand why her love is lost. So either she is telling the truth or she will never admit to it. What I do know is that I am getting very frustrated,upset,amazed at how she has gone from the love of my life (failed to mention that not only married for 5 years, engaged for 2 and been with each other since 2000) to someone who acts as if I am a complete stranger and does not care at all about me or my broken heart. I am at the point that I am starting to question "Why would I want someone that is treating me like this? or Why would I want to potentially forgive her and take her back in the future after putting me through this, with no reasoning behind this cruel treatment? Starting to feel that maybe the best option is to let her go with my daughter and give her what she seems to want which is the Divorce. I need to stop hiding from the fact that my marriage is in the danger stage and just deal with the reality that barring a miracle my life,wife and daughter are about to be broken. I keep thinking that since I am not being told a reason that it will just pass but I think I am finally realizing that it is not going to get better. I need to view this time of living together as a time to save money and pay bills with NO expectation of reconciliation - for now. I gave her option of telling families and she made it clear that she didn't want to yet. Not really sure how I should read that??

I know that i am going to eventually have to decide when i can't take it anymore as i am the one that is suffering and she is the one controlling the situation. But for now at least I have my daughter all the time because I can't make up the hours i would lose with her living elsewhere. But at some point i need to determine what i want for me and when.

 

 

 

 

 

You asking your WW if she is banging an OM never works. You have to get off your lazy butt and go into detective mode.

 

 

Why doing your spy work get the book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley. To help restore your love for each other.

 

 

Posting here does nothing unless you start working with the tools you get here.

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cozycottagelg
Standard WW talk. WW do not separate unless they are in an affair. WW has an OM lined up to replace you.

 

 

You need to dig for evidence. Hide a VAR in WW car and where WW takes phone calls in the house.

 

 

Check phone bills for any numbers that are called a lot and texted a lot.

 

 

Install a key logger on the PC.

 

I want to separate and I am not a WW.....so this is not always true.

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