Afraid to leave bad relationship with good father

[lmyya]

My husband and I are both decent people. We have had a rocky relationship for the last 2 years. Before that, it was ok for several years, but we are not all that compatible. We got pregnant last year, and we felt that out problems were temporary, so we got married and had the baby. It was poor life planning on my part, and I want to find the healthiest way to deal with it now.

 

I've observed that my husband has had a very hard time since being fired from his job 2 years ago. He has not worked, and finances are tight. I'm a lawyer. I work from home 2 days a week. Husband strongly dislikes my work-from-home days and says it makes him feel like the "nanny" even though I don't interfere. It just feels bad to him to have his wife here, working. He often just takes off and I watch the baby when I'm supposed to be working.

 

We have various interpersonal problems and power struggles.

 

Husband stays home, but I do most the chores and all the overnight baby care, plus almost all the child care when I'm home. Husband is very loving and attentive with our baby during the 8 hours or so that I'm away 3 days per week.

 

My husband isn't taking care of his health, won't brush his teeth, sleeps in until noon when I'm home. Is not very nice to me at home. His main complaint about me is that I'm not happy enough and that I keep wanting to solve or talk about our problems.

 

We've had 3 couples' counselors, once a week for almost 2 years. I also have individual counseling, and my counselor thinks that the relationship is very hard on my self-esteem.

 

Our baby son is wonderful, happy and thriving. We both love him more than anything. I do not want to shake up his little routing and his warm nurturing world, by splitting us up. I don't like the thought of him going back and forth between houses.

 

I also don't have extra money for child care. Husband is unemployed, won't or can't get a job so far, and it's a sore subject. Family can't really help. I don't want to ask for child support from my unemployed husband, at least not at first. He'll need to get on his feet, find a job and an apartment.

 

I don't want to make a mistake. I feel that divorcing now would be harder on us, but divorcing later would be harder on our son. I'm afraid I have very little faith that we can do anything more to salvage the relationship. I can't imagine growing old with this man; it's easier to imagine growing old alone or with someone else-- both would be healthier and less weird.

 

Does it sound that bad? Has anyone regretted leaving a similar situation? Divorce is the great unknown for me.

[lmyya]

I've heard that marriage is very often hard the first year of a baby's life. Is it worth chalking this up to that maxim?

 

 

But the deal-breaker for me might just be that he's been photographing tiny messes I make (I am not a very messy person) and texting them to his sister, who has no kids and isn't married, and she responds saying negative things about me-- it's creepy and some of my friends think it's abusive.

 

Is it so bad to stay with someone where the relationship is not very healthy, but not abusive? I care about him very much, but I don't feel that he's the love of my life or however you phrase that concept. I do find him physically attractive and I like when he's happy.

 

A friend heard about the photographing and texting. She said, "He's crazy and you're not allowed to be married to him." Am I minimizing? This is my first marriage, it seems we all do crappy things, but I don't want to let someone treat me in a way that's completely unreasonable while raising a son together.

[TheNewMe2014]

It's a tough one. I think it's hard for someone on the forum to tell you what to do in this type of situation. But, what I can provide you with is my thoughts on divorce and kids.

 

My ex and I are both great parents. We stayed married for 11 years to try and make it work for our three children (our oldest is now ten).

 

We heard that kids are resilient, but we both didn't want to break-up the family and thought how hard it would be on the kids. What we found was we should have probably done it sooner. The kids had issues and problems that got much better upon us divorcing. Our middle even recognizes that things are better now.

 

The best interest for the kids is to ensure a happy home life where they are secure and no love abounds. I used to think this was overstated, but I believe it to be true now.

 

I think, if you want a 'window' and try and make it work - you could give it a couple of years. But if you feel this really isn't going anywhere, then the time might be right.

 

Make the best decision for you and then what will provide your child the best home life. Don't rush into a decision, take time - you have it. Marriage is a serious commitment and I don't express the idea of leaving it lightly. The first year of marriage and first few years with kids can be very hard. Certainly harder if your husband lost his job. Give it some thought - but have strength that if you don't feel it will work..you and your child will be fine moving on.

 

Wish you the best figuring it out.

[RuralGuy]

I work from home 2 days a week. Husband strongly dislikes my work-from-home days and says it makes him feel like the "nanny" even though I don't interfere. It just feels bad to him to have his wife here, working. He often just takes off and I watch the baby when I'm supposed to be working.

[...]

Husband is very loving and attentive with our baby during the 8 hours or so that I'm away 3 days per week.

 

 

 

Given how he behaves with the baby when you are at home, I have to wonder, how do you know how he behaves with your baby when you are not at home?

[lmyya]

Thank you, TheNewMe, that's helpful perspective. I wonder how long it took you, at least, to feel that things were better after the divorce? I know everyone is different, but it still helps to know.

 

I am of two minds. I no longer want to walk on eggshells at home, yet I don't want to kick my husband out. If I thought he'd be happier too if we separated, I'd probably do it immediately because I believe that our baby would cope if we were each coping.

[lmyya]

Given how he behaves with the baby when you are at home, I have to wonder, how do you know how he behaves with your baby when you are not at home?

 

Ruralguy-- that is a fair question. And strictly speaking, I don't know, of course. But I see how our son reacts to him so well and is obviously very comfortable with him and almost as attached to him as to me. I do see him and overhear him when I am at home and he's hanging out with our baby, because he doesn't take off all the time. And also, I've known him for 10 years, though he has changed these last few. He'd have to be amazingly two-faced to fake it this well. Maybe he is, but that's not the sense I get. Instead, I get the sense that he and I are in a power struggle and he hates to see me at home working because that makes him feel somehow inferior.

 

He's not stepping up to the plate in the sense of waking up before the baby does, doing his taxes, keeping track of his bills and affairs, taking care of his health, getting a job et cetera. But he is loving and attentive to our son. He's a good caregiver because he loves our son, but he's too short-sighted to see that in the long run, neglecting those other things in his life will negatively affect his child. I don't think it's lack of caring; I think it's lack of understanding or maybe frustration or depression. He's not a cold and strategic guy wanting to live off of his wife's paycheck. Instead, he's kind of a proud and stubborn guy unwilling to even appear to be looking at things that other people have pointed out to him.

[knitwit]

Your husband sounds depressed. I think there are many men who don't do well when they don't have a job. Will he go see a doctor?

 

Have you had a talk with him where you lay it on the line and tell him that you are considering divorce? A lot of the time, one spouse doesn't really take the other seriously until the big guns come out. I think that might especially be true when the other partner is depressed; depression itself knocks out a few cognitive points, so he might truly be unaware of where you stand right now if you haven't very explicitly laid it out for him.

 

I recommend letting him know that this situation isn't sustainable. Figure out what you need from him at a minimum- probably a trip to the dr is a first step, to see if he is depressed and needs some medication to help even him out for now. Getting a job might be second (and it might be what is really needed to get rid of the depression.)

 

The first year of parenthood IS hard, it's very challenging. It sounds like your husband's issues are compounding the issue. I feel for your guy, because my husband and my first year was made more difficult with PPD. My husband laid it on the line for me- he didn't have to get to the 'I am thinking of divorce' line, he talked to me before he got to that place. He did let know that there was a big, big problem and it needed to be solved, NOW. I wouldn't have gone for treatment if he hadn't done that, I would have continued to try to suck it up.

 

Good luck!

[lmyya]

Your husband sounds depressed. I think there are many men who don't do well when they don't have a job. Will he go see a doctor?

 

There is no way he'll go see a doctor. I've tried bringing it up very respectfully a few times, but it's hopeless. For one thing, anything coming from me, he sees as an accusation. As if I were saying, "your depression is what's wrong with our relationship and you have to go to a doctor to get it fixed, which will prove me right." (I don't think that at all, and I don't think I convey it, but that's what he interprets back to me.) No one wants to be pathologized by the spouse they're having relationship problems with.

 

It's our stupid power struggles that we can't get out of.

 

I've offered to do my own individual counseling if he did some too. (Not mentioning depression or anything.) I followed through last year, but he didn't. We moved to a new town. I renewed the deal; again I went to a counselor (still am) but he never did. I can't force him, right?

 

I tried calling a mutual friend, telling her I'm pretty worried about him but that I thought it would backfire if I asked him to get some treatment. She didn't really want to get in the middle of it. She suggested I allude to his depressed behavior in couples' counseling. I've done that, or at least I think I have, but he does kind of cut me off and the counselor tries to stay pretty neutral. She's not going to recommend individual treatment to him, if he's sitting there saying that he has no issues and that he won't be amenable to anyone suggesting he go to treatment. Though he tells me he did have major depression when he was a teen. Somehow his parents got him diagnosed and I guess treated.

 

If I somehow do drag him to a doctor, but he's not diagnosed with depression, then that doctor had damn well better be right. Because that would be a huge step back, in terms of ever seeking treatment for the depression after that.

 

Then sometimes I think it isn't depression, just passive aggression or some other nightmarish interpersonal issue. I think of how his strict patriarchal father used to beat him, and his perfect-housewife mother criticized him, and his years of alcoholism wore him down a bit before I met him. (Not that I was there for any of that; I'm just taking his word.) I fear, with that past, he's just going to be defensive and mean and see his wife as the enemy.

 

How do I convey my needs without sounding critical? I need to be married to someone who is employed or seeking employment. (Or if not employment, something constructive and fulfilling.) I need my spouse to be taking basic care of his health, so I can be reasonably reassured he'll be around in the future. I need some minimal friendship and laughing and good times together, because I'm pretty social but also because I love him.

 

But he hears those things as criticisms. He's so defiant about it that he won't even brush his teeth.

 

I don't want to boss or criticize him and I'm not looking for anything near perfection.

 

But neither do I have to stay in an unhealthy situation and take care of a guy who stays in bed all the time and won't get help, even though he has had many varied ailments and two tooth extractions in the last year.

 

 

It seems the things we used to have complete autonomy to decide, like whether to brush our own teeth thank you very much, those things affect our spouses when we get married. I can't help that, they just do. My husband is a f-ing rebellious stubborn independent man and I half-admire that in him, but it's making him look pretty stupid right about now. Just, dude, brush your teeth and take a walk and get over yourself.

 

But I see that it isn't that simple.

[familygone]

I wish my ex think like you do.My daughter is 7,she knows what happened .The thing i hate is her going back and forth..

[Movingforward2]

As someone who has been in your husband's shoes with his job, I felt the same way he did. I really struggled not being able to provide for my family, thus having issues with depression and not taking care of myself.

 

Fast forward 2-3 years, and it put so much pressure on my XW that we are now divorced with 2 great kids. Looking back, had I spoken to her about what my "real problem" was not having a job, I could have probably opened up and communicated how I felt. Instead I shut down, and didn't listen....thus where I'm out now.

 

I've been divorced for 2 months, and it really deep down crushed me way worse than a job loss.

[kalimata]

Imyya: I'm going to be rather blunt here. You want to divorce your husband because he doesn't brush his teeth, is unemployed and constantly texts his sister? You've got to be kidding me.

 

The man is clearly depressed and having difficulties coping with the loss of his job. You really need to be more sympathetic to him. Sounds like he is already quite annoyed at you. Do you constantly confront him in an accusatory manner? You need to learn how to back off and coax him into things using positive reinforcement instead of negative.

 

Your husband definitely sounds like he has endured some depression (sleeping late, ignoring health, not grooming, etc). Suggest you have him fill out the Beck Depression Inventory. You can get it online for free. Suggest he go see a doctor if the score is > 10.

[lmyya]

 

I've been divorced for 2 months, and it really deep down crushed me way worse than a job loss.

 

 

Reading this, I am moved. I don't want my husband to be devastated. I think I can wait a while, and hope that he gets a job. He is applying for jobs. He's being picky and not moving very quickly, but I would rather be financially stressed and frustrated for a couple years than have the father of my child absolutely crushed.

 

I just hope it does not take divorce to get him on his feet. Since you've been in his shoes, I'd value any advice you have about what to say to him.

 

And I wish you the very best. Two months is still fresh from the divorce; I've heard it gets a lot better in 3 or 4 months. I hope all is going well with your kids and your healing.

[Movingforward2]

Much like you my wife was frustrated. I also didn't handle it well myself. I lashed out at her and my youngest daughter. And when I did find some work, working 2 part-time jobs, I wasn't home enough to give her the attention she deserved. I then came back on my feet to a new great job. However, I got so busy making money, I began to neglect her.

 

The depression I had from my job loss was multiplied by the fact that much like your husband "I was a man" and didn't want to see a doctor. That is full of it. My wife wanted me to see a doctor and get back on my depression medication. "I didn't need that" or so I thought. I thought once I get my career back, I would get back on my feet and things would be normal again. The issue was that my attitude didn't change. I should have been more grateful that she continued to work and support us while I was down and out.

 

She began to have thoughts about divorcing me during that time as I look back. She became increasingly frustrated that I was "never home" while I looked at it as providing for my family. Looking back, I would have rather gone bankrupt that lose my wife and kids. As a man, financial responsibility is something that men take a lot of pride in, and I was embarrassed to tell my wife that it made feel that way. I ended up bankrupting my relationship with her as I continued to push her away.

 

That being said, there were things she could have worked on. She didn't communicate with me well either. I felt as if she were nagging, etc. I should have taken the nagging more seriously......however that wasn't the way to communicate with me. I needed to be praised verbally for what I was doing....positive reinforcement.

 

You should read the 5 love languages and figure out how to communicate with your husband. If you were to file divorce, it would wake him up. There are many men that post on this site that have been where your husband is....when their wife files it's often too late because of an emotional or physical affair as they do not get the attention they need. My wife filed for divorce, and it completely changed me as the person she wanted to be with...except in her eyes it was "too little too late". It hurts to know that I'm everything she wanted, and now I'm in a stage that I can't win her back. I have done everything I could do. I should have walked away, 180, but not many can do that at the time because they are so crushed. They smother, buy gifts, do everything that they think will save the relationship.

 

Just by you posting your story, it is not too late. Your husband needs help. He doesn't need you to abandon him. If he is depressed right now, and you walk away, think about your child and the downward spiral that could happen with the father that you adore. You don't want that. I wish my XW could have posted on this site as their is a lot of valuable information on here. It probably could have steered her to thinking twice. I'm everything she wants now, except that she feels like it's on "my time" to get it. That's what sucks. I see my wife and my kids and have to drive by my home everyday. It hurts. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I had the opportunity to sit down with her and hash things out.....and chances are I probably won't get that opportunity. I would not want this for anyone, and if my post is the reason you wake up and realize you don't want a divorce, then I've done something to help someone.

 

He needs help. Not a divorce. That's not going to help you, or him.

[lmyya]

Kalimata-- while I appreciate your bluntness, I don't want to divorce my husband just because he's depressed. (If that is his issue.) We have several other issues and there has been some other behavior that has my counselor very concerned for me and my son (though not violence). And, again, the texting is something I'm asking for perspective on, because a few people surprised me by saying that it was clearly abusive. I don't expect everyone to have time to carefully read my posts, so I understand if that wasn't clear with a quick skim.

 

The dental care is a real problem: he has had three tooth extractions, and I've had to take a week off of work each time because he is terrified of the dentist and stays in bed for days beforehand, then stays in bed recovering for days afterward. He has halitosis and can develop heart problems. That is why I'm concerned about continued refusal to care for his teeth.

 

As I mentioned before, he and I also have some pretty dysfunctional power struggles, probably based in each of our personal issues. Your question whether I constantly ride him and criticize him is legitimate because I agree that, if I did do those things, I would be less than constructive to say the least. I don't. I have no interest in making things worse. But neither are things getting any better, and it's becoming untenable. We both agree that we are two good people who are fairly incompatible, and we're both feeling resentful about it.

 

He does need sympathy and I have it for him. But sympathy does not equate marriage. He and I both know that we can divorce and still have respect and yes, even sympathy for each other. Of course I wouldn't keep my son from him or kick him onto the streets during a divorce. I don't date or marry people as a reward because they are somehow "deserving," and I don't break up with people as punishment.

 

There are some people who think that a person cannot possibly divorce another person while having even a shred of respect or love for them. I don't believe that. I know it can get very ugly, but I've also seen many divorces lead to preferable situations.

 

I totally agree that the best option is likely for my husband to get assessed and, if he does have depression, get some treatment. Maybe you have ways and means that I don't, but I cannot imagine how I would be able to force, cajole, or reason him into taking an online assessment, free or not. (And he doesn't believe in such things.) It is not looking like he will get treatment. If he would, I would not be posting about the situation, because I wouldn't feel stuck.

[lmyya]

Your husband needs help. He doesn't need you to abandon him.

 

Thanks again for your perspective, and I take it very seriously. The nub is, I know my husband needs help. But he absolutely will not get it. Will he? At least you give me a little hope.

 

I would never mean for divorce to be abandonment. I wouldn't want to announce it suddenly or instigate it unilaterally if I could avoid it. I actually think he and I could have a very amicable divorce eventually, and we both want each other to be very much in our son's life.

 

If my husband got a job (or if not a paying job, something constructive) and got more involved with life like you did, I don't think I'd divorce him--though I might have some trouble trusting that it would last and I might have to work on that fear. I can't imagine anything being "too little too late" for the father of my child-- especially because we've done pretty well in the past. Even though he and I are both physically very attractive and we are both considered charming to the opposite sex, we don't have infidelity issues (or I assume none on his end, there are none on mine). Neither do I harbor some sappy dream of being swept off my feet by a more compatible man of my dreams. I'm fine with the option of a functioning and healthy relationship with a viable future, with my husband.

 

What made you turn around? Was it really just the divorce filing? Because I don't want to file for divorce just to control his actions. That doesn't pass the smell test to me, it seems controlling. If that was your ex-wife's intention, I feel badly for you. If my husband and I decide we can't meet each other's needs and be happy, I'd rather we come to the mutual decision of divorce if possible. But I don't know how to get him to hear my needs and give me a definite yes or no.

 

The advice about praising and appreciating, I can take to heart. I'll do more of that. Again, it's not easy, he is so very stubborn! He's bent on doing nothing that can be construed as considerate toward me or constructive. But he's a good man at heart, a good father, good-looking, funny, and even when he takes off at inconvenient times to engage in his various hobbies, he's pretty good at those. So I will compliment him as much as possible on those things and anything else, more than I think I'd need to. I'll go ahead and let him know that it makes me feel happy when he walks into the room to join us, and that I feel good and safe having him in the house (job or not). I don't always feel good having him around because he does lots of controlling and demeaning little things, but I can probably treat that as a separate issue. What i mean is, I will go ahead and assume that the compliments will not convey to him that he can go on being mean. I hope this works.

[Movingforward2]

Your husband needs help. He doesn't need you to abandon him.

 

Thanks again for your perspective, and I take it very seriously. The nub is, I know my husband needs help. But he absolutely will not get it. Will he? At least you give me a little hope.

 

I would never mean for divorce to be abandonment. I wouldn't want to announce it suddenly or instigate it unilaterally if I could avoid it. I actually think he and I could have a very amicable divorce eventually, and we both want each other to be very much in our son's life.

 

If my husband got a job (or if not a paying job, something constructive) and got more involved with life like you did, I don't think I'd divorce him--though I might have some trouble trusting that it would last and I might have to work on that fear. I can't imagine anything being "too little too late" for the father of my child-- especially because we've done pretty well in the past. Even though he and I are both physically very attractive and we are both considered charming to the opposite sex, we don't have infidelity issues (or I assume none on his end, there are none on mine). Neither do I harbor some sappy dream of being swept off my feet by a more compatible man of my dreams. I'm fine with the option of a functioning and healthy relationship with a viable future, with my husband.

 

What made you turn around? Was it really just the divorce filing? Because I don't want to file for divorce just to control his actions. That doesn't pass the smell test to me, it seems controlling. If that was your ex-wife's intention, I feel badly for you. If my husband and I decide we can't meet each other's needs and be happy, I'd rather we come to the mutual decision of divorce if possible. But I don't know how to get him to hear my needs and give me a definite yes or no.

 

The advice about praising and appreciating, I can take to heart. I'll do more of that. Again, it's not easy, he is so very stubborn! He's bent on doing nothing that can be construed as considerate toward me or constructive. But he's a good man at heart, a good father, good-looking, funny, and even when he takes off at inconvenient times to engage in his various hobbies, he's pretty good at those. So I will compliment him as much as possible on those things and anything else, more than I think I'd need to. I'll go ahead and let him know that it makes me feel happy when he walks into the room to join us, and that I feel good and safe having him in the house (job or not). I don't always feel good having him around because he does lots of controlling and demeaning little things, but I can probably treat that as a separate issue. What i mean is, I will go ahead and assume that the compliments will not convey to him that he can go on being mean. I hope this works.

 

What made me "turn it around" was the thought and fear of losing my wife and kids. My wife was not attempting to control my actions through filing divorce.....she simply thought in her mind that "I would never change". Again, I would suggest you read the 5 love languages.....figure out how to communicate with him without seeming like a nagger. Find out which way of communicating will work or just ask him. Men can be very stubborn, I know I was....and can admit that now.

 

While you may not look at divorce as abandonment, being in your husband's shoes, I looked at it as "she gave up on me and us".....something I would have never done after I took my wedding vows. There is a whole range of emotions within a divorce... No, I did not think she would ever leave, no one does, but in looking in hindsight I could have made more of an effort to communicate with her. Furthermore, if you are having 2nd thoughts about filing a divorce, I'm of the opinion that you need to be absolutely 100% sure this is what you want to do. You do not sound that way. Your topic is "afraid to leave" which signifies that you aren't "ready to blow up my marriage". Maybe I interpreted it wrong, but that's the opinion I have concluded based on your posts.

[kalimata]

Imyya: This fear of the dentist office is quite common. Bad breath and poor dentition are obviously turn-offs to you.

 

However your husband sounds like he is paralyzed by not being to control his own situation and things are spiraling out of control.

 

Sounds like you are comforting him and not putting too much pressure on him. Good for you for understanding his situation.

 

However not accepting that he may be depressed is only going to lead to more frustration and problems for you both. If he won't look at an online depression inventory perhaps ask him if he will answer a few questions with you. If your husband had diabetes you would give him insulin right? Why not the same for depression? Its a chemical imbalance in the brain. You need to find some way to get through to him on this.

 

Sometimes the only way to get his attention would be to wave divorce papers in front of his face. Hopefully you won't need to get to that point. Try everything you can, it will be worth saving the marriage.

 

Best of luck

 

.....................................Kali

[lmyya]

It's true, I'm not ready for a divorce. But I do need to have some hope that some of my needs will be met. And I must admit, I also would find it useful myself if my husband were diagnosed with something. At this point I am starting go get angry with him when he retreats or lashes out. I ask, "Is he mistreating me? Is he selfish? Am I doing harm to myself and our son by staying in this household?" However, a diagnosis of depression (or various other things) would give me something to help work on, and hope for. I am only human. I am not a saint. I can be patient but I just get very confused.

 

I'll take the book suggestion for the 5 languages of love. I've decided to give it some more time. i could probably do some more searching for a way to get him to be diagnosed-- he has a very close friend he trusts well, whom I could call. I could possibly even talk to his mother. She is intimidating and it might backfire, but I think I would be very unhappy with a divorce if I had not tried everything first.

 

Depression can get pretty scary, and it's not uncommon for people to refuse help. I hate this problem. Depression can have a tighter grip on a husband than any mistress ever could. Thank you everyone for your encouragement.

[lmyya]

Just a little update. My husband began taking medication for depression. He tells me he was not really diagnosed; instead, he simply told his GP that he had taken the medication in the past and he thought it would help him now. (It's true, he was diagnosed with depression in his young teens and late-20's and I guess he took medication then.)

 

I don't know what made him get some help. I admire him for it. The medication is not a miracle cure or anything, but it clearly helps.

 

However, things are still pretty bad a lot of the time. My husband has become a very controlling person over the last couple years. I feel confined, belittled and stressed out most of the time, because I find his preferences unpredictable. He has all these various times that I may or may not be in the room, sometimes he tells me where to go, he says he doesn't like me and him to be with our baby at the same time (that hurts), and so on. I am always hearing about something he didn't like, but that I wasn't aware of-- I left my shoes next to his rather than putting them in the closet, I left fingerprints on the stainless steel fridge door, I tried to hug him, I didn't try to hug him, I started feeding the baby right when my husband wanted to come in and use the kitchen alone. I feel there is an endless list.

 

The rules by themselves feel unfair, but what really gets me is the unpredictable nature of the rules. I find it almost too stressful to live with. My therapist thinks I need to assert myself respectfully, but I have definitely done that several times. It doesn't work. And I get the silent treatment so often that I have become like a little dog all excited about its treat whenever my husband so much as smiles at me or invites me to sit near him while he looks at his ipad. We sleep in separate rooms-- have for years. I am used to being a person whose company is welcome if not sought after. It feels hurtful to have things this way, and I can't really go off and do other things very often because we have a baby here.

 

It used to rub me the wrong way when people would invariably pathologize their significant others or exes-- saying they must have this or that undiagnosed disorder, usually narcissism. But here I am, wondering whether my husband is patently passive aggressive. I know he was very harshly disciplined by his strict and very religious parents. (He says his dad "beat the crap out of" him.) His parents kept a perfect house as well.

 

I guess the main y reason that it matters whether he's passive aggressive is, how the heck do I deal with passive aggression? I am an attorney and have dealt with some pretty tough characters to work with, but this is different. This is a person in my household, whom I love. Someone who gets under my skin and is also the parent of my baby. I read some very good books and articles on passive aggression already. They were informative alright, but not very hopeful.

 

So now I wonder whether to stick it out for a while. Maybe his medication will have more effect after a few more months. Maybe I'll figure out what I could do better.

 

I have very little patience, and much anxiety. My mother says that even if we try and try, but end up having to divorce several years from now, it doesn't mean we'll both become bitter old shells of our former selves unable to find future happiness. But I wonder.

[Popsicle]

More than likely YOU will have to pay HIM child support since he stays at home with the child. He will be made to find a job though since that won't cover his living expenses on his own.

[lmyya]

More than likely YOU will have to pay HIM child support since he stays at home with the child. He will be made to find a job though since that won't cover his living expenses on his own.

 

I'm home 4 days a week, and I have our baby overnight too. Two of those days I'm working from home, but my husband often leaves or disappears into his room, so I end up doing a lot of my work at night while baby is sleeping.

 

But you're right, child or more likely spousal support is a consideration if I stick it out longer. Right now, I'd likely get custody, even if we disagreed over it. My husband lost his job long before I got pregnant. He didn't forego his career in order to be a stay-at-home. (That's more of a spousal support issue.) I was home for 4 months of maternity leave, so he's had our baby 3 days a week for less than a year. And he leaves as soon as I get home, then comes home but stays uninvolved, so I have our baby all evening and I have most the chores. Baby sleeps with me. If I go somewhere for a week, I take our baby.

 

Ugh, when I think of it, I do not want to leave sooner only because the timing would be strategically better regarding custody and spousal support. I actually think I'd get custody even years from now (and I've seen a lawyer). But even if I have to pay spousal support to keep my son's dad on his feet because I tried to make the marriage work for some years before divorcing, so be it. For me, that is preferable to regretting that I didn't try all I could to avoid divorce.

 

But if I do stick it out longer, I worry about all our mental health and comfort level.