carndog Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 hello!!! Well We have been married over ten years with no kids. I have been cheated on few times and we worked it out. Well now my spouse has been gone 6 months on year tour and is being really distant and really mean and rude to me for no reason. No matter how nice i am still get treated like crap and just doesn't seem like the same person. I know my spouse is stressed with work and school and isn't in the same mind set but my spouse dosnt want to hear anything i have to say. Says Im not happy i want a divorce! I say of course you not happy your away and stressed. We have been good for a long time! Our problems were years and years ago. Everything was great when my spouse left. Then this big change. hope when i see my spouse things will clear up but i dont no. What i need to no so im not caught off guard is if i get divorce papers in the mail what am i in titled to? My spouse never wanted me to work so i stayed and home and took care of things. So have no income to show for these ten years of marriage. I would have to start over from nothing. After all the stuff ive been through i really want to no. I was always there and never mean. I hear im in titled to alimony and half of retirement? We have been together my spouses full military career of almost 11 years. 2 deployments and working on 2nd 1 year remote tour. please any info will help. Thanks i want to do anything to make this work. i believe in working on problems not running away from them. i just need to no just in case Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 If he's away and you don't have children then why aren't you working? No offense but you should learn to take care of yourself instead of wondering what you're entitled to. Maybe it's your mindset that makes him disrespect you time and time again? Go get a job... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 A serial cheater doesn't make a good partner. I know that in your current state of mind the word seperation is the least one you want to hear, but I'm very sure that would be the most healthy decision for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author carndog Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Ive tried to work even when he is gone. But i have done stuff on the side to make money. You act like i do nothing. I do everything around the house, cook even do all the yard work and wash cars u name it i do it. I even volunteer a lot on base and local charity's. Only reason i ask is because thats what others have told me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Given your circumstances, restorative (help you to get on your feet and get a full-time job) alimony, along with a portion of your spouse's military pension/SS, would be typical, via judicial order during divorce, presuming you seek such assistance/settlement. See here for some general information: Frequently Asked Questions Welcome to LS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Ive tried to work even when he is gone. But i have done stuff on the side to make money. You act like i do nothing. I do everything around the house, cook even do all the yard work and wash cars u name it i do it. I even volunteer a lot on base and local charity's. Only reason i ask is because thats what others have told me. While that's well and good that you can get alimony and his retirement you should still be accountable for yourself. I realize that you take care of the home but isn't it mostly cleaning up after yourself if he is away much of the time? That's not really a big deal IMO. And if you have the time to volunteer then you have the time to work for money, right? Honestly I don't know why you won't just get a paying position rather than concern yourself with being a dependent. It's not all that appealing to be so needy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carndog Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 Like i said b4 its not my choice. Every time i bring up i want to get a job i get a no and i will never see u. We have fought over this many times. I do whatever it takes to make my spouse happy. The cheating part was over 4 years ago btw. It is a just in case question. if it does happen i will be working asap and cant just start all over on my own without help. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 It sounds like they had the same arrangement my parents had, where mom became the household manager and gave up her career/job at the time to do so, forfeiting her business/social contacts from that career and focusing on managing the household, which is a legitimate 'job', just for no pay. In the OP's case, she is solely responsible for the entire household during her H's deployments. She's the 'home front'. It's not sitting around watching TV. She also serves as her H's remote support system. His responsibilities to her were incurred when he insisted that he become and remain the sole breadwinner for their marriage. If she reasonably believes a divorce is imminent, securing employment would be a prudent first step in the direction of post-marital life. Depending on jurisdiction, such a move could limit alimony but that's OK; alimony is to assist one in transitioning from dependence to independence. Depending on her age, she might consider getting educated in a career or trade and working that into the mix. Lots of options. OP, if you consider doing anything right now, my suggestion would be to, before making *any* changes, consult, generally for free, with an attorney in your jurisdiction who is familiar with military marriages/divorces. That kind of professional will give you the best answers from a legal standpoint and you can then make decisions which align both with legalities and what you feel is right for you and your marriage. You may not get divorced at all; this may be a false alarm of a man who's ranting. However, if the divorce papers are served on you, you won't be in a panic if you are prepared. You'll be confident about what to do that's best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author carndog Posted February 15, 2014 Author Share Posted February 15, 2014 I wont be the one to say i want a divorce it is my spouse. Its like he is a different person and has never been this mean to me ever. No matter how nice i am i get talked down to and called names. I take it because i know he is under stress and depressed. he says im not happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 If he's away and you don't have children then why aren't you working? No offense but you should learn to take care of yourself instead of wondering what you're entitled to. Maybe it's your mindset that makes him disrespect you time and time again? Go get a job... I am glad you said this and not me......I am blunt when it comes to this matters, and I have found that people don't want to listen to what I have to say because it goes against their entitlement beliefs. No kids for 10yrs and you just sat around and did what? Normally people will say they stayed home to raise the kids. My ex tried to pull the "primary caregiver" stunt during our separation proceedings, and I had to remind her that she is wasn't / isn't the primary caregiver as she worked throughout and only took mat leave when kid was born If this goes to court, the judge will be asking the OP why they haven't worked in 10yrs, and you are definitely going to look bad and come across as some lazy / entitlement queen. Half pension ...yes knock yourself out with that. You might get alimony because you have no skills and their is a disparity in income, but it won't be forever. If it's like here, you will get 5yrs maximum duration, which is enough time for you to earn a degree and be back on your feet So if you are thinking your spouse has to pay you forever...it ain't going to happen. Alimony is also tax deductible to the payor here, and the payee has to declare the alimony as income. Where am located, there is a no fault divorce...the only benefit from someone admitting to cheating, is that it gets you a quick divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I wont be the one to say i want a divorce it is my spouse. Its like he is a different person and has never been this mean to me ever. No matter how nice i am i get talked down to and called names. I take it because i know he is under stress and depressed. he says im not happy. This is something you have to stop. Stand up for yourself, don't let him be mean to you. Nobody here intended to say that you're lazy or anything like that, you're doing your best but it doesn't matter because your husband does not see it. Even stressed people don't call people they like names. They don't do it to friends, and most certainly not to their partner who supposedly is the closest to him. Why he suddenly starts to deny you, I can't tell. But know it's not caused by stress. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 It also appears that the OP's spouse, and his career, survived an actionable, under UCMJ (article 134 IIRC), offense, that being adultery. As a lifer, such choices as infidelity can destroy a career. Evidently, they kept it amongst themselves. That has value, especially if it happened 'a few times'. The OP 'managed' that aspect and kept the household together for the sake of the team. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I wont be the one to say i want a divorce it is my spouse. Its like he is a different person and has never been this mean to me ever. No matter how nice i am i get talked down to and called names. I take it because i know he is under stress and depressed. he says im not happy. Your husband is probably involved (again) with another woman and that's why he wants to divorce you. I agree with Grace that you need to get job. It will raise your self esteem and also help your finances. All of us have to take care or our homes and cars even though we work. If your husband isn't around how can he miss you not being at home. If he has asked you for a divorce it seems pretty final it will go through as he has no kids to keep him there. I don't think the amount of money you will get from alimony will be enough. You definitely need to hire an attorney to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I don't think the amount of money you will get from alimony will be enough. You can say that again, especially if she has no disability, is young and able to work. I n family law, it is pointed out that every adult has a responsibility to be "self sufficient" and that includes 18 here and 21 yrs old in the US that have decided to not pursue post secondary education and are eligible to vote As I mentioned, if you are looking at Alimony to be a meal ticket, it's not going to happen, so it's about time you decide what you want to do with the rest of your life Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I recall my second wife getting alimony and having her health insurance paid by her second husband until we got married. She was childless, the designated house manager for her CPA husband and, subsequent to divorce, went to school to learn cosmetology and was doing pretty well as a freelance colorist when we met. Still, she was receiving alimony, which helped pay for her schooling and part of her domicile rent. In their case, I don't believe it was an adversarial judgment, rather an agreement amongst the parties. I met her exH on a few occasions and he struck me as that kind (agreement) of man. Yeah, IMO no doubt that alimony, except in extraordinary cases, is not a meal ticket. It can buy groceries though. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 I recall my second wife getting alimony and having her health insurance paid by her second husband until we got married. She was childless, the designated house manager for her CPA husband and, subsequent to divorce, went to school to learn cosmetology and was doing pretty well as a freelance colorist when we met. Still, she was receiving alimony, which helped pay for her schooling and part of her domicile rent. In their case, I don't believe it was an adversarial judgment, rather an agreement amongst the parties. I met her exH on a few occasions and he struck me as that kind (agreement) of man. Yeah, IMO no doubt that alimony, except in extraordinary cases, is not a meal ticket. It can buy groceries though. Yes...you may laugh, and knowing what she did to her ex and how that played out......in this game of tag, it's only a matter of time before YOU ARE IT. Cosmetology eh....like hairdresser, painting nails and all that Point is, Alimony is not for life and it's tax deductible unless of course a person is not declaring it, which then will be fraud Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Generally, alimony orders expire at some specific date or when the recipient gets re-married. For some, indeed it can be a lifetime benefit but that's rare in this day and age, but more common back in the day of my parents where a multi-decade spouse is divorced after essentially a lifetime of unemployment. In my exW's case, her business did quite well, so she made good use of the benefit her exH provided. I don't get the sense that the OP wants to divorce and views the process as a bankroll but rather is afraid of her H divorcing her and how to protect herself from being out on the street without any compensation for the investment she made. Not every H is reasonable and generous like my exW's second H was. Some can be quite brutal. Hopefully that won't be the case here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted February 15, 2014 Share Posted February 15, 2014 Generally, alimony orders expire at some specific date or when the recipient gets re-married. For some, indeed it can be a lifetime benefit but that's rare in this day and age, but more common back in the day of my parents where a multi-decade spouse is divorced after essentially a lifetime of unemployment. In my exW's case, her business did quite well, so she made good use of the benefit her exH provided. I don't get the sense that the OP wants to divorce and views the process as a bankroll but rather is afraid of her H divorcing her and how to protect herself from being out on the street without any compensation for the investment she made. Not every H is reasonable and generous like my exW's second H was. Some can be quite brutal. Hopefully that won't be the case here. Second husband you say? I'll be trembling in my boots if I were you....like I said, tag and you are it...some women are using this as a business means Men...if you are reading this, always a sign an agreement upfront i.e pre-nup with independent legal advice Link to post Share on other sites
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