men/ woman difference???

[lolita jade]

As I was married for 20 years before separation, do you think men are more accepting of the first woman that comes along?

 

My ex is now living with a woman who can't cook, has 3 young children when he doesn't like other peoples children and therefore, he doesn't socialise much, due to having children. Our children are now adult.

 

She was the first woman he met.

 

I only say this as I am extremely fussy over choosing a new man and all of my female friends are too. I realise this is an age thing also as we are all in our 40's but then so is my ex, so wonder if is a man/ woman thing.

 

Or is it a case of just feeling wanted/ cared for?

 

Thanks

[Philosoraptor]

It has nothing to do with gender. People do what it takes for them to move on... oftentimes it's grasping onto the first person that will have them.

[lolita jade]

Thanks,

 

I am not being sexist at all, just from my experience, my female friends have taken time to find a mate.

 

So what makes some people stronger and more choosier I wonder? What would make someone accept the first person who comes along, knowing that they may have to make huge adjustments to their life?

 

I am just trying to start a bit of a discussion on the subject as it is something I struggled with when my ex chose someone with young children. I thought it may help others wondering a similar thing.

 

[Never Again]

People use "rebounds" to move on because they fill a void.

 

It's hard to give up companionship, attention and affection once you've gotten used to it.

[carhill]

I'll add my anecdotes:

 

ExW had a guy living with her in the house I gave her in the divorce before we were divorced. He still lives with her about four years later

 

ExW's best friend moved her new beau into the marital home after her H moved out prior to filing for divorce. They lived together for about three years until she died about a month ago.

 

I've lived alone since my exW and I split up five years ago.

 

IMO, such factors have more to do with individual personalities and demographics than with gender. Around here, there's a surplus of men so women are rarely 'alone'. Practically never, IME. The two examples I provided are typical, which is why I've run into so many MW's and never have dated a woman who was completely single when I met her. That's 54 years of living in one demographic. Is it that way everywhere? No!

 

Good luck.

[KathyM]

I read an article a while back that said that men usually do not fare well after divorce, and are used to the companionship that marriage provided, so they tend to quickly get into another relationship/marriage soon after divorce or becoming a widower. Women, on the other hand, do much better as singles after a divorce than their male counterparts, so they are not so quick to jump back into a serious relationship. Based on my personal observations and experience, I would say that's true. All of the men I know who were either divorced or widowed remarried in less than a year. The women, on the other hand, took their time and didn't feel any rush to remarry.

[RonaldS]

My XW jumped on the first bus that rolled up. She has 3 kids under 8, he has 3 kids under 8, both divorced in roughly the same time period. They will end up married. Yikes. To quote Jerry Seinfeld, 'Good luck with all that'.

 

But they live in a small town in a fairly conservative area, so I will grant them that there are probably not many options available (although I would contend that being alone and working on yourself might be an option as well). Not sure how I would respond to a new relationship in that environment.

 

I, on the other hand, live in a huge city with billions of options. Even with that, I feel no pressing desire to be in a relationship. I'm an independent person. My XW is a completely dependent person. Ipso facto, she's in a relationship and I'm not.

 

I don't necessarily agree with the notion that women recover more quickly from divorce with men and men are more likely to need companionship than women and are quicker to get into new relationships. If there's any statistical basis to men getting into relationships more quickly, it probably has a lot to do with kids and the percentage time a woman has physical custody of them. I can see how a lot of women with younger kids with primary custody not having the time, energy or desire to begin new relationships.

 

But in terms of gender, I'm not sure there's a correlation. You either need/want relationships or you don't, and that's independent of gender.

[M30USA]

In general agreement with the last few posters, I believe the person (regardless of gender) who fares the worst post divorce is the one who is the "taker". They are used to reaping all the benefits of marriage and gave very little in return all along; on the flipside, the "giver" usually isn't as devastated because much of his/her positive energy is freed up and he/she doesn't feel like they lost as much.

[trippi1432]

In general agreement with the last few posters, I believe the person (regardless of gender) who fares the worst post divorce is the one who is the "taker". They are used to reaping all the benefits of marriage and gave very little in return all along; on the flipside, the "giver" usually isn't as devastated because much of his/her positive energy is freed up and he/she doesn't feel like they lost as much.

 

Can you elaborate on that? Not sure I understand the correlation....the definitions yes.....

[carhill]

In general, not necessarily relevant to divorce, 'takers' are always looking for new targets and, when one target is showing signs of weakness or being on to them, they place another target onto the front burner and turn up the flame. Hence, it makes sense that takers would be far more likely to monkey-branch, since there is far more motivation (the psychology of taking) and a consistent behavioral set and life experience/expertise at work.

 

A recent contact with my exW, which provided the confirmation of the anecdotes I shared, also supported this hypothesis, meaning she calls when she wants something. This is not a indictment of her personally, as it is typical in my demographic for females. In fact, it's so typical that the rare occasion it doesn't happen I'm shocked and awed. Thinking back.....hmm, it's been awhile. Oh, my best friend's wife gave me a couple nice shirts the other day. Didn't want anything. There's the example. I'm always surprised. Then again, that's why she's married 30 years.

 

That's life!

[M30USA]

In general, not necessarily relevant to divorce, 'takers' are always looking for new targets and, when one target is showing signs of weakness or being on to them, they place another target onto the front burner and turn up the flame. Hence, it makes sense that takers would be far more likely to monkey-branch, since there is far more motivation (the psychology of taking) and a consistent behavioral set and life experience/expertise at work.

 

A recent contact with my exW, which provided the confirmation of the anecdotes I shared, also supported this hypothesis, meaning she calls when she wants something. This is not a indictment of her personally, as it is typical in my demographic for females. In fact, it's so typical that the rare occasion it doesn't happen I'm shocked and awed. Thinking back.....hmm, it's been awhile. Oh, my best friend's wife gave me a couple nice shirts the other day. Didn't want anything. There's the example. I'm always surprised. Then again, that's why she's married 30 years.

 

That's life!

 

Trippi, this is a good explanation!

[Tripz]

I'll add my anecdotes:

 

 

 

IMO, such factors have more to do with individual personalities and demographics than with gender.

 

Good luck.

^^^^^THIS. You beat me to what I was going to contribute. Good job!

[lolita jade]

I think also, it has something to do with the quality of a prospective partner as in at my age (late 40's) alot of people have baggage which is unacceptable. Alcoholic's, perverts, serial daters, untrustworthy, up to their eyeballs in debt, no chemistry or just plain boring.

 

I have unfortunately, met all of the above in my four years alone. I still don't think I would have fallen for the first man, unless he ticked off a few moral boxes and would need to have a good personality.

 

Perhaps some people who have hooked up with the first person has been lucky enough to have a strong chemistry, so it didn't matter if the have to make huge changes it their life.

 

Others just want to be wanted or needed and feel good about themselves after an awful time of things. This I think can be mistaken for an ideal partner as you are blinded by the euphoria of being loved, wanted again and don't have time to fully love yourself again first.

 

So yes down to personality, luck, whereabouts and whether you need to fill a void or recover first.

 

Maybe ????

 

I wonder how many people realise down the line, however long, that the person they chose was not really right for them (unless they are lucky enough to find total happiness from a rebound)

[trippi1432]

I wonder how many people realise down the line, however long, that the person they chose was not really right for them (unless they are lucky enough to find total happiness from a rebound)

 

I'd say every person who leaves a spouse has already thought this before they tell the spouse and eventually everyone who has been left by their spouse gets to this point of realization as well.

[lolita jade]

Why do you think some people move on to a new W/M and completely throw themselves into that new relationship and totally ignores their old life/ spouse and don't treat their kids as they used to.

 

I only say this because I know for a fact, I would always treat my kids like I always have and would always communicate on a friendly basis at least, if I could with my estranged spouse, if he was alone and I had found someone new. As it is the other way round, I am not given the option to talk to him.

 

I think this is important especially when you have children together and you have spent a large amount of your life with this person. I can understand if it was a nasty split not talking, however.

 

I find it very difficult that my husband dropped even talking to me overnight and talking to me, when he has to, in a condescending manner, when prior to meeting someone new, he was friendly and we even had the odd coffee together. I knew him since I was 19. He was my best friend. The marriage became bad as we grew apart and were living together as brother and sister. I think because we were just so young in the first place.

 

I know I have to move on and pretend he doesn't exist and not involve him in any of my 'kid' decisions. I feel so alien to this though as he is the father of my children. It seems soooo crazy.

 

Most of the time I am happy and live my life but there are times when it gets to me. I know I should 'man' up even though I am a woman but guess this is my personality.

Edited February 12, 2014 by lolita jade

[Tripz]

Why do you think some people move on to a new W/M and completely throw themselves into that new relationship and totally ignores their old life/ spouse and don't treat their kids as they used to.

 

I only say this because I know for a fact, I would always treat my kids like I always have and would always communicate on a friendly basis at least, if I could with my estranged spouse, if he was alone and I had found someone new. As it is the other way round, I am not given the option to talk to him.

 

I think this is important especially when you have children together and you have spent a large amount of your life with this person. I can understand if it was a nasty split not talking, however.

 

I find it very difficult that my husband dropped even talking to me overnight and talking to me, when he has to, in a condescending manner, when prior to meeting someone new, he was friendly and we even had the odd coffee together. I knew him since I was 19. He was my best friend. The marriage became bad as we grew apart and were living together as brother and sister. I think because we were just so young in the first place.

 

I know I have to move on and pretend he doesn't exist and not involve him in any of my 'kid' decisions. I feel so alien to this though as he is the father of my children. It seems soooo crazy.

 

Most of the time I am happy and live my life but there are times when it gets to me. I know I should 'man' up even though I am a woman but guess this is my personality.

Again, I think part of it has to do with different personalities. I also think a lot of us on this website are here because we tend to be sentimental type people. Certainly not all, but of all the people I know with a type A personality, they tend to not live in the past or have much patience for sentimental types. Kind of like, when people try to get other classmates together for a class reunion, many don't come, not because they live too far away or are too busy...they simply don't really care about reuniting with former classmates. They don't see the wonder in how people have changed or how their lives have progressed. I'm not saying everyone that is Type A feels this way, as everyone is different.

 

My wife and I took a personality test many years ago. I actually just discovered it since she left a couple weeks ago. On the test, you were asked different questions and scored a 1 -5, with "5" being that you felt strongly about the question and "1" being not at all. It was very interesting to see how her answers compared to mine. There was an actual question, "Are you sentimental?" I put a 5 and she put a 1. Seeing this answer and all the other answers she wrote has actually helped me understand how easy it was for her to simply "Be Done, Finished, Not Looking Back" towards me. It still hurt, but how can I be completely upset with her when this is simply how her personality is? Sure, she should work on being more compassionate about things in her life, but I should probably work on not living in the past so much. The real tragedy, is that a lot, if not most, of our problems could have been fairly easily worked through had we known that they were personality conflicts in the first place. Simply taking the test didn't really show us what we should have been working on together, just what type of personality we have. Sad.

 

As far as how your Ex is treating your children, probably a combination of personality, unresolved or unrecognized guilt, shame, etc. If he's the type of personality that feels like he's always right, then when he does something wrong, he probably has built up some kinds of walls protecting himself from the truth. I know my wife HATES to be wrong and since she rarely is, she has a false sense of self worth, if that makes sense. Perhaps, self worth isn't the correct term, but she seems to be able to justify her actions when she is wrong, to herself. It's a dangerous thing when one cannot, or is unwilling to self reflect on their own negative traits. The other problem that exists for them, is when YOU can see it and try to talk to them about it. The strong willed person tends to immediately withdraw or returns blame upon the weaker personality. They try to manipulate the conversation and turn it around. This is what my wife tends to do. It took me literally years to figure out how to discuss negative things with her, but all I really was ever able to do was butt heads. She rarely gave into my points, if they were something negative about her or what she had done. Very frustrating for a person like me, that needs resolution to problems quickly.

 

I really don't think a lot of marriage issues are strictly caused by the differences in males or females, but due to differences in personalities. Certainly, there are gender related things that can cause problems, but as I watch people interact whether married or friends or bosses/employees, I see most of the problems being differences in personalities.

 

I don't know if anything I said, even if true, is going to help you in your situation Lolita, but as I watch how unbelievably ridiculous my wife has become since D-Day, it helps me to know that she's probably wracked with immense amounts of shame and guilt. But, instead of properly working through the mess she's created, she's blindly continuing down the path of destruction. I had a psychologist friend tell me that watching this train wreck won't satisfy anything for me, but I will get to watch it happen and will be powerless to stop it. SHE has to put the brakes on and it's now her life alone to do with what she wishes. I just hope she remembers that we have a fairly sensitive, kind hearted 14 year old son riding on both of our life trains and who knows how this all will affect him and his own life...

Edited February 12, 2014 by Tripz

[lolita jade]

Again, I think part of it has to do with different personalities. I also think a lot of us on this website are here because we tend to be sentimental type people. Certainly not all, but of all the people I know with a type A personality, they tend to not live in the past or have much patience for sentimental types. Kind of like, when people try to get other classmates together for a class reunion, many don't come, not because they live too far away or are too busy...they simply don't really care about reuniting with former classmates. They don't see the wonder in how people have changed or how their lives have progressed. I'm not saying everyone that is Type A feels this way, as everyone is different.

 

My wife and I took a personality test many years ago. I actually just discovered it since she left a couple weeks ago. On the test, you were asked different questions and scored a 1 -5, with "5" being that you felt strongly about the question and "1" being not at all. It was very interesting to see how her answers compared to mine. There was an actual question, "Are you sentimental?" I put a 5 and she put a 1. Seeing this answer and all the other answers she wrote has actually helped me understand how easy it was for her to simply "Be Done, Finished, Not Looking Back" towards me. It still hurt, but how can I be completely upset with her when this is simply how her personality is? Sure, she should work on being more compassionate about things in her life, but I should probably work on not living in the past so much. The real tragedy, is that a lot, if not most, of our problems could have been fairly easily worked through had we known that they were personality conflicts in the first place. Simply taking the test didn't really show us what we should have been working on together, just what type of personality we have. Sad.

 

As far as how your Ex is treating your children, probably a combination of personality, unresolved or unrecognized guilt, shame, etc. If he's the type of personality that feels like he's always right, then when he does something wrong, he probably has built up some kinds of walls protecting himself from the truth. I know my wife HATES to be wrong and since she rarely is, she has a false sense of self worth, if that makes sense. Perhaps, self worth isn't the correct term, but she seems to be able to justify her actions when she is wrong, to herself. It's a dangerous thing when one cannot, or is unwilling to self reflect on their own negative traits. The other problem that exists for them, is when YOU can see it and try to talk to them about it. The strong willed person tends to immediately withdraw or returns blame upon the weaker personality. They try to manipulate the conversation and turn it around. This is what my wife tends to do. It took me literally years to figure out how to discuss negative things with her, but all I really was ever able to do was butt heads. She rarely gave into my points, if they were something negative about her or what she had done. Very frustrating for a person like me, that needs resolution to problems quickly.

 

I really don't think a lot of marriage issues are strictly caused by the differences in males or females, but due to differences in personalities. Certainly, there are gender related things that can cause problems, but as I watch people interact whether married or friends or bosses/employees, I see most of the problems being differences in personalities.

 

I don't know if anything I said, even if true, is going to help you in your situation Lolita, but as I watch how unbelievably ridiculous my wife has become since D-Day, it helps me to know that she's probably wracked with immense amounts of shame and guilt. But, instead of properly working through the mess she's created, she's blindly continuing down the path of destruction. I had a psychologist friend tell me that watching this train wreck won't satisfy anything for me, but I will get to watch it happen and will be powerless to stop it. SHE has to put the brakes on and it's now her life alone to do with what she wishes. I just hope she remembers that we have a fairly sensitive, kind hearted 14 year old son riding on both of our life trains and who knows how this all will affect him and his own life...

wow....This is my ex....

 

I am type b personality and yes he is type a, however, I am a Virgo and he is Pisces...Opposites if you believe in horoscopes, which I do as far as personality types go. (not the daily stuff you read though:) ) I was always stronger during the marriage though, because I think, he was looking for guidance from me, he is naive and will do anything to please someone he is in love with. Now he is no longer with me. He has become a dictator, even when everything coming out of his mouth is rubbish.

 

When I was with him though, he would try and dictate to everyone else. He has become alot more laid back and doesn't worry about anything even when he should. But he is not laid back with me on the odd occasion I talk to him, not letting me get a word in edgeways, when before he would be quite quiet.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am very rebellious and strong when I need to be. When he dictates, even when he hasn't got a clue what he is talking about, I just say to myself, ' What a naive idiot' and think something will come back to bite him. His new GF is manipulating him I am sure as well. When he met her, I was trying to get back with him and he kept saying in front of me ' no I must be strong' or ' she is very strong she is not like him'. He even told her he thought alot of his wife and she still wanted him

 

I didn't think it was possible for someone to change their personalties in their forties, maybe it is.

 

Your wife sounds just like him.

 

Thanks your viewpoint is great