stannisbaratheon Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 I got divorced march of last year. My wife of 5 years, we were together 9, dumped me abruptly for another man. I screwed up, took her for granted and let myself go. Put on weight, let my teeth get in poor shape. I always assumed she felt the same about me, when she had our daughter and for years after she was very heavy and i stood by her. But I was wrong, it happens. We have split custody of our 2 kids 5 and 7. Both are autistic, and they are my life. Before we split, I had left my career for 2 years and stayed at home with them while she worked because its what she wanted. When she left me, I had nothing but got back into my profession, got a new car, spent alot of money on my dental work. Have tried to get myself together. I was still in love with her until a couple months ago when she got pregnant with his kid. Then I knew there was no going back. I guess what I need advice with. We have split custody of the kids, but ive never been happy with it. I found out she hadnt even got the kids a bed, and had to push her to get it done and stop putting them on the couch or her bed. She bounces them to babysitters alot. She refuses to ever do anything as a family even if its chucky cheese for the kids bday or christmas because her boyfriend doesnt approve. She never has a nice thing to say to me. There are times I feel like she tries to push me and hurt me, and I guess I dont understand why since she left. But she wants my attention, if i ignore her she snaps and threatens things like going to court and fighting me to try and get full custody out of spite. She wants me to shower her with attention, even though she broke my heart and my family. I feel like I have no choice though, because after all thats happened I simply cant handle more drama. When she first split, she was ready to leave the kids with me and move on. I had to talk her into staying around, now she is, and shes better then she was then but i dont feel like her hearts in it. Im also disappointed that she chose to have another child, when two special needs children require so much attention themselves. My kids love their mother. They prefer it at my place becaus e i spoil them. Game systems, toys, i get their clothes, Im basically a mom and a dad. The question is, should i just give her the attention she wants to maintain peace even if it makes me feel a fool? Do I keep letting the children go to her all the time even if I dont fully trust her? Do I need to just accept it? Why is she so cruel to me, any women have similar experiences with an ex they left? Any men have similar experiences with ex wives? She used to be so devoted to our kids, how could some man change that? Link to post Share on other sites
lolita jade Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 (edited) Hi, You need advice regarding how she is treating the kids. Can you get an hour's free lawyer for advice like we can in the UK? Regarding your ex, see my post, 'in short' I want it to be all nice with my ex of 20 years but Tara has told me, quite rightly, to toughen up, as per the 'the one with less interested has most of the power' quote. Thinking about it as a woman, if my ex would have acted harder and tougher with me in the first place instead of being soft, I don't think i would have even split with him. Us women, secretly want strong men in our lives and not a pushover. Really try not to be soft with her. I am sure if you toughen up and act uninterested in her, you will see better results. I have the same thing with my husband and my kids. He was so devoted. I cannot change him. I have tried to keep things nice and treat him like a friend as the father of my adult children, but as soon as somebody else is involved, you are on a losing battle. Only thing you can do, is become really independent, make yourself the best you can, love yourself and do the best for you kids. What goes round comes round and I bet at some point she will regret what she has done, when something goes wrong with her relationship, further down the line. People believe in that the grass in greener but at the end of the day, it seldom is for long. Don't let her be cruel to you. But don't be mean back, try reverse psychology , and remain uninterested. I know from my husband, its the worst feeling ever and nothing you can do about it. Read this, as recommended in the pinned article at the start of the forum. About detachment. I just did and it's great. http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ Edited February 11, 2014 by lolita jade error 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stannisbaratheon Posted February 11, 2014 Author Share Posted February 11, 2014 This was truly sound advice. Looked at the post and the article, and its true. I paint myself as weak. I will try this strategy, and will follow up on results in the future. I appreciate it, this helped me see things with more clarity. Link to post Share on other sites
lolita jade Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 It is really hard when you still care for someone and wish things had never got the way it has. You cannot change them though. They will not come running back to you. The only thing that could possibly happen is as I said, is find out they are not happy in their new life at some point in the future. You just have to get pride in yourself and become a new, amazing you. Move on whether you like it or not and become lovable to somebody else. Stay strong and positive. I can see you having the last laugh in all of this mess. Just believe!! Link to post Share on other sites
lolita jade Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 My other advice is try giving some advice to somebody with similar problems. You will find that what you are typing is what you should do yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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