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How to show you're improved?


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I'm interested in people's experiences in demonstrating how they've changed, versus just saying so.

 

My wife has endured my depression for years and all its symptons: irritability, rudeness, a lack of self awareness, forgetfulness, relationship clumsiness and fear. She left me four months ago and is set on divorce.

 

I want us back together, but I know words won't work. I have to get better and she has to see it. I have to learn to love myself and get some self-confidence.

 

The problem is, how do I do this and how do I show her how I've improved?

 

I know that I'm a loving guy. My values were infected by pride and fear. I'm working hard on re-calibrating things. I no longer want a huge career - I simply want my family back and a future together. She doesn't know this, and most likely wouldn't believe it if she did.

 

I'm out of work right now, so I can't exactly quit my job to prove the work thing to her, but there's so much else that's changed too, like how I want to talk with her every night about our feelings and our relationship, or how I want to think of things to do together each weekend, or how I want us both to get fit.

 

This is a difficult question, I know, but I do wonder if anyone has anything to offer? I'm not going to just sit back and take this - I'm going to get better and, if I can, get her back.

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She won't believe you've changed until she stumbles across you on her own. Otherwise, you're gonna throw yourself to her, get on your knees, and say "honey! I've changed. Take me back!" She's gotta be surprised. If she finds out that you're better and you haven't contacted her, you're gonna lead her to believe that you got better for YOURSELF and not for her. Going back to her expecting her to change her mind is showing too much desperation, and it would probably make her feel like you haven't really changed for yourself. She might doubt whether you really have changed, or you're just doing a really good job at pretending.

 

I know your first instinct is to throw yourself on stage in the spotlight and say "here I am! Stop the divorce!" But the only way you can convince her that you're better is if she goes through the motions. She's gotta be able to see you, and she might question "has he changed?" You don't want to give into anything, you want to be "strong and independent" so you want show her that you're getting better with or without her. Only then can you have the chance of getting her back, but that's a best case scenario.

 

Life tends to not work out the way they do. However, if you truly changed for yourself, then you'll come out with new perspectives on life and able to eventually find someone else who will appreciate the new you.

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She won't believe you've changed until she stumbles across you on her own. Otherwise, you're gonna throw yourself to her, get on your knees, and say "honey! I've changed. Take me back!" She's gotta be surprised. If she finds out that you're better and you haven't contacted her, you're gonna lead her to believe that you got better for YOURSELF and not for her. Going back to her expecting her to change her mind is showing too much desperation, and it would probably make her feel like you haven't really changed for yourself. She might doubt whether you really have changed, or you're just doing a really good job at pretending.

 

I know your first instinct is to throw yourself on stage in the spotlight and say "here I am! Stop the divorce!" But the only way you can convince her that you're better is if she goes through the motions. She's gotta be able to see you, and she might question "has he changed?" You don't want to give into anything, you want to be "strong and independent" so you want show her that you're getting better with or without her. Only then can you have the chance of getting her back, but that's a best case scenario.

 

Life tends to not work out the way they do. However, if you truly changed for yourself, then you'll come out with new perspectives on life and able to eventually find someone else who will appreciate the new you.

 

This is great advice. I would say it applies just about to any situation except those involving significant abuse or infidelity.

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confused-hesitant

I'm going to tell you what you DON'T want to hear, and its going to be tough. My husband and I are going through the same thing, he was a jerk for almost 10 years. I stayed because we have a child together and I didn't think I could raise her by myself. Once that rudeness and meanness started going towards her I was done. My feelings for him died a LONG time ago, the rudeness and general mean attitude killed it. NOW he's trying to change, AFTER I made him move out, AFTER I've moved on. He thinks now that if he becomes a better person mentally, physically, emotionally that I will just miraculously fall back in love with him and we'll be one big happy family. Well, it doesn't work that way and the MORE he tells me he's changed the MORE I just want away from him. I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would tell him - time to move on. You may love her but now you need to heal yourself for YOU. Don't follow her around, don't try to tell her how much your changing and how your becoming a better person. If I hear that one more time from him I'm going to flip out. Just sit back, change for YOU, and, if she still has even a tiny bit of feelings left for you, it WILL come back. If you pester her, try to talk to her, beg her on your knees, its just going to push her away more. I, unfortunately, have NO feelings left for my soon to be ex, and he just won't accept that. He just KNOWS if he shows me how he's a better person that I'm just going to magically fall in love with him again. Don't pester her. If its meant to happen then it WILL happen, if not then it won't.

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Movingforward2

I have been very humbled by divorce and it definitely changes you. Usually for the better. I'm a better person, father, and will be a better partner no doubt about it. I'm sure my XW sees it and knows it. She is afraid to trust again. My only question is why would you let someone else benefit from it? The divorce and her standing up to me is what has caused me to get it together, but if you could have everything you want now, why would you let someone else have it? That's what I don't understand. Her and I can have great conversation and get along, but she won't give me a chance at a date. And I'm done asking. Someone else will go. We had lunch together on Friday, and it was like normal again. I've had to watch her go full mid-life crisis and blow up our family life, and was willing to make it work all the way through that. Now, she is becoming something I don't even want to deal with. It's very complicated, but as the mother of my kids, it's like I'm watching her drive right off a cliff. She's going to regret it at some point, but she thinks I'm going to be around to save her when she falls again. I would do it now, but not sure I could it again once I get involved with someone else.

 

We have one last vacation planned together for the kids, and I'm sure the topic will come up. I'm ready to move on one way or another. She says she's moved on, but I think if she was honest with herself, she is torn. She knows the deal, but wants to see what's on the other side. That's the issue. She isn't honest with herself. But i can't "make her" be honest, she has to want it. And right now that answer is no. I'm sure it will probably happen once I'm moving on with someone else.

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You show her you changed by not looking for every dam opportunity to break NC.

 

It could take a month, a three months, a year or forever.

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You show her you changed by not looking for every dam opportunity to break NC.

 

It could take a month, a three months, a year or forever.

 

...or never.

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M30USA, if it's not obvious to her that you have changed, I am sorry to say that you haven't changed enough. Go back and try working on new improvements.

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M30USA, if it's not obvious to her that you have changed, I am sorry to say that you haven't changed enough. Go back and try working on new improvements.

 

I'm going to give you a free pass on this one and assume that you don't know my situation and you clearly did not get the point of my last short post.

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I have been very humbled by divorce and it definitely changes you. Usually for the better. I'm a better person, father, and will be a better partner no doubt about it. I'm sure my XW sees it and knows it. She is afraid to trust again. My only question is why would you let someone else benefit from it? The divorce and her standing up to me is what has caused me to get it together, but if you could have everything you want now, why would you let someone else have it? That's what I don't understand. Her and I can have great conversation and get along, but she won't give me a chance at a date. And I'm done asking. Someone else will go. We had lunch together on Friday, and it was like normal again. I've had to watch her go full mid-life crisis and blow up our family life, and was willing to make it work all the way through that. Now, she is becoming something I don't even want to deal with. It's very complicated, but as the mother of my kids, it's like I'm watching her drive right off a cliff. She's going to regret it at some point, but she thinks I'm going to be around to save her when she falls again. I would do it now, but not sure I could it again once I get involved with someone else.

 

There are some real similarities in your situation as mine. As I move through some of these phases of loss (she left me), I'm starting to see some pride issues in her. She seems to think her life is going along as planned (I know she's been planning some kind of escape for a while), but I think she's still in the glory of finally being on her own. Like you, I am watching her go full on mid-life crisis (I did it about 5 years earlier, but stayed with her, so I kind of know the signs). I have been willing to try again, even though she's having a full on affair and I think was seeing an old boyfriend of 20+ years ago. She denies that one, said it was only emotional. I really don't care either way, but how she's acting now is completely unlike her. It's like she thinks she's 20 again and is trying to relive some of that, but with an older mindset, if that makes sense. I think, in 3 -6 months, she's going to wake up, realize what she has actually lost, realize that "I" wasn't the problem, our poor communication skills were. Unfortunately, for her, I will be long gone and headlong into my own new life. Sad, because we were really once great together. I mean really great.

 

To the OP, how do I show I've improved? Being able to look in the mirror finally and not take on 90% of the blame for this cockup that has transpired. I'm realizing that I actually DID start making changes and a long time ago too, but she had already checked out of this relationship. She gets some blame for not saying anything. She should have at least said, "I'm unhappy, what can we do to work on this"? Especially when she started having thoughts for other men.

 

It truly does take two to make it work.

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I'm going to give you a free pass on this one and assume that you don't know my situation and you clearly did not get the point of my last short post.

 

Actually, I apologize. My comments were directed at the OP uku383. I misread this thread as being started by you.

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todreaminblue

You have to want to change for you not just to get her back .......if she has endured years of behavior that wasnt so good....then it might take a while for her to trust your intentions...maybe a job would be a place to start......good guys who are struggling with gaining employment are often depressed...men like to feel like providers for their family..so dont know if this might o rmight not be an issue for you....how do you feel?..i wish you much luck and best wishes....deb

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Thanks for all of the comments.

 

Frankly, I can see that I need to step back.

 

I know that I have to do this for me. If I don't then I won't be able to deal with this being over (which it most likely is).

 

Yes, I need to get a job. That's a tough nut to crack at the moment, but I'm working on it.

 

Basically, I just need to keep plugging away. If she notices then great. If not, well at least I'm recovering. Some days are a bit harder than others though!

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Actually, I apologize. My comments were directed at the OP uku383. I misread this thread as being started by you.

 

No prob, I've done the same too.

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