Where to go from here

[Orphanannie]

I am new to this site, but have found it very informative, but I haven't run across my situation yet.

 

I have been married for 29 years. He had 3 one night type affairs within the first few years of our marriage. I had a longer one, more emotional 10 years after his last one. We went to counseling and things had been going pretty good, with lots of flashback arguments tho up until 2 years ago. We had both discussed we didn't think we could ever go thru anything like this again and survive.

 

Two years ago he started talking online to other women secretly. When I found out he stopped for a short time, but was very resentful of it. Long story short he then switched to swinging (something we could do together). Yes we tried it, and it was a terrible experience. After that we decided together we were done with it. Then I find out he is still talking and now he says he wants to experience life....escape reality....etc, and he thinks I should either do the same or just accept it.

 

I'm at wits end. I love him to the moon and back and would do just about anything for him, but I can't go thru this. It is tearing me apart physically and emotionally. When I mention doing it the right way and getting a divorce he gets all mad about how he knew I didn't love him enough to "give him permission/or let him experience life". Then he says he guesses he just give it up and be miserable.

 

He says he will never sign papers for a divorce, because I am the only one he wants. And that he loves me. And that this is just an escape, away from finances and work issues. That he'd never leave me or put anyone before me. But I know that isn't even feasible in affairs. Emotions creep in whether you want them to or not.

 

I am so ready to just give it up and start finding myself, but I love him, and over all it's been a great marriage, and he has been an excellent husband, and father. We have the outside picture perfect marriage, but if they only knew the inside story!

 

Any suggestions?

[TaraMaiden]

Yes:

Think with your head, not your heart.

 

Love is clealy not enough to keep you together, because he's not in it to win it, and you cannot love enough for two.

This realtionship is more one-sided than you perceive.

He'ss elfish and a 'cake-eater' because he wants the ebst of both worlds, and is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you nd keep you where he wants you.

This marriage has reached a dead end.

You can't keep crashing against the buffers in the hope of making progress, because it's a brick wall.

 

I get you love him, but truly, this is not a healthy relationship.

 

Affairs?

Swinging?

subterfuge and going behind your back?

 

This isn't marriage - it's a mockery.

I'm not even sure it's love you have, but dependency....

 

He doesn't have to sign anything.

There are ways of separating and getting the deed done without necessarily having to have his say-so.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer or a legal adviser at least.

 

For goodness' sake, think logically.

lay aside what drives you emotionally, and consider the practicalities of separation, because this thing is on its back with feet in the air.

[Yasuandio]

What does your husband define as "experience life" and "escape reality?" What does that mean???

 

Is this about having another woman or women on the side for sexual or emotional purposes? He's been doing that and isn't satisfied.

 

Is this a need for adventure, like skydiving or bungi-jumping? Set up a date and dare him. Looked like a really cool thing to do on last week's "The Bachalor" TV show. Good bonding experience to develop trust between partners.

 

Or perhaps a good dose of pharmaceutical grade LSD might be in order, that will definitely take him out of reality for 6-8 hours. But where do you get it? That I don't know. It must be available somewhere. Or, maybe some marijuana. Do you live in California or one of the states where it has been legalized?

 

I would really make him specify what he EXACTLY wants. Then, if you can't live with that, then divorce him. I think that swinger's thing was disgusting. I bet you will forever be grossed out from that. I mean, whT do you talk about when you get home, after an evening like that? How do you make conversation in the morning after while you sip your coffee following such an event? Hope this helps. Yas

Edited February 1, 2014 by Yasuandio

[lockedoutluv]

Orphanannie, you have to understand that the reality that your husband is attempting to escape is almost certainly not the finances or work issues. The behaviors he is exhibiting are classic symptoms of trying to escape the reality of the home life, his marriage and his wife. This is what his actions are showing and you should try to come to terms with this.

[Orphanannie]

Thanks alot for the advice. This has been a nightmare beyond nightmares. And I guess for me I am ready to wake up. I agree it's not about finances or stress, it's more about him still feeling like a man that women want. Well I'm not doing it immediately, but I'm going to leave. In the meantime I'm going to start working myself towards some sort of self dependency. I've never really worked outside of the home. Never had to manage everything. And never been on my own, so this is going to be all new to me, but I figure why cut myself short, make sure I am on my feet before I walk out the door. I think today I finally woke up a new person, with a vision.

I guess I just needed someone to tell me the same thing I was seeing, and knew, but was to afraid to admit.

[TaraMaiden]

Bit by bit, little by little, almost imperceptibly, you have to create some real solid ground underneath yourself, and gain independence.

 

I'm merely making small suggestions here, but put a tiny bit of money aside every month/week, whatever... enrol on a course doing something you love, and gain a qualifiction you'd love to have.

 

There are all kinds of things you can start doing to quit being "so-and-so's wife" and instead being yourself, in your own right.

We're here to support you.

if and when things get a little bleak, come back in and 'talk'.

We'll do whatever we can.....