Separated, hurting, can't talk to her?

[tehsteve]

Hi All,

 

I'll preface this with a TL:DR warning, it's long and half the reason I'm writing it is just to get it off of my chest.

 

I've been reading through this forum over the last few days and am thankful to all of you that have been sharing. There isn't much I'm going to say that hasn't been said already, but I'm feeling a lot of pain about my situation and based on the advice I've received from friends, my psychologist and this forum itself, I'm trying to do a "180" and give her space. A little background:

 

Wife and I met almost 9 years ago, we've been married for 3. We've had our ups and downs, but I can assure you that I love her with all of my heart and every time we've had a down period I've been able to reconnect with her. I struggle with anxiety, mostly social, and it's gotten worse with age. I'm 30 now, only have a couple of good friends and haven't made much of an effort with her friends or family. She's often gone alone without me to functions and it's definitely put a strain on our relationship. I never made much effort to confront my social anxiety and felt doomed to deal with it for life, that is, until she left. When she left I realized very quickly that I would devolve into a state of potentially much worse mental health as I was relying on her as my sole source of support. I'm happy to report that I've spent the last couple of weeks reaching out to old friends, opening up to family, and seeking professional help. I'm determined to get myself into a better place regardless of the outcome of this separation. There's more to it than that, but basically I think she's fallen out of love with me. She is such an amazing girl, she refuses to leave the blame for this on me entirely and insists she's at least half responsible.

 

Early on in our relationship I found a chat log between her and an ex boyfriend that troubled me. Nothing to indicate cheating, but the way they were speaking I realized that maybe she was the type of person that could. I never could, and even during a time of great weakness in our relationship when that opportunity was presented to me I quickly pushed away from it. This was prior to marriage. This led to some trust issues on my part that I've not been able to let go of, and even now with the separation I find myself wondering if she's reached out to these people from her past though it's been nearly 9 years. I know in my heart that she's been faithful to me, and based on the long and emotional talk that we had on the night she told me she wanted to separate there has been no funny business in that way. She would have told me then when everything was on the table. I know I need to address these trust issues, but I don't really know how. I'm working with my therapist on this, and hoping that at some point her and I can get some marriage counselling to finally put it behind us.

 

The trust issues that I developed led to intimacy issues on my part. I became disinterested in sex, though the odd time when we would have sex it is always amazing. Afterwords I would wonder why we didn't do it more often, but I forced myself to avoid looking further at the question. She would initiate, but I would be too tired, or not in the mood. This made her feel unattractive and unwanted. I feel like such a fool now. Two sessions with a therapist and I realized so much about myself and why I've behaved this way for so long and now I'm full of regret for not addressing it sooner.

 

Then there's the kid thing. I didn't think I wanted kids when we got together, and neither did she. I always remained open to it, but to be honest I am afraid that because of my anxiety I might not make the greatest dad in the world. She realized a couple of years ago that she did in fact want to have kids, and at one point she made a comment about wanting to have kids but not with me. That hurt so much that I'd basically built a wall in my mind to try and forget about it but it prevented me from opening up to her about why. I do actually want kids, and I think that if I can get my mental health sorted out I'd actually be a pretty great dad. I didn't realize it until I started being more reflective, but I had an excellent example. My dad never missed a thing in my life, but he always felt inadequate because we didn't have a lot of money growing up. He pushed me hard to get a post secondary education so I could have a "better" life, and I've spent the last 12 years trying to attain that. What I didn't realize is that I don't want that life. I want the life my parents gave me for my own children - one that isn't focused on material wealth but on a respect for nature, animals and other people. My wife has apologized for that comment several times, and says she didn't mean it the way it was said. I know what she meant, and I know she didn't mean it to be hurtful. We've both made comments over the years that have cut deep, and I think the making of those comments developed as a result of learned behaviour from my mother. Her side of the family has always been like that, using guilt and making comments that could be vicious at times. I recognized that I was turning into her in this regard a couple of years ago and have made a strong effort to be aware of it, stop it, and when I slip to quickly catch myself and apologize.

 

Anyway, she's staying with a friend and I'm moving out to my parents for a couple of months while they are away. During the first week I was scrambling, very hurt, very emotional and tried my best to convince her to "give me another chance" but she's too strong. I've promised her in the past that I would change, and I do for a short period but then it always go back to the same pattern. This time it's different, and it really is - I've opened up and become vulnerable to others, I have many people holding me accountable to change, and the key person there is myself. I wasn't happy before all of this and I want to come out of it a stronger and better person and hopefully husband.

 

So here I am, I felt like I needed to put this out there and get it off of my chest. I have so many things I want to say to her, but they all sound hollow to her at this point and I don't blame her for not trusting me. I've promised things before and haven't lived up to them. I want to focus on myself for a while, I want to give her space, but I'm afraid that we'll grow even further apart and I might even lose her if I haven't already. I can't get her out of my head. I haven't cried at anything for years, and in the last two weeks I've barely been able to contain myself at the sight of anything, the sound of any love song, you all know the deal. I know that in the end I won't spend the rest of my life alone, I'm a decent guy, I'm aware of and working on my issues, I'm not bad looking and I can meet someone else - but the thing is, I can't even think of other women. No one else is like this girl, she's the perfect person for me and I've taken that for granted. There isn't much I wouldn't do to get her back and it's taking every ounce of self control that I have not to constantly reach out to her, write letters, leave notes, show up at her friend's place and beg, or make grandiose gestures. The first few days were full of letters, notes, and tearful conversations that she wasn't ready to have - I hope I didn't ruin my chances by doing that but in fairness to me, she had a lot of time to think this through where for me the rug was just sort of pulled out from under me.

 

She tells me that she feels lost, like she doesn't know who she is anymore or what it's going to take to make her happy but that she's tired of living a lie and pretending to be happy. By all accounts outside of our home, people probably think we have an amazing marriage. Happy pictures, vacations all over the place, dining out together all the time - but behind the scenes it's been her wearing a mask, and me hiding from my issues. She thinks I don't know her, because how could I know her when she doesn't even know herself. I feel that I do know her, that there are certain aspects of a person that can't be faked, certain traits that are genuine and that I value. Right now she doesn't want to hear what those are, but I hope there will come a time that she does.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. I look forward to any advice that anyone might have and maybe even some open dialogue between those going through something similar. To all of you feeling the pain that I am right now, I'm so sorry and I hope it gets better for you as well.

 

Thanks.

[winston36]

Steve, thanks for sharing. Our stories are about 75% alike, and you did a lot of things I did right when the other shoe dropped. By now, you know what was smart and wasn't, but learning what to do on forums like this or books is never your first instinct. Acting with your heart and your head is. And then, we make the changes realize what we are losing and it feels too late.

I'm 32, have a few key differences from you involving kids, some other crazy factors, etc. But I share in the mental health thing to the point where this caused me to go see a psychologist for unresolved anxiety and depression. And I sympathize in the "not knowing what is about to happen even though you know she was upset" guilt. We think/thought this was for life and we'd eventually work on it, but we let eventually go on too far. I also had a similar chat log message discovery a while back that led to nothing so I thought, but then I find out she actually went and visited this "friend" in Florida last week. Such is life. You never know I guess. And of course the worst feeling is that everything is correctable and can be fixed again, but you can't show her from the sidelines.

I had a good-to-great relationship with most of my wife's family and it was a big family because of step brothers, multiple step parents, etc. But like you, i bailed on so many events in the last year and she was always having to explain why she was there alone. That stuff adds up and eats at them. And rightly so, I guess. The worst part is those family members are the only potential allies you have since your friends/family aren't talking to her, so how they view you is important b/c so much of what they do or say is based on emotion and feeling, how they can support her emotionally...and trust me, they aren't going to forums or books either to learn what to say or what not to say. What sucks is there advice is framed solely on what she says to them. I joked the other day if I told my best friend that I had three minutes to live, he would tell me to go skydiving immediately. It's an extreme example, but you get my point.

The hardest thing to reconcile, at least lately for me, is that you want her to be happy and you see that she is happy. But the falsehood lies in that she thinks she's only happy b/c you aren't around and the relationship is over. That's not why she's happy. She's happy because she's getting a break from the relationship that had gone toxic. There's room for happiness and a possibility of life with you in it if the relationship could become un-toxic. But when they lose the desire to work on things, they don't see that at all. You and happiness to them are polar opposites in their eyes for now.

I think that time can and will fix this for you, if you have it. She seems like she still has feelings so that's a positive, as is the fact she doesn't hate you.

Stick with no contact and work on yourself. That is the best prescription regardless of outcome for you, which should be the only thing that matters. You can't do anything but drive her away by talking/contacting her, at least right now, anyway. Hang in there, buddy.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Im going through the samething right now its been 3 weeks since my wife left me we been together 9 years and have four kids together as of right now she dont wanna talk to me she doesnt call or text me I beg to work it out and even cryed alot the first two weeks but she keep saying the samething to me that she dont wanna be with me or anybody for along time but I see her on facebook becoming friends with alot of guys she went to school with and some she even dated

 

Its so painful I walk around the house looking lost not knowing what to do but I know one thing I will not contack her anymore

[tehsteve]

I guess I'm fortunate. My wife has a big heart and isn't mean spirited at all. I have of course been watching facebook like crazy, waiting for the same thing to happen Juan - but so far, nothing. Much like you though, she doesn't really have much interest in talking to me aside from short messages. She is friendly though, always tells me to have a good day and ends her messages with a smile. She's going for counselling today on her own and then hopefully we'll talk later this week. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I desperately want her back. I had been hiding behind so many things before this happened, I didn't realize how badly I had taken her for granted. Whether or not part of the blame lies with her isn't so much the issue for me, it's that I could have prevented this. I should have realized what I was doing and asked for help a long time ago, but like so many others I was waiting for that ultimatum that never came. Apparently life isn't like the movies, there isn't always a second chance.

 

Much like you, Juan I've been pacing around the house trying to make sense of all this. Every picture sets me off, every song on the radio... I'm a mess. I've written her no less than a dozen letters, but thanks to the advice on this forum they've all remained unsent and as more of a sounding board for myself. I suggest you do the same. Journalling is therapeutic and has helped me realize where a lot of our issues were. If she'll ever give me another chance I think I'll be a much better husband having gone through this, despite all of the pain. I hope things work out well for you, don't give up hope yet. I'm not either, and I know how much the uncertainty is probably bothering you - it's killing me, and that's probably why I'm posting here instead of working!

[Iamyoungjuan]

Yes its killing me I want her back so bad idk what to do I chexk the phone alot hopeing to see if she called or texted I asked her about divorce she keep telling me that its up to me that she really havnt thought about it last week I also asked her can she change her phone number because I didnt wanna keep calling her and making things worse she told me she will change it but she didnt I dont know what to think I told her I feel like I never had a chance to get her back even down the road her reply was I didnt say that only thing she tells me is that she dont wanna be a a relationship for a long time some months

 

Im trying to the the 180 right now but at the same time im wishing she call or text asking to talk she tol me its a couple male friends trying to talk to her that she went to school with and that she will be going out to some partys this weekend that she was invited too

[tehsteve]

We're in the same boat my friend. I'm checking my phone constantly, refreshing facebook all the time, trying my best to do the 180 but it's hard. Mine had an important appointment today and I want to text to ask her how it went, but I'm not going to.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that yours is playing games with the whole "going to some parties" on the weekend thing. I don't think it's necessary to play with each others emotions like that. I have no idea what my wife is doing this weekend though and it certainly pains me to wonder about it. I hope she hasn't given up on me yet, I hope she's not looking to meet someone else.

 

Stick with me on the 180, let's see what happens. She might really just need some time, and she might need to see some positive improvements on your part. I'm doing my best to improve, started seeing a personal trainer, connected with old friends, going to sign up for some volunteer work, that sort of thing. I've pretty much been hiding under a rock for the last couple of years so for her to see me making an effort I hope will help. Either way, I need to make that effort to become a more fulfilled person with or without her.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Yeah im gonna stick wit you on the 180 she just sent me a picture of my daughter but I didnt reply as of right now it seem like she gave up on us but by giving her space and doing the 180 I hope she start to miss me and realize what she had

 

I hope things go well with you I wouldnt wish this on anyone this is the worst feeling

[Iamyoungjuan]

We're in the same boat my friend. I'm checking my phone constantly, refreshing facebook all the time, trying my best to do the 180 but it's hard. Mine had an important appointment today and I want to text to ask her how it went, but I'm not going to.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that yours is playing games with the whole "going to some parties" on the weekend thing. I don't think it's necessary to play with each others emotions like that. I have no idea what my wife is doing this weekend though and it certainly pains me to wonder about it. I hope she hasn't given up on me yet, I hope she's not looking to meet someone else.

 

Stick with me on the 180, let's see what happens. She might really just need some time, and she might need to see some positive improvements on your part. I'm doing my best to improve, started seeing a personal trainer, connected with old friends, going to sign up for some volunteer work, that sort of thing. I've pretty much been hiding under a rock for the last couple of years so for her to see me making an effort I hope will help. Either way, I need to make that effort to become a more fulfilled person with or without her.

 

How long have yall been apart? its been 3 weeks for me so far

[tehsteve]

It's been about two weeks for us, not quite. She said she needed time and space, I asked how much time she needed and she said at this point maybe a year. I don't think I can do a year, not without at least a commitment to try and work things out, get some marriage counselling, etc. I can take it slow, I can stay separated from her for a while to give her space but we'd have to be making progress and going on some dates trying to rebuild our romance. If I have to spend a year away from my wife, I think I might lose my mind. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I want to kick my own ass. I'm trying to forgive myself for past misgivings, but to know that I've caused this and brought it on myself is incredibly painful.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Yeah my wife dont call or text me she only text pictures of the kids he said she wanted space and dont wanna go to MC she said she didnt know if she even wanted to work on the marraige anymore I feel like I lost her to someone else already she keep telling me she dont have any male friends or talking to someone else but deep dowm I know she is

[tehsteve]

Well, it turns out I'm not very good at the whole no contact deal - I just miss her way too much to completely cut ties. Last night I told her that I loved her. I phrased it like "I know that you can't reciprocate right now, but I love you" and surprisingly she responded with an "I love you too." I won't read to far into that as I'm sure it could easily be accompanied by an "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" however it did make my night a whole lot better. It's important to me that she knows I'm thinking of her and that I'm not ready to let go.

 

Anyways, I am trying to respect her wish for space and I left it at that - then today I check my email and the valentines day promotions start coming in from various stores. I'm not a hallmark holiday guy, but the thought of spending that day without her is pretty painful so after a lot of thought I just decided to ask her if she would consider going on a date with me for valentines. I stressed that there would not be any pressure and that she could set the boundaries, that it would just be a date. Really I just want to spend some time with her, and since I've promised to change in the past but haven't stayed true to my word I don't think words matter much anymore so I want to try and show her that I'm changing for the better. She did reply with an "I'll think about it" which is likely a no, but at least she replied. That's where I'm at today after another sleepless night thinking about her.

 

I started reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" that she gave to me on her way out the door when she left. She hasn't read it yet, and it's certainly not my normal reading material but I'm actually finding it quite useful. As a man there are certain societal norms or expectations that aren't in line with thinking or talking about our feelings and I've done a great job of living up to those norms. Reading this book and opening up to others, I've realized I would have been a much happier person all along if I would have made myself more vulnerable. Great read for those going through similar.

[Misadventure]

I know you don't want to hear this but you are only going to hurt yourself more by not going NC and also if you do the begging thing. Asking her on a date is kind of like begging. She did say she loves you and she probably does, but then she said but she is not IN love with you. This hurts. I KNOW. She is trying to see if the grass is greener and what else is out there and possibly find out who she is. She is doing this without you. As much as it sucks, you need to let her. Either she will realize that you indeed are her soul mate and she can't live without you, or she will decide that she needs to be alone for awhile or see what else is out there potentially for her. By you calling or asking her out is going to push her further away and turn her off. You need to start focusing on YOU. Make the priority of each day YOU. And each first thought of each day YOU, and before you go to bed each night YOU. It does hurt...SHE did this, not you... but you need to start living in a world of you right now just in case she decides that she is not part of your world anymore.