Feeling so sad tonight,

[Sunday Girl]

I cant believe Ive joined a forum to ask for help. I guess that means it is real. I never do anything behind my husbands back, I ve always been open and honest, but I cant go on with my marriage. 2014 was supposed to be the year of us "getting things on track" but week in week out he just continues to upset me. We went on a "family holiday" the first week in Jan with our 2 year old. It was supposed to be a week where we rest, spend time with out daughter and get close once again. The first night I had an early night with daughter and he went out drinking with some single girl we met till 11pm. Next day, I was Ok, he said sorry... until he went out with her that night till 1am. In typical fashion he was devestated the next day, his favourite slogan is "you deserve so much better, I dont deserve you" yet week in week out his behaviour towards me says something totally different. Hes taken out loans behind my back, I found out, he begged for forgiveness and I did... last night we got in an argument and in front of the kids he swore at me and squared up to me, he told me he hated me and said he could kill me. He drunk drove to my dads house and took a suitcase of stuff with him. My dad came over this morning, hes begging to come back, he loves me, he would never hit me etc etc. The thing is, I am starting to think he has no respect for me because I keep forgiving him. I heard a saying a long time ago, "if you act like a doormat, youll be treated like one" and as independent as I am, I think that is what i have reduced myself to. 7 years together, he swears he loves me and cant live without me, yet he continues to treat me like this. I just dont know what to do. In a marriage, am I just supposed to keep forgiving him? He wanted to come back tonight and Ive said no, my 13 year old son is asking where he is

[Haydn]

Sorry but leave this loser. Nothing you have said makes him come across as anything but selfish and you deserve much much better. Yes he thinks you will always take him back. But not this time Sunday girl! Leave him and move on. Keep posting.

[beach]

When offering forgiveness - the behavior is expected to change.

 

Yet he continues to disrespect you = because you've allowed it... By continuing to forgive without him changing.

 

Who goes on a family vacation and goes out on a date 2 nights? A cheater does!

 

Let him rent a place somewhere else until you figure out if he shows LONG term changes!

 

Tell your son you're not rewarding Dads bad behavior anymore and he's staying away until he shows proof he's become a decent human being!

[flightplan]

Ask yourself if this sounds like a healthy relationship? Would a man who adores his wife treat her like this? If you were on the outside looking in, what would you think? You know what the answer is... maybe you're having trouble reconciling what you know you need to do.

[M30USA]

I can relate to you. I am a strong, independent man...but in my ex marriage my wife walked all over me, expected me to walk on eggshells, and eventually even beat the piss out of me. I suppose one could say that I didn't stand up to her, but you wanna know the truth? The only way I could have earned her respect is with a trip out into the back woodshed where she gets a good ass whooping. Those days are gone. I didn't lift a finger against her and, as a result, she knew she had full control over me.

 

Your husband is clearly taking advantage of your forgiveness. He might need a good wakeup call. Some people will not treat you right unless they KNOW that you are willing to give them up and live without them.

Edited January 20, 2014 by M30USA

[Sunday Girl]

Thank you so much for the replies. You are so right, a good friend of mine came round last night and she said "If it was me, what would you be telling me to do?" I feel like hes reaching out for me to end it. If it was one of our friends, he would certainly be advising them to get rid. This is his second marriage and it sounds like the first one ended under similar circumstances. Ive had a good think about it last night and this morning and I think I have to end it for both of our sakes. I just think he cant possibly be happy with me if this is how he treats me. He plans our lives around the football season / sports Tv. I am fortunate that he moved in to my home which I own, I have a good job and great friends and family. They all get on with him very much, no one wants to see it be over, but so many times my friends have come to me (and him) and say he needs to sort himself out. He does for a couple of weeks, but it isnt long before hes back to his old ways. I could put up with it if Im honest, its not that I want to meet anyone else (in fact I hope I dont!) But its not fair on the kids and I do believe he will be happier without me. That hurts, but I have to look at the whole picture. I just didnt want to admit that Id "failed" as this is how it feels. Im dreading seeing him face to face, because when hes so remorseful and sobbing, I feel like I have to help him. He is my husband after all. I wont be doing him any favours to let it carry on though. So glad I found this site. M3 that sounded horrendous with your ex wife. Did she change once you ended it? I think that little voice in the back of my head says what if I end it, then he changes back into the man I loved?

[Haydn]

He wont change is is a control freak. He wants you to accept that he is the best you can do. Dont go this route. You will start convincing yourself that he is right. Been there. Leave him.

 

Thank you so much for the replies. You are so right, a good friend of mine came round last night and she said "If it was me, what would you be telling me to do?" I feel like hes reaching out for me to end it. If it was one of our friends, he would certainly be advising them to get rid. This is his second marriage and it sounds like the first one ended under similar circumstances. Ive had a good think about it last night and this morning and I think I have to end it for both of our sakes. I just think he cant possibly be happy with me if this is how he treats me. He plans our lives around the football season / sports Tv. I am fortunate that he moved in to my home which I own, I have a good job and great friends and family. They all get on with him very much, no one wants to see it be over, but so many times my friends have come to me (and him) and say he needs to sort himself out. He does for a couple of weeks, but it isnt long before hes back to his old ways. I could put up with it if Im honest, its not that I want to meet anyone else (in fact I hope I dont!) But its not fair on the kids and I do believe he will be happier without me. That hurts, but I have to look at the whole picture. I just didnt want to admit that Id "failed" as this is how it feels. Im dreading seeing him face to face, because when hes so remorseful and sobbing, I feel like I have to help him. He is my husband after all. I wont be doing him any favours to let it carry on though. So glad I found this site. M3 that sounded horrendous with your ex wife. Did she change once you ended it? I think that little voice in the back of my head says what if I end it, then he changes back into the man I loved?

[Sunday Girl]

Thanks Haydn, I just need to keep strong. Gonna have to put him out of his misery today, hes been at my dads since Sat night. Sigh. Will post later tonight.

[NYWoman]

Time to put him out with last nights garbage

[SnapCracklePop]

I cant believe Ive joined a forum to ask for help. I guess that means it is real. I never do anything behind my husbands back, I ve always been open and honest, but I cant go on with my marriage. 2014 was supposed to be the year of us "getting things on track" but week in week out he just continues to upset me. We went on a "family holiday" the first week in Jan with our 2 year old. It was supposed to be a week where we rest, spend time with out daughter and get close once again. The first night I had an early night with daughter and he went out drinking with some single girl we met till 11pm. Next day, I was Ok, he said sorry... until he went out with her that night till 1am. In typical fashion he was devestated the next day, his favourite slogan is "you deserve so much better, I dont deserve you" yet week in week out his behaviour towards me says something totally different. Hes taken out loans behind my back, I found out, he begged for forgiveness and I did... last night we got in an argument and in front of the kids he swore at me and squared up to me, he told me he hated me and said he could kill me. He drunk drove to my dads house and took a suitcase of stuff with him. My dad came over this morning, hes begging to come back, he loves me, he would never hit me etc etc. The thing is, I am starting to think he has no respect for me because I keep forgiving him. I heard a saying a long time ago, "if you act like a doormat, youll be treated like one" and as independent as I am, I think that is what i have reduced myself to. 7 years together, he swears he loves me and cant live without me, yet he continues to treat me like this. I just dont know what to do. In a marriage, am I just supposed to keep forgiving him? He wanted to come back tonight and Ive said no, my 13 year old son is asking where he is

 

First of all - welcome to the board Sunday Girl :-)

 

 

It sounds like your H is an alcoholic and he needs help. He has gone drinking with some other woman while you were on vacation... he drove while drunk... and that is a big argument and some big words/actions for your daughter to see. And this is only what you have reported here... I am sure there are more stories that you have not told.

 

You need to remove yourself and your kids from this situation. You do not necessarily need to divorce - at least not right away. Tell him to get some help and only after he is better would you consider going back (this assumes you actually want to work on this relationship). But if he is not able to clean himself up, and likely live a sober life, then you should divorce. Being a dad myself, I hate the advise I am about to give - but given this circumstance I feel it is important that his visits with your kids be supervised as well. His behaviour is just not healthy - for any of you.

 

Not only do you deserve a healthy relationship, but continuing to expose your daughter to this sort of behaviour will likely lead her to become involved with similar men when she is of age to become involved in relationships, and your son will not learn proper behaviour in a relationship. What would you say to your daughter if she was involved in such a marriage? What would you say to your son if he treated a woman the way your H does? I think you know the answer - so if that is what you would tell them, then why would you accept the same for yourself?

 

You should also see an IC as you are going to have to explain to your kids what is going and they might have some difficult questions.

[trippi1432]

Thank you so much for the replies. You are so right, a good friend of mine came round last night and she said "If it was me, what would you be telling me to do?" I feel like hes reaching out for me to end it. If it was one of our friends, he would certainly be advising them to get rid. This is his second marriage and it sounds like the first one ended under similar circumstances. Ive had a good think about it last night and this morning and I think I have to end it for both of our sakes. I just think he cant possibly be happy with me if this is how he treats me. He plans our lives around the football season / sports Tv. I am fortunate that he moved in to my home which I own, I have a good job and great friends and family. They all get on with him very much, no one wants to see it be over, but so many times my friends have come to me (and him) and say he needs to sort himself out. He does for a couple of weeks, but it isnt long before hes back to his old ways. I could put up with it if Im honest, its not that I want to meet anyone else (in fact I hope I dont!) But its not fair on the kids and I do believe he will be happier without me. That hurts, but I have to look at the whole picture. I just didnt want to admit that Id "failed" as this is how it feels. Im dreading seeing him face to face, because when hes so remorseful and sobbing, I feel like I have to help him. He is my husband after all. I wont be doing him any favours to let it carry on though. So glad I found this site. M3 that sounded horrendous with your ex wife. Did she change once you ended it? I think that little voice in the back of my head says what if I end it, then he changes back into the man I loved?

 

Sunday Girl - I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. Several things you have stated are some things I put up with for 15 years and yes, it's like being a doormat. But please know, you have not failed!! HE failed you and the children and it appears this is what he will continue to do.

 

Do they change when you end it? Of course they do, but it's truly an act. Just like his first marriage, you are seeing the pattern. He may move on to someone else and it could be years before you find out, nothing has really changed. People like this don't change, but they do try to put on the appearance as if they have or their new life is better than before. Be careful of that little voice in your head, it's the one that keeps you forgiving him hoping he will change, but not seeing any change at all.

 

Please take heed that he threatened to kill you, while love and hate are closely linked, threats to end your life are not given out of love. Please keep posting and updating.

[Steadfast]

How many times does "I'm sorry" work? IMO, an apology is offered when abnormal behavior is exhibited. A real apology is saying "This behavior isn't me. It isn't who I am or who I want to be. I regret it. Please forgive me."

 

Many, if not most times, people use and manipulate keeping "I'm sorry" in reserve. They aren't sorry; not really. They're sorry your anger is making them feel bad. "I'm sorry. I want to feel better. You have to! You love me."

 

Those who overuse "I'm sorry" truly are. Sorry that is. As in, sorry loser.

[M30USA]

Sundaygirl,

 

You asked if my ex wife changed after the divorce. The answer is no. She is actually the one who filed--when she found out I was considering leaving.

 

Secondly, she still has not apologized to this day for the assault. It was 2 years ago. Obviously she never will and obviously I'm okay with that. I've made peace. She truly believes that it was my fault and that I made her do it. Classic abuser thinking. In addition to this, she and her mother have made 2 false claims to CPS against me. Both were shot down and seen for what they are: lies. In all honesty, my ex made it kind of easy to stay divorced. If she HAD apologized, it would have been a lot harder to go through with, Im sure.

 

I hope your situation turns out ok. Keep us updated.

Edited January 20, 2014 by M30USA

[Sunday Girl]

Thank you so much for this support, everyone of you. Well he came over this morning and I really wasnt ready to see him, I also had my daughter with me. He wanted to "talk" and "sort things out". I just told him I didnt want to do that anymore. I told him that the way he behaves towards me is just getting worse and no amount of forgiving him seems to work. He said "You cant end our marriage because of one stupid fight.." I said its not one stupid fight, its week in week out. I mentioned about him staying out with that girl on holiday and he said "i thought you had put that behind us?" Which made me realise that all the times Ive accepted his apology and forgave him, he thinks nothing more about it and learned nothing from it. I cried and I said "Everytime I go through a break up, I ask myself why Im not good enough? why cant I just make it work? He said "Please dont, I cant bear to see you like this". I said, Im like this most weeks, just not in front of you and the kids. He went through the usual "Ill do anything, you have given me everything I ever wanted....you make me so happy....blah blah blah..." Suprisingly I stood strong. He said please have a few days to think it through, I said I would but they way Im feeling now, my mind is made up and I didnt want to offer him false hope. He was sobbing. He said hes ruined everything and he will never forgive himself. I said I would help him find somewhere else, theres no rush, he can see kids whenever he likes and Ill support him as much as I can, but I just cant continue living like this, and if its the wrong decision, then I would rather live with regret than with him treatng us this way. Hes gone back to stay with his family for a few days. I cant believe Ive done it. Ive gone into "get sorted mode". looking through my finances, considering working an extra day, getting my own phone contract and internet sorted. I feel so bad for him though, hes like a little boy lost, I am lucky to have friends who love me very much, he doesnt have that. I wish I could do something to make it better for him.

[M30USA]

Thank you so much for this support, everyone of you. Well he came over this morning and I really wasnt ready to see him, I also had my daughter with me. He wanted to "talk" and "sort things out". I just told him I didnt want to do that anymore. I told him that the way he behaves towards me is just getting worse and no amount of forgiving him seems to work. He said "You cant end our marriage because of one stupid fight.." I said its not one stupid fight, its week in week out. I mentioned about him staying out with that girl on holiday and he said "i thought you had put that behind us?" Which made me realise that all the times Ive accepted his apology and forgave him, he thinks nothing more about it and learned nothing from it. I cried and I said "Everytime I go through a break up, I ask myself why Im not good enough? why cant I just make it work? He said "Please dont, I cant bear to see you like this". I said, Im like this most weeks, just not in front of you and the kids. He went through the usual "Ill do anything, you have given me everything I ever wanted....you make me so happy....blah blah blah..." Suprisingly I stood strong. He said please have a few days to think it through, I said I would but they way Im feeling now, my mind is made up and I didnt want to offer him false hope. He was sobbing. He said hes ruined everything and he will never forgive himself. I said I would help him find somewhere else, theres no rush, he can see kids whenever he likes and Ill support him as much as I can, but I just cant continue living like this, and if its the wrong decision, then I would rather live with regret than with him treatng us this way. Hes gone back to stay with his family for a few days. I cant believe Ive done it. Ive gone into "get sorted mode". looking through my finances, considering working an extra day, getting my own phone contract and internet sorted. I feel so bad for him though, hes like a little boy lost, I am lucky to have friends who love me very much, he doesnt have that. I wish I could do something to make it better for him.

 

Notice how he's saying: how could YOU do this over one fight? Why don't YOU take some time to think? YOU, YOU, YOU...

[Sunday Girl]

Yes, he does. He says things like "you over react" "you cant do this to the kids". I think because if he was to look at himself he just couldnt bear it. I wish I could show him a film of how he behaves and treats me, I very much doubt he could bear to watch it. I feel bad this is his second marriage. I promised him I would never leave him and promised we could always work through our problems. I was so niaeve. You cant promise people that hey? I do hope he finds what he is looking for, and if he wants football and space to himself and weekends away with the lads, then he can have that. I do believe he deserves happiness, I just wish he could have found it with me

[RightThere]

I wish I could do something to make it better for him.

 

As hard as it is to believe, leaving him is the best thing you can do for him. You will force him to grow up and look at himself. It will allow him to self reflect and try to improve himself.

 

Your instinct is to stay, but doing that will not force him to man up and make the changes he needs to.

 

I'm not saying leaving him will make him better, but it will be his opportunity to become better. Staying will no doubt make him less likely to change.

[Sunday Girl]

Yes I totally agree with you, he needs this to happen. There was a chinese proverb I once read which went something like "to fully appreciate the blue skies you must first endure the grey.." or something like that. I think he needs to go through this as awful as it is for him and to see there are consequences to his actions. For so long now he depends on me to ensure everything is taken care of, whether its finacial, childcare, problems with work, cars, whatever! He calls me and I sort it no questions asked. Yet when I ask for him to do something, there has to be conditions attached, or he has to make it really difficult for me. I dont think he means to, its just the way hes become. I alwyas thought that if you treat people as you wish to be treated, they will.... but that just doesnt seem to be the case. I do hope he comes through this a better person. I do hope Im doing the right thing.

[TheBladeRunner]

Yes, he does. He says things like "you over react" "you cant do this to the kids". I think because if he was to look at himself he just couldnt bear it. I wish I could show him a film of how he behaves and treats me, I very much doubt he could bear to watch it.

 

You said a mouthful in bold.....to look at himself. My XW still can't and probably never will be able to do this. It's rare these days IMO that people have an ability to look inward at their own mistakes.

[M30USA]

You said a mouthful in bold.....to look at himself. My XW still can't and probably never will be able to do this. It's rare these days IMO that people have an ability to look inward at their own mistakes.

 

This is why Jesus was killed. He was a messenger of complete truth who exposed people's real motives. They didnt want to look inward so they instead killed him and kept feeling all good and fuzzy about themselves. The same happens today. People don't change.

Edited January 20, 2014 by M30USA

[beach]

It's interesting. He never admitted his own actions have been extremely hurtful to you. He didn't own his bad behavior. He didn't map out his plan about what he intended to change about himself.

 

Yet he still expected you to forgive and take him back.

 

Your past pattern of forgiving before he admitted his wrong behavior and evidence of changed actions has lead him to the conclusion that this works for him and for you.

 

And now you change the game you've played for years. Good for you! If you don't respect yourself - who will? Certainly not him.

 

And don't set him up and pay his way! He's a grown man! He can work and earn things for himself! Do not reward his bad behavior any more.

 

He will struggle to get himself settled somewhere. So what? He may actually consider what bad behavior got him to that lousy place he's in.

 

Let him have consequences. Then he may actually consider that he should change and start being a decent man.

 

I hope your Dad stops making it easy for him too. It's like your Dad is willing to betray you too.

[Yarrow]

Yeah. Like others have mentioned, notice how he makes it about how you are over-reacting over "one little fight" and not about how he was openly carrying on with another woman. He's taking out loans behind your back. You need the divorce, if only to get your finances separated from his. Do it now!

 

Get rid of the idea that if you were only good enough, he would change his ways, and therefore, if he treats you badly, it's because you've failed as a wife. He's a terrible husband and a sorry excuse for a man and that's all there is too it.

 

Stay strong and hold your course. If you take him back, you know exactly what to expect.

[Sunday Girl]

Well hes started with the promises, how different everything is going to be, how proud he is to "hold my hand"..... half of me really wants to believe it and half of me just thinks he is deluded. He says how much he wants to spend time together, yet its always a bargaining tool "if i stay in with you tonight, am I alright to go X tomorrow?" Its like I have to bribe him for his time! Even when he did spend time with me he spends his time looking miserable and on his phone. what I dont understand is that if I was miserable with someone, and didnt want to spend time with them, and they offered me a guilt free way out, I would jump at the chance, so why isnt he? He says he is going to think before he speaks, well if thats the case...why not do it for the past 7 years? I think Im the one that needs counselling, I have no idea at what point I thought someone treating me like this was OK. I should have put my foot down sooner. I just didnt want to be a "nag" how can he loose two 7 year marriages with the same behaviours? how ridiculous. the man is nearly 40! How refreshing not to come home and have to watch garbage on "HIS" tv...! and my little girl took a wee on her potty and spilled some and we didnt have WW3. I just cleaned it up without a fuss. Feeling better today

[RightThere]

How refreshing not to come home and have to watch garbage on "HIS" tv...! and my little girl took a wee on her potty and spilled some and we didnt have WW3. I just cleaned it up without a fuss. Feeling better today

 

Focus on those positives. I know I feel great when I come home and don't have to sit and watch garbage shows with my STBXW now.

 

And if your husband was causing stress when his daughter had some accidents while potty training, he's really not mature enough to be in an adult relationship with you.

[Sunday Girl]

Thanks, yeah he was always on the kids case. He used to stress out if she was making a mess eating, it never bothered me, easily cleaned and bathed if necasary. Things are so much more calmer without him around, but its early days yet, Im suprised I havnt had more people round persuading me to take him back, thats what usually happens. I was thinking about a trial separation, but looking at whats written, it seems unlikly it will work, and I think hel just think he just has to put up with it for 6 months and we can go back to the way we were.