Monodare1 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Hi guys Need some advice. With everything the ex has done so far, the whole past7 months and now the new boyfriend, I feel a mixture of anger and hate for her just now, yet I know that I need to be amicable for my sons sake to get things done. We are I bathe process of putting our house on the market and having to contact her to get this sorted feels like making a pact with the devil. How do you learn to keep calm and not drag up the death of the relationship and its causes? We have spoken about the divorce and under scots law my grounds against her are irriconceivable differences and adultery, when I mentioned that she said she would say in court that I was lying and that she would say that I tried to hit her during our marriage (which I never did and would never dream of doing), and that she would fight me for every penny if I brought up her boyfriend in court instead of us splitting it down the middle. How do you deal with someone who is so twisted that she would lie on court? How do you be amicable for my sons sake with someone like that? Link to post Share on other sites
yorkie Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 this is so hard and i have found incredibly hard, what ever you do be nice on text and if you have to speak becareful who is around. i hate my ex she wants allsorts yet at this moment in time she is in dublin with her new fella lol she is also wanting to move in with this guy she says she has only recently been dating! so i feel for you i am so angry with her although have a new partner and i dont wish to have my ex back it still hurts! 13 years i was with my ex and had two children, thankfully my children want to live with me and i have been doing a good job. she has selfishly looked after herself and put her new man before her kids in my eyes. try to keep it together with the kids sake so everyone keeps telling me but i understand how hard it is. we broke up on 30th August 2013 and its so difficult to adjust. hey if you want support pm me and i will give you my mobile number and if you have watts app then we can support each other through that if you wish matey! chin up though apparently now i do not hope this but apparently they do come back at some point where we can all tell them to get to feck! all the best buddie its hard but i feel your pain and im not even as far down the line as you! so chin up we will get stronger and we will move on eventually that is what you have to keep thinking! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Couple of things: - Contesting a divorce is costly. Very costly. And if she committed adultery, you can get your solicitor to ask to court to get her to pay your costs (evil laugh). Chances are that she won't contest it. But you've already found her weakness: her reputation. She doesn't want people knowing what she's done. reputation is so important to her that her first thought is to besmirch yours. That is her weakness. You can use that to negotiate the financial stuff etc. - Do you have actual proof of her adultery? If not, you may have to stick to unreasonable grounds, but include her infidelity (anything you can prove) as part of it. Only list things you canprove. Then if she makes any accusations, you can prove that you are not a liar, but that she is (ie her infidelity proves a track record of lying) and then she will have to provide proof of her accusations. - Does her boyfriend have a betrayed spouse that you can contact? They may have proof that you need. As for being civil? Yes, it sucks, but you can stop after the divorce is final...as long as you don't badmouth her etc in front of your children (for their sakes, NOT hers). Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 How do you deal with someone who is so twisted that she would lie on court? You invest in a good lawyer. You get consider people who have known you both and get written statements from them sent to your lawyer (affidavit). Your lawyer will build a case to demonstrate that she is not credible (where are the doctor reports, police reports, etc.) But having said this, there is no reason to bring up adultery in court - unless it is applicable in court rulings where you are.. Adultery is grounds for divorce here in Canada, but has no influence on rulings for support payments or any court decisions related to the divorce other than granting a divorce. You are going to get a divorce. The reason why matters very little to the court. If you bring it up, you will only use court time, which costs $$. Personally, I would suggest spending your money on getting a rock solid separation agreement written up and signed by both of you. How do you be amicable for my sons sake with someone like that? Keep the arguments away from the kids. Keep your opinion of her away from the kids. Be civil as you would be with any stranger on the street. Taking care of the kids is just a matter of business now. I would recommend communicating parenting matters to each other only by email, and only use voice communication for urgent matters. If you express your anger or distaste for your stbx in front of your kids, the only thing you will accomplish is creating a stressful environment for them. Your son still loves you, and still loves her. He will want to please both of you, but will have a hard time getting comfortable with with either of you in the new situation when both of you are angry and arguing with each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 I have a text message from her telling me that during the 5th month of our separation that she has met someone but its early days. Whereas I've stayed single as I preferred to wait until the divorce is final before even considering tentative dating. She only turned nasty when I mentioned the adultery word. As far as I'm aware, if you date (or more) during a separation period, it's still classed as adultery. I'm trying to stay focused and amicable, but the knowledge that while I have out son, she is away spending nights with this new guy, totally sticks in my throat. There has been opportunity for me to engage in extramarital situations, but my need to do the right thing and wait until the marriage is ended was stronger than my need to have random sex Unfortunately, my stbxw obviously had other ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 She also advised that she has applied for legal aid and that she will be doing the filing for divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Believe me. I'm going through the same thing myself. And it's easy for me to say it, but I don't always live it. But you've just got to not let yourself worry about her and what she does. Read the 180 approach again. I was doing most of it, but realized I was being cold to my STBXW. Not that she doesn't deserve it, but it was not helping the situation. So I'm back to just focusing on positive things and even in the depth of pending rage, I try to find something good about it. It's hard and a few days ago I was ready to do something I'm sure I would get the chair for. But I worked on letting go of focusing on the negative and just think about the positive. Whatever she wants to do, let her do it, Your son is not in immediate danger. His life is not threatened. The situation is not ideal, but he'll be OK as long as you are positive when you are with him. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Most states have no fault divorce. It doesn't matter why the marriage is over, just that it is. Fighting about who caused it just makes lawyers rich. Abuse will impact custody so think about what fights you want to undertake. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 All adulterers turn nasty when you mention the adultery word, it's called denial. But, honestly, when they have made up in their mind that the marriage is over (months or even years before they tell you it is), they don't really see it as adultery. Per most adulterers, they have been victimized in staying in a marriage for all the wrong reasons, for the kids and have been denied their ultimate happiness. The anger we feel is that, for most cases, you feel that way too, just your moral compass is not set on acting on infidelity. My exH was moving in with another woman within 2 weeks....and he still abides to the fact that he never cheated. He just went jogging one day while we were reconciling, tripped and his d*ck fell into her Vah-JJ. :lmao: I joke about it now, but it wasn't so funny four years ago. But when you can finally take the emotional out of it and see it for what it is, you can start to let go of some of the anger. It just depends on how long your adulterer wants to keep punishing you because they still don't know how to be happy within. Link to post Share on other sites
dienstag Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I would agree here with advice from "Being me" - find here weakness and play on it. You can also put things in the hands of a good lawyer but that would be costly. Think - you know this person and her weaknesses - is it vanity? What her friends think about her? What her parents think? How about if they knew the truth? Just play it like a card game- sometimes you have a bad hand but you can still win the game if you play smart. Once you feel you play the game and you have a chance of winning it will be easier to be normal around your kid and talk about his mother in a normal tone saying general friendly things I also had financial blackmail from my ex but a friend of mine advised me to do excatly that. Turned out my stbx doesnt want THE reputation in his home town so we quickly found a solution WITHOUT extra costs. Get a cool head on if you want to win here Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 Trouble is, I don't have the finances for a lengthy and costly legal battle. Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Trouble is, I don't have the finances for a lengthy and costly legal battle. Then just get a good lawyer to do the separation agreement and protect your interests. Separation and Divorce does not have to endure a costly court battle... but there are some legal costs to do it right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Trouble is, I don't have the finances for a lengthy and costly legal battle. Then get your L to ask for her to pay costs. You can do that in the UK..in England at least, I'm presuming Scotland is thesame? BTW technically adultery is penis in vagina sex. Very difficult to prove unless they've admitted it in writing or you have pictures You may have to just go for unreasonable behaviour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 First the relationship that you thought that you had is dead, mourn the loss. However, being vindictive is usually costly financially and rarely gives you the satisfaction that you seek in the long run. Compartmentalizing your life into bite sized pieces makes it easier to swallow. Selling the house is a business transaction you and your business partner own a piece of property that you want to sell. You both want to get the most out of your investment and split the proceeds equitably. Keep all conversations about the house concentrated on achieving that objective. The fact of who did or what to who is irrelevant to selling the house. Divorce is the legal separation of the relationship. Their is a financial aspect and and custody issues to be resolved. The court really doesn't care one way or the other, neither does most of the world. The question you have to ask yourself is how does the adultery complaint help you legally? Part of the answer to this question depends on the laws of your jurisdiction. Sometimes it gives you a better financial split or custody, most of the time it does not. Most of the time the adultery issue is a problem between you and your stbxw. It is completely understandable that you are angry, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face. If you have limited resources, it usually behooves you to get the best deal that you can. Make the conversations as business like as possible. Remember she is not your buddy, friend or pal, she is your child's mother and should be treated with respect for their sake not hers. If you truly want to get back at her......then go live a great life without her. Exercise is a good way to help relieve the stress and makes for a healthier you. Engage in hobbies and activities that make you a more interesting person and makes life fun. Other activities to consider is volunteer work, become more well read, take a class, do things that make a more interesting you. You are divesting yourself of things that has caused a great pain in your life. Fill that void with better things. The more fun and interesting you are, the more others want to be around you. This is not the end of the world, but just a new chapter. Make sure that you make the time with your child count, filled with fun and laughter. Get through the divorce the best you can and concentrate your time and efforts on you and your child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kasei Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Just found myself in a very similar situation to yourself at the end of last year when my wife of 5 years revealed she'd been having an affair and was leaving me and our son to go be with him. There's one thing to keep reminding yourself, and that is the fact that she no longer has the right to dictate the terms of any contact you have, that's up to you, you decide when you talk and even what you talk about, and when all the legal stuff has to happen. As far as her being with someone else goes, just take the attitude that whatever she does now is no business of yours, and what you do now is no business of hers, and remind her of that fact every time she asks how you are or what your doing. Civility and indifference is probably the best thing Being from the same geographical area as yourself I've also been looking the divorce process in Scotland, and spoken to my boss who was also recently divorced and his advice was to wait, initially I was angry and wanted to start proceedings straight away, but he recommended against that, as it would be too costly a process, and also the burden would be on me to provide proof to the court of my wife's adultery, he recommended that I do what he did, wait until a year after separation and as long as she agrees to the divorce being separated for a year is good grounds as far as a sheriff will be concerned, and it costs a lot less money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 We will be separated a year this coming June. Link to post Share on other sites
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