Monodare1 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Hi guys If you have read my previous posts you will have read that I have been replaced after only 5 months of separation. Although I was sad but accepting that the wife and I had split, I wasn't prepared for how quickly and easily I've been replaced by the stbxw and I have to admit that my confidence is in pieces. I've been out with friends but find it difficult now to speak to women. I'm not seeking to get into a relationship, far too much to deal with, that said, I'm very keen to rebuild my confidence and myself after such a difficult few months. Does anyone who had been in the same situation have any tips? As said, I'm not looking to get involved with someone (unlike the ex) but a bit of chat and flirting might be a tonic to me as I do feel really unconfident at the moment, despite hammering the gym etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 In your shoes, I would ask myself this: "What was so wonderful about that relationship, that it was the underpinning of my confidence? Why was I not confident under my own steam? Why was it an outside influence that gave me confidence, instead of my having developed it for myself? Why would I feel less confident now that I am a unique individual, in my own right, unattached and liberated, than I did before, when I was one of a pair, and restrained from sailing my own ship wherever I wanted?" Answers on a postcard please...... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Join the club. I find myself much more self conscious. I have been in a couple of situations talking to the opposite sex, and found myself very paralyzed at points during the conversation. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I (and maybe you) just need some alone time to figure things out. And what I'm hoping is that when I'm with someone who could be right, I'll just feel more comfortable talking to them. The few times I've been paralyzed, it was with someone I would classify more as a "bar star". So I don't put too much stock into it mostly because although it's good to get the exercise talking to the opposite sex, these are people I normally would never have anything to say to anyways. I think it will just come with time. I'm in a yoga class that when I first started going, I was totally freaked out every session. Now I'm much more comfortable. I don't try to hit on any chicks while I'm there, but I just try to smile and be nice. Otherwise I really have nothing. I'm probably in the same boat as you and we just need to realize we are probably better "catches" than we have ever been. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Hi guys If you have read my previous posts you will have read that I have been replaced after only 5 months of separation. Although I was sad but accepting that the wife and I had split, I wasn't prepared for how quickly and easily I've been replaced by the stbxw and I have to admit that my confidence is in pieces. I've been out with friends but find it difficult now to speak to women. I'm not seeking to get into a relationship, far too much to deal with, that said, I'm very keen to rebuild my confidence and myself after such a difficult few months. Does anyone who had been in the same situation have any tips? As said, I'm not looking to get involved with someone (unlike the ex) but a bit of chat and flirting might be a tonic to me as I do feel really unconfident at the moment, despite hammering the gym etc. All I know is there's a lid for every pot. Somehow, some way, everybody is able to find someone. Even those who are permanantly disabled, those who are poor, and those who are terrible people. Heck, even Hitler had a wife. I'd say just find peace on your own terms, enjoy your hobbies, try reasonably to advance your career, take care of your health...and if you hope to find another woman I'm sure it will happen. As for your wife getting taken so early, that's honestly not a reflection of you as it is her and this other man. I've seen terrible people get snatched up quick, while great human beings are alone for years and years. You're okay. Just keep bettering yourself. That's the only thing you can control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Before I met the ex I was a confident, out going guy, up for a laugh, always the first to make a move, loved karaoke. My stbxw on the other hand was not comfortable with her body, would criticise my confidence, disliked karaoke, if I danced suggestively with her she would shy away and tell me to dance normally. After 5 years of being with her, I'm finding it hard to rediscover the person I was. How do you get back to your old self? In hindsight, I realise that we were not a great match, in fact I had more I. Common with my previous fiancé. That ship sailed long ago. Met the wife through Internet dating. Despite the matching process, proof that they are not all they are cracked up to be. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 You ditch who you are not.... Go to a shoe shop, and try on a pair of shoes one size too small.... Are you going to persist in wearing them for the next 5 years, or get a better pair which suit you and are comfortable? Relax. be yourself. nobody else is better qualified........ 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Before I met the ex I was a confident, out going guy, up for a laugh, always the first to make a move, loved karaoke. My stbxw on the other hand was not comfortable with her body, would criticise my confidence, disliked karaoke, if I danced suggestively with her she would shy away and tell me to dance normally. After 5 years of being with her, I'm finding it hard to rediscover the person I was. How do you get back to your old self? In hindsight, I realise that we were not a great match, in fact I had more I. Common with my previous fiancé. That ship sailed long ago. Met the wife through Internet dating. Despite the matching process, proof that they are not all they are cracked up to be. Mono, what I am learning is that you can't. You find out who you are NOW and whats comfortable to you NOW and what you want for you as a person NOW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Mono, what I am learning is that you can't. You find out who you are NOW and whats comfortable to you NOW and what you want for you as a person NOW. Nice one MA! I looked for something to "fill the lack of confidence void" in the beginning and it did not bode well for me. I figured dating would build me back up, it did not......only "I" can do that for myself, nobody outside of myself can do it for me. OP, I get it though. My XW dumped me for a complete loser in societies terms and it is a severe blow to the old ego. In time I hope you too can realize that it is THEM that are broken, not you. My XW is a train-wreck IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Does anyone who had been in the same situation have any tips? Confidence is within a person's own psyche, so the rebuilding is within. Validation is nice but long-term confidence comes from following your own path of success. Do what you do and focus on your path and your life. What I did was further friendships which had been nourishing to me during times of stress and need, focus on my personal strengths which had existed long before being married, and accept 'the end' as just that, the end of one chapter of life. It died, I grieved and moved on. Easy? No! Happen in a day? No! It's a process. What I do is use a tool I learned in MC, that being focusing on each day, achieving one success for that day and giving thanks that I had another day to succeed. Your 'tool' may be different. Find what works for you and use it. You'll make it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
julzfromsa Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 guys, can i recommend a book Neil Strauss - The game. Ok, so the book may be a bit controversial, its about Pick up artists, but for me, it was an exceptional way to get some insight into how to get some self confidence back. Please give it a try, its a good book, beautiful written regardless of its rather sexist nature. These guys have self confidence spewing out their eyeballs. Its self taught. It helped me... Give it a try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 But how about for women? This is the one on Strauss http://www.conspirazzi.com/e-books/game-strauss.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Mono, what I am learning is that you can't. You find out who you are NOW and whats comfortable to you NOW and what you want for you as a person NOW. Yes ^^^^^^^^^^ No-one is the same person they were 5 years ago. You are wiser, more experienced and have more wisdom now. You just need to heal up from this to get your fun back. Link to post Share on other sites
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