How long to wait to start dating after separation

[Johnson1]

My wife and I had been together for a little over 3 decades, 27 of those were married years. After spending the last 10 years in misery I finally worked up the courage to end it. We had become polar opposites in every way imagineable and there was no love or respect left. Her and our son who is 21 got an apt together along with our 23 year old daughter and her husband, all of whom hate me now because I wanted this. So now I'm alone in this house with nothing left but my thoughts. Its been tough dealing with the loneliness, but I take it day by day. Some days are better than others.

 

What I'd like to know is, how long should I wait to start dating? I know about all the clichés about how you should 'find yourself' first, and I agree with that, but how do you know when you've found yourself enough to seek other companionship? I think going on a date after all these decades (and a horrible, practically non-existant sex life over the last 3 years) would give me my self confidence back and help me get over the 'loneliness' hurdle.

 

My wife still hasnt told any of her family about whats been going on and we still communicate via text because we own à home together and I'm trying to stay amicable with her so she pays her half of our mortgage and home equity loan. I'm pretty sure she hasnt told her family because she's waiting for this whole thing to blow over and I come crawling back after a few months, but thats not going to happen.

 

I know dating would probably tick her off and make her less agreeable (and make my kids hate me even more), but how long should I wait and suffer in isolation? Especially since half the reason I left in the first place was to get back to having a normal, intimate relationship.

 

What do you think?

Edited January 11, 2014 by Vocals5

[M30USA]

Not until you're divorced. Are you divorced?

[Aquanut]

Depends on jurisdiction. In some places a divorce can take more than a year. I'd recommend that all the financial stuff and child custody - if any - be resolved before starting to date. Not only could it inflame your ex, it isn't fair to you or your dates because you will be greatly distracted by the legal stuff.

 

A general rule of thumb: if you are the dumper you will probably need at least 6 months to get your life back in enough semblance of order to consider cadual dating. If you were dumped it may take longer.

 

Instead of dating, to avoid isolation, cultivate friendships especially with other divorced people. A divorce support group would be extremely beneficial.

[Johnson1]

Not until you're divorced. Are you divorced?

 

No, not yet. We've been separated a month. Why wait until I'm divorced? I see people all the time who put themselves out there while separated?

[Johnson1]

Depends on jurisdiction. In some places a divorce can take more than a year. I'd recommend that all the financial stuff and child custody - if any - be resolved before starting to date. Not only could it inflame your ex, it isn't fair to you or your dates because you will be greatly distracted by the legal stuff.

 

A general rule of thumb: if you are the dumper you will probably need at least 6 months to get your life back in enough semblance of order to consider cadual dating. If you were dumped it may take longer.

 

Instead of dating, to avoid isolation, cultivate friendships especially with other divorced people. A divorce support group would be extremely beneficial.

 

She's not the type to go to the mat with lawyers. She's afraid of legal stuff. It stressés her out. She's still very naive for someone who's 48. Besides, she knows if she doesnt pay her half of the mortgage and it gets foreclosed on she'll only be screwing herself because no profit will be made so she could pay off her credit card debt, plus she doesnt want à foreclosure on her credit either.

 

I could file for divorce now, but that would also tick her off because I think she's expecting me to come crawling back her once I see how tough it is on my own, which I don't plan on doing come hell or high water.

Edited January 11, 2014 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

All I know is I'm lonely, horny and not getting any younger. LOL

I havent gone this long without sex since I was 15. Its rough.

[M30USA]

All I know is I'm lonely, horny and not getting any younger. LOL

I havent gone this long without sex since I was 15. Its rough.

 

Everybody's gonna do what they're gonna do.

[Aquanut]

You think filing for divorce will set her off but hooking up with another woman won't. I don't know your STBX but I do know enough about women to say you are probably wrong.

 

Where I live you have to be separated a year and a day before you can even file for divorce. Because of that dating while separated is very common. I've seen many cases of things being amicable until another woman or man enters the picture.

 

Do yourself and your dates a favor and get your **** together before you start dating. Your divorce doesn't have to be final but your new life as a single person needs to be stable before you bring someone else into it.

[Johnson1]

Everybody's gonna do what they're gonna do.

 

Eh, not necessarily. Its tough dating after being out of the loop for so long. I mean, I just want to spend some time in the presence of another woman just to know that I still have it in me to be with someone else. I need to know. The sooner the better, preferably for my own mental health.

[Johnson1]

You think filing for divorce will set her off but hooking up with another woman won't. I don't know your STBX but I do know enough about women to say you are probably wrong.

 

Where I live you have to be separated a year and a day before you can even file for divorce. Because of that dating while separated is very common. I've seen many cases of things being amicable until another woman or man enters the picture.

 

Do yourself and your dates a favor and get your **** together before you start dating. Your divorce doesn't have to be final but your new life as a single person needs to be stable before you bring someone else into it.

 

Okay. I'll consider that.

 

Thanks.

[M30USA]

Eh, not necessarily. Its tough dating after being out of the loop for so long. I mean, I just want to spend some time in the presence of another woman just to know that I still have it in me to be with someone else. I need to know. The sooner the better, preferably for my own mental health.

 

You should do some self reflection. Why is it important to know it's "still in you" to be with another woman? It sounds like you might rely on women for validation. Secondly, when you say "still in you", do your mean sexually? That's silly. Unless you're impotent, every man does.

 

Sounds like you need some alone time for self reflection. Start a new hobby or begin some new endeavor. Pull a Forrest Gump and start running.

Edited January 11, 2014 by M30USA

[Yarrow]

So now I'm alone in this house with nothing left but my thoughts. Its been tough dealing with the loneliness, but I take it day by day. Some days are better than others.

...

I know dating would probably tick her off and make her less agreeable (and make my kids hate me even more), but how long should I wait and suffer in isolation? Especially since half the reason I left in the first place was to get back to having a normal, intimate relationship.

 

What do you think?

 

So...what's wrong with going out with your buddies? Or taking an art/pottery/cooking/dance class? That's still socializing, which is important. And it's going to mess you up a lot less than dating 1 month into a separation. No one is going to want to date you at this stage anyways. Not unless she's crazy anyway, because she knows it's too soon even if you don't. Never mind finalizing the divorce, you haven't even filed yet.

[trippi1432]

I guess it's best to start at the beginning, like why you decided to end your marriage so you can address why your whole family is upset. I read your threads on the Dating forum...dating is hard isn't it?

 

I think this could make for some interesting reading for you...up to you. What Is A Midlife Crisis?

 

But I will say, the life you have been living for the past couple of months...do you really find them better than the last 25 years?

[Johnson1]

You should do some self reflection. Why is it important to know it's "still in you" to be with another woman? It sounds like you might rely on women for validation. Secondly, when you say "still in you", do your mean sexually? That's silly. Unless you're impotent, every man does.

 

Sounds like you need some alone time for self reflection. Start a new hobby or begin some new endeavor. Pull a Forrest Gump and start running.

 

Sure, I'd probably have a coronary half way down the block. lol.....jk

 

The problem is NOT dating for such a long time has put me in a weird place when it comes to the thought of even being with someone else. I need to get past that in order to move forward. I feel like going on a date would shatter my domesticated self and allow the single, self confident person inside to re-emerge. It's not a matter of validation. I can get on fine by myself. It's tough to explain. Marriage has pretty much annihilated my self confidence. My ex did a great job at making me feel like no one else on the planet would put up with me. In my mind I have to prove to myself that she's wrong. Even if it means going out on a date for one night and holding another woman without sex happening. I'd say it's more of an issue of acceptance rather than validation. I don't have to be with someone. I just have to know that I can.

 

It's tough for some people to understand who haven't been with the same person for 30 years. I don't expect many people to understand.

Edited January 12, 2014 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

I guess it's best to start at the beginning, like why you decided to end your marriage so you can address why your whole family is upset. I read your threads on the Dating forum...dating is hard isn't it?

 

I think this could make for some interesting reading for you...up to you. What Is A Midlife Crisis?

 

But I will say, the life you have been living for the past couple of months...do you really find them better than the last 25 years?

 

It isn't a midlife crisis. It's BS that I got tired of putting up with. Anyone in their right mind would.

 

I can't go into a novel explaining how it's justified, just know that it was. The only reason my wife didn't leave it because she's insecure, not because she loved me. She just needed me to fix her car and pay the mortgage on this house (which is falling apart and impossible for me to keep up with because our lazy 21 year old son who keeps his room a refuse filled disgusting mess and doesn't pay rent won't help, and she's fine with it). Unfortunately our kids are still too naive to understand what's going on, or refuse to. The problem was that I was the parent and practiced tough love, which they couldn't understand, while my wife never said NO to them in order to become their best pal. Figure it out.

 

Have the last couple of months been better? You're darn right they have. If you experienced what I've put up with over the last 10 years you'd see why. My whole entire family on my side sees the games she plays and what a headcase she's become with religion. My sister (who use to be friends with her) hid my wife from her FB page because of all the Jesus references. She just got sick of seeing it. Believe me, my family is on my side 150%. You don't know the half of it.

Edited January 12, 2014 by Vocals5

[deathandtaxes]

OP - you're on a path to hurt some women. You just want to get out there and prove to yourself that you still have what it takes to be a man. You just want somebody to have sex with and alleviate your loneliness. Being lonely is understandable, but you're not in a good place to genuinely offer yourself to any woman. You're trying to fill a need with a solution that is only going to hurt the woman.

 

 

If you can find somebody that just wants what you want, to just hook up and prove to themselves the same you want to prove to yourself, then ok. But you have to be forthright.

 

 

You may think you're ready. But you're not. I thought I would try dating after exiting a 14 year relationship. How foolish of me. I had dates, and I'm pretty sure I hurt some women in the process, because deep down I was looking for what you were looking for. I wanted to prove that I could get out there and meet women and be successful. That was a year and four months. Now, I think I may finally be ready to find somebody serious.

 

 

Don't neglect yourself in the process.

[CarrieT]

All I know is I'm lonely, horny and not getting any younger. LOL

I havent gone this long without sex since I was 15. Its rough.

 

You don't want to date. You want a willing sex partner.

 

Dating is getting to know someone for the potential purposes of establishing a long-term relationship. You aren't ready for that but you want a casual thing to get your rocks off.

 

That's okay - go out and do it. You might do well just hiring an escort off the bat until you start getting your footing again.

 

I don't mean this to sound snarky, either. I am deadly serious. But I wouldn't put yourself out there as dating material because you aren't yet.

[trippi1432]

It isn't a midlife crisis. It's BS that I got tired of putting up with. Anyone in their right mind would.

 

I can't go into a novel explaining how it's justified, just know that it was.

 

So, you have your reasons, that you have validated/justified. You made a choice to leave because nothing would change in the marriage to how you felt it should be. Understandable....half of us are here because A) we left because we couldn't stand to see things not being how we needed them to be or B) were left by someone who couldn't stand things not being how they wanted them to be.

 

(oh, and there is C - Cheated or were cheated on...but most of the time, A and B happen in the process of C....I do give you kudos that you haven't talked about cheating on your wife in your posts yet...none that I could find anyhow.) Again, perhaps not a novel is needed, but those who are trying to find validation tend to just drip the facts in trickles here and there...so again, perhaps it's best to start at the beginning because your anger and frustration are so "in your face" that it appears this is who you probably have been for 27 years.....hard to be a family in that dynamic.

 

 

The only reason my wife didn't leave it because she's insecure, not because she loved me. She just needed me to fix her car and pay the mortgage on this house (which is falling apart and impossible for me to keep up with because our lazy 21 year old son who keeps his room a refuse filled disgusting mess and doesn't pay rent won't help, and she's fine with it). Unfortunately our kids are still too naive to understand what's going on, or refuse to. The problem was that I was the parent and practiced tough love, which they couldn't understand, while my wife never said NO to them in order to become their best pal. Figure it out.

 

I believe I saw a post somewhere that you referred to your wife changing from a "hot and sexy rock n roller to an overweight, insecure, overly religious" person. A lot of resentment in there.

 

So, none of these items are present in your current mindset?

 

• Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
  
• Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
  
• Feeling a need for adventure and change.
  
• Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
  
• Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
  
• Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down.
  
• Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
  
• Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
  
• A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship.
  

 

Have the last couple of months been better? You're darn right they have. If you experienced what I've put up with over the last 10 years you'd see why. My whole entire family on my side sees the games she plays and what a headcase she's become with religion. My sister (who use to be friends with her) hid my wife from her FB page because of all the Jesus references. She just got sick of seeing it. Believe me, my family is on my side 150%. You don't know the half of it.

 

You said you and your wife were married for 27 years.....why have you only put up with a lot over the past 10? What happened in the first 17?

 

Just a note on the child-rearing, it sounds like neither of you knew how to parent TOGETHER effectively....my exH and I did the same. But that 21 year old son who sits in his own refuse and doesn't do anything to be a productive member of society wasn't raised by her alone, so blame where you want, but that one is on BOTH of you equally.

 

Dating....no, you aren't ready to date. Any woman in her right mind wouldn't go near you with the monkey you are carrying on your back.

[health]

Vocal - It looks like you're looking for an easy quick answer to a very complicated situation. Be careful cause things could get more inflamed. If you're making decisions based on you being horny and lonely, that's not a good look. I hope you think on this clearly and make the right decisions.

[SnapCracklePop]

I'd say very casual dating is ok.. and by that I mean going out, but not with the intent of establishing a meaningful relationship. You are going to go through some turmoil, and many people will not want to be serious with someone who has unfinished business.

 

But yeah.. go have some fun, and just don't broadcast it to everyone you know.

[Saxonhook]

Hi this is great information for me as well, I am struggling to come to terms with a seperation after 9 yrs together and 2 children.

I'm also struggling to come to terms with the fact that she was the one who decided to end the relationship and at that time I asked if there was someone else and she had said no she just doesnt want anyone in her life and doesnt need a man.

Well now we're forward 6 weeks and there is now already another man she is now with, surely someone cant get over a 9 yr relationship with 2 children and plans to marry in the sept of 2014 that quickly.

My thoughts were this must've been going on previously.

 

Thanks for any advice given

[oldshirt]

Here's the way I see it -

 

- you and your wife are mature full grown adults, you each know the other is miserable and that there is no chance for happiness, your children are adults.

 

- you've been miserable for 10 years.

 

- you've been celibate for 3 years.

 

- She doesn't want a sexlife with you so she has no grounds to demand sexual exclusivity from you.

 

-she's not having sex with you so you will not expose her to STDs.

 

- you have no aspirations of reconciliation.

 

- you aren't trying to hurt her or make the separation/divorce difficult for her.

 

- your kids are being pricks.

 

- you have given her no illusions of reconciliation or future happiness together.

 

- most of the other posters are conditioned to try to keep marriages together without regard to how healthy or unhealthy the marriage is.

 

- you, your wife and your kids all realize the marriage has been over for years. The final divorce decrie is just the courthouse getting caught up.

 

 

Add all that up and I say start living the rest of your life today and don't care what anyone else thinks of it.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I'm also struggling to come to terms with the fact that she was the one who decided to end the relationship and at that time I asked if there was someone else and she had said no she just doesnt want anyone in her life and doesnt need a man.

Well now we're forward 6 weeks and there is now already another man she is now with, surely someone cant get over a 9 yr relationship with 2 children and plans to marry in the sept of 2014 that quickly.

 

 

My thoughts were this must've been going on previously.

 

Thanks for any advice given

 

Definately possible that it was going on previously but not necessarily.

 

She may have checked out of the marriage and just marking time for years biding her time till someone gave her the wink-wink and then she was off to the races.

 

I personally know a gal (who is a very decent person and one that you would expect to do this) who left her husband (who was also a decent guy) citing ILYBNILWY and within literally weeks of leaving started chatting with an old school mate on Facebook and was traveling across the country to see him. They were engaged in weeks and she was packing up to move to be with him untill he finally came to his senses and called it off.

 

They had had no prior affair.

 

It's dumb, but it happens.

[Johnson1]

Okay. I accept all that. Good posts by everyone. Yes, I know I have a lot of baggage at this point, and I wouldn't unload it on an unsuspecting date. I'd have to be nuts to do so. She'd walk right out and I wouldn't blame her.

 

I'm not looking for a long term relationship. As some have mentioned, I'm just looking for someone to have a little fun with ;-) to regain some of my confidence back. I believe doing so will help put my head in the right place and feel a little happiness, so when I do meet the person I want to have a relationship with I'll no longer have the baggage.

 

I am lonely though. It is hard some days, other days I'm bouncing off the walls, but thats from thinking about the excitement of being able to date again. I've never lived on my own. Neither has my ex who has our kids living with her now.

 

I'm putting myself through this to find my own inner strength and so all of us can grow as individuals instead of being stuck in this void. They can't see it yet, but everyone will be happier in the long run. Living in a house where there's unhappiness and biquering has gone on for too long and I needed to be the mature one and put an end to it for all our mental sakes.

 

Thanks everyone.

Edited January 17, 2014 by Vocals5
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[SnapCracklePop]

Okay. I accept all that. Good posts by everyone. Yes, I know I have a lot of baggage at this point, and I wouldn't unload it on an unsuspecting date. I'd have to be nuts to do so. She'd walk right out and I wouldn't blame her.

 

I'm not looking for a long term relationship. As some have mentioned, I'm just looking for someone to have a little fun with ;-) to regain some of my confidence back. I believe doing so will help put my head in the right place and feel a little happiness, so when I do meet the person I want to have a relationship with I'll no longer have the baggage.

 

I am lonely though. It is hard some days, other days I'm bouncing off the walls, but thats from thinking about the excitement of being able to date again. I've never lived on my own. Neither has my ex who has our kids living with her now.

 

I'm putting myself through this to find my own inner strength and so all of us can grow as individuals instead of being stuck in this void. They can't see it yet, but everyone will be happier in the long run. Living in a house where there's unhappiness and biquering has gone on for too long and I needed to be the mature one and put an end to it for all our mental sakes.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

 

Your kids should spend some time with you at your place too. I know your kids are all adults, but they also need to know that you are doing ok.