LadyLee Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Hi Ladies and Gents, I was wondering if anyone cared to share their custody court experiences? I am TERRIFIED as my kids are the most important people in my life. A little back ground: My ex and I have been separated since Nov 2011. We were divorced since May 2012. During our 15 year marriage My ExH cheated multiple times, got another woman preg after he already had kids before we met. He played sports for the military so he was gone all of the time leaving me with our four children. Fast forward, it takes a lot but I get sick of it and no MC didn't help. Once I decided that I had had enough I filed. I really worried about the effect on the kids, I made excuses for his behavior because we had been together since we were 19! Everyone has to experience growing pains right? pffft. So once we separated my ex began telling anyone who would listen that I was the cheater etc.He slandered me at work and yes my work was affected by this. I didn't get to remain on a prestiges job. So I requested a transfer- and he followed! More of the same. He stalked my home so that I had to get a no stalking order. Meanwhile we had agreed to week on week off parenting. This was a failure. Once he started bringing women around, the two older kids started falling out with him and refusing to go over to his house. The two younger ones are starting not to want to go. I've made the kids go but they are miserable and call crying. He hasn't taken any of the four kids to the doctor or the dentist, it's always my responsibility. He's refused to take the kids to appts even if the only availability is during his week! He doesn't co-parent at all. I can't talk to him about anything. Our main mode is text and he doesn't always respond. If you are still reading, I appreciate it. Can I use any of this in court? I don't want to mud sling, I just want the kids to have a stable house hold. (sigh) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Custody decisions are about what is in the best interests of the children. The fact that one parent is dating is not usually relevant unless the new person is a provable bad influence. You are practically going to have to show convictions for child endangerment to make that fly. Refusing to provide adequate medical care is relevant & the court should know this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zoobadger Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 That sounds awful. I don't have any advice, but my heart really goes out to you. My kids bounce back and forth happily between my apartment and their mom's townhouse. I date, but am very circumspect about introducing women to the kids and haven't dated anybody I thought was enough of a keeper. Not sure if she's dating, but I think she'd be equally cautious. So it doesn't have to be like this. I don't understand why people are so cruel, stupid, selfish and messed up? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Usually the courts will assign a mediator to decide based on what the OP stated, what is the best arrangement for the children. Behaviors of the parents and the childs upbringing will be visited upon. Primary custody leans towards the female in most cases ...for reasons I wont go into. Allow the courts to hear the facts on his parenting skills or lack there of. What he does as an adult in his private life is not the other parents business. Only how it affacts the upbringing of the children. Yes you can ask the courts to limit who has contact when in his care. The Primary decisions will be medical care, schooling, visitations,residency, and co-parenting agreements...if you wish to allow that. Sounds like you do care about your children....keep them at the top of the list of importance.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Custody court is full of deception, fabrications, and false accusations which--they believe--are justified because its in the "best interest of the children". Just prepare yourself. Fortunately, as a woman, unless you are a convicted high level criminal, hardcore drug addict, or don't want your children, statistics say that you have a 90% chance of gettung a favorable primary custody ruling. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Custody court is full of deception, fabrications, and false accusations which--they believe--are justified because its in the "best interest of the children". Just prepare yourself. Fortunately, as a woman, unless you are a convicted high level criminal, hardcore drug addict, or don't want your children, statistics say that you have a 90% chance of gettung a favorable primary custody ruling. Really? What statistics? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 If you are still reading, I appreciate it. Can I use any of this in court? I don't want to mud sling, I just want the kids to have a stable house hold. (sigh) Since the mid-70's and 'best interests of the child doctrine', issues which affect the health and safety of the children, in addition to whom has been their primary caretaker, have gained precedence over gender as judges decide such cases parent by parent and child by child and case by case. IMO, your questions are better posed to a competent attorney in your jurisdiction, as jurisdictions can vary markedly in procedure and statute. On the face of it, the children's best interest may be better served by you as the primary custodial parent, but we don't know you and don't know him and are only hearing your side. The judge will hear both sides and have a lot of neutral data in front of them to rule on. On a positive note, be glad you weren't dealing with this 200 years ago. Your exH would have gotten the children and you would have been terminated as any meaningful sort of parent in the then very paternal society which existed pre-industrial revolution. A lot has changed, for the better IMO, in the decades since, though they still struggle with the gender neutral thing. I hope you and exH can settle this without a judge summarily issuing orders. Nothing sucks worse than someone in a robe ordering you to do something you despise under penalty of law. Go that country mile to settle. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Really? What statistics? Look up the percent of divorces nationwide where mothers get primary custody. I'm sure you're smart and can find it. And those numbers INCLUDE the said unfit mother. So if she's a fit mother, her chances are even higher. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLee Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 Thank you guys so much for your responses. Yes, we have already exhausted mediation but his main concern is child support. I have a sinking feeling that if I said that he only had to pay minimal cs that he would let me have the kiddos. But I just can't afford to raise four kids on my salary. I really hope that the judge see's it my way. I would never keep them from him and even encourage open lines of communication but he just doesn't hold up his end. Either way, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
yorkie Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 wow! I am the bloke from my past relationship and my ex left me, she went back home to her parents house and she has met a new guy who she is planning to move in with. my two children stayed here with me because it is my house and we are keeping things stable for the kids. but as soon as she moves in with the new guy she wants 50/50 custody and I don't I want it how it is now. she has the kids every other weekend but she does help out with the school run. I have been told 50/50 custody does not work especially if the parents don't get on which we don't. I have ever stopped my ex from seeing my kids and do hope she has a good relationship with my kids but I want them living with me in there family home. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Look up the percent of divorces nationwide where mothers get primary custody. I'm sure you're smart and can find it. And those numbers INCLUDE the said unfit mother. So if she's a fit mother, her chances are even higher. You are correct, Most USA states still side with the maternal. Men on average are awarded 15% of the time on primary custody. Single Mothers ( never married), are awarded 60% of the time on primary custody. Joint Custody is the teeter tooter on stats as more states are seeing that Co-Parenting has its economical advantages. Still females are more apt to be awarded custody for the characteristic of nurturing.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLee Posted January 7, 2014 Author Share Posted January 7, 2014 Well court is tomorrow, so I'll be glad to just get closure without this hanging over our heads. 50-50 just is not working. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 You are correct, Most USA states still side with the maternal. Men on average are awarded 15% of the time on primary custody. Single Mothers ( never married), are awarded 60% of the time on primary custody. Joint Custody is the teeter tooter on stats as more states are seeing that Co-Parenting has its economical advantages. Still females are more apt to be awarded custody for the characteristic of nurturing.... While this is true on the whole, this is insufficient to demonstrate a bias. Women are awarded custody more often than men because women are much more likely to ask for custody in the first place. Less than 20% of custody settlements occur through mediation and/or a courtroom with 82% of women seeking sole custody and only 33% of men seeking sole custody: Divorce Statistics - How Is Child Custody Decided? This link describes the results of a large study in Massachusetts (linked in the article) that shows a rather significance bias against women who seek custody through the court system: Villainous Company: Child Support/Custody Facts & Figures This pew study speaks to many of the differences between men and women parenting on the whole. One of the largest differences being that on average women spend twice as much time with their children than men: A Tale of Two Fathers | Pew Social & Demographic Trends OP, please do not listen to this "you'll win because you're a woman" nonsense. You will win because you are a better parent, but also because you do what's necessary to protect your interests and your childrens'. If your court date wasn't tomorrow I would have more for you. But here's the thing, presenting evidence is not mudslinging. Present your case honestly and forthrightly, and trust the system. If you don't get the outcome you want this time, then gather more evidence and try again. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 While this is true on the whole, this is insufficient to demonstrate a bias. Women are awarded custody more often than men because women are much more likely to ask for custody in the first place. Less than 20% of custody settlements occur through mediation and/or a courtroom with 82% of women seeking sole custody and only 33% of men seeking sole custody: Divorce Statistics - How Is Child Custody Decided? This link describes the results of a large study in Massachusetts (linked in the article) that shows a rather significance bias against women who seek custody through the court system: Villainous Company: Child Support/Custody Facts & Figures This pew study speaks to many of the differences between men and women parenting on the whole. One of the largest differences being that on average women spend twice as much time with their children than men: A Tale of Two Fathers | Pew Social & Demographic Trends OP, please do not listen to this "you'll win because you're a woman" nonsense. You will win because you are a better parent, but also because you do what's necessary to protect your interests and your childrens'. If your court date wasn't tomorrow I would have more for you. But here's the thing, presenting evidence is not mudslinging. Present your case honestly and forthrightly, and trust the system. If you don't get the outcome you want this time, then gather more evidence and try again. Listen to the courts and the lawyers.The reports referenced above are bias and OLD data from 2000. Nonetheless, I support parents who are at least attempting to show up for the kids sake . Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Only 4% of custody cases go to trial??? There is no way in heck it's that low. Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Listen to the courts and the lawyers.The reports referenced above are bias and OLD data from 2000. Nonetheless, I support parents who are at least attempting to show up for the kids sake . Only 4% of custody cases go to trial??? There is no way in heck it's that low. I love data. If either of you have contrary or newer data I'm happy to read it. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLee Posted January 11, 2014 Author Share Posted January 11, 2014 So I was awarded primary physical custody! I'm so glad my kiddos will get some consistency. it was really bad. My ex actually called our 9 year old son to the stand!? Who does that? Traumatizing! Our son cried and they asked him who he wanted to live with and he said me. I would've never done this. The ex got on the stand and said that he wanted custody of just our son!? While our two older girls were in there. Two of the kids have had nightmares. So I'm about to get them into counseling. My family is over the moon because I "won" but there is no winning in situations like this. I just wanted to let you guys know the end result, and thank you so much for all of your valuable info. L Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 So I was awarded primary physical custody! I'm so glad my kiddos will get some consistency. it was really bad. My ex actually called our 9 year old son to the stand!? Who does that? Traumatizing! Our son cried and they asked him who he wanted to live with and he said me. I would've never done this. The ex got on the stand and said that he wanted custody of just our son!? While our two older girls were in there. Two of the kids have had nightmares. So I'm about to get them into counseling. My family is over the moon because I "won" but there is no winning in situations like this. I just wanted to let you guys know the end result, and thank you so much for all of your valuable info. L Congrats, I guess? Women almost always win. Do you guys have joint custody? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLee Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 M30USA I've always valued your thoughts and info on this board so far, but women don't always win. It's been a almost three year battle (God bless the people who have to deal with this sort of thing longer), I"m beyond broke and there was mental as well as some physical abuse going on. And still we don't consider it a victory. A victory is IF their father wanted to remain part of their lives. Since court less then a week ago, he's tried to dump the two younger kid's clothes and toys etc at my house, refused to talk to the older kids, pretty much told them that he doesn't want custody of anyone but my son so we are still going through it. And lets not even touch on the expense of an ongoing legal battle. Nothing left now but to pick up the pieces. Your comment was callous. But this is a public forum so what can we expect right? Thanks everyone for the support, I'm done with this particular thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts