winger Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Advice? I am in my twenties, married for 3 years, first marriage for both of us. We are educated, financially secure. Everything was going well for us. We didn't argue and generally got along wonderfully. About a year ago my husband started to get very involved in athletic training, went back to school for yet another master's degree, and focused on projects around the house. He neglected me emotionally, physically. I'd ask to go get coffee together and take a walk and he'd complain about spending the money. (Money is not an issue.) I'd ask for a $50 bracelet for Valentine's day and get a "no way." I got nothing for my birthday. He could not remember the date we got married- guessed wrong twice before he got it right. Worked long hours at work which I understand to some degree, but spent the rest of the night at the gym or in front of the television. He wouldn't consider getting a dog because it would "ruin the carpet." He wouldn't touch me or allow me to touch him at all. Would not hold my hand. Our sex life was never amazing but became nonexistant. He was completely focused on more money, more education, not having any fun or connection between us. I suppose it was possible that he is/was cheating, but I doubt it. He was a virgin before me so I can't see him getting involved with someone that easily. His stories always checked out and I never found anything inappropriate, though I didn't snoop for it. He is not the kind of guy who goes to strip clubs, views pornography, etc...just a low sexuality kind of guy, I guess. Anyway, I moved to a separate bedroom. Unhappiness escalated. Finally I told him, counseling or divorce. He wouldn't go to counseling. I started divorce proceedings. I started seeing someone else. I have gone all the way with that someone else, this is not smart I know. He is unaware of my relationship with the new man. I do and I don't consider it cheating, as my husband and I are separated and have absolutely no sexual contact. I have not been leading him on that way or putting him at risk for stds. We still don't argue. In a way, that is a problem in itself, because my husband seems to have no passion about anything...no sexual passion, no anger, no fight to keep me from divorcing him. However, now I am having second thoughts about divorcing him. My husband tries to show me that he cares in weird ways now. But I am worried that he is only doing this so that he doesn't have to admit to his family that he failed at something for the first time in his life- marriage. Also he makes a lot more money than I do and I worry that my reluctance to leave is based on fear, and not love. Fear of losing stability, also disappointing my family, being alone, will I ever find another successful, self-directed, faithful man, etc. Any thoughts? Does it sound like I was ever even justified to be unhappy? Should I give him a new chance? Or has having another relationship while separated made this impossible? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 You are not happy, but you are scared. THAT I understand totally. Having to stand on your own two feet for the first time can be very daunting. But you can do it. Don't stay out of fear. Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted August 10, 2004 Share Posted August 10, 2004 Sounds like you got married way too young. ALso, seems like there is something that you are not telling us. Link to post Share on other sites
winger Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Seems like something I'm not telling you? Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 Originally posted by winger Seems like something I'm not telling you? Yes, maybe your husband is gay? Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 ------ Link to post Share on other sites
winger Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 If he is, it would be news to me. I have considered it, but I have never had the tiniest hint that he is attracted to men. I don't pick up clues that he is attracted to other women, either. He has shown attraction towards me, though usually tepid. I would say that he is more asexual than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 I second that. Sounds like he's gone in another direction. I can understand the "no contact - physically" because sometimes we just get bored with our partner but........for over a year? Now that's just not right! He may very well have friendship feelings for you but not Love. Maybe we are throwing darts in the wrong direction but this guy is IGNORING you - HUGE RED FLAGS! Usually guys don't want to deal with our "emotions" but to neglect you physically? He does'nt even want a piece? That's just not right. Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
winger Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 He says that he never tried to have sex with me because he got "shot down" so many times. It is true, when we were first married he'd say "can we do it now?" no. "now?" no. "now?" no. All in one day. I would just get annoyed. He would come out and ask as though it were something like taking out the trash. I just don't get turned on by being asked verbally. Besides, I didn't want to have sex because we had such a lack of intimacy otherwise. It felt cheap to me. But trust me, I didn't shoot him down THAT many times, and this was years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 If he did have the sex drive at one time then he should still have it. I use to get NO, not now etc.. from my GFs before but I still have the desire to be with a women daily. Not to offend you in anyway but, have you gained any weight? Maybe he is not attracted to you for some reason or another. Maybe he is getting his fix from porn? Or Has something happened to him physically like somekind of illness? Just seems odd that he is not physical anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
blue636 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Maybe you ought to get professional help first before speculating. Speculation is dangerous and I've been learning that recently. The top three causes for tremendous amounts of grief are death (of a family member or loved one), divorce, and separattion - in that order. Everything that can be possibly done to save a marriage should be done, in my opinion. Divorce is a last resort, but unfortunately for many people its the very first option. Link to post Share on other sites
winger Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Tempsain, My weight is the same. I hear that a lot of guys in my social circle talk about a desire to get with me. (Nothing they would act on, but a fantasy kind of deal.) I wonder why my own husband does not? If I could, I'd link a picture here and let you be the judge. But the moderator would take it off. As far as I can tell, he doesn't view porn. We have no internet access at home, no movie channels on cable, and I'm sure I would have found movies or magazines by now. He is very healthy, in the best shape of his life- training for a marathon. Blue, he won't go to counseling. I will just have to go by myself, but I don't know if that will help figure him out if he is not there. Link to post Share on other sites
blue636 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Originally posted by winger Blue, he won't go to counseling. I will just have to go by myself, but I don't know if that will help figure him out if he is not there. Tell him if he doesn't go he'll lose you, I wish my wife would've done that with me. At any rate, sometimes going by yourself can help. You should do it because think of what you have to lose and what you have to gain by going to a therapist or counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
TempSain Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Maybe the pressure from school, work has caused him to shut down. Often men feel as if the burden to carry the load for the family is often too much for them especially if they feel like the wife is not contributing as much as they are. By the way, you shouldn't justify your cheating with the other man, cause it's still cheating. I guess the question that you have to answer is "what do you want out of this relationship?" Like BLUE has mentioned, you can speculate many things but if they are not true, your problem(s) are still there. You confronted him but he doesn't seem to have really cared one way or the other. BUT, the way that I see it is this. If you are married and he is not cheating, hurting you, degrading or disrespecting you or abusing you, then you have to hang in there. Men feel that their wives should be by their side no matter what happens through thick and thin. Good luck and let us know what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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