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Military Spouse Abandoned us: should I stay or divorce him? Advice?


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Old 10th August 2004, 5:24 AM   #1
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Military Spouse Abandoned us: should I stay or divorce him? Advice?

My military husband currently stationed overseas, abandoned me and my 6 yr old and 5 months old boy 3 weeks ago as we were driving from another state to California early to move to his new duty station (to report by dec 04) to find a place to settle into and for our son to start school. On the way down to California, he drove straight to LAX and left me, my boys in the car and the uhaul trailer at the airport and he left to return back to overseas telling me that everything he feels towards me is negative and he cant deal with me or our marriage anymore.

AFter returning to overseas, he found out that he has depression and blamed me for his unhappiness and bad events for the past 8 years of our marriage. IN the first week, he wanted a divorce and wouldnt speak to me or email me except to talk to the boys and wanting to extend his orders overseas and stay there. In the 2nd week he was willing to agree to an arranged marriage to help support the boys and myself until i got back on my feet and help me thru school since he left us with no home, didnt care for our safety of where we went, I have no job since I was a stay at home mom for the past year and half and had a baby - as long as we had an open marriage and he can do what he wanted and he would move to california as his orders are still. this 3rd week he told me he has positive feelings towards me in the past week in our conversations and wanted to see if we could continue them and maybe work out our marriage, but wanted to keep the arrangement and the open marriage incase some "situation arises" and we dont work out. I ok'd it, but as soon as I hung up, I emailed him stating that i will agree to the arrangement but not the open marriage part of it. Now he is ignoring me again!

I love him, but i followed him around for the past 8 years, and now he put me in a bind with out thinking of us. He doesnt feel like he did anything wrong but wants me to have him back on his conditions. I have no job, stuck with the boys and my baby is allergic to formula and with all this stress im not producing enough milk to pump for daycare so that i can't look for a job. Im in a mess and my husband is the only one with a job and income to support us. Should I stay with him until I get back on my feet and agree to this rediculous so called marriage and his mental problems with me? or should I fight this in court with what money? sinces i dont have a job to even pay for a divorce. This state has no alimony for divorce or legal seperation and the child support wont even cover the rent for the house we just moved into another state that is 4 hours away from his new duty station he will be at in december. Please advice? He's got the power in his hands, and I dont know what to do... confused, angry, and depressed. I went to legal on base here and unless he doesnt support us financially while he is married to me, they can't do anything for us and if i get a divorce I cant make it with just child support. What to do?
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Old 10th August 2004, 5:32 AM   #2
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The root cause of the dilemma is that you are unable to provide for yourself and the child by yourself.

Sort that out, and the rest will fall in place. In other words, try to get a job. The job is going to be your foothold on the shores of independence.

Save every penny you can. The income from the job, including child support, should be enough to get you on your feet.
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Old 10th August 2004, 8:10 PM   #3
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Yeah I am trying to. I am having problems getting my goods shipped here though. My husband is keeing me from my goods in storage to get my furniture. I went to the base to get all the paperwork done, thank god for power of attorney or otherwise id be living in an empty house. Once I recieve it at the end of the month and settle in, I'm going to look for a job. I posted my resume on a job search website and already 3 companies have called me. Since I just moved here, they said they'd call me back in a month once I settle in. But the only other problem, is how to get my baby into daycare if he is allergic to formula and have no milk?
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Old 11th August 2004, 2:16 AM   #4
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I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. I currently have a 1 1/2 yr old in daycare and shes gone there since she was 3 months old. The daycare that she goes to (and I assume most) will provide juices and water. Is your baby on babyfood? You can start him out on the 1st stage if not, and they will make sure that your child is fed.

Your husband sounds like an ass. He wants to have permission to cheat, which is not right. How the hell can a man just leave his wife and not to mention his two young children at an airport like that? Horrible.

I would definetly divorce this man. You can sue him for child support and alamony, since he has supported you all this time and not enabled you to have a job, he can be sued for alamony support for yourself.

I would definetly let the courts know how he left you. I'm sure they would not look to kindly in regards to him putting you and your children's lives in danger. Anything could of happened to you guys! I would point that out to the court.

I had a divorce, couldn't afford it, so I went on a payment plan with the court. $50 per month and then when it was paid for they filed.

Good luck with everything...
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Old 12th August 2004, 2:38 AM   #5
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Thanks for the reply.
I sent an email to my husband stating that I do not want an open marriage and that i wanted him to wear his wedding ring. This morning he agreed to be faithful and to wear his wedding ring if I want him to. I stated I do. So he said he can do that. But when he goes out into the field he said he would wear the ring on his dog tags.
Part of me wants to believe him, he hasnt lied to me up to this point. He says he isnt seeing anybody. So i have to trust that. We are still in limbo and I wouldnt want to be with him, unless I know he hasnt cheated on me and he will be returning back to the US in december. For now, I'm just going to keep this arrangment but without the open marriage until I get back on my feet and if he's not willing to go to counseling for himself and for me when he comes back. I have decided to stay here in Arizona when he moves to California. He'll only be 4 hours away so if we make it work we can still see each other and work on it, if not he'll be close enough to be with the kids.
I guess this is a small inch to be better but I still have hesitations and esp after he abandoned us, if I can trust him to stay around. I know he needs time to heal himself and be happy inside him. We have done a lot to each other and he went thru some painful things last year and then we seperated while I was pregnant and alot of things out-a-wack. I know I can move on my self even though i have nights where I go crazy inside, but I want to know I did my best to make this work out and if not, I can let go freely.
But right now, im going to use this marriage for all its worth with the benefits of now he is agreeing to support us until I get back on my feet. And with the military & medical benefits still in play until we decide whether we are going to work this out or not. Its still on the fence. Neither of us wants to do anything hasty. Even though I think abandonment is hasty. But he's not in the right mental capacity right now. We've always been best friends and when you are in a dark cloud of depression and unhappiness, and negativity, its hard to make the right decisions. We are all human and make lots of mistakes. I just wonder how far I have to go past my boundries before I decide to give up on it all.
Supermom: since im new here, i know i have to wait 90 days as a residence of this state to file for a divorce. I know you made installments to the court until you paid in full to file for divorce. Did you also get a lawyer? How much did everything cost from the beginning to the end and can you give me some advice about the pros and cons of the divorce process to make this less stress and money on me and my 2 boys?
Thanks!
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