Is he "Winning?"

[Still-I-Rise]

After a year of wreaking emotional turmoil and havoc on our family, from which we are still reeling, he upped and left and filed for divorce claiming we'd been separated for 2 years. Bought a new car with his girlfriend whom I heard he still denies.

 

He also claimed I abused him or a minor child and admitted it was the only way to get an emergency divorce. When I explained we could not mediate abuse he told me to accuse him of abusing me. I refused.

 

He then changed it to voluntary separation but still backdated the time of separation. When I made an issue of the date he told me since I must do things legally, he could never see me again, although he still loved me.

 

He then proceeded to call me three hours later with a question about an out-of-network doctor he'd just seen. He had to pay out-of-pocket because he didn't know he'd gone out-of-network.

 

He has not paid support of any kind, save $30, and has lied to the court on numerous occasions. He did not provide the court ordered financial documents we were to exchange. He did not attend co-parenting classes at his scheduled time but rather called on the day mine were to start to tell me the court said we had to go together. He lied. (I'd already changed my time because my children did not feel comfortable with him knowing my dates. They don't trust him.)

 

He disowned the children and does not communicate with them. He gave up his right to custody and is not interested in visitation.

 

He has committed tax and disability (never gets caught) fraud and yet he keeps moving forward in life.

 

I've watched this guy lie all our lives no matter how much I begged him to do right, etc. People always believed him and accused me of not being understanding.

 

I've taken care of him during serious medial problems due to poorly managed type 2 diabetes.

 

At the end, he told me he was a really bad person and preferred to be around low-life people. I didn't believe him then but am starting to get my head around it now.

 

Thing is, I get it now. He does not have to change because THIS works for him. He has not been challenged on perjury nor anything else.

 

Perhaps he is a winner in a since and I am a push-over loser who will keep the train running even if the conductor jumped off.

 

Around the time he left he came to the house early one morning around 5:30 am saying he wanted to talk to me. Our eldest daughter heard him and kicked him out of our bedroom. She told him since he'd abandoned us he needed to come by at a respectable hour to talk to me. She said while she could put him out, I had to make him stay out. After he left, she turned to me and said, "he has emotionally abused and manipulated you for years. You need a judge to tell you he is a pathological liar."

 

During that time he would call and say he would come by and tell me the truth about why he had to leave but he never would do so. He would come by when the kids weren't home and initiate sex. He would say my needing to know the truth was a hangup I needed to get over. I thought he was going crazy and thought I could be of help.

 

He swore we would all understand in three months. Well, three months have come and gone.

 

He told me to let the house go and allow the car to get repossessed (I'd put it in my name for him). He'd broken our AC unit (a year ago) and our furnace - recently and did not tell me. (He was working on getting an HVAC license - and he has it - although he never worked in HVAC.)

 

Thing is, however low he sinks, it seems to work for him.

 

Is he in fact winning at life? Is it futile to keep paying an attorney?

 

I don't want to fight a losing battle (I though I am not REALLY fighting).

 

Someone on the boards wrote, 'only evil can conquer evil,' and since I am not willing to be evil perhaps I should throw in the towel and allow the court to handle the rest of the divorce without much input from me.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Still-I-Rise

[TaraMaiden]

THIS:

 

Around the time he left he came to the house early one morning around 5:30 am saying he wanted to talk to me. Our eldest daughter heard him and kicked him out of our bedroom. She told him since he'd abandoned us he needed to come by at a respectable hour to talk to me. She said while she could put him out, I had to make him stay out. After he left, she turned to me and said, "he has emotionally abused and manipulated you for years. You need a judge to tell you he is a pathological liar."

 

You also need intense therapy and counselling to escape this co-dependent robotic behaviour.

 

Listen to your daughter. She is wise beyond her years.

[Still-I-Rise]

"You also need intense therapy and counselling to escape this co-dependent robotic behaviour."

 

Thank you for the advice. After he left I had five sessions with an EAP counselor. My goal was to achieve acceptance of what was happening and the belief I could do it alone.

 

My plan is to start counseling in January with a focus on co-dependency.

 

I've just begun reading Codependent No More.

 

Your use of the word robotic jarred me because that's how I feel.

[TaraMaiden]

That's how you came across.

 

programmed.

 

Which is what his treatment has done to you.

He's turned you into a predictable-response organism.

 

Time to break out of that armour and reveal a newer, better, healed, independent you.

 

And thank your daughter, too.

 

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

And whatever he tries to get you to do?

 

Do the opposite.

Edited December 31, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

At the end, he told me he was a really bad person and preferred to be around low-life people. I didn't believe him then

.

 

 

 

This is the one honest thing he has said. This is a fact, bad people do prefer the company of other bad people.

 

 

There are only two kinds of people bad guys can stand to be around. Other bad people and people who put their head in the sand and look the other way and tolerate it.

 

 

You have been the second kind of person and that is why you have been burdened with him for so long. You knew within days of becoming involved with him that he was a crud, yet you looked the other way and continued to become more involved with him.

 

 

This is opportunity to get away and redeem yourself. You have been an accomplice and have provided safe harbor for bad person for many years. This is your chance to get out from under this yoke.

 

 

Don't do anything that delays getting him out of your life and out of your childrens lives forever. He is a toxin that can only bring despair, torment and pain.

 

 

Once you have rid yourself of him please please please get yourself into some serious therapy to understand why you allowed yourself to be drawn to someone like this and to put up with all of his crap and allowed yourself to be treated like this.

 

 

If you do not discover the cause of this and take serious affirmative steps to correct it, you will be doomed to repeat it.

 

 

Please get help and do whatever it takes to free yourself from this horrible situation and terrible blight to society.

[oldshirt]

since you have the screen name of 'Still I rise' I have the feeling you know who Maya De Angelo is. Here is my favorite quote of her's -

 

 

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

 

 

Maya De Angelo

[TaraMaiden]

A friend of mine became extremely subservient in her marriage, until basically, she had no wit to think for herself any longer. In the end, he left her, and made her believe it was all her fault, of course.

 

Over time, and therapy, she began to gradually re-adjust her way of thinking, and slowly began the journey to "her former, better self".

 

One thing her therapist advised her family and friends[highlight]*[/highlight] to do, was to ask her to do unreasonable things for them, and if she agreed, to question why she would do them, and get her to explain her motive for agreeing.

In that way, she was able to observe the foolishness of her agreement, and better evaluate for herself what was ok, and what was not, for her, and to be able to say 'No' with confidence, assurance and without doing harm.

 

It was an absolute delight to me to hear her refuse a request I made.

It wasn't the first time she had done it, but it was the first time she'd denied a request to me, and gave good reason.

So good to hear her finally think for herself!

 

 

([highlight]*[/highlight]her family had joint counselling to overcome this man's influence, and help rebuild their lives without him. His insidious influence reached out and affected every member of the family, over time. They attended a family session for her good, to better understand her position. They chose good mutual friends with which to share the healing process, who would in turn offer positive support.... )

[Still-I-Rise]

Oldshirt,

 

You are correct in saying I did know something was wrong early on.

 

Whenever I tried to talk about it I was shunned as if I was a bad person or as my mother said, "You just don't understand true love."

 

Our former minister said I should've been happy he wasn't beating me like some men beat their wives.

 

I also know why I put up with it for so long. It's probably very cliche but I came from a background of abuse.

 

My mother's boyfriend, later became my step-father, molested me. My sister made me tell my mother but my mom did not believe me. The boyfriend told her it was a misunderstanding and threatened me. His brother later molested me as well. I'd reached out to an aunt at the time who told my mother I was telling stories. (Don't want to get into this too much. I got therapy to work through most of that baggage.)

 

So, I learned to accept how to live with lies and distorted realities. I was the best child a mother could want - always respectful, responsible, giving and never stepped outside the lines. I became adept at keeping the peace and meeting the needs of others above my own.

 

In any case, your words have given me more food for thought.

 

Thank you.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Still-I-Rise

[devilish innocent]

His behavior reminds me a lot of a close relative of mine. They will do whatever it takes to make things go their way. Manipulate people they know with their words, lie to the courts, commit insurance fraud, etc. This relative has told me they think I'm a sucker just because I don't do some of those same things.

 

I don't actually see them winning though. Yes, they get things and save money sometimes. However, they've completely alienated many of their friends and family members with the same behavior.

 

As for the courts, there's only so much lying they can get away with. Judges are used to dealing with these types of people and can probably spot more easily than most people can. A good lawyer is still your best bet for exposing his lies and winning a judge over to your side, so I would stick with one. Doing your best to stay cool and treat this like a business dealing will also help you. Good luck!

[trippi1432]

Still-I-Rise - I started reading your thread today, and honestly, tears came to my eyes on this one (I could have almost written it myself four years ago). It's almost as if you have been "conditioned" to put yourself last, not realizing that this gives away your power, your security and your ability to take care of YOU. That is just as important as taking care of others.

 

Co-Dependent No More is a good book to start on, I did a lot of soul searching with Melodie Beatty the first year into my divorce, but a resource I found last year that really set me on a better course of reclaiming "ME" was Melonie Tonia Evans. There are free articles on her site on empowered living that you may find healing to read along with Beatty. Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Please do understand that you are in absolutely no way responsible for your stbx's behavior, you do not pull his strings, he is not a puppet....though I'm betting he would probably prefer to put his bad behavior on everyone but himself. Both my exH and our son were very adept at manipulating me as well......today, that's a whole different story.

 

There's a lot of good advice posted here to your thread already, so please keep posting your progress.

[alonefornow]

Here's a link to the post in the stickied thread about resources for abuse victims.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce-2.html#post5367903

 

I don't know what "winning" means, but any person who abandons their children, has to abuse and manipulate their partner, and commits fraud in order to slog through life could hardly be considered winning to me.

[Still-I-Rise]

Thank you all for the encouragement, resources, and allowing me to vent.

 

Something tells me the way I define winning will soon change.

 

Getting more out:

 

My stbxh used to say, "Just because you don't want to hurt other people does not mean they don't want to hurt you." "There are people who want to hurt you."

 

Strange as it may sound I had a so-called work friend who used to say the same thing, verbatim. I don't know if they were involved but he told me not to trust her because she was not a friend and swore although he was a low person he never slept with her. (Not sure why he said that much.) They used to both say the other was jealous of me. And these are folks who I thought had met only once or twice though they spoke the same nonsense.

 

They were very similar people and I never considered her a true friend am not surprised something may have happened there. She tried to draw close when my stbxh left and that's when he told me not to trust her.

 

That said, they both knew how to beat the system. They would cheat at work, hurt their families, etc., and it worked for them.

 

They didn't get caught. Life gave them a pass or so it seemed.

 

A part of me feels juvenile typing this because I know deep down being decent matters. Being honest matters. And even if I thought I could get away with being like my husband, I would decline.

 

So, perhaps, I need to be grateful and accept while what he did sucks to high heaven and hurt me to the core, I am so much better off without him in my life and in my children's lives.

 

He was always a shady liar and I despised his reprehensible behaviour.

 

I just could never imagine a time when I would not have to listen to his bumbling lies or endure his negative energy. He was always so negative.

 

He was an awful businessman. His customers would call and complain so much I had to have a business line installed because he would get angry if I relayed an unhappy message to him.

 

He wrecked our home by doing shoddy work and never finishing projects.

 

He is a master electrician and our wiring is not up to code.

 

In truth, I am lucky to be rid of him.

 

We all are.

 

Since I am on a roll, I will add - I am happy the kids and I no longer have to see or smell his infected foot ulcers nor help him care for them simply because he refused to manage his diabetes. I once stayed out of work for 2 months giving him IVs - blood thinners and antibiotic - for clotting and a bone infection. He never cared what he put us through.

 

He was especially awful to our eldest daughter because she never put up with his lies, even in childhood, and he tried to stop her from going to college just like he stopped me.

 

She practically had a perfect score for the SAT and is a junior.

 

I can't wait until I can say with heartfelt joy and honesty I am happy he is gone and can see I/we have gained far more than we lost by his leaving.

[Still-I-Rise]

TaraMaiden,

 

Re: my daughter

 

In 2007, my stbxh called himself giving advice to me/women about how to get a man. He told me to post it on a website as he was sure he could make money.

 

Here it is as written then:

 

"1. if i truly want to get a man to do as i wish...i need to be a weaker woman. i am too strong willed and most people have never witnessed my breaking down and it isn't normal. i'm too self-reliant, too comfortable in myself to change and i don't let men know i need them. most women, especially really beautiful ones know how to effect the damsel in the distress role -- i need to learn it (He always said he hated that his mother played the damsel in distress role with men including himself when he was a boy.)

 

2. i need to dumb down some and allow men to think they are smarter than me; that they are in charge even when i may have the upper hand. it is also important to buy their lies and b.s. (something like that) even when i know they aren't being straight up (sounds an awful lot like Kate and Pertrucio to me -- though he denied the similarity. i get it.) a man needs to feel that a woman is believing him

 

he said women who are too strong make men think they don't need a man"

 

He asked me to show it to our eldest daughter, who was 16 at the time, and tell her it was an anonymous post to get her reaction.

 

Here is what she wrote in response to my email "hm…sounds like a man wrote this...a man without a girlfriend, or a wife, who needs to feel better about why his former partner left him in search of something far better…im pretty sure it wouldn’t be hard for said partner to find someone much better and worth her…from this ridiculous post, it sounds like it should be a fairly easy task."

 

She was in a state of shock when he revealed himself as the source while he held his ground. It was quite the debate.

 

After he abandoned us this year, his sister (we were never close) told me he'd confided in her he felt our children were leaving him behind and regretting choices he'd made in high school regarding academics.

 

He had this weird thing about not wanting his children to surpass him in life. He never said this directly to me but I learned he'd said it to at least one of our children and his uncle. To me he would say I was only furthering my education in order to be in a better position to help our children in the future. "They won't need your help. You make a good enough living now."

 

It wasn't until my son's therapist said, "It seems like your father doesn't want his children to do better than him in life," and went on to explain how inhuman that was, did I realize I'd been blind to my children's plight. The new therapist had never met my stbxh yet discerned his feelings regarding our children based upon a few things my son said.

 

I always thought he loved them as much as I did just that he was negative at times.

 

Thanks again for letting me vent. It is therapeutic.

Edited January 2, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[alonefornow]

Your daughter is awesome.

[trippi1432]

Your daughter is awesome.

 

Was thinking the exact same thing!!

 

On the other side of that statement, she had to have gotten those smarts from somewhere, right? Certainly not from her dad.......

[Still-I-Rise]

Thanks for saying that.

 

I've got great kids who are open-minded, independent thinkers.

 

They are decent people.

[dreamingoftigers]

He sounds like my Dad when I was younger.

 

Yes, best to be rid of him.

Even just for your daughters sake.

It was brutal watching him lie and lie and lie to my mom about how it was always everyone else's fault. She doesn't have any friends because he would come up with reason after reason why this or that person was horrible. He tried isolating me from my friends for years. I ended up mostly couch-surfing until the age of 20. (I did have my own place after 17 though, it was kind of back-and forth couch-surfing).

 

He isolated e from my mother too. So jealous and possessive.

And yes, he cheated the government out if tax money and they went after his house so he owes owes owes or he loses the house. Which he remortgaged after paying off two years ago. Second time they've remortgaged. Maybe 3rd.

 

He's diabetic and doesn't manage it well.

Does rude and particular things. Like will not EVER try anything I have cooked. He knows I love too cook. I have made dishes specifically FOR HIM that he would like and he categorically refuses to try them.(I haven't made anything in years).

 

Whines about how he's done "so much" for everyone else and all they do is "sh*t on him."

 

Ugh. Luckily he went for a brain scan and had to make some changes or risk a stroke.

 

Thank you all for the encouragement, resources, and allowing me to vent.

 

Something tells me the way I define winning will soon change.

 

Getting more out:

 

My stbxh used to say, "Just because you don't want to hurt other people does not mean they don't want to hurt you." "There are people who want to hurt you."

 

Strange as it may sound I had a so-called work friend who used to say the same thing, verbatim. I don't know if they were involved but he told me not to trust her because she was not a friend and swore although he was a low person he never slept with her. (Not sure why he said that much.) They used to both say the other was jealous of me. And these are folks who I thought had met only once or twice though they spoke the same nonsense.

 

They were very similar people and I never considered her a true friend am not surprised something may have happened there. She tried to draw close when my stbxh left and that's when he told me not to trust her.

 

That said, they both knew how to beat the system. They would cheat at work, hurt their families, etc., and it worked for them.

 

They didn't get caught. Life gave them a pass or so it seemed.

 

A part of me feels juvenile typing this because I know deep down being decent matters. Being honest matters. And even if I thought I could get away with being like my husband, I would decline.

 

So, perhaps, I need to be grateful and accept while what he did sucks to high heaven and hurt me to the core, I am so much better off without him in my life and in my children's lives.

 

He was always a shady liar and I despised his reprehensible behaviour.

 

I just could never imagine a time when I would not have to listen to his bumbling lies or endure his negative energy. He was always so negative.

 

He was an awful businessman. His customers would call and complain so much I had to have a business line installed because he would get angry if I relayed an unhappy message to him.

 

He wrecked our home by doing shoddy work and never finishing projects.

 

He is a master electrician and our wiring is not up to code.

 

In truth, I am lucky to be rid of him.

 

We all are.

 

Since I am on a roll, I will add - I am happy the kids and I no longer have to see or smell his infected foot ulcers nor help him care for them simply because he refused to manage his diabetes. I once stayed out of work for 2 months giving him IVs - blood thinners and antibiotic - for clotting and a bone infection. He never cared what he put us through.

 

He was especially awful to our eldest daughter because she never put up with his lies, even in childhood, and he tried to stop her from going to college just like he stopped me.

 

She practically had a perfect score for the SAT and is a junior.

 

I can't wait until I can say with heartfelt joy and honesty I am happy he is gone and can see I/we have gained far more than we lost by his leaving.

[Still-I-Rise]

Still-I-Rise - I started reading your thread today, and honestly, tears came to my eyes on this one (I could have almost written it myself four years ago). It's almost as if you have been "conditioned" to put yourself last, not realizing that this gives away your power, your security and your ability to take care of YOU. That is just as important as taking care of others.

 

Co-Dependent No More is a good book to start on, I did a lot of soul searching with Melodie Beatty the first year into my divorce, but a resource I found last year that really set me on a better course of reclaiming "ME" was Melonie Tonia Evans. There are free articles on her site on empowered living that you may find healing to read along with Beatty. Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Please do understand that you are in absolutely no way responsible for your stbx's behavior, you do not pull his strings, he is not a puppet....though I'm betting he would probably prefer to put his bad behavior on everyone but himself. Both my exH and our son were very adept at manipulating me as well......today, that's a whole different story.

 

There's a lot of good advice posted here to your thread already, so please keep posting your progress.

 

Trippi,

 

Thanks for the post and sharing some of your experience.

 

I am overwhelmed by the level of compassion here.

 

Be well

[dreamingoftigers]

 

After he abandoned us this year, his sister (we were never close) told me he'd confided in her he felt our children were leaving him behind and regretting choices he'd made in high school regarding academics.

He had this weird thing about not wanting his children to surpass him in life. He never said this directly to me but I learned he'd said it to at least one of our children and his uncle. To me he would say I was only furthering my education in order to be in a better position to help our children in the future. "They won't need your help. You make a good enough living now."

 

It wasn't until my son's therapist said, "It seems like your father doesn't want his children to do better than him in life," and went on to explain how inhuman that was.

 

Holy crap!

 

That is the only other human being I have ever heard of do that.

My father has made bold and large gestures to discourage me from any kind of success, especially academic.

 

He keep talking like I should've this and should've that by now. But he shut he down repeatedly. Wouldn't fill out loans forms that were MANDATORY for anyone attending post-secondary under the age of 19 in my province at the time so I couldn't get a full loan. He used my credit cards and maxed them as soon as I turned 18. He even tried to get me to EXTEND my credit. I had to pay it all back.

He would use money to control me and I started outright refusing it so my mother would call and guilt me.

 

When I grew older I started a small cleaning business. He did everything he could to SHUT IT DOWN. Even told me I was "his competition" he dies refrigerator tech and landscaping. What kind of father does that? A fuc*ed up one.

 

I am glad I disappeared for years away from them.

My mother always went along with him too. And would complain about him behind his back. But if you complained too, she would tell him about it.

 

My husband's mother is much the same way. He told her that he was going to school and she freaked on him "why can't you just be a janitor like your sister?"

 

Really? WTF?

[Still-I-Rise]

dreamingoftigers,

 

Wow! There are similarities.

 

My eldest daughter told me going to college allowed her to see just how dysfunctional he was. She said most kids she knew did not feel the way they did about my stbxh nor did they scatter when their fathers came home from work. (My kids were like roaches when the light came on.)

 

He never allowed us to have family friends or people over. I would invite boys over to play with my son from time to time but even then he would complain.

 

We never did anything. He would take the car and claim he was working his side business on the weekend leaving us stuck.

 

After he left I went to formally introduce myself to one of our neighbors (13 years in this house) and she said she could see he tried to keep a hold on us and never allowed us to get close to people. She then said, "And you probably weren't brought up that way, right?" I was stunned!

 

When I got in the car my 19 year old said, "See, Mom, people knew he wasn't right." She then told me he'd said all neighbors are bad people and to stay away from them. WTF?

 

I always thought people thought I was the anti-social one because he would put on a show of friendliness.

 

Back to the eldest: On New Year's Eve 2003, she came to me with tears in her eyes saying there was something I needed to do but would not because of them (the children). She encouraged me to do it anyway saying although the little ones would be hurt, in time they'd be okay.

 

She wanted me to leave her father but I thought it was best to endure in hopes things would improve.

Edited January 2, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[Still-I-Rise]

Holy crap!

 

That is the only other human being I have ever heard of do that.

My father has made bold and large gestures to discourage me from any kind of success, especially academic.

 

He keep talking like I should've this and should've that by now. But he shut he down repeatedly. Wouldn't fill out loans forms that were MANDATORY for anyone attending post-secondary under the age of 19 in my province at the time so I couldn't get a full loan. He used my credit cards and maxed them as soon as I turned 18. He even tried to get me to EXTEND my credit. I had to pay it all back.

He would use money to control me and I started outright refusing it so my mother would call and guilt me.

 

When I grew older I started a small cleaning business. He did everything he could to SHUT IT DOWN. Even told me I was "his competition" he dies refrigerator tech and landscaping. What kind of father does that? A fuc*ed up one.

 

I am glad I disappeared for years away from them.

My mother always went along with him too. And would complain about him behind his back. But if you complained too, she would tell him about it.

 

My husband's mother is much the same way. He told her that he was going to school and she freaked on him "why can't you just be a janitor like your sister?"

 

Really? WTF?

 

Whoa!

 

He refused to help with my daughter's loan and said he would not help them go to college. We'd always put college before them as children, or at least I did.

 

Whenever it was time to pay rent for her residence at school he would interfere, intercept the loan money at times and leave me to pay for rent and books out of pocket. He would say that's your money not hers. I now understand he meant it was his money.

 

He is such an awful person.

 

About a month ago he called out of the blue to tell our 19 year old he wanted to help her pick classes for next semester so he could continue to pay for them.

 

Two weeks ago she received a letter in the mail telling her she is in debt with the school because her account is in arrears. So she can't get grade information, etc. (He works at her school supposedly so he could pay for his children's education at a reduced rate.) Such a scumbag!

 

We do not call him for anything. Not a dollar.

 

He used to tell me I didn't love money like he does. He would take any money he could find around the house. He would even borrow the children's birthday money.

 

I would pay them back until they started refusing my payment for his debts.

[trippi1432]

Still-I-Rise - Peeling back the layers, you can certainly see what you are dealing with here.

 

Why was your daughter so perplexed for you to leave back in 2003? My daughter was very similar about my marriage to her step-dad.....but she also saw the things that I didn't always want to see either.

[Still-I-Rise]

Trippi,

 

Like your daughter, I think she saw things I did not see. Back then I had a 2 year old.

 

I could tell you things my other children said that left me reeling.

 

Kids are very perceptive.

 

I was mostly sad when he was around. But with them I was all fun and sunshine.

 

I was resigned to be unfulfilled and unhappily married and thought my payment of that sad tax meant they would not.

 

I now see it didn't work that way.

[Still-I-Rise]

Holy crap!

 

That is the only other human being I have ever heard of do that.

My father has made bold and large gestures to discourage me from any kind of success, especially academic.

 

He keep talking like I should've this and should've that by now. But he shut he down repeatedly. Wouldn't fill out loans forms that were MANDATORY for anyone attending post-secondary under the age of 19 in my province at the time so I couldn't get a full loan. He used my credit cards and maxed them as soon as I turned 18. He even tried to get me to EXTEND my credit. I had to pay it all back.

He would use money to control me and I started outright refusing it so my mother would call and guilt me.

 

When I grew older I started a small cleaning business. He did everything he could to SHUT IT DOWN. Even told me I was "his competition" he dies refrigerator tech and landscaping. What kind of father does that? A fuc*ed up one.

 

I am glad I disappeared for years away from them.

My mother always went along with him too. And would complain about him behind his back. But if you complained too, she would tell him about it.

 

My husband's mother is much the same way. He told her that he was going to school and she freaked on him "why can't you just be a janitor like your sister?"

 

Really? WTF?

 

I gave my 19 year old a concept for a small business this year.

 

Guess who gave the idea to his girlfriend? She's already opened a business based on the concept?

 

Unbelievable similarities.

[dreamingoftigers]

I gave my 19 year old a concept for a small business this year.

 

Guess who gave the idea to his girlfriend? She's already opened a business based on the concept?

 

Unbelievable similarities.

 

My father paid for his mistress' school courses and backed out of paying mine. Same thing. Not able to get my grades until they were paid.

Real problems with the neighbours too.

 

He always wanted to be a cop too. Would get into altercations in public.

Lie about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Twist words. Be the victim. Ugh.

He was the "victim" to me from as early as I could remember. I remember asking for a chocolate bar at the store. He let me have it and then blew up at me when got in the truck because I "knew he wouldn't say no to me in front of other people and how was this and that." I cried and ate my chocolate because he told me to "eat it now because I wanted it so bad."

 

Many many many many examples like this. Giving me something and then resenting me for it. Or promising the world and not delivering. Guilting, raging, completely unstable.

 

Do you want to know something funny?

When I was 22 I met my husband. I had already been through Hell because the only self-esteem I had was escaping the rat-trap that was "home."

 

My husband was a bum. A full-on bum. Lived under bridges slept outside (not a shelter bum).

 

I became a bum with him. And people were SO MUCH NICER TO ME than I ever had at home. Sure people a few times a day would yell at me or whatever, but I was safer being homeless begging for change than I was at home. -

'

And honestly, my Dad had it so that I believed màybe 50-70% of the world was disgusted with me (openly) or would hurt me in some way. Pfft. Less than 1%. Far less. 80-95% just ignored me. And some people were offended by that LOL.