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Hi guys

 

If u have read my previous posts you will know I don't love the ex and have been split for 6 months. She just revealed she has met someone this weekend. I don't know why but I find myself filled with absolute rage! I'm having a really difficult time at the moment looking after my Ill elderly father and to add to my stress levels she tells me she wants to sell the house (with all the costs that will incur) and has a recently met a boyfriend. I feel like all hells breaking loose in my life and I feel filled with a burning rage, what do I do?

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"When you hate something with all your heart, might and soul, you cling to it as desperately as if you loved it with all your heart, might and soul."

 

What you must cultivate, is Indifference. Right now, you're still too close to her emotionally, to be rational.

 

('Love' and 'hate' centres in the brain are so proximal, they virtually overlap.)

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Rage is an emotion not unlike like hate or anger - sort of in the same catagory. If you have learned your wife has met someone else and you find yourself in RAGE, it is likely you still have deep feeling for her that you have not worked though.

 

Saying "you are not in love" with your wife any longer doesn't mean you don't have residual love and feelings of loss. Seeing her move on with her life with another man exasperate the fact that you ARE NOT yet indifferent, and, contrary to what you say, you may still be in love with her.

 

On the other hand, she used to be yours. To find she is free and acting on that freedom to be someone else's stings the ego - no matter what. That is also normal, and could be a possibility. But the level of your reaction (RAGE) tends to make me believe the former diagnosis (you still have deep feelings for her - that you need to work through).

 

Yas

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I've got a huge expensive fight on my hands because of her, I was originally going to get my name removed from the mortgage and her and her mum were going to live in the house we both purchased. Now she wants to sell which will cost me a fortune. She has moved on but with all the expense selling the house will cause I'll have no money to move on. I feel as of I'm incandescent with pure rage and I feel total hatred for her. I wish I could cut all ties but we have a gorgeous son together.

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With previous relationships when they ended I cut all ties and did total no contact, this time around I can't do that and I feel like this whole situation as well as looking after my Ill father at the same time is totally sapping my energy, soul and zest for life. How do I battle on so that I can get some good in my life again?

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Listen very carefully, because what I'm about to tell you will go for everything you do concerning her, from now on:

 

It is absolutely imperative that you separate your emotional line of thinking, from what it is practically necessary for you to do.

 

You cannot EVER permit your emotions to guide your line of thinking, where practical solutions and decisions are required.

 

Why?

 

Because you will invariably reach the wrong conclusions, and make the wrong decisions.

 

Whatever needs doing regarding the house, just do it. Research everything legally and discuss the process with your lawyer/legal representative.

 

But this is business. Remember that. Bricks and mortar.

 

This has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with how it makes you feel. You have to put that into a separate box, and leave it be.

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I've got a huge expensive fight on my hands because of her, I was originally going to get my name removed from the mortgage and her and her mum were going to live in the house we both purchased. Now she wants to sell which will cost me a fortune. She has moved on but with all the expense selling the house will cause I'll have no money to move on. I feel as of I'm incandescent with pure rage and I feel total hatred for her. I wish I could cut all ties but we have a gorgeous son together.

 

Man, you picked her. Now you got to sort this thing out for the sake of your son. Put the energy of your rage/anger into forward-thinking that will accomplish something positive for your situation. Anger and rage will do nothing for you. Everyone gets divorced in one way or another, and everyone has financial problems of some sort. Use your energy wisely to solve these issues. Yas

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How do I separate the emotional side when doing the handover s with my son? Especially now this other guy is on the scene?

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How do you work through those feelings, how do you get to the indifferent stage?

 

It takes time, but what you must come to terms with, is that she is acting out of self-interest, and not necessarily out of a deliberate attempt to hurt you directly or intentionally.

 

She's doing what works for her. Not to be a cause of pain to you, but to create contentment for herself. There's a distinct difference.

 

Do NOT take her actions personally.

 

Your circumstances are unfortunate to say the least, but she's living her life independently, and you cannot demand or expect that she do everything to accommodate you, because of how it makes you feel.

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How do I separate the emotional side when doing the handover s with my son? Especially now this other guy is on the scene?

 

This is more difficult, of course, because there is emotion involved with regard to the well-being of your son.

You need to discuss this - on a practical level - with her. Explain, rationally, that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and that you would appreciate some level of consideration regarding this guy's presence with your son around.

 

How old is your son?

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Monodare1,

 

My heart is going out to you and I wish I had some magic words for you.

 

Please listen to the advice you are receiving here and remember acting on anger will hurt you and your son. Period.

 

I hope the anger you feel will dissipate soon.

 

Be well.

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Then a mature, sensible talk would be in order, and possibly, a drop-off/pick up at a neutral location. In the public domain, away from possible situations where an argument could blow up.

 

Work this out amicably for the sake of your boy.

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TheBladeRunner

OP, the best you can do is reach that point of indifference....it won't happen overnight, but it can happen if you work toward it. Mine came with what I think of as "baby step boundaries". For example: she would have a personal problem and call me about it, same thing would happen to me, instant rage! The answer: I stopped taking her calls unless it was regarding our daughter. Each item that comes up will require you to think it through before reacting, then continue to draw those boundary lines; over time the line gets thicker and more solid hence hopefully taking to to the point of indifference.

 

I see you guys have a child together so no contact will be hard, but HERE is what I did to establish Limited Contact.

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With previous relationships when they ended I cut all ties and did total no contact, this time around I can't do that and I feel like this whole situation as well as looking after my Ill father at the same time is totally sapping my energy, soul and zest for life. How do I battle on so that I can get some good in my life again?

 

I'm the same and I completely understand this. Cutting all contact is the natural response for some people, and not being able to do that is enraging in itself, because it limits your defences and your ability to move on cleanly. That's why it's draining your energy - because you can't sever all connections. Recognise that rage is a natural response because you feel you can't escape from something nasty. Tara is right, you must separate things out.

 

Business is business. Keep the emotions out of it. Treat the whole thing like a legal case. Don't make any decisions when you're angry. Act in the interests of yourself and your son like a cold machine.

 

On the emotional side, believe me I've been there. In a perverse way, probably the best thing that can happen to you is that you reach levels of rage that frighten and disturb you. Provided you don't act on it. It's then that you realise how damaging the rage is to you. It pulls you down, shreds your rationality, colours your life, sways your decisions, and ultimately makes you very weak.

 

Life has dealt you a really sh*tty hand. You need to face the mountain of cr*p and deal with it in ways that you can be proud of, no matter how small the steps at first. Getting control of the rage is a big part of this. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

 

My wife dropped the bomb on me two and a half years ago. I don't get enraged any more. It's not easy but you will get there. The biggest helps to me have been therapy and meditation.

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Mono I'm in a very similar position as you.

 

I find it really difficult and awkward at times having to see her when picking and dropping of my child. I've got anger and sadness towards her taking my child away, but I try and act fairly happy and reasonably friendly even though it's not what I'm feeling.

 

My child's well being is the main priority over and above my feelings towards the ex.

 

Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you angry and bitter towards her.. Try to be indifferent when you have to interact with her.

 

I know how hard it is....Good luck!

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Monodare, can you explain the situation with the house? If you take your name off the mortgage, would you be giving her your equity in the house?

 

If you sell as things stand now, won't you get a half share of the proceeds? Won't this more than cover the expenses of selling? Are you in negative equity? I don't know how Scottish law differs from English law in this respect, but here in England a co-owner can't force a sale against the other co-owner's wishes without a court order. What's your legal position?

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Hi, we both own the house jointly, I spoke to a lawyer and was told that as long I have no interest in the house and the mother in law who moved in as she was living with an ex partner could afford my half of the mortgage and the mortgage supplier agreed, I could get my name off the mortgage and walk away Scott free. Unfortunately the ex and the mother in law have found it cramped and no longer want up live together so the ex wants to sell. We bought it for 125k 2 years ago but I'm concerned that in the current market it would go negative. Although its apparently been valued on a valuing website in the 140k range, it hasn't been professionally valued yet. I'm also worried that if wont sell quickly and the mortgage is up for renegotiation this coming may.

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That said, the ex apparently thinks it will sell quickly before may and we will get money back but I don't know where she's getting that from and I'm worried that her suggestions are pie in the sky and not based in reality.

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You need to speak to your lawyer about drawing up an agreement that ensures a suitable and acceptable compromise for you both.

 

Remember: THIS - IS - BUSINESS.

 

This is not tit-for-tat, out for what you can get to phukk each other over.

Your kid's future is tied up in this, so you need to come to an agreement (if necessary, go to arbitration) and work something out together.

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So you need that professional valuation pronto. If you stand to make any profit, then don't lose that just from a desire to get out. If it does go negative it doesn't sound like it'll be a huge loss. I'm facing 30k. I would get some solid opinions from estate agents and valuers.

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Heartbroken Eagle

Please read The Bladerunner's guide to LC.

 

It is bang on the money. I only wished I had read it early after my BU. I'm sure I would have dealt with it better.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I feel rage like that for mine ex.The # *() did it to me sold out and left with another guy from what i heard he cant do no wrong.I wanted to cut all ties with her to,but i have a 7 year old daughter .I cant be in the same room with her ,went to a school event, separate cars she was there to but there was alot of people there so i didnt have to see her.She wants to be nice to me but cant face right now!Maybe never ! I want to get so far away from her but i cant leave my daughter.

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The best thing you can do for your son is to take a deep breath and do what you have to do to get this over with. Then create an amicable distant relationship with your ex so that you can talk about child issues.

 

Don't talk negatively about your son's mom around him. EVER. Ever, ever, ever.

 

You'll get through this. Shut your emotions down and become a robot for now. You are Spock. Deal with reality, whatever that is. (And you don't know until you get the house appraised, so there's no point in feeling rage about partial information.)

 

You also have to let go of the things out of your control. Your ex dating this new guy is out of control. Him meeting your son is out of your control. Just communicate with your ex and try to come to some kind of agreement about that.

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