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Update!! today I find out how bad life can get!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 8th August 2004, 12:47 PM   #1
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Update!! today I find out how bad life can get!

I have been busy so I couldnt post what went on at the MC last week. She did go! We found out we do not communicate. He asked us when was our last conversation and we couldnt answer. We didnt know. He gave us "tools" to start communication. He told us to try a mock/mild seperation for a week but live in the same house. We are not to talk about our relationship at all. He said no sex. I said we dont have sex and he said good that it shouldnt be a problem. He told us to cut back our "extracurricular activity". I think he meant bars for her and my sports for me. She told him that she was not comfortable sleeping in the same bed. Why would she feel that way? I dont and have not tried anything in months. I also still wonder if the OM is still in the picture but we are not to talk of the past?

This week she has been nice. We talk and are getting along. She took me to starbucks and got me a pedicure? I cant remember that last time she did anything for me including holidays. She calls to let me know when she will be home and where she is going. I think she wants to build trust? The only thing that I cant stand is she is still going to the bars and is secretive at times. She will choose friends over family.
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Old 8th August 2004, 3:57 PM   #2
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sounds like a little improvement on her part? I would just let it ride, don't say anything but thank you and yes, do let her know when you do appreciate things, but to me it sounds like maybe she is trying a little bit.

Good luck
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Old 8th August 2004, 4:23 PM   #3
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Taken to Starbucks and given a pedicure.

Damn Mr. B, I've been married almost 15 years and I cannot remember my wife EVER doing anything this nice. I'd say the hell with worrying about the other man (men?), sleeping in the same bed, or having a conversation: simply agree that she'll provide you with a lifetime supply of Frappachinos and all the personal hygene you'll ever need.

Easy to Please,
Samson.
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Old 8th August 2004, 6:50 PM   #4
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Samson

Dont be a RICHARD C !

I have received a few PM's from people who wanted to know how things went. I think that its a start from my wife. She hasnt been too nice for sometime and for her to do these things felt nice. She may be all show but there has been some change. I feel that I need to keep my family together. Hold that against me.

I dont mind that you poke fun at or ridiclue me. I think it would have been nice to answer my questions! Sometimes you do make sense. Try it!
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Old 8th August 2004, 8:06 PM   #5
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Keep up that light hearted attitude.

Really workin for ya.
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Old 12th August 2004, 5:21 PM   #6
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Samson, you do have a sarcastic wit! LOL!

Mr baseball, I think Samson was was joking, but I understand that if you are hurting right now, humor isn't always easy to see. Or, maybe I'm totally off base and reading both of you differently from the way you meant.

Anyway, You are early in your counseling and it takes time to make permanent changes. I'd be more worried that if she suddenly changed everything it would be a momentary change and not a permanent one. Crash diets work for a while, but then the dieter ends up heavier than before. Changing a lifestyle takes time. She is putting forth an effort. I wish you both luck. It's not an easy road to travel, but at some point you may decide the bumps are better than highway hypnosis and end up giggling when you bounce in a rut! I hope so!
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Old 13th August 2004, 11:39 AM   #7
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Hokey- nice gyrations!

I will say "Richard" can get out of control.

My wife has been very tolerable. She told the MC that she thought last week was great with me? I didnt do anything out of the norm. She made all the adjustments that made her week great and I dont think she even realizes it. She seems to be slowly coming around.
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Old 13th August 2004, 9:43 PM   #8
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Quote:
The only thing that I cant stand is she is still going to the bars and is secretive at times.
Maybe if you'd loosen up a tad, you'd be invited to tag along?
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Old 14th August 2004, 2:55 AM   #9
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Samson

I thought you might come around.

I wish it was that easy. She goes out with are a very tight circle of females. The object is to drink and be merry without kids or the men in their lives. I stay at home with our kids. I feel its my job as a parent. I play two games of baseball one day a week. Im gone four to seven hours. She doesnt seem to handle things too well when Im gone. These kids need at least one parent but two would be nice.

Last week I started to think I will step back and take a good look. I started to Relax and come to grip that things could be done. That light hearted mind set may have worked. She seems closer to who my wife once was.
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Old 14th August 2004, 11:40 AM   #10
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I started to Relax and come to grip that things could be done. That light hearted mind set may have worked. She seems closer to who my wife once was.
Excellent!

You know, I like to go out about once or twice a week w/ buds to play pool. Its not necessarily that I must escape my kids and wife. It is because I like to play pool with my friends (although sometimes it is more to "escape").

What is so wrong with this? I certainly encourage my spouse to do the same, and I stay home with the kids, Then, whether she CHOOSES to stay at home given this option, is up to her. There is nothing more unattractive than for her to resent the freedoms that I choose to have, and that she chooses to reject. Interestingly, the resentment often manifests itself in ways similar to your own: a "holier care-giver-for-our-children than thou" attitude:

Quote:
She doesnt seem to handle things too well when Im gone. These kids need at least one parent but two would be nice.
I imagine you'd report it if the kids were being picked up by the police, hurting themselves, or others, but you didn't. I'll assume that under her care, "things" are "handled" just fine.

Now, go have a Frappachino and a pedicure: You've earned it.
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Old 15th August 2004, 1:03 AM   #11
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Hey I met her in a pool hall! I used to play/practice two to three times a week. I think that going out to do our own thing is great! The problem is I cant! She will go out two to three times a week. I refuse to leave our 2 1/2 year old with the 14 year old because it was not her idea to bring another child into this world it was ours. My 14 year old would have no problem taking care of her so both of us could go out together but my wife finds no time for that.

Today I needed to go to work for parts and drop the 14 year old off at the movies by 2:00. I left at 11:00 and by 1:50 I got a call from the wife to see when I would be home. I decided to go home. I dont think its a great idea to leave the younger child with her too long because she has no patience. That is not fair to the child. I wanted to go do more things today!

I told her early in the week that I have a two games on sunday early and needed sleep saturday night. Today she told me that her friends wanted her to go out tonight to bar hop and she did. I will be up off and on taking care of the little one until she gets home around 2:00 am. Is this fair to me? I will be gone sunday for 4 to 5 hours and she will stay in bed most of the time while Im gone. Is this fair to the kids? With the things that went on in the past I find trust a key. I was told by the 14 year old that next weekend that she plans to go to one of our metro city's and stay the night at a resort for the week end with her best friend. I guess that she will let me know last minute that next week end for me is to be the better than thou parent again! This stupid site logges me out!!!!!
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Old 15th August 2004, 11:41 AM   #12
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Today she told me that her friends wanted her to go out tonight to bar hop and she did. I will be up off and on taking care of the little one until she gets home around 2:00 am. Is this fair to me?
Ironically, while I'd be shocked if she actually did it, I'd welcome my wife's plan to go out with friends (I'd also end up at home taking care of 10, 8, 2 year olds). Big deal:

Even if she left early (8 PMish) the kids are only up until 9:30 ish. What's she missing since the kids are sleeping between 9:30 and 2AM?

Now, I do sort of agree that it's not necessary to close down the bar, causing her to sleep the next day (unless she's not leaving until midnight!). You should go with her. But why not let the 14 year old help? No, it wasn't her idea to have a sibling, anymore than it is any siblings idea, but why does this prohibit her from older sibling responsabilities: You're only asking her to watch her sister for an hour or so then put her to bed, not raise her 24/7!!!

Lighten UP, Mr Baseball, Dude! Stop breakin' your balls! Go play some 8-ball with your wife, before she finds someone else to chalk her up!
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Old 15th August 2004, 1:29 PM   #13
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Hm. A marriage in which each partner thinks the other no longer loves because each partner does what s/he wants, insisting upon the 'right' because the other does the same.

I'm pretty sure there's no relationship book in the world that recommends passive-aggressive hostility over communication.

Why is it so hard for someone to tell the person who supposedly loves them that they feel unloved?

People want to be first, best, and most important in each other's lives. They, rightly or wrongly, read baseball games and boozing it with the girls as 'more important' to the spouse than themselves. And so they strike back.

Each time the partner 'chooses' the whatever 'over' you, you get more hurt and want more to strike back. And all you do is slowly kill each other's love through death of a thousand cuts.
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Old 15th August 2004, 5:52 PM   #14
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Each time the partner 'chooses' the whatever 'over' you, you get more hurt and want more to strike back. And all you do is slowly kill each other's love through death of a thousand cuts
Yeah, a much less preferable death is having your anaconda-like spouse squeze the life-breath from you and devour you head first. All for love's sake, of course.

Even I, no great fan of the anachronistic institution, hadn't though of marriage as this horrible an alternative. Apparently, either we must choose to do EVERYTHING together for the rest of our lives or feel hurt? Good Lord......surely it cannot be this ridiculous a state of matrimony!

Mr. Baseball, you are not contemplating chaining yourself to your wife, are you?
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Old 16th August 2004, 10:08 PM   #15
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I think you missed the point. I play baseball 3 months out of the year 1 day a week for 5 hours at a time. My wife goes out to drink with her friends 3 days a week for 6 to 8 hours at a time. She may not come home some nights. I have never played ball untill 2 or 3 am or came home the next day! Her drinking only gets in my way if she isnt here or cant take care of our children when I have to do something. She is pissed if Im gone for more than two hours.

She does what she does because she likes it. She hates what I do because it gets in her way! Baseball for me is a sport. The bar is her sport. I wont get a dui behind the plate! My kids and wife can go to my games. We cant hang out with her at the bar! Who is chained to who or what?
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