I don't want to save my marriage.

[Little_Discourage]

I keep seeing all these postings on FB and around the internet about ways to save your marriage. I read things that make me feel guilty for calling it quits, for being done. Things like, "People just don't take marriage seriously anymore", etc. While I am inclined to agree with those statements, I just can't find it in myself to WANT to be married to my spouse anymore. Looking at him disgusts me. His lack of motivation and interest in myself and our children disgusts me. His, "I'll do it later" attitude disgusts me. My parents pushed me into marrying him when I was 17 as apparently that was my only option. I loved him and enjoyed being his girlfriend, but I was in no way ready to be a wife. However, pregnancy changed that and I grew up very fast.

 

7 years later and I have finally figured out that I am done. I have gone back and forth on it for over 2 years now. I've left a couple times, but been too afraid to stay gone. I have been completely dependent on this man and have been too afraid to be on my own. I don't want to fix things with him. I want this divorce over with as fast as possible. I am beyond ready to move on with my life. I have no desire to work things out with him.

 

When he is in town he asks me questions about "trying" and "working it out". I don't feel love for him. I haven't in a very long time. I am not physically or sexually attracted to him. The thought of touching him disgusts me. I don't know how to make him understand why I don't want to. I fail at explaining to him what I'm feeling and why I'm done. Explaining that I'm no longer in love with him is the hardest. Despite knowing how much he has hurt me, he still doesn't understand. I feel horrible for hurting him because I can't imagine the pain he is in and my goal is not to hurt him, but to allow him to move on and find someone that will love him back. It isn't fair for me to stay married to him out of guilt.

[M30USA]

So to recap your post, you are saying that you are utterly disgusted and unattracted to your husband because he isn't motivated and he doesn't seem interested in your kids?

[awholenewworld]

I get it. Ive been married for 18 years and I was too young. I grew up and the person I have become and the person he has become are NOT comparable at all. He is a disgusting pig and only thinks of himself. Everything he does disgusts me. There is no fixing this. He things he's perfect and above me. Forget that! I have a job, an education, and I do perfectly fine without him. He contributed nothing to Christmas this year and actually ruined everything by being rude this morning.

 

When I look at him, it disgusts me too. I get it. I really do.

[M30USA]

So far neither of you have given specific examples of behavior by your husband which warrants such extreme hostility. Sure, if he was sleeping around, abusing your children, etc. But you are talking about rude comments and mean looks? Seriously. I think you both need a little perspective. Did you expect to marry Jesus Christ?

 

For example, my sister in law refuses to speak with her own father. She hates his guts. What is her reason? Evidently he would give "lectures" to her when she got in trouble. God forbid! How dare he! So you see? Sometimes it's less about the man in your life, and more about you.

Edited December 25, 2013 by M30USA

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

So to recap your post, you are saying that you are utterly disgusted and unattracted to your husband because he isn't motivated and he doesn't seem interested in your kids?

 

Your minimising, and that's not fair to the OP.

 

Her feelings are valid. It's hard to give a crap about someone who doesn't care about you or their children even themselves. And when they are not motivated change it builds resentment, hostility and dysfunction.

 

Just how long should she bury her own feelings to stick with a lifeless, loveless marriage? sounds like OP isn't even 30 yet. Should she just kick on like that for another 50 years? Really?

[M30USA]

Your minimising, and that's not fair to the OP.

 

Her feelings are valid. It's hard to give a crap about someone who doesn't care about you or their children even themselves. And when they are not motivated change it builds resentment, hostility and dysfunction.

 

Just how long should she bury her own feelings to stick with a lifeless, loveless marriage? sounds like OP isn't even 30 yet. Should she just kick on like that for another 50 years? Really?

 

You're missing my point. It's very well possible that their husbands are bad husbands in the exact regard they claim. But I haven't seen any evidence yet. Someone can say "I feel" all they want. Feelings can be correct or incorrect. If they provide some legitimate examples of HOW their husbands have SHOWN they don't care, then that's fine. So far I haven't heard any. I'm only saying this because sometimes a person who is empty and toxic, themselves, will say that nobody cares about them, nobody does this or that. I've seen many cases where that happens and, honestly, the husband works his ass off and does his best to be a sensitive husband. It's called setting the bar so high that no man can meet it.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're missing my point. It's very well possible that their husbands are bad husbands in the exact regard they claim. But I haven't seen any evidence yet. Someone can say "I feel" all they want. Feelings can be correct or incorrect. If they provide some legitimate examples of HOW their husbands have SHOWN they don't care, then that's fine. So far I haven't heard any. I'm only saying this because sometimes a person who is empty and toxic, themselves, will say that nobody cares about them, nobody does this or that. I've seen many cases where that happens and, honestly, the husband works his ass off and does his best to be a sensitive husband. It's called setting the bar so high that no man can meet it.

 

I tend to agree with you.

 

However, being married at 17 is a huge kneecap to ones social and relational development.

 

God, if I married the boyfriend I had at 17, well, actually forget it. I probably would've been in a more stable relationship.

 

Well, honestly I would've been divorced by now.

 

OP, how many times have you actually separated and for how long?

 

And how familiar is your husband with your complaints?

 

Although, I'll say that I knew it was over completely when my ex's touch made my skin crawl. Of course I was 19 at the time. But I'm not sure much could've reversed that.

 

So what makes you think you can stay gone now? As opposed to before?

 

I also agree that your husband deserves a wife that is interested in him.

 

It also sounds like your decision is solidly made. Or are you venting?

[M30USA]

Dreaming,

 

My ex wife also said that I made her "skin crawl". I'm still trying to figure out what I did to make her feel that way. I'm sure you know my story about me being assaulted and crap. She never apologized for that. And it wasn't the first time. Yet she still managed to say in divorce court that I made her "skin crawl". Perhaps you could shed some light on this?

[Little_Discourage]

So to recap your post, you are saying that you are utterly disgusted and unattracted to your husband because he isn't motivated and he doesn't seem interested in your kids?

 

Those are a couple of reasons that disgust me, yes. My children are two of the most important things to me and the fact that their own father doesn't care much for them is disgusting to me. I think it's a pretty valid reason to feel "disgusted" by someone. But no, this goes much deeper. I wanted to vent without pulling every single detail of my marriage out. I understand if that bothers you, but I prefer to keep some details of my life private.

[Little_Discourage]

I tend to agree with you.

 

However, being married at 17 is a huge kneecap to ones social and relational development.

 

God, if I married the boyfriend I had at 17, well, actually forget it. I probably would've been in a more stable relationship.

 

Well, honestly I would've been divorced by now.

 

OP, how many times have you actually separated and for how long?

 

And how familiar is your husband with your complaints?

 

Although, I'll say that I knew it was over completely when my ex's touch made my skin crawl. Of course I was 19 at the time. But I'm not sure much could've reversed that.

 

So what makes you think you can stay gone now? As opposed to before?

 

I also agree that your husband deserves a wife that is interested in him.

 

It also sounds like your decision is solidly made. Or are you venting?

 

Before I felt like I could salvage what love was left in my marriage. I listened to his promises to stop drinking and treating me the way he does. His promises to be more involved and to help out with our children and our home. After another year of listening to this, trying to help him, not leaving him because I was afraid if I gave up on him, he'd just give up on himself, I woke up and realized I didn't want to do it anymore.

 

I waited a few months before telling him how I felt because I wanted to be certain. When my feelings didn't change or waiver, no matter what the circumstance, I knew I was done. Even after telling him my decision, nothing has changed. He tries the same promises and pleads, but he has done nothing to really show any improvements or change. I've asked him throughout the years what I can do to help him. I've done research, gone to therapists, etc.

 

After being treated the way I have been, there just isn't love for him anymore. I don't think he is a bad person whatsoever. I think he has made some very poor decisions (who hasn't?) and it has impacted not only myself but our children, our friends, and our families.

[M30USA]

Those are a couple of reasons that disgust me, yes. My children are two of the most important things to me and the fact that their own father doesn't care much for them is disgusting to me. I think it's a pretty valid reason to feel "disgusted" by someone. But no, this goes much deeper. I wanted to vent without pulling every single detail of my marriage out. I understand if that bothers you, but I prefer to keep some details of my life private.

 

People have different definitions of what "care" means. Does he provide for them? Is he a good role model? Does he protect them? Does he spend time with them--even if not as much as you require and in the exact way that you want?

[oldshirt]

 

. My children are two of the most important things to me and the fact that their own father doesn't care much for them is disgusting to me. .

 

Remember father's are not mothers. If you are using yourself as the standard, no father will measure up because you are trying to compare Apple's to Ford's. Mothers and fathers have different roles and responsibilities and different methods of showing love and devotion.

 

Is he working and providing an income? Providing insurance? Proving protection and guidance? Does he instill discipline, justice and fair play?

 

I'm not saying divorce is wrong for you per se, I'm just saying if you are judging his ability as a father based on what you do as a mother, you are way off-base and judging him unfairly.

[oldshirt]

Wait, aren't you the same person that posted about your boyfriend that you've been with for six months and have "amazing sex" with????

 

No wonder you don't hold your husband in much esteem or show him any respect or support or appreciation of his domestic and fathering abilities.

 

Remind us why he shouldn't divorce you on the spot and move on so he can find a decent loving partner who will respect and treat him honorably????

[cozycottagelg]

As a mother who spends nearly all of her time with her children and has a husband, who until VERY recently never did a thing with her or the kids, I resent the fact that you think being a good provider or having insurance is a good enough quality. Big whoop!!!

 

BE THERE. BE PRESENT, outside of the home. It's EASY to be awesome in the small 4 walls of your own house. Be there OUTSIDE of the house. Don't make your wife have to answer the question "hey where's ______" every single time she goes to an event because he never comes!!!!!

 

I don't know the OP's back story, but it is HARD to stay in love with someone who can't be bothered to go places with their kids. It is a huge turn off.

 

And it is so easy to be resentful when you've just attended an event with your children and you are tired and irritated and maybe they've thrown a tantrum and you walk in the door and it's "daddy daddy daddy!" and he's fully refreshed and ready to play. EFF YOU ..is what I want to say. EFF YOU FOR NOT GOING WITH ME.

 

Yeah... I can totally see where the OP is at...

 

My husband literally thought because he didn't cheat on me or beat me that he was a fantastic husband. Sorry, those are givens...those aren't "extras"...ugghhhhhhh.

 

I've spent 4 days with inlaws..I might be a bit on a crabby side..sorry to threadjack.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming,

 

My ex wife also said that I made her "skin crawl". I'm still trying to figure out what I did to make her feel that way. I'm sure you know my story about me being assaulted and crap. She never apologized for that. And it wasn't the first time. Yet she still managed to say in divorce court that I made her "skin crawl". Perhaps you could shed some light on this?

 

I'm honestly not sure how much light I could shed.

 

But my understanding is that your ex-wife is BPD. So that helps because during that time I was in active BPD and no matter what miserable crap I've been through relationally since, no one has ever produced that effect in me.

 

As I'm sure you know BPD people are extremely hypersensitive to relational stress. They are both triggered by getting "too close" and being abandoned.

It's a life of Hell. Both states produce what I can only describe as "emotional flooding." Intense, uncontrollable raw emotion that just can't be internally channelled.

 

Well after 1.5 years with my boyfriend, (this next part is in hindsight) we had fought so much, but not broken up permanently etc. I was in a rather constant storm of him being around but not committing in a way that could ever be satisfactory. (Ugh. The BPD urge to merge was so strong back then it actually turns my stomach a little just to go back there in memory). Anyhow, he couldn't possibly been "enough" for me to feel wanted/accepted/sexual/pretty/okay with myself because BPD people think that comes from the OUTSIDE not the inside, usually from having childhoods with nil security and power and then having the trauma and emotional flooding from that afterward.

 

Anyhow, he wasn't "staying enough" and he wasn't "going away" but he was so clingy that I felt like he needed me just to survive and I was drowning myself. By that point the feel-good/love-high chemicals were wearing off and since I couldn't form a more permanent emotional attachment to him (he was also very childlike, I was too don't get me wrong, but he used to watch Pokemon. At 23. And cry if he didn't get his way. I couldn't "control" him. He couldn't stand up to me. I was easily bored. And he was still there.)

 

I didn't like him anymore but I couldn't hurt him. So I went along with it. And then somewhere far past my limit I couldn't do it anymore because it made my skin crawl. That was how far I pushed myself.

 

Now M30USA, I was 19 when it ended. Jeez, maybe even 18.

And most of the sentences and clips you see above arent really a great a laborious logical explanation for the phenomenon. I am blessed with a pretty excellent memory of what I was thinking and feeling at the time. I can honestly say I didn't out very much thought into the relationship or what my boyfriend might have been experiencing. It was only my own emotional context that I was aware of. And I use the term "aware" loosely.

 

Often my relationships started off feeling as though they were the most brilliant fantasy. Then as the left lobe kicked in and started creating *gasp* memories with the other human being, I (hindsight here) would find myself tolerating the actual human and trying to be in the fantasy for as long as possible. Then when the "high" of the fantasy broke down it was very disappointing, devastating. Because you think you finally "have it" but it's just as bad as all of the others. Then you try to get your partner to behave as the fantasy image you had of them. Always supporting you, always there for your pain and realizing that you love them and are dependent on them SO SO much that if you screw up it's only because "you are in pain" but if they screw up "they let the whole fantasy crumble."

 

I tolerated the "person" I didn't like for so long to get back to the fantasy that somewhere along the way my body realized that the drug was used up and he repulsed me. When I clipped him, I think I looked back once. But that was only because my next relationship was crumbling and I thought it was karma for hiw I treated him. He warily forgave me and we hung up the phone.

 

Hope that helps.

[stillafool]

No OP I don't think you should try to save your marriage. Why? You have already moved on to another guy. Divorce and be done with it.

[dreamingoftigers]

My in-laws have that magical ability too.

 

It's actually pretty diabolical. You get to see where every trait that irritates and pisses you off about your mate came from. In stereo. Over dinner.

 

Whose brilliant idea was the "holiday get together" anyhow?

 

As a mother who spends nearly all of her time with her children and has a husband, who until VERY recently never did a thing with her or the kids, I resent the fact that you think being a good provider or having insurance is a good enough quality. Big whoop!!!

 

BE THERE. BE PRESENT, outside of the home. It's EASY to be awesome in the small 4 walls of your own house. Be there OUTSIDE of the house. Don't make your wife have to answer the question "hey where's ______" every single time she goes to an event because he never comes!!!!!

 

I don't know the OP's back story, but it is HARD to stay in love with someone who can't be bothered to go places with their kids. It is a huge turn off.

 

And it is so easy to be resentful when you've just attended an event with your children and you are tired and irritated and maybe they've thrown a tantrum and you walk in the door and it's "daddy daddy daddy!" and he's fully refreshed and ready to play. EFF YOU ..is what I want to say. EFF YOU FOR NOT GOING WITH ME.

 

Yeah... I can totally see where the OP is at...

 

My husband literally thought because he didn't cheat on me or beat me that he was a fantastic husband. Sorry, those are givens...those aren't "extras"...ugghhhhhhh.

 

I've spent 4 days with inlaws..I might be a bit on a crabby side..sorry to threadjack.

[oldshirt]

As a mother who spends nearly all of her time with her children and has a husband, who until VERY recently never did a thing with her or the kids, I resent the fact that you think being a good provider or having insurance is a good enough quality. Big whoop!!!

 

BE THERE. BE PRESENT, outside of the home. It's EASY to be awesome in the small 4 walls of your own house. Be there OUTSIDE of the house. Don't make your wife have to answer the question "hey where's ______" every single time she goes to an event because he never comes!!!!!

 

I don't know the OP's back story, but it is HARD to stay in love with someone who can't be bothered to go places with their kids. It is a huge turn off.

 

And it is so easy to be resentful when you've just attended an event with your children and you are tired and irritated and maybe they've thrown a tantrum and you walk in the door and it's "daddy daddy daddy!" and he's fully refreshed and ready to play. EFF YOU ..is what I want to say. EFF YOU FOR NOT GOING WITH ME.

 

Yeah... I can totally see where the OP is at...

 

My husband literally thought because he didn't cheat on me or beat me that he was a fantastic husband. Sorry, those are givens...those aren't "extras"...ugghhhhhhh.

 

I've spent 4 days with inlaws..I might be a bit on a crabby side..sorry to threadjack.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from and understand how resentments build up. But my point still stands on its own merits, you can't judge fathers by using mothers measuring sticks.

 

Society has absolutely raised the bar for father involvement and countless father's need to step it up (myself included) but we need to always remember that father's are not mothers and have different roles and responsibilities and need to be judged by father standards and not by mother standards.

 

In our grandmother's time and for millions of years prior that, fathers that came home at the end of the work day, weren't drunk, weren't abusive, paid the bills, provided for the child's health, safety, well-being, disciple etc, and interacted personally with the young children AT ALL were the absolute cream of the crop.

 

The best father on the planet is not a mother and can't be graded using a mother's grading scale.

[cozycottagelg]

I understand where you are coming from and understand how resentments build up. But my point still stands on its own merits, you can't judge fathers by using mothers measuring sticks.

 

Society has absolutely raised the bar for father involvement and countless father's need to step it up (myself included) but we need to always remember that father's are not mothers and have different roles and responsibilities and need to be judged by father standards and not by mother standards.

 

In our grandmother's time and for millions of years prior that, fathers that came home at the end of the work day, weren't drunk, paid the bills, provided for the child's health, safety, well-being, disciple etc, and interacted personally with the young children AT ALL were the absolute cream of the crop.

 

The best father on the planet is not a mother and can't be graded using a mother's grading scale.

 

I understand that, and I give men a ton of credit when they step up their game. And had my standards been high I could see how easily it would be disappointed, but I keep my expectations very low, and still continued to be disappointed.

 

Also, I am not sure of your situation, but we don't live in our grandparents time. Most women of that era didn't work. I work. I deal with more stress at my job than my husband does, I work as hard as he does, and I still have to do way more at home. You can't really use that as an example anymore. I suppose if I was a SAHM I could use the provider as a favorable quality...but I work hard too.

[familygone]

I understand where you are coming from and understand how resentments build up. But my point still stands on its own merits, you can't judge fathers by using mothers measuring sticks.

 

Society has absolutely raised the bar for father involvement and countless father's need to step it up (myself included) but we need to always remember that father's are not mothers and have different roles and responsibilities and need to be judged by father standards and not by mother standards.

 

In our grandmother's time and for millions of years prior that, fathers that came home at the end of the work day, weren't drunk, weren't abusive, paid the bills, provided for the child's health, safety, well-being, disciple etc, and interacted personally with the young children AT ALL were the absolute cream of the crop.

 

The best father on the planet is not a mother and can't be graded using a mother's grading scale.

 

 

I agree with old shirt" that men are not women and we think different,then women.I am not saying that all men are the same in all marriages.It seemed like in mine that i had to do everything i could just right! Right now its like i feel i did it and i dont want to get hurt again by another women,not saying there all like her.Know what i mean.

[cozycottagelg]

I agree with old shirt" that men are not women and we think different,then women.I am not saying that all men are the same in all marriages.It seemed like in mine that i had to do everything i could just right! Right now its like i feel i did it and i dont want to get hurt again by another women,not saying there all like her.Know what i mean.

 

I understand. And I'm certainly not saying or attacking you or Old Shirt either. You could be perfectly wonderful husbands who really truly did do enough, or more so. I was just using my own marriage as an example.

[oldshirt]

Now to Little_Discourage and your actual issues. Is your husband even aware of your affair?

 

Whether he is or isn't, either way you may be too far gone to work this out. Amicable divorce with fair and cooperative coparenting May very well be your best option.

 

I'm assuming you are in your 20s so you each have a lot of your lives ahead of you. As long as you can work together to coparent effectively and as long as neither of you are out to exploit or hurt the other in the divorce it will likely be easier and less work and less angst to just cut losses and move on.

 

Just remember that while you are full of love and sex hormones from another man, your husband will always pale by comparison. It's easy to see him as lesser when someone new is loving you up. The bad news here is those new love/sex hormones will wear off quickly and this new guy will start to look less and less thrilling too.

 

No other man will ever love and be devoted to your children as you think they should and unless your husband is truly an alcoholic and an actual abusive narcicist, no man will ever love them like their own father.

 

Other men will only act like they love them to get in your pants and once that thrill has wore off, your kids will only be a source of irritation and sacrifice for them.

 

The best that you can hope for is another man will accept, respect and tolerate them enough that he will develop some true fondness for them over time, but they will never love and devote themselves to them more than their own father.

 

(Acception being if your husband is truly an alcoholic, abusive or indulging in actual endangering neglect. In other words, if DHS would find his behavior neglectful on investigation.)

[cozycottagelg]

 

Other men will only act like they love them to get in your pants and once that thrill has wore off, your kids will only be a source of irritation and sacrifice for them.

 

The best that you can hope for is another man will accept, respect and tolerate them enough that he will develop some true fondness for them over time, but they will never love and devote themselves to them more than their own father.

 

 

I agree with most of your post, except this. I would hope there are men who can step up to the plate and give a single mom better than what you are describing here. That is horrible. And furthermore, it doesn't excuse her feelings or her current husbands history and behavior.

[Halifax]

 

My husband literally thought because he didn't cheat on me or beat me that he was a fantastic husband. Sorry, those are givens...those aren't "extras"...ugghhhhhhh.

 

I must say that some women seem to want disneys prince charming. A guy who will work hard to provide and also spend every night after he comes home tired from work making sure his wife is pampered so she wont leave him.

 

FYI a husband who doesnt cheat and doesnt beat you and also provides for his family is indeed a given, but also very rare now a days and you should be very grateful to have someone like that.

[cozycottagelg]

I must say that some women seem to want disneys prince charming. A guy who will work hard to provide and also spend every night after he comes home tired from work making sure his wife is pampered so she wont leave him.

 

FYI a husband who doesnt cheat and doesnt beat you and also provides for his family is indeed a given, but also very rare now a days and you should be very grateful to have someone like that.

 

I don't want Prince Charming. I wanted a husband who enjoyed spending time with me and our kids BEFORE I got too fed up to care. That's all. I wasn't even looking to be pampered. Just to be taken seriously, that's all.