My wife left, but says she still loves me

[blue636]

Hello all, this is my first post here. My wife has left me and I feel miserable, I'm sure many of you can relate. On Sunday, August 1st, while I was taking an afternoon nap I woke up and she was gone with our 16-month-old daughter.

 

A few days later she tells me through an e-mail that she still loves me but she needed time away for herself, and she was hoping that I'll soon realize I need this time, too. She says ending the marriage is not what she wants but it's what she needs. She also said that in time, we can start seeing one another again and work on building a new relationship as a family. Then she finishes it off with a "I love you, I miss you, I still care about you, you'll always have a place in my heart" type scenario.

 

She wants to start fresh and new. She wants to start "dating" again because that's what she enjoyed most about the early parts of our relationship. She's even set a date, February 7th, 2005. That is A TERRIBLY LONG TIME FROM NOW!!! Well, for some of you it may not be, but for me it is. She wants to go out on a date and take it from there.

 

In May of this year we had to make a terrible decision, that was to terminate her 5-1/2 month pregnancy at the suggestion of our doctor. Her pregnancy had become high-risk and all the sac fluid had leaked out. If she were to continue the pregnancy then she faced the risk of infection and a potentially fatal one, too. I was by her side the entire time. Then we induced labor and she gave birth to a dead baby - we had a formal burial/funeral and everything. At this point, she began to shut me out of her life and I could not give her the emotional support she needed. She did not want to discuss her feelings and I was definitely not going to try to force it out of her. It all went downhill from there as we began to argue about everything - even what we'd eat for dinner!

 

Anyhow, we had one rather heated argument about who knows what at this point and her nosy aunt decided to get involved. That was bad news as her involvement just got nasty. I hate when people butt their noses into others' business. At any rate, we fought about why her aunt got involved with us last Saturday and I think that's the reason she finally decided to leave. After months of arguing and hurtful things said, I believe it was the last straw.

 

At any rate, here I am. She still loves me and seems to genuinely care about me. I love her just as much and she was right about one thing, our daughter has created a bond between us that can never be broken. She said we need to keep our love for one another alive throughout this whole thing so we can one day be a family again. If that were so, why did she file and sign the divorce papers? My father-in-law or soon to be ex-father-in-law says that in order for there to be a new beginning there needs to be an end.

 

How can she end the 3 years of joy we had together? Given what I have said about my wife, do any of you think that getting back together is even a possibility? She gave my father-in-law her word that she doesn't intend to see anyone else and she never did, she'd tell me that I was her only guy and she was not interested in other men. I am not interested in seeing or dating other women, either - my wife is the only woman for me.

 

What do you all think? What should I do or what can I possibly do to make sure I don't ruin any future chances with her? My biggest regret was that we did not seek counseling while we were still together, but there's no sense dwelling in the past.

 

Thanks all.

[frogprinz29]

Hey,

 

Sorry that you're going through a tough time. I think Feb. 7th, 2005 might as well be an eternity if I were in your shoes. I don't know about the counseling. To me counseling is a hit or miss or trial and error thing. All parties have to be willing to really participate and be good with communicating with each other and want to work things out.

 

I've trying to work through a the end of a 9 year relationship with a woman whom I still love and care for dearly. Unfortunately our love for each other wasn't strong enough for us to get through our issues. If the two of you are still keeping a good line of communication open, then may I suggest a book that I've come across. I'm learning some things from it, and I wish my 'ex' and I had it when we were working on our problems. I don't mean to advertise, but it's helping me understand how to communicate better with a partner. Just thought I'd run it by ya. The book is called "Smart Listening for Couples" by Nancy Van Pelt. It's on Amazon.com for a reasonably inexpensive price. Good luck and take care.

[rogueless]

This may sound ugly, but its what came to mind as I read your post. Does her "love" for you entail the need for you to support her financially until say February 2005? Her actions do not match her words. Something stinks. If "dating" was the real issue, she could "date" you, the one she SAYS she loves. In my personal opinion, meaning I could be wrong here, it appears to me, she is only using you for some reason. She is playing on your emotions and its working.

[blue636]

Thanks for the book suggestion, frogprinz, I'll look into it.

 

Rogueless, I believe in what she's saying and she's definitely not "using" me. She's got a multi-millionaire daddy and she could definitely do without me for the rest of her life. In her own words, "...we need to keep our love for one another alive through all this".

 

Maybe I'll post a copy of her e-mail to me later.

[rogueless]

Okay, knowing that it is not for financial reasons, perhaps she is genuine. She may trully love you. I'll take another jab at it. Maybe she loves you dearly, as a best friend, since you have history together. Perhaps she doesn't want to lose that friendship, but is not "in" love with you. It is in the best interest of children for parents to get along. This seldom happens, but maybe in your case it will. It is poosible to love someone and not be in love. Is she depressed? This can make one lose interest in things they previously enjoyed doing. Good luck

[blue636]

I believe you may be right about that. She says she does love me and she always wants me to be part of her life, you know, the whole "You'll always have a place in my heart" type of thing. Maybe the reason why she wants to start dating again is to see if we'll fall in love again, but I wonder why she also said that we need to build a new relationship as a family.

 

At any rate, the reason why she chose such a random date is not really quite random. My in-laws own 40 acres of land in Northern California near Humboldt and they are heading up there in a few months. She loves it up there, no heat, no smog, no fast city hustle and bustle. They'll be coming back around January or early February which is, from what my father-in-law tells me, why she chose that particular date. I just don't understand, it doesn't sound like her to do something like this.

[Mr baseball]

Blue

 

I think this very deep! More than you think. You both have a very black spot in your relationship. This is one that may take lifetime to go away. I think she wants to "END" that part in her life. She wants to set back,take a break and adjust in her own way for the loss of the child. There may be something to what her dad had stated. I could see her wanting to make the past the past and start fresh on a new future with you.

[blue636]

Originally posted by Mr baseball

Blue

 

I could see her wanting to make the past the past and start fresh on a new future with you.

 

 

 

That's exactly what she wants. The main reason I'm on here is for advice. What should I do so that I don't screw up my chances! It's only been a week, but I feel that I made the biggest mistakes the first two days she was gone... I tried DESPARATELY to try to get her back! Now I understand that is the WRONG THING TO DO!!!

 

At any rate, she says that while we spend this time apart we need to "keep our love for one another alive" so that when we start seeing one another again we can build a NEW relationship as a FAMILY. Whatever the hell al of that means.

 

So, what should I do for now so that I don't fudge it all up???

 

Thanks in advance!

 

-Marc

[Mr baseball]

I know exactly where you are at. I cant do anything good in my relationship. I would go to a counselor. I would see if she would be willing to go where she is living. I think you should give her space, love and support. I would not smother her or loose patience. Dont cross the lines that she draws! Let her do that! You need to let her come to you. I dont think she will be gone too long.

[blue636]

Thanks for the positive tips. I will definitely see a personal counselor because my wife says she's not quite ready for marriage counseling. My mother spoke with my father-in-law today and they say that my wife just needs time to get herself together and she also wants time to see if I'm willing to spend the next few weeks/months making changes for myself. I will definitely try restraining myself from smothering her with love and getting on her back but it will be tough. I need to see a counselor immediately.

[frogprinz29]

Hey,

 

I'll second Mr. Baseball's advice about giving her space, love, and support. She already knows that you love her and want to be with her, and would do just about anything in the world to prove it. I was wondering about the changes she wants to see if you could make.

 

, not sure if I put this quote thing in right. It's new to me.

 

Not to delve or get into too much of your personal stuff, but it seems like part of your success at building a NEW relationship as a family is partly contingent on your success at changing things about yourself. Are you clear as to what those changes are? My "ex" and I were stubborn to changes but we were able to compromise on some things. Has she given you any insight as to how to

as you said. She seems to have set some rules and goals for you, but this is a task for the two of you to work out as partners. Just wondered if these are smoke screens to just keep you occupied. I don't mean to throw a twist in this but, isn't marriage for better or for worse?

 

You guys did suffer a great loss, and I am sorry for you loss, but you guys still have a little gem to take care of. You daughter needs to have both mom and dad. Just be strong man and just show em that you be the best husband and father out there. Just give her the space she has asked for but keep the lines of communication open in a positive manner. Don't forget the important dates and holidays that you guys are sharing in your relationship.

[frogprinz29]

bah, I did mess up the quoting thing. sorry. I think I figured it out. I meant to quote "she also wants time to see if I'm willing to spend the next few weeks/months making changes for myself"

[blue636]

Well, if marriage was truly for "better or worse" then divorce probably wouldn't exist. Anyhow, she says she can't live with me right now and she needs time away, so my first goal is to re-establish communication when she's ready.

 

In order for me to re-gain her trust, I will need to go to counseling and make certain changes with myself and my life in order for her to see the man she once fell in love with so that we can rebuild our family like she has said.

 

I've changed a lot since I got married, I just want her to see that I'm still the man she fell in love with and the one she decided to marry. I've just gotta take all that "bad" things that became of me throughout our marriage and revert back to the "good" guy she loved and adored most. It will be good for both of us, and I realize it will take a while.

[blue636]

Another problem is I'm an emotional mess right now, a rollercoaster, if you will. It seems that every other hour I'm in between loving her deeply and hating her passionately. I mean, she wants to start dating 6 months from now but what kills me the most is that it may or may not happen depending on how her feelings change the next few months. She may want to see me sooner or later, or possibly never again. She may also start dating me and we could possibly never become a couple again.

 

The uncertainty is driving me insane.

[frogprinz29]

know exactly how your feelin'. That roller coaster takes you on one hell of a ride. Those downward plunges get longer, harder to take, and throws you for a loop. You just gotta take the hits and keep standin', or make yourself get up cuz you won't accomplish anything stayin' down. Keep in touch with your friends and family. Don't forget that you gotta keep yourself together for your daughter's sake.

[overseas2004]

All I will say is that is very common for a woman to leave her husband after she has lost a child. Sometimes to come back and sometimes never to come back.

 

I think you should pray for the best but continue to live your life as best you can. In other words dont hold your breath.

 

Regards,

 

Overseas 2004

[blue636]

Well, I'm certainly learning or at least trying to be patient. I'm not necessarily holding my breath but I'm hoping against hope that she will come back to me. I love her and she has even made it absolutely clear to her parents that she has no intentions of dating or seeing other people.

 

What's with the deal with her wanting to "date" me again and start all over??? *SIGH* I'm a one-legged man trying to kick ass in an uphill battle.

[blue636]

Hmmm, update on things...

 

My wife is going to go see the same psychologist/therapist that I'm seeing. I wonder what compelled her to agree with that (I had suggested it). Maybe it's because I told her that the psychologist thinks this is a marriage that can be saved. I hope he's right, and I hope she listens, and I hope he tells her all the right things.

 

This is the worst birthday I've ever had in my life.

[frogprinz29]

It's an encouraging sign that she's gonna seek counseling with you, let alone the same one.

 

I feel ya on the birthday. My last birthday, my girlfriend and I broke up and by the late afternoon I had moved out and given her my key. My birthday wish was wanting to turn back time so that I could fix our prob's and still be with her. Do birthday wishes work if you don't have a cake and candles?

[blue636]

Well, I'm not up for wishes and stuff right now. It's just hoping for nothing almost at this point.

 

At any rate, she's going to be seeing the counselor/therapist separately. From there I have no idea what will happen.

[blue636]

A quick little update...

 

I'm dying here. The uncertainty is filling my mind as soon as I begin thinking positive things. This roller coaster ride is getting worse and worse.

 

My wife told my father-in-law that she still loves me, but when he asked her if she was still IN LOVE with me she said she didn't know. What is going to become of this? I don't want our marriage to end because of some thoughtless actions.

[frogprinz29]

The rollercoaster ride is a tough test. I think being "In Love" is a dynamic emotion or state. Couples fall in and out of love with each other constantly in the relationship, but they will always love and care for one another. Try not to despair too much. For one she her reply was "don't know". Her life is filled with uncertainty right now in the beginning of all this too. Hang in there. Take things a day at a time. Be greatful for makin' it through everyday.

 

I sent the book I mentioned to you to my "ex", just because. I sent her an e-mail to let her know. I thought it would help her reflect on our relationship and how things went wrong and how we may have been able to fix it...and perhaps apply it to her next relationship (didn't want to think about this last one). She also enjoys astrology. Yesterday, I sent her a friendly text message mentioning the Perseids meteor shower last night. It was to be at its peak and beautiful to watch. I was wondering if she was going to watch it. I have had no return response from her on either occassion. These are not good signs to me. I strongly believe that my rollercoaster ride is about over if not already. I just have to get my butt out of the seat...

[TempSain]

I just started to read this thread and thought of something else.

 

Are you guys young?

Did you get married in early 20's?

It just seems weird that she filed for divorce instead of just leaving you for awhile.

Actually filing for a divorce is a big step.

You mention that she wants to have the feeling that she had while dating.

Seems like she wants to be a kid, with no attachements. Maybe even go back to the party/clubbing life.

If she married young and never had a chance to do this, she may want to do it now before its too late.

 

1 word of advice, from what you have written, its really not your fault.

You were always there for her and she decided to leave. So, try to focus on yourself.

There is no guarantee that she will come back to you. Improve yourself so that if she doesnt come back, you can move on.

 

Best of luck,

[blue636]

This is an apology I wrote to my wife today, exactly 2 weeks after she'd left me - please tell me if it is bad or good:

 

Michelle, my love, in all the letters I've sent you and all we've communicated I never truly apologized to you. I feel that now is the best time for me to offer that apology. Michelle, I am truly and deeply sorry for ever hurting you and your feelings. It was never my intention to ever do that to you and now I regret it very much. That night we tangled and we were on the floor you sat up and put your arms around me and I almost cried. I never want to do anything like that or close to it ever again.

 

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive my angry outburst. The reason I began to feel that way that evening was because I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore, and I was very afraid to lose you. I made a mistake and now I have lost you. It's true that I never realized what I had until it's gone, now what scares me the most is I don't know if you will ever come back to me. I love you so dearly and I do not want to let some thoughtless actions ruin the beautiful times we had together. You and I were so madly in love with each other and that's why we made the choice to spend the rest of our lives together. I never wanted to ruin that and so that is one of the reasons why I offer this apology.

 

The counseling will begin to change me. I can already feel, in just these last two weeks, that I've been changing and becoming a more positive person. Patience is something I've been gradually and slowly learning as well. I know that I can be a really good husband and father - I've been doing a lot of reading and research about it. I'm really looking forward to what counseling can do for me so that I might have the chance to make it up to you and Mila.

 

In the end, I know the damage I caused can never be reversed. I cry when I think about what I did and how it ruined our beautiful marriage to each other. Forgiveness is not something I am asking of you, but I do want you to know that I apologize to you deeply, sincerely, and with all my heart and soul - because I love you.

 

Love,

Marc

[TempSain]

Is there something that you did so aweful that you had to write an apology?

Something you left out?

 

Maybe there is more to her side of the story than what your telling us.