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separated and want to reconcile


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I have been separated from my wife for 8 mts. now after a 17 years marriage. She was the one walking out after finding out she had an affair with another married but separated man. The present situation is that there is no communication between us for the past month. we have 1 daughter together she is 22 yrs. She communicate with our daughter but will not talk about our situation to noone. My intention is to leave her alone given the fact that I will like to reconcile. My question is how to do this when there is no communication and when you do not know what the other may be thinking about the relationship- By the way we at no time even before the separation talk about divorce

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Olivia_19742004
The present situation is that there is no communication between us for the past month

 

Did you agree to not have any communication? What were the terms of the separation when she left?

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When she left she said many things some of which I dont remember we were fighting at the time- however I do remember that she said it had nothing to do with a man- a few moths later I learnt she was living with the guy- we were talking then she said to me she was not living with him ????-The communication ceased when we had a fight on the phone a month ago- All during the pre-separation period we never adjust our problem in any serious way we have never sought counselling at any time. Now I will like to at least sugest hat but no communication- In our last conversation on the phone she was very upset and said to me don't even try to contact me- I decided then not to .

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Olivia_19742004

Know her address? Send her a letter.. Tell her how you feel. What you'd like to happen. What you can handle and what you can't handle. Be honest with her. Just tell her where your heart is. It may change things, it may change nothing. At least you'd be able to say you did all you could do.

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OK-The last thing I want to do is to try something that will make things worst I was thinking that since she was the one who say I should not contact her then I should not. I love my wife so much that I think I could let her go gain the experience she never had I will take the pain once I know she will be back -sound funny well thats the kind of guy I am- when we got maried she was 17, I was 24. She is a stubborn woman I am calm- She is one of those who act and then think and she knows I love her-I just think she is playing the fool- You know she spoke to our daughter and she will not even ask how I am doing? Right now I avoid her but it is burning inside to know what's going on with her. I cannot even sleep but I am not calling her or I dont think I should write to her I simply know that after 17 years she knows how I feel about her- I displayed nothing more to her but love. maybe too much. You know what she said to me she grew out of love -what do you think of that? My answer to her is that you have never adjust the question why and what you could do to help you recover that love is separation the answer and why are you seeing another man.

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Doesn't sound like your wife wants to get back with you.

Seems like her priority is with the new guy.

 

Do you really want her back?

If you do, you may only have to act like your not interested in her.

Go out and date other women and tell your daughter about it.

Make it seem like your busy and not really interested in getting back with your soon to be ex.

Word will reach her and she will be interested again. Of course this is not guaranteed but then, I really think you should plan for YOUR future and not wait on her. Spend the time to really meet other people and get back into shape. Working out can help reduce stress and gives you confidence, you can feel good about yourself.

If things work out with the wife, great but if it doesn't you will be ready for the next one.

 

Best of luck.

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While I am willing to accept that advice, I have also listen to others who said to me that she maybe going through a time of her life in which she maybe confuse about what she wants- give her some time to see what she will do was other advice- In the past anything I do she used it against me-She also said that I should not tell anyone-That we were not separated but living apart she insisted that we file our taxes as married not separated-She use to visit occasionally until the last fight as a matter of fact we continued to have sex until the last incident- What caused the last fight that stop the communication is that the other man who is also married his wife called me and we both exchanged information about what my wife was doing and her husband was doing which was similar. The man found out and I discovered he was on the phone listening to my wife when she was talking to me- I believed she has to convince him the what he found out was not true- I also believe she may of lied to him about our relationship-By the way this man was charged for assaulting his wife and was forced to live apart from her. The are still married and still see each other.

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Olivia_19742004
What caused the last fight that stop the communication is that the other man who is also married his wife called me and we both exchanged information about what my wife was doing and her husband was doing which was similar. The man found out and I discovered he was on the phone listening to my wife when she was talking to me- I believed she has to convince him the what he found out was not true-

 

Huh? What were you saying on the phone to your wife when he was supposedly listening in? And why would she have him to that?

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Do you have any b@lls left?

 

I don't think I can think about getting back together with a woman that is living and having sex with another man even if I still loved her. Have some self respect. What is so wrong about going to the gym and getting back in shape? And it's ok for her to have sex with others while it's not ok for you to date? Is your self esteem that low? Do you have to really think about every action and how she will react to it? Doesn't sound like a real relationship in my book.

 

I am not trying to attack you here, but you sound like a beaten dog.

You deserve better as a person. If this is what you have to look forward to then your not normal.

There is nothing wrong letting go and finding a new relationship.

I know it's hard to do. Maybe you think its even impossible but if you don't find another relationship what's so bad about living alone?

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Well at present I am living alone, I am also seeing other women and dating, however I do this just to take my mind off what is taking place- Again I find it very hard to do so having been used to her for such a long time- The pain of what happened still remain with me and wonder if she will ever come to understand what she did or doing.

 

Anyhow I fully understand after counselling what I have to do that is think about myself, this is what I am working on. I also find out that talking to the right people helps a lot. I am seeking a new job, already move to a new apartment , I am slowly coming to terms with the whole thing.

 

I feel better reading the responses

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OK, good to hear that your at least thinking about moving on.

I am sure your going through alot. There is alot of pain in break ups.

I can tell you from my past experiences that when you meet someone new, it makes it alot easier to forget your X.

Also, it can motivate you to do better at work or find a better job.

 

I know your going through alot, so I wish you lots of luck and success.

 

TS

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