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Does taking a break when you're married actually work???


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Old 3rd October 2013, 2:09 PM   #1
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Unhappy Does taking a break when you're married actually work???

I'm in my mid 20's have been married going on 5 years and have a 3 year old son.

I work hard for my family, don't cheat, don't go out and party, etc.
But my wife and I have been having problems for quite a while.

To me, they're minor problems but I guess she sees it differently.

I love her and my son to death, but it's gotten to the point where if my son wasn't involved, I don't think I would take a break/separation so hard because our constant arguments sort of numbed me in a way, but because we do have a son, this is getting to be very complicated.

The other day she brought up that she wanted to move back in with her family and take a "break". I really don't see how we can work on our problems if we're not around eachother, but I pretty much don't have an option at this point. Any day now she is going to leave and take my son with her, and the thought of coming home everyday and not seeing my son light up as I get there completely breaks my heart, and I just don't know what to do.
I feel so alone in this.

I'm just wondering, do breaks really help, specifically when you're married and have young children?
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Old 3rd October 2013, 2:18 PM   #2
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I'm sorry to hear about this. Stay in there. One day at a time and be prepared to be the best dad you can be.

Anyway, sure breaks can work. But the nature of the break-up directly affects whether that happens or not. It's clear that your and your wife's perspective of the relationship, disagreements are very different. Why? This dissonance have to be examined. You say that you have been arguing "constant"ly....why? Over what? Do you argue over the same things over and over again? Is anything ever resolved?

Good luck. Be prepared to open yourself to the questions above. If you want to save this relationship, be ready to give and take, redefine your paradigm.

Again, sorry you're going through this.
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Old 3rd October 2013, 2:51 PM   #3
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I'm sorry to hear about this. Stay in there. One day at a time and be prepared to be the best dad you can be.

Anyway, sure breaks can work. But the nature of the break-up directly affects whether that happens or not. It's clear that your and your wife's perspective of the relationship, disagreements are very different. Why? This dissonance have to be examined. You say that you have been arguing "constant"ly....why? Over what? Do you argue over the same things over and over again? Is anything ever resolved?

Good luck. Be prepared to open yourself to the questions above. If you want to save this relationship, be ready to give and take, redefine your paradigm.

Again, sorry you're going through this.
Yes the arguments seem to be over the same thing. To me, things that are petty. The blame is always put on me but I don't see what I do that is so bad. All I can really think of are underhanded remarks about cleaning and picking up after our son while I'm at work (she does not work) but that's it.
And it's never anything mean, its just me being annoyed that certain things aren't done.
Or sometimes I'll be too tired from work to deal with my son when he really starts acting up and gets a bit uncontrollable, so I'll ask for her help. That seems to be a problem as well.

She always resorts to saying some hurtful things towards me every time an argument arises, while I try to keep my cool. I take her yelling and name calling till I finally snap and start yelling back, and as soon as I do that, then all hell breaks loose, as if I don't have to right to defend myself. I just don't get it.
She's been very cold hearted for the past couple days and it's starting to really wear me out. I got pretty emotional last night at the thought of her taking my son away with her and not being able to really see him as often as I do now, and I pretty much got mocked for showing any kind of emotion from that.

I just don't know what to do, or how to cope with this situation.
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Old 3rd October 2013, 3:15 PM   #4
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I know you don't want to hear this, but prepare for the worst to happen. I don't believe in breaks. I did the break thing and now I'm here I got cheated on! Now I'm not saying she has another man. But some people as soon as they "escape" the problem, then start to view you as all bad and then it's done.

I'm sorry, I know what it's like coming how to a non-working partner. It's terrible, especially when they STILL expect you to keep doing.
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Old 3rd October 2013, 4:08 PM   #5
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Yes the arguments seem to be over the same thing. To me, things that are petty. The blame is always put on me but I don't see what I do that is so bad. All I can really think of are underhanded remarks about cleaning and picking up after our son while I'm at work (she does not work) but that's it.
And it's never anything mean, its just me being annoyed that certain things aren't done.
Or sometimes I'll be too tired from work to deal with my son when he really starts acting up and gets a bit uncontrollable, so I'll ask for her help. That seems to be a problem as well.

She always resorts to saying some hurtful things towards me every time an argument arises, while I try to keep my cool. I take her yelling and name calling till I finally snap and start yelling back, and as soon as I do that, then all hell breaks loose, as if I don't have to right to defend myself. I just don't get it.
She's been very cold hearted for the past couple days and it's starting to really wear me out. I got pretty emotional last night at the thought of her taking my son away with her and not being able to really see him as often as I do now, and I pretty much got mocked for showing any kind of emotion from that.

I just don't know what to do, or how to cope with this situation.
It sounds like the two or you are a bit stressed. I know that you may not want to hear this, but you must know that your wife being home with the child is hard work too. One mistake that the working partner seems to make in relationships is that their day of "work" or helping out ends once they get home. Not so. You both have a child and that's 24-7. Keep that in mind. Your day isn't over until you're asleep or the child(ren) is.

Anyway, that is moot. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster ride. Taking a break in a marriage is never a good sign, but good can come out of it. Just be prepared to make some changes.
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Old 3rd October 2013, 5:23 PM   #6
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From what I've been thru I'll give you my 2cents...granted not married and no kids but together for 10years before we (split)

Days got routine. She didn't work,yet id come home to have to clean the house after working 14-16 hours, throw food on the grille while I showered,come out set the table and then wed eat . After dinner wed go watch Tv.

Wed bicker all the time.

I constantly asked if shed clean or do something while I was at work.

Yet come home nothing done,and somehow I was the bad guy....so I can relate .

My story? I cheated. She moved back home (14 hours away from where we were living) I moved back,went thru a ****load of hurt for a year trying to get her back,and finally did.

My point here is,we both needed to get out of our "box" we were stuck in,see life without, to bring us back.

My advice?

Don't let it get as far what I did and went thru.

Break? Meh.

For what?

Communication is needed here....by a outside source.

Go to a therapist

Or buy a hammock ( sounds stupid) let your child run around the yard and you two sit in it and talk about everything.

Because IMA tell u what, me finally getting fed up and going with another girl THEN realising what I had,and the pain I went thru,KNOWING NOW, if we just sat down and communicated would have saved ME a heartbreak for a year

Just my two pennys.


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Old 3rd October 2013, 6:44 PM   #7
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Have you suggested that you go for counseling together? Have you told her about your feelings for your son?

What are the agreements regarding the separation? Are you both going to date others, or have you worked out the separation agreement?
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Old 4th October 2013, 1:35 AM   #8
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I got pretty emotional last night at the thought of her taking my son away with her and not being able to really see him as often as I do now
Understood. But to me it's significant that not once in any of your posts have you said you'd miss her. Or care about her. Or wonder how this is affecting her?

You might be better off being the best divorced Dad you can be rather than trying to parent in the middle of a marriage you couldn't care less about...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th October 2013, 2:01 AM   #9
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In all of the seemingly countless separations I've witnessed in my life, I can think of 2 stories where the people got back together and stayed together, and I don't even know either of the couples.

One is a good friend of a client, and their reconciliation was in the last 2 years, so who knows if it's working. The other is the aunt and uncle of a good friend, and she claims they hate each other. Separation seems to equate generally to trial divorce.
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Old 4th October 2013, 10:40 AM   #10
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Have you suggested that you go for counseling together? Have you told her about your feelings for your son?

What are the agreements regarding the separation? Are you both going to date others, or have you worked out the separation agreement?

Yes I have.
Well its not really a separation.
This is the part that I as man that doesn't believe in breaks, don't understand.
She wants things to pretty much be exactly the same, me call as often as I do now while I'm at work, and go see her and my son whenever I want, and go out, etc etc, but just not live together / have to be around eachother all the time for a while.
I don't get what the point is!
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Old 4th October 2013, 11:20 AM   #11
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Too late to edit:

Take all the pressure off of her. Meaning, don't ask her what she's feeling, when she's coming home, if you two are going to work it out....etc, etc,

Make it look like you are totally ok with the break and as a matter of fact, you might just decide to end things all together.....it's YOUR choice now, not hers.

Tell her to take all the time she needs, be happy and keep your conversations short, be busy with YOUR life.

When she comes to you to talk......make sure she is ALL in. Don't allow her to keep you in LIMBO....be sure, that she is 100% sure before you let her come back.

When talking about the marriage (only if SHE brings it up) LISTEN to her, don't argue...JUST LISTEN to what she is saying. See if you can compromise, if what she is asking of you is realistic - be calm and THINK about your reply before you speak.

Just my 2 cents!!

I keep reading your post over and over and it's making me feel a little more secure about this. Thanks for the words!
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Old 4th October 2013, 11:39 AM   #12
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I was fortunate enough to have a very strong friend in my corner when I was going through a similar situation. That and this board. I learned a lot throughout it all.

Let them go. Easier said then done. BUT I saw here and in other situations that this is the best course of action you can take.....so....

Keep reading my words and keep feeling better about yourself! Too bad you can't just put me in your pocket so when you are feeling low....I can tell you to go do something fun! You have to re-build your self esteem and get to a point of: YOU are going to mess around and lose a great husband! if you are that stupid...go for it! I'll be just fine without you!

Good luck! Big hug! and SMILE all the time (even when it hurts!!)
That would definitely help. I do have friends that I can turn to to keep me occupied but none of them are married or have kids, so I really don't expect much of a conversation about the topic when I'm feeling low.
I can stay as busy as I can, I play in a couple bands so that occupies some of my time, but its those moments when I'm going to be sitting at home alone, or waking up alone that I have a fear of my thoughts sort of taking over.
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Old 4th October 2013, 12:11 PM   #13
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Please, do NOT take a break from your marriage. That very seldom ends well, and it's not going to solve your problems. As another poster said, once you are both separated, you are likely to vilify the other partner, and it's extremely hard to reconcile once you separate. One or both parties end up dating or meeting someone else during the separation, making it even more complicated to get back together. Then if you try to reconcile later on, you are likely to have the added baggage of one or both partners having sex with someone else during the separation that will add to the difficulty of reconciling tremendously. I've known several married couples who have taken a break from their marriage. It never ended well. Most went on to divorce because it either became too difficult logistically to get back together once the partners set up separate residences, or they grew further apart emotionally, or one party started to date others, or there was infidelity during the separation. Very hard to reconcile once you separate. My sister went through this with her second husband. They were both faithful to each other during their marriage, but separated over an argument and increasing discontent between them. My sister tried very hard to reconcile during the separation, even went to couple's counseling, but once separate residences were established and her husband started dating others, they found it difficult to get back to a couple mindset again. He found it difficult to break off all communication with "women friends" that he had been in touch with during their separation, which he promised to do as a prerequisite to getting back together, and it just led to trust issues torpedoing the relationship and they are now divorced. Do not separate if you have any intention or hope to save the marriage. Do get counseling to work on your marriage. THAT should be the step to take in dealing with marital disagreement or conflict. For your son's sake, especially, don't take the step of separation. That will confuse him terribly and make him feel very insecure about his family. All couples have arguments from time to time. What you need to work on is negotiating (preferably through counseling) an equitable division of labor, reestablishing respect for each other's role in the family, conflict resolution skills, and strengthening your bond with each other. That is something that only counseling can really tackle. Separation will not help. It will not teach you better ways of dealing with each other. It will only bring in more problems/roadblocks into your relationship.

Also, as a side note, I get the vibe in this thread that some people, just because the wife doesn't have an outside job, seem to feel the wife isn't doing anything all day, or very little. It is extremely exhausting taking care of two young children all day. Keeping them entertained and out of trouble, fed, disciplined, bathed and taken care of is a lot of work. Do not underestimate her contribution to the family, or question her upon arriving home as to what she has done all day, or why isn't the house picked up, yada yada. That is very demoralizing to hear that after coping with two young children all day. When you get home from work, your wife needs a break and needs your help to take over a bit of the work with the children. These things can be negotiated out in counseling. Counseling is the step to take if you want to improve your marriage. Separation will likely be the nail in the coffin to your marriage if you go that route. Very few marriages survive a trial separation, and if there is an eventual reconciliation, there is likely even more baggage to deal with because of the separation.
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Old 4th October 2013, 12:31 PM   #14
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A break can be a good thing (absence makes the heart grow fonder) or a bad thing ...........it depends on how you handle it. If she KNOWS you are pining away for her and she can waltz her ass back into your house when SHE decides SHE wants to....it can be bad. If you turn it around on her and let her think that she could LOSE you in the process of her little stunt....it can be a good thing.

My suggestion would be to:

1. Let her go, give her exactly what she's asking for (space) give her PLENTY of space. more than she wants!
2. If she starts bitching about it (and she will) tell her "babe, this is what YOU wanted.
3. Get a life of your own. go out with friends, get a hobby, go to sporting events, go to the gym, cut your hair, look like a sharped dress man
4. AGREE with her about the break...tell her you think it's a great idea because you could use a break as well.
5. If she mentions "dating others"....don't freak out! Just tell her if she wants to do that, then there is a girl that caught your eye, so................ok.
6. Have very little contact with her (just about your son) let her handle the rest of her business.

This is called the 180, you can read more about it here on LS. I suggest you keep your cool and turn the tables on her.

Good Luck!!
Don't play these childish games. It demeans both of you.

Get into marriage counseling now. A time apart from distraction can be beneficial. But you must establish boundaries and guidelines including goals and a timeline. This should be done with a counselor. AND DONT PLAY GAMES.
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Old 4th October 2013, 12:57 PM   #15
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Don't play these childish games. It demeans both of you.

Get into marriage counseling now. A time apart from distraction can be beneficial. But you must establish boundaries and guidelines including goals and a timeline. This should be done with a counselor. AND DONT PLAY GAMES.
I'm absolutely open to counseling, but financially it just isn't possible.
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