genesis.elle Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I'm hoping to get some mature, helpful advice, so here goes: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 8 years now, no kids (yet). He's pretty much my husband but we're not legally married. We have had a VERY rough time, dealing with everything from divorces to death, bankruptcy to graduations, success and failure, all on an extreme rollercoaster. We didn't have a "love at first sight" experience, and honestly neither of us knows how we ended up being together this long. We were just going to have casual sex with each other and we ended up in a committed relationship. He truly is a wonderful man, he has a huge heart and is caring, giving, hard-working, dedicated, and has many wonderful qualities. However, not to sound like a greedy b*tch, he's only 30 and he has turned into a complete bump on a log when he's not at work. He's a very blue-collar kind of guy, whereas I'm more of a "thinker". He constantly complains about how tired/sore/annoyed he is, and we do pretty much the same thing every day when he gets home -- I cook him dinner, we eat, watch TV, and he passes out on the sofa. Our sex life has dwindled down to very little, and he has never been one for lots of passionate sex. I have a high sex drive myself, and want to be intimate quite often and he's just not interested. He also has zero imagination in the bedroom and will not do any kind of role playing or think outside the box in terms of getting me aroused. As well (and I don't mean this in a cruel way) he has some kind of dental issue that has been ongoing for years and it makes his breath extremely funky, and it makes me not want to kiss him and be close to him. There is no amount of nagging him to brush his teeth more often or begging him to make love to me that is going to fix that. The problem is that while I have NO intention of cheating on him (I respect him too much), I have noticed my eye wandering lately, especially to a mutual friend whom I know would take me to bed in an instant. He doesn't seem to think that fulfilling your partner sexually is very important and it doesn't help that he has a health condition that often flares up and makes sex impossible for weeks on end. I really love him as a person and he he deserves a loving wife but I find that I'm starting to look at him as a buddy rather than a lover. I so desperately want to have sexual energy between us, but lately I can only think of hot guys on TV or this mutual friend, as it almost feels like he's my relative or something. We have very honest, open talks about things and he always promises to work on it, and he does (for a week or two) and then we're right back where we started. At this point I'm almost not interested in sex with him bc it will just be the same old thing, no passion, no excitement, and I feel like it's either my fault or he's not trying hard enough. I reeeeeeally don't want "break up" to be the only option here, and I don't want to hurt him (I am afraid of losing him altogether but it seems like it's either that or be sexually frustrated for the next 50 years) but we're not rich enough to pay for counseling or whatever else may save the relationship. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 In a perfect world what do you want to see happen? What things do you want to see him do? Do you work outside the home? You realize that the individual that is most responsible for making you happy is you. Naturally if it is the sex life you do need an active partner. Here are somethings for you to consider. Firstly, you need a life plan, draw a horizontal line on a piece of paper and with zero on the left and 85 on the right. Mark where your age is today in relation to the scale with a vertical line and then set decade marks between. Secondly you need to decide do you want marriage, children, home, career, retirement, etc and add these to the scale. Does this fellow fit into your long term plans. This is your life, don't let it drift you by and wake up one day unhappy and not have done the things in life you want to do. Here is my advice, take a day or two and decide what you specifically want him to do and write it down. Also what can you do to improve the situation? This can't be all about him with no effort from you. Set a time to discuss the situation and do so open and honestly. Don't insinuate, sugar coat or beat around the bush. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 As stupid as this may sound I'd like to congratulate your for your character and integrity. In our modern world it is very rare to see someone assume that they don't want to cheat on their partner because of the respect they have for him/her. On our day and age it's way more common for people to perform the deed and then come here crying and trying to justify the unjustifiable. Instead of cheating you're trying to fix the problem. Very, very rare and commendable. Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 You might try getting him to a doctor. He seems a bit young but you never know. He may have some blocked arteries that will make you tired all the time. He might have low T. I would try to get a complete physical and see what you find. Link to post Share on other sites
Author genesis.elle Posted August 27, 2013 Author Share Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks for the feedback, guys! I think what I realistically want is a more active, frequent sex life. I want him to put a bit of effort into things and not just poke me with his erection and say "wanna do it?" Sorry, but that's not sexy if you do it all the time. I have nothing against quickies, they're fun and enjoyable, but I don't think most women will have an orgasm if sex is two minutes long and she's had no time to "warm up" so to speak. I'm open to a LOT, sexually, while he seems to be like the whack-a-mole game: sticks his head out and looks around for a bit and then goes back to where he's comfortable. While I want to be there for him and support him in every way I can, I think possibly being exposed to every single un-sexy bit of him has killed it a little. This is both our faults, but he thinks nothing of letting rip the grossest farts, talking about his poop in a very offhanded way (not like a frat boy trying to gross people out, just "I had a huge **** at work today and clogged the toilet"), and coming to me with every medical issue no matter how nasty. On one hand, I appreciate how open and honest he is being with me, but a part of me is just squealing "ewwwww!!" Does this make me a hypocrite?? Link to post Share on other sites
Saber_Tooth Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 I'm bumping your thread in the hope that you get more replies. I am very curious about other folks' opinion on your being turned off by "knowing too much" (or seeing, smelling too much?)...the medical, bathroom, etc stuff and the way he talks about it/approaches it with you. This was a perennial problem for me in my now defunct relationship. However, I always was willing to put up with it and berated myself for being shallow. In the end it didn't matter....but thanks for reminding me how much of a turn-off it is and for letting me know I'm not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author genesis.elle Posted August 28, 2013 Author Share Posted August 28, 2013 Saber_Tooth, you're definitely not alone! I think it just became more of a habit between us. When we started dating, he encouraged me to just "be myself" and let loose a bit more, and somehow that morphed into the two of us openly farting and discussing bowel movements... I think it just went too far. Yesterday I told him that I'd like to talk about things, so we're going to do that tonight hopefully, and I did manage to tell him that while I'm there for him 100% and will certainly help him with his medical issues, talking about poop and letting rip nasty gas is really killing my ladyboner for him. He was very receptive, thankfully. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get the pilot light burning again and kickstart our sex life. That'll be the trickier one! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 Now all I have to do is figure out how to get the pilot light burning again and kickstart our sex life. That'll be the trickier one! Assuming you can get by the small issues (although I'm a big believer in working to keep the mystery alive in a long-term relationship so some of the stuff you're describing grosses me out!), do you think he can make the major changes you're wanting? Very hard to motivate people that have descended into "bump on log" status. Could he be suffering from depression? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author genesis.elle Posted August 29, 2013 Author Share Posted August 29, 2013 It's interesting how you are quick to talk about all the disgusting things he does but you don't mention right away that you are also guilty of farting and talking about your dumps with him. Don't you think that could be a big part of why he isn't interested in sex with you? Since you both seemed to have a shared interest in feces and farting maybe you should give anal a try to revive your sex life. Actually, he was the one who originally wanted me to be more "relaxed" and able to talk about dude stuff like that. I also didn't say he's not interested in sex with me, he's just not interested in frequent sex and has a low sex drive... it's not like he's having an affair or watching porn yet he won't sleep with me. I don't understand how you could get "we have an interest in feces and farting" from what I said, but that doesn't go hand in hand with anal, anyway. Those who enjoy anal don't usually enjoy having feces be a part of that. Mr. Lucky, I think he may have situational depression of sorts... our living arrangement is less than ideal, and he is frustrated and is probably feeling emasculated. We do discuss that, and it IS temporary (and hopefully will be over in a few months), but it's certainly affecting our relationship. We have talked and agreed to reign in the farting and grossness-talk if it's not medically relevant. He has enough buddies for that, but I think it was just based in laziness of not wanting to have to muffle his farts or leave the room. He's very gassy, I wonder if there's something wrong with his digestive system sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Hey Genesis, the good news is that there are no children, nor any marital assets to fight over, so I have just one question. Given your history, are you prepared to spend the REST of your life with this man as is? He's probably not going to change drastically any time soon. He is who he is, and if your love for him is more as a close friend than a lover, or husband figure, I wouldn't recommend spending the only life you have with someone who does not excite you and keep your interest. Just something to think about..... Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I have a different opinion on this. Sex is an important part of a loving relationship, but not the only thing. Just like most things can be fixed if you try. So first, get him to have a physical. Get him to sign a hippa release so you can talk directly to his doctor. Go with him or better yet, sit down and discuss your health concerns that you want him to raise with the doctor. Write them down. Call the doc and give them the list if you need to. The stomach, bowel, fart and breath issues can be related to several medical things. Find out what's going on with him. His testosterone could be low or he could have some other issue impacting sexual interest or performance. Maybe he needs Viagra occasionally. His exhaustion from work also plays a part, could there be medical reasons for that too? Then..lets keep going...does he feel un attractive or overweight? Can the two of you exercise? Would improving his diet help? Lastly...I know you are open to speaking frankly so I think you need to start to bring in things to ramp up the interest outside the bedroom. Read sexy books, or girl couples porn together. Buy some toys. Discuss fantasies. Look at sexy lingerie online. Watch porn, whatever...tell him what you want him to do exactly at that moment. Touch him in a flirty way. Dress up, put on makeup or whatever to change it up. Lastly...do not discount the exhaustion and maybe laziness and see if he's more open if you do more work (e.g. Be on top) Just some ideas from the longtime married contingent... Just sayin. IIWII 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Okay- so you need.. 1. Dentist (for him) 2. Gastroenterologist (for him) 3.Therapist (for both of you) 4.Toys (for you) 5.Trip to Victoria's Secret (for you) 6.Bottle of Scope (for both of you sometimes after kissing him) 7.A hotel room (for both of you) Okay,guys - Rev has just solved the easiest one yet! Move on to the next case. Sweetie,I am kinda not kidding,usually there is some threesome with the girl at work or three other freaks at the bar or something.This one is kind of easy in that way. It can't be fun for that two minutes and I certainly wouldn't like to fantasize about that session,but it can be fixed. REVITUP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 Oh yeah, low T ? I will say that WILL NOT MATTER if the breath thing and farting like a double-barrel azz cannon are still at play-work on the hygiene and then............... REVITUP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 I can assure you that your farting and poop discussions have contributed to him not being interested in "frequent sex" with you. That's weird. My last BF pounced on me the very moment I accidentally let one slip. I don't think every guy is as put off as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Sure, not every guy, but certainly most. I know women like to think that everything they do is cute but guys can lose attraction over things like that just as easily as women. They started doing this when they started dating - 8 years ago. I doubt that's what caused him to lose attraction, assuming he did. It sounds like he's never had much of a sex drive at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Also, keep in mind this girl isn't just occasionally "letting one slip", she is openly farting around him every chance she gets and discusses with him the details of her bowel movements. I don't care how cute you think your farts are, in a long term relationship, behavior like that is going to put you on the fast track to roommate status. Okay, Poops McFarts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author genesis.elle Posted August 31, 2013 Author Share Posted August 31, 2013 Poops McFarts, let me try this one more time bc I don't think you read my original post very well. I was brought up to be a proper lady and behave like one. He was brought up by wild dogs, apparently, bc he is very laid-back and relaxed and doesn't put on airs. From the get-go he was encouraging me not to be so uptight, as it was clearly a strain on me to be so proper and at the same time enjoy our sex life and our personal time together. He got me to curse a little more freely (in appropriate situations), drink beer, watch UFC, chop wood, fix cars, etc. Along with that came the whole burp and fart thing. Yes, those ARE "guy things", I have never had a girlfriend do that in front of me, not even my decades-long besties. We just don't. Guys, however, go to work (at least in the trades they certainly seem to) and almost immediately start talking about chicks, cars, sex, and poop. It's been a constant throughout his entire life of employment. I didn't want to fart in front of him, I thought it would be nasty and make him uninterested. He said no no, and over the first few months I caved and from there it just went downhill to a comfort thing that we would lie around watching TV and not bother muffling anything. So technically, he's to blame, although I certainly wouldn't point that out or actually blame him. I am not "openly farting every chance I get". I'm not a very gassy person. He's never had a high sex drive, which I always thought was weird. There's about a 0.001% chance he's having an affair, bc he's not bright enough to sneak around and he tells terribly transparent lies, and I would have caught him by now. He's been very receptive to what I've said and has been refraining from openly farting, is checking about what he can do about his testosterone, and is working on his medical problem so we can get back to the bedroom. I have been very blunt with him about what I want and how we can change it. I'm hoping for a long-term solution this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author genesis.elle Posted September 4, 2013 Author Share Posted September 4, 2013 You're obviously not here to help, so why don't you go and bother someone who is looking for an argument, sir? Link to post Share on other sites
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