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Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.


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Misadventure

I lurked here for a day or two, I guess trying to understand different things...but I really do need help here to grasp things, to try and understand, and an attempt to know what to do next. I apologize in advance for the wall-o-text but I implore you to read and lend your opinion.

 

My husband left me a month ago. For me, it was out of nowhere..he said "ILYBINILWU".. Been together eight years, married five just about..he has been the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, my partner...or so I thought.

 

I had walked in on him looking at apts online.. I talked to him about it later when I had a moment to cool down, and he said he was "looking at his options"..then he gave me that line, and saying that he needed butterflies. The next morning, he grabbed many of his things and left, going to stay with his best friend (and his wife and kids) an hour away. Three days later he removed me from our bank account and credit cards, and didn't even have the decency to tell me. I was on my way to get dog food when I had found out when the card didn't work.

 

Four days before this, we had an amazing intimate weekend, where he had told me how much he loved me, and also we had been trying to have a baby for a couple years now.

 

Back in early 2010 I was diagnosed with some minor medical and then I was in a car accident, and for a while my libido was at a low. On average, once a week we were intimate and he felt that this represented my overall love and desire..basically, his affection to me has mainly always been expressed through the bedroom, not so much outside it except light kisses here and there or hand holding (but he has never been into PDA)..he had announced to me then that "he didn't know what love was" (which struck me hard and I even contemplated for a brief moment several sleeping pills BUT I did not). ..and he went away to his friends (same friend) for the weekend..leaving me hurt, confused, shocked..he returned and we went to counseling maybe about 5-6 times total..in that, he explained his concern if I really wanted a baby or not..and that I had taken away his source of affection (basically once weekly maybe more)..I was put on an anti-depressant for situational depression and side effect was libido. More sex, more affection to him, it seemed like a magic wand that fixed things. Over a few months after that, I tapered off the meds but maintained to try and be more intimate regardless if I felt like it. The counselor for us had explained that our marriage was young and needed to be nurtured and it was no longer that honeymoon stage and that there was different levels of that same love (which I KNEW this) and also healthy ways to discuss disagreements or what we are thinking that is a conflict.

 

So for years everything seemed fine. I work PT from home and my free time was helping a non-profit and he was the breadwinner. During our marriage, he achieved his Masters degree and a better job and was still going to classes. I do have my degree, but we had both communicated early on to maintain this PT job so when we have a child.

 

Back this April, a job opening FT came up about an hour and a half away that he really wanted me to take due to my work with Non-profit. I did apply and send my resume but he felt I sabotaged my resume by not writing it the way he wanted in some way, which I did not. I guess this has been on his mind and he did not communicate this with me for a long time and resented me for it.

 

In June, he went away for a week for a work seminar a couple hours away. He did not really contact me. If I didn't call him or text him to call me when he was done, he probably would not have called me. One night, he didn't actually, saying he fell asleep. It was in this time, I found out he CHANGED his password for his facebook and his email account where as before we knew each other's passwords.

 

He came back that weekend, and we had a good night.. and then the next day, I asked him as to why he was distant..and I basically wanted to know if we were on the same page...did he still want me to just do the PT home thing and work on having a family or what did he want. He said yes.

 

Shortly after, a mutual family friend of both of ours on FB messaged me saying that he had called her brother looking for an "interesting perspective" (he is married and has a baby, and one on the way) and she thought something was wrong... so even though it was 11 at night, I went and talked to him in bed and asked him what was wrong and should I be worried.

 

He said he just didn't care about things right now (this was back in mid-June) and that he was going to look for a psychologist. After that, we still continued to sleep together, he still continued to tell me how he loved me...but many times he was friendly to his friends on the phone but didn't really communicate with me about work, stuff, thoughts, feelings...

 

The day I caught him looking at apts, he confessed to already having seen a psychologist. Then he gave me "the line" talked about wanting butterflies..He couldn't even LOOK at me..he was cold..almost emotionless...he held me that night in bed, caressing and sleeping. The next morning he left.

 

I had never felt my whole being fall apart before, and this was it. The man I loved with all my heart, had just pulled apart my world, my heart, our future.

 

So I did what I guess you are not supposed to do.. I emailed him that day.. I wrote a long email wanting a chance..fighting for our marriage..I asked him to look at our albums online together and think about what he was potentially doing, throwing away all our years together like garbage..he did not respond.

 

So I broke down, I couldn't get out of bed for days, couldn't eat..if it wasn't for the dogs I don't know if I would have gotten out of bed at all. Two days later my family came and got me to come over for a bit and try to make me eat something..when I was gone, he had come and taken more clothes and all financial info.. I didn't realize this until the next day because I was going to go to the bank and scour over what has been spent the last several months.

 

I called him and asked if he had been here and he said yes..we talked briefly, he said he had read the email..wasn't going to reply..wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I hung up and broke down...my life was really falling apart and this man I love so much was throwing me away and our life together and I don't even know why.

 

So I emailed again...and nothing back. The next morning is when he took me off the bank account and credit cards. I had thought it was joint all this time but I guess I was just the authorized user. I called and called and he did not respond. He texted "what???" I told him to call me... he said in text "I will email in min.."

 

Seriously?? Effing coward.

 

I told him in text if there had been love at all in eight years he needed to call me.. he did... and I asked him what was going on.."what do you think?"...He then said I needed to get my own account now, and I said with "what money you took it all, even my last paycheck just went in"..."I will think about putting $200 in for you when you get a new acct"..I asked him why he was doing this, how could he do this, why was he throwing our little family away like trash, that I loved him and I don't understand....I got nothing in return.

 

Two days later he called pissed...autopays for two bills under my name went to our marital acct on the day he removed me.."what are you trying to do, hurt me? I am able to have fun right now because I don't love you...you just hit the last nail on the coffin."

 

Day after I guess he went for a 30 minute consultation to a divorce lawyer and he called me angry..."So, what are you going to do? you going to leave the house now? start packing..You doing to do this the hard way with lawyers?? ...I wasted my 20's on you"....All I could do was cry about all this and I hung up.

 

Since then he has been here twice to get clothes, his pc..and its just been cold and emotionless from him..not a flicker of any emotion at all. He really seems to not care what he has done to me or destroyed me. This is the first week I have been able to eat and hold down food, its week 4.

 

He has emailed me twice, once the beginning of this week formally in email saying "Its been a month since I removed myself from the situation and its betters for both of us if we divorce. Since you cannot afford the house, I assume you are preparing to move"...

 

I responded emotionally of course..like how could he do this.. he was not sorry for any of it, and what lies is he telling himself and his friends he is staying with to justify in his head or to others what he is doing. He responded by coming over...in which I tried to ignore him..but then, something switched..and I purged what I was feeling.. how cold he was..how he could be so emotionless when throwing away our years together, our family, having no regard that he blindsided, pulling the rug from under me and ripping my future from me and really just emotionally destroying me...and nothing from him. Just stared at me.

 

One email after that happened, same cold email, but basically saying that the difference is that his pain happened already and how would I like to proceed with the house.. is it lawyers or what..

 

So thats where I am now basically...hanging on by a thread.

 

I am still in shock I think...my life as I know it is going to end..all the love, all my heart...just gutted.

 

I don't know where to go from here....my parents want to hire the best lawyer to take him to the cleaners for what he has done. They think he has someone on the side..either it just started right before he left..or he has had someone for a couple months. I don't have any proof of this at all, and it hurts to even think of it...but he isn't wearing his ring and that was on day 3 of him leaving...he just doesn't care at all, does he..of even what it is doing to me...I can't sleep...I can barely eat...

 

I know many of you have gone through so much...can you please help me somehow....sometimes the pain is so excruciating I have to go and take a walk because it just consumes me...and meanwhile...he feels nothing and is having a grand ole time, and I am not even a thought.

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This is eerily similar to what happened with me and my ex.

 

Yes, he has someone on the side. Right now, his only concern is for the MONEY. His goal is going to be to emotionally break you down so you don't fight for what is rightfully yours. The coldness, the nastiness and just mark my words....he's going to start with verbal abuse....the only thing he's trying to do is GOAD you, BAIT you, ANYTHING he can do to make you snap by writing him 'crazy' sounding emails or better yet, hitting him, he will do. That way he can go to court and say, "See what I had to divorce this crazy b? Please don't make me pay spousal support!"

 

DON'T LET HIM DO!

 

See a lawyer NOW! In fact, no. Do NOT see 1 lawyer. INTERVIEW lawyers. I want you to speak with AT LEAST 3 different lawyers (Most don't charge for the initial consultation) and discuss your options. In my state, when my husband cut me off financially, he was DEAD WRONG and my lawyer slapped him with an order forcing him to pay ALL the bills during the duration of our divorce.

 

This is your first task and I'm not going to give you more because I know it's going to take extreme effort for you to do much of anything else being that you're heartbroken, confused, and frightened. Believe me, I've been there. The very best thing you can do right now is focus on one task at a time. So pick up that phone book (Or, even better, get a referral) and set those appointments. Remember: Your goal for the next week is to meet with at least three different lawyers.

 

Don't call or email your ex until you've completed that task. Then come back here and tell us what was said.

 

Keep posting, keep writing, we're hear to help.

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Methinks there's something, or someone, else going here with him. Why? The changed passwords. The distance. The NC during his week away.

 

But, I agree with Jane. You need an attorney to protect yourself here. He can't just keep financially cutting you off like that.

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Misadventure

Jane, I read your reply and called two. I have appts tomorrow. The one my parents want me to see, he will see me on Monday. He is very $$ :(

 

Jane and Guy, you really think for sure there is someone? I have no proof...but wanting such a quick divorce and the way things played out...it hurts so much to even think he would do this....he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother...

 

But maybe history repeats itself.

 

So what is "crazy" emails..? When I emailed him before it wasn't crazy but looking back now they were pathetic emails from a wife in love with a man who left her and gave her a line as a reason. I even still asked him to look at our albums and remember our times together even after he took me off our bank account. Wow...remembering this makes me sick.

 

When he was here last though when I finally purged anger.. I did throw a small knick knack at the drive way...not at him..or at the car.. it was 5 feet away...it was from our wedding. But then he took it with him...

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Honestly, while I was reading your post, my stomach hurt and I found myself holding my breath. Your pain is palpable and I have been there. You will have to look at your situation as dispassionately as you can right now. Your first and foremost concern should be, doing as your parents suggest, and getting an attorney. He is doing his best to give you absolutely nothing and what a jerk for taking all of the money. So, I know you are hurting and it feels like you are on a ride from hell, take care of business.

 

Secondly, look up the 180 and please, please do this. You cannot continue to expose yourself to that cold, unemotional response. That just about killed me when it happened. You need to stop texting and calling and email him ONLY when you have to. It keeps a record of what transpires, also. It is one thing you can do to make yourself more stable. It is awful, but it is better than engaging in conversations with him when he could care less about your pain.

 

I went to a divorce group and that helped me a lot. You can find some companionship and have a safe place to vent your feelings. I walked the dogs - they loved it! I took them to a dog park, I got a second job (needed the money) but it helped me get out of the house since my first job is teaching from home. I accepted EVERY single invitation, even going to a children's ice machine party (making snow) at a church with a friend. I was lucky; I had and have wonderful family members and friends. My brother called me every single day for months. thought.

 

Now, almost 2 years post divorce, he misses me, the dogs, his 23 yr old son who he all but forgot for a year while he lived a new life. He and the gf (not the affair partner, but someone he started dating while I was still living in the house and we were not divorced yet) have gone back and forth, on and off and now I guess they are off for good. Who knows? He texts me every few days asking for another chance.

 

I would bet that he has someone else. His behavior is textbook for this - the speech, the coldness, the money..UGH! It most likely won't make a difference in the divorce, but your attorney can help you there.

 

Chin up. It is a really awful ride and it takes a while to level off. You will be alright. Have faith in yourself. Hugs to you.

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Three days later he removed me from our bank account and credit cards, and didn't even have the decency to tell me.

 

He could only remove your name from credit cards he was the primary on. You apparently had no credit cards in your own name ??? Maybe that's what happened.

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Yes I would bet anything he has someone else. You didn't mention whether you have children but did mention family and only working part-time. Do you have kids? He more than likely has been carrying on an affair for sometime and had to come up with a bulls0ht excuse to leave. Did he actually tell you why he wants a divorce? Please don't beg him to come back because that never works. If I were you I would consider him dead and start mourning his death and be done with it. His behavior is unforgivable.

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Jane, I read your reply and called two. I have appts tomorrow. The one my parents want me to see, he will see me on Monday. He is very $$ :(

 

I hired a very pricey attorney too....and you know who ended up paying for it? HE DID. So don't fret about that.

 

Jane and Guy, you really think for sure there is someone? I have no proof...but wanting such a quick divorce and the way things played out...it hurts so much to even think he would do this....

 

Of course you don't have any proof. I didn't either. Because, believe me, his is a lying, cheating, two faced, back stabber who has been PLANNING this for months. What else do you call sneaking behind your back to look for apartments? Does that sound like a guy who has ANY interest whatsoever of being fair and honest?

 

Darling, he's a liar and the man you married NEVER EXISTED. I know you're grieving over this imaginary man...I did too. But the sooner you come to terms with the fact that it was all a great big bunch of BS and this cold, emotionless jerk is the "man" you REALLY married, the easier it's going to be to let this snake go.

 

he told me a long time ago he would never do that because his father did this to his mother...

 

My ex spit this line at me word for word too. Total lie. I found out later that he was NEVER faithful during our ENTIRE relationship.

 

So what is "crazy" emails..? When I emailed him before it wasn't crazy but looking back now they were pathetic emails from a wife in love with a man who left her and gave her a line as a reason. I even still asked him to look at our albums and remember our times together even after he took me off our bank account. Wow...remembering this makes me sick.

 

When he was here last though when I finally purged anger.. I did throw a small knick knack at the drive way...not at him..or at the car.. it was 5 feet away...it was from our wedding. But then he took it with him...

 

You want to avoid ANY behavior that makes you seem emotionally unstable, unhinged, or (this is his goal) violent. Throwing that knick knack is a huge, huge mistake. He WANTS you to throw things. He WANTS to scream and rage. He WANTS you to hit him....ideally with witnesses present. The idea is he is going to say that he was physically assaulted and you are a violent, crazy psycho that DESERVES to be left without a dime to her name.

 

Don't let him do it.

 

Don't talk to him without a lawyer present and do not do ANYTHING that can be construed as 'violent.' Trust me, darling, he's got the police on speed dial on his cell phone just WAITING for the moment you snap and slap that smug little grin off his face. DO NOT GIVE HIM THIS SATISFACTION of making you into the 'bad guy.' NO VIOLENCE and NO EMAILS that may indicate that you could be violent, suicidal, or mentally unstable. Give him NOTHING.

 

And I know you don't believe this now....it took me a long time to believe it myself because it was so traumatic and it hurt so bad....but this divorce will be the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU. I promise you that once this is over, you will realize that leaving you was the KINDEST thing he could have done. And you will feel nothing but PITY for the woman he left you for...now SHE is stuck with this monstrosity of a human being.

 

Let us know how you visits with the lawyers turn out!

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Balzac, I honestly thought it was joint but its been so long as we have been on the accounts together that apparently I was wrong. I was on the way to go get dog food when it happened, it was so very horrible.

 

Steen, I am looking at the 180 list now. Well, I did stop the begging pathetic emails at the end of the 2nd week I think. When he calls or shows up randomly its for clothes or a purpose and he asks about lawyers. There is absolutely no emotion from him whatsoever, just cold. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, but none of this makes sense, so what am I supposed to believe?

 

How could the friends he is staying with (and maybe thats a lie too, who knows) support him and family if he is doing that too? I don't know what to believe, but the whole butterfly cr*p is just that, cr*p. And the line ILYBJNILWY a cop out.

 

I guess step one is look for an attorney...step two really.. Step one was getting out of bed..just the tears don't stop.

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Jane, I think I am going to print your post for me to read so I don't lose courage to do this.

 

I feel in my heart some things you said are so spot on...I was so unknowing and stupid...he was planning this!!!!

 

The knick knack...SMH! Yeah, I won't be doing that again. Whoever I retain I need to tell them this right away so they can do damage control..So any emails or any contact, basically he has a point for it, and its to put me on the bad position...

 

I have no idea what to look for in a divorce lawyer.. I guess the sharpest snake in the container? I will definitely tell you tomorrow.

 

:""Of course you don't have any proof. I didn't either. Because, believe me, his is a lying, cheating, two faced, back stabber who has been PLANNING this for months. What else do you call sneaking behind your back to look for apartments? Does that sound like a guy who has ANY interest whatsoever of being fair and honest? ""

 

No... its sneaky, deceitful, cold and malicious! Yeah, the person I fell in love with....would never have done all these things....I think I am just still so in shock.

Edited by Misadventure
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Steen, I am looking at the 180 list now. Well, I did stop the begging pathetic emails at the end of the 2nd week I think. When he calls or shows up randomly its for clothes or a purpose and he asks about lawyers. There is absolutely no emotion from him whatsoever, just cold. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, but none of this makes sense, so what am I supposed to believe?

 

Pack up ALL of his stuff and have someone deliver it to wherever he is is staying. The reason he is showing up and being so nasty is because he's trying to goad you into this emotional break down. There is NO REASON you have to ever lay eyes on each other outside of the court room.

 

Go get your lawyer to slap him with an order that makes him pay for the house and all of the bills while you live there. Not sure what state you are in, but when my ex removed me from all the accounts, it looked very very bad to the judge. So she made him pay for EVERYTHING for the entire duration of our divorce.

 

Understand the your hubby's main motivation here is the money. Even by removing you from the joint accounts he was trying to make it so you couldn't afford a lawyer to properly defend yourself. That'll come back and bite him, don't worry.

 

So your second task is to remove ALL his belongings from the house and deliver them to him. If that cannot be done, you call up the police and say that you're going to need them to escort your husband throughout the house so HE can pack up EVERYTHING and leave. The police presence will make sure that he doesn't try anything shady or pick a fight with you.

 

Then talk to your lawyer and ask him/her if it's cool that you change the locks.

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I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, but none of this makes sense, so what am I supposed to believe?

 

 

Of course he is not going to admit he has someone else. You could use it against him. Do you have kids?

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You start when and how you are able too. A capable, experienced attorney is necessary. "Taking him to the cleaners" not possible. Divorce is shutting down a financial partnership. The reality is that solo income plus your PT must temporarily fund two lifestyles and all marital debt. Most ordinary people both suffer a reduced lifestyle. Men generally recover financially more quickly.

It's easier if he has a regularly salary job and not a small business or professional practice. It can all happen fairly quickly if one or the other can resolve joint real estate debt.

 

I'm sorry you've been blindsided. What a shock.

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I have no idea what to look for in a divorce lawyer.. I guess the sharpest snake in the container? I will definitely tell you tomorrow.

 

I hired the one with the nicest office! :laugh:

 

And honestly, I just wanted someone to be honest about what could/could not be done for me and to be on my side. I brought in copies of our financials and she looked them over and I tearfully said, "What's going to happen to me?" And she said, "Don't worry. You're going to be OK. I promise."

 

That's what sealed it for me, so I hired her. And she delivered on her promise.

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How well one survives a divorce in the financial sense is directly related to wealth prior to divorce. The divorce process does not create wealth, it redistributes existing wealth and control of the wealth.

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How well one survives a divorce in the financial sense is directly related to wealth prior to divorce. The divorce process does not create wealth, it redistributes existing wealth and control of the wealth.

 

Obviously.

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It seems obvious until one reads comments such as

take him to the cleaners which in my mind demonstrates a lack of understanding and unrealistic expectations. What can I say? Walking away with her fair share and maybe a few sweeteners is about the max she can expect.

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Still, no kids..we had been trying..

 

Ok, I will ask about the locks. I know I have locked the outside glass door before the actual door since he has been gone and he has thrown a fit each time he has come. He threatened to call the cops. I don't know what the laws are regarding this because he left and has been gone over 30 days now, but its his house also.

 

He has basically been asking me to move out since he left. The "start packing" and the email not to long ago saying "since you cannot afford the house I assume you have been preparing to move"...In his dreams!!

 

He has paid the mortgage for this month..Balzac you made a good point...I didn't think of that...basically I was left with no money to go and get a lawyer. My parent's comments was for the cleaners...I'm still just trying to get a grasp on things and not cry each morning..thinking about the legal stuff hasn't been a thought until today.

 

I don't know what my life is going to be now...I thought it was going to be one way and now its in chaos. But I will see these lawyers tomorrow and I want someone who will fight for me... I don't want to walk away from 8 yrs, my love and heart splattered on the ground, and walk out with nothing... I have to start over as is...and I don't even know what I want for my life now.

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It-is-what-it-is.

Yes he's following the affair cheaters handbook.

 

Google best divorce lawyers in your area and call a couple friends and ask for advice.

 

Do the 180. Go radio silent.

 

I am mentally throwing darts at him for you.

 

(Mom hugs)

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It seems obvious until one reads comments such as

take him to the cleaners which in my mind demonstrates a lack of understanding and unrealistic expectations. What can I say? Walking away with her fair share and maybe a few sweeteners is about the max she can expect.

 

I didn't say that. Her parents did.

 

But understand that people don't stoop to such devious levels to protect money that doesn't exist. And Misadventure could correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing there is money there.

 

She is entitled to:

 

Half of the equity in the house.

Half of any savings accounts, trusts, or investments

If he has a 401K, she is entitled to half of that.

And since she was working part time and he was the primary bread winner, she is entitled to a portion of his paycheck for a certain period of time until she gets established.

 

My guess is the bolded parts are especially what he is worried about.

 

Listen, if there was no malicious intent on his part, he could have divorced her kindly. He could have sat her down, held her hand and said, "Listen, I'm not happy and you're not happy. We both deserve more. So how about we visit and mediator and DECIDE TOGETHER the best way to separate, divorce and figure out how to divide our assets fairly."

 

He could have made her a participant in this divorce. He could have come at her with love and kindness and the honest and true desire to do what's best and fair for BOTH parties.

 

He did not to that. He snuck around her back and then cut off her credit cards. He is treating her like an enemy and a victim and she DID NOTHING WRONG.

 

She needs to protect herself from this guy. He's a snake.

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I don't know what my life is going to be now...I thought it was going to be one way and now its in chaos. But I will see these lawyers tomorrow and I want someone who will fight for me... I don't want to walk away from 8 yrs, my love and heart splattered on the ground, and walk out with nothing... I have to start over as is...and I don't even know what I want for my life now.

 

Oh, darling, I've been there. *big hug

 

That's why I want you to focus on the tasks at hand and not the future right now. The future seems overwhelming. I want you to focus on small baby steps of things that need to get done.

 

Are you ready for task #3?

 

I want you to make an appointment with a counselor and see about getting put on anti depressants.

 

Did you recoil mentally when I said that? Don't worry, I did too. I didn't want to drug myself and I didn't want to feel 'weak' or 'crazy.'

 

BUT! I was also leaving work on my lunch break, laying down on a picnic table, and staring off into space and crying for HOURS at a time. I was in NO CONDITION to care for myself properly. And I'm guessing you're not either. And if anyone needs to be cared for properly right now, it is YOU.

 

Listen, you're going to have to survive some VERY difficult times in the next couple of weeks/months. And if a few pills will put you in a better frame of mind to face those difficult times, DON'T THINK TWICE ABOUT GETTING THAT HELP. It is only a TEMPORARY thing to get you through the worst of it. You need to have your wits razor sharp. They can't be clouded with depression.

 

So make that appointment too. Please, for your own personal and mental wellbeing.

 

And remember: We're hear for you too.

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She needs a legal advocate whether he's a snake or a nice guy.

I'm clear on who made the statement, it's more about unrealistic expectations.

No disagreement that she's entitled to temporary support but that expense is often her remaining in the home until they hash out who assumes the mortgage debt. That means qualifying for the debt. Her parents may have adequate wealth to buy it outright. In general temporary support expense eats away at wealth available to pay her portion of the fair share.

 

My concern would be at 8 years together what equity exists??

She has her education and often courts are loathe to award rehabilitation expense to an educated woman w/o child.

 

I'm sure she'll get a fair settlement and it's very unlikely to be a litigated divorce. Still very painful and shocking. He's a coward for sure.

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Misadventure
Yes he's following the affair cheaters handbook.

 

Google best divorce lawyers in your area and call a couple friends and ask for advice.

 

Do the 180. Go radio silent.

 

I am mentally throwing darts at him for you.

 

(Mom hugs)

 

Thank you!!! I will go radio silent, I think I need to for my own sanity at this point. I would like to know for sure if he is to help me understand..but I don't think he will ever tell me... I asked over and over...and I even asked "will you tell me why you are doing this?".. (this was at week one)..and he said "I will maybe one day after all this". Which is a lie...I know when it's done, I will never see him again and that is part of the hurt. He was my life and love for many years and I just wanted to have a family with him and be happy.

 

 

She is entitled to:

 

Half of the equity in the house.

Half of any savings accounts, trusts, or investments

If he has a 401K, she is entitled to half of that.

And since she was working part time and he was the primary bread winner, she is entitled to a portion of his paycheck for a certain period of time until she gets established.

 

My guess is the bolded parts are especially what he is worried about.

 

Listen, if there was no malicious intent on his part, he could have divorced her kindly. He could have sat her down, held her hand and said, "Listen, I'm not happy and you're not happy. We both deserve more. So how about we visit and mediator and DECIDE TOGETHER the best way to separate, divorce and figure out how to divide our assets fairly."

 

.

 

Thing is, I wasn't unhappy. I didn't know he was..I didn't know he didn't feel "butterflies" or was looking for them ..wtf.... Btw he took the big file on ALL our financials so I don't even know them...but I guess having a lawyer could find out.

 

I didn't recoil when you mentioned meds and a counselor.. I just made the appt too while I was at it for the lawyers through my EAP..just really sad to be crying to the person on the phone at EAP lol..But, I want the tears to stop. I just don't want to keep crying or like you said "zoning" out most of my day even for work stuff..Meds kinda scare me but I think I need to try it. I'm not enough to help myself if that makes sense.

 

 

And remember: We're hear for you too.

 

You have no idea how much this means...trying to talk to friends who have not been through this or know this sting or complete shock..

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Balzac, no there is no equity, the house is upside down. I am hoping for spousal support and the other bolded parts so I can try and put my life back together or find a life..I have no idea what I am going to do with my life now.

Edited by Misadventure
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It-is-what-it-is.

I would like to know for sure if he is to help me understand..but I don't think he will ever tell me... I asked over and over...and I even asked "will you tell me why you are doing this?".. (this was at week one)..and he said "I will maybe one day after all this". Which is a lie...I know when it's done, I will never see him again and that is part of the hurt. He was my life and love for many years and I just wanted to have a family with him and be happy.

 

Oh you will know.

 

You can always hire a PI if you want to. It's usually not that hard to figure out.

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He has basically been asking me to move out since he left. The "start packing" and the email not to long ago saying "since you cannot afford the house I assume you have been preparing to move"...In his dreams!!

 

Unfortunately he's stating what is likely the harsh financial truth.

That being said, you've not shared enough facts to gain useful comments from LSers. You may not know the facts. It's more problematic for you if the house must be sold but it's really just a delay.

 

Just remember to breathe and don't listen to him. He must provide your lawyer with full financial disclosure, you need not ask him for anything.

The sooner you get lawyerd up the better for your piece of mind.

Hang in there.

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