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Shockedandsad

New to this forum, but desperate for help. A few months ago my husband said he needed space. He still loved me but was not as in love with me as he once had been. We have been together 13 years married 8. I was shocked, but let it go, he started treating me badly, rude, cruel, so different to the kind loving person he was. Over this time he took a couple of trips away for space. I trusted him. Move forward a bit and i have now discovered he cheated while was away. He now wants the marriage to end. To top it off we work together. He is the love of my life and i thought we would be together forever. I am heartbroken. What do i do? I dont know how to go on.

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Praying4Peace

I'm so sorry to hear this! Did you have a pretty good, strong marriage before his cheating? I assure you this change of behavior is due to someone else in the picture this whole time.

 

Have you confronted him about this other woman? Do you know who she is?

 

You might want to post on the Infidelity Board, they will give you a lot of support and guidance for what to do next. Those people know it all.

 

But- do you want him back? You might think you do but if there's cheating you might find out details that make it even worse for you. They'll make you want him back (due to jealousy) and also make your life miserable thinking about them for the rest of your life.

 

I suspect if you agree to the Divorce and shut him out, he will come back to ask you to reconcile. That's when the real hellish part starts.

 

And if he doesn't, good riddance to you! You don't need to put up with that behavior. I promise you, divorce will be painful but you will emerge from it in less time than you think, a stronger person. Do you have kids?

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Shockedandsad

We had an amazing marriage, he was my best friend. No kids. He is moving out, shortly. He has just had a major personality change. I always said i would never take back someone that cheated, but the tragic thing is i would i love him that much that my heart is just breaking into a million pieces.

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Shocked. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story is VERY similar to mine although my husband and I don't work together and we have two children together.

 

He also came to me several months ago saying very similar things and he also took a trip with another woman. He was back and forth for months, leaving and then returning. Then last week he told me that he couldn't do this anymore. I filed for divorce this Monday. I only wish I had done it when he first came to me and saved myself and my children (although they don't know much) the past few months.

 

I feel absolutely terrible as well. I'm saddened beyond belief. Read my thread "Lost but Hopeful" Yas suggests some great reading that I think might start you on the right path.

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We had an amazing marriage, he was my best friend. No kids. He is moving out, shortly. He has just had a major personality change. I always said i would never take back someone that cheated, but the tragic thing is i would i love him that much that my heart is just breaking into a million pieces.

 

Hello, sorry to hear you're going through this. Do not beat yourself up about what you said in the past of being unforgiving to a cheating husband... that's just a set of "principles" we put forward to establish boundaries, but truth be told it is ultimately a decision that has to be made on the spot if it ever presents itself... If you forgive him or not is up to you, however, I do recommend the following:

 

The 180

 

If he is uncertain about leaving, even if he is not showing you this uncertainty, The 180 might bring him back. If he is sure, The 180 will get you moving in the right direction toward rebuilding your life.

 

It works so well you might find it hard to forgive him after you gain your self-esteem back. All BS's take a hard hit to their selfesteem when cheated on... and the WS's take advantage of the delicate state to continue their errant behaviour and have the BS as a plan B...

 

Is he still seeing / talking to this person he cheated on you with? Can there be another (closer to home) steak he is sniffing around? You have to ask the hard questions, and for god's sake do not sleep with him until you are certain he has ended any outside relationships and affairs, it will only make it worse.

 

Take care, I wish you the best.

 

E.

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Shockedandsad

To update has now left and says it is over for good. I cannot stop crying. I really dont know what to do. I am mid 30's and the thought of being alone down right scares me. And i dont want to have to start all over again with someone new. I just am so sad and lonely. I am in such a state of despair. I cannot believe what my life has turned into. I am living a nightmare.

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Shockedandsad

He picked up a lot his stuff yesterday he was so cheery and matter of fact, told my family member he cant ever see himself living here again. Where did my wonderful amazing husband go. I am losing it big time, i have never felt so low and sad, and each day it only gets worse. I am dead inside.

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Shocked, I'm so sorry for your pain but know exactly what you're going through if that helps in any way. I'm 36 years old and the prospect of starting fresh is truly devastating and frightening.

 

I never would have imagined that the man that I married could have possibly turned into the man I'm divorcing. I just served papers yesterday and surprisingly I feel slightly better knowing that I've taken some control back.

 

I know what it feels like to walk into your closet and find half of it empty. Again, I'm not sure that I can be of any true comfort but I know that, myself, knowing others are dealing with similar situations comforts a bit.

 

As others have suggested the 180 may be of help to you. I only wish I would have known of that technique long before this all began. I've also found a lot of comfort in the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" Author is Melba Colgrove.

 

I don't know when there will be a day that goes by that I don't cry. Try to get some rest. If I remember correctly, you don't have children and that's good because I have two and rest comes rarely. Also, see your doctor and get something for difficult days and nights. That was suggested to me in my first post and I acted upon that advice and it has calmed my nerves substantially.

 

Just remember that, unfortunately, this happens all the time and people come through it. Maybe we'll both end up with lives better than what we "thought" we had.

 

And if you're able to work it out, even better.

 

Good Luck!

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We had an amazing marriage, he was my best friend. No kids. He is moving out, shortly. He has just had a major personality change. I always said i would never take back someone that cheated, but the tragic thing is i would i love him that much that my heart is just breaking into a million pieces.

 

Hi there i am new to this forum

i am going through the same my mane is carlos

i find out two weeks ago that my 9 years wife was having an affair

no idea what to do until i start talking to people, the more i did everyday it been helping me, the pain is still there very strong

i have always look after her and i thought everything was fine

we talk a lot more than some couple would

everything was perfect,

but she just cheated on me

yesterday we start talking again and she said that she realize the mistake she made and that she wants me back so bad

 

i love her so much that i am willing to look the other way and forgive her

 

but how do i live with the fear that she might do it again

 

 

and after reading your post i realize

 

no one deserve our pain and tears

i know how much you love him

but remember you haven't done anything wrong

 

i love to believe now that we are a bit unlucky caring too much for the wrong person

 

and give it time and don't stop talking it helps

if i could only take your pain away i would

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It-is-what-it-is.

I posted on your other thread.

 

I hope you are taking care of yourself and lawyering up.

 

Let us know how you are.

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Shockedandsad

Not doing great. Was meant to see counsellor today but they cancelled.

I know this sounds overly dramatic but he was the one for me, we just clicked. We had amazing extended overseas trips. We did what we wanted whenever we wanted. We had plans for the future and now nothing. Am dreading next week, not sure if i mentioned but we work in the same company. So am going to have to deal with all of that. The rumours, having to see him etc. so it is never ending pain.

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Again,

 

So sorry for you pain, shocked. Ignore the rumors and sideways glances. I know it sounds easier said than done but you must be the stronger party.

 

Have you considered talking to you doctor about medication? i say this as someone who was, before my seperation and impending divorce, against medicating, but my gyno suggested that I take a VERY low dose anti anxiety pill when things get tough and more than I feel i can handle. Just something to keep you cool and calm so you don't make a mess of your work world.

 

Hang in there. I'm feeling SO much better than I was a week ago. i'm sure that will turn around but we must enjoy the good days, right?

 

Chin up! Somehow we all get though this as hard as it may seem at times.

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Techie Artist

I know this sounds overly dramatic but he was the one for me, we just clicked. We had amazing extended overseas trips. We did what we wanted whenever we wanted. We had plans for the future and now nothing.

 

Dear Shocked, I'm sorry for your loss. Read the bold in quoted text. To be blunt, you're a widow. What you're feeling is grief. The man you loved is dead. No longer in the land of the living. Gone. He will never be that man again. And so, you must bury him and go through the steps of grieving.

 

As for work, prepare some canned phrases for various situations. This way, you won't be caught off guard. If you have to, go in the bathroom and cry, but don't wear your pain on your sleeve. It can (and will) be used against you if your workplace is anything like mine. Be diligent about keeping your work performance up, and don't give anyone ammo to use against you.

 

Chin up, toughen up, and lawyer up.

 

TA

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You have good advice to read and consider OP. You are far from alone.

 

Work with him everyday? After being married and all the history?

 

No.

 

No job is worth that. I would contact a supervisor and/or management and explain the situation. Perhaps they can offer a transfer or another position?

 

Or fire him. I like that solution best.

 

Seeing him everyday will cause life to become unbearable. You must create distance to promote healing. Very serious; this will not work. You must act.

 

Keep posting.

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Shockedandsad

Today was hard. Back at work. Put his home mail in his pigeon hole. He sent me an email thanking me and telling me he had redirected his mail. it made me cry he also asked how i was. I said doing ok. Really dont want him to know how sad and pathetic i really am doing. Then he asked me to find something for him at home. The days do not seem to get easier in fact the seem to get tougher. Unfortunately i just cant up and quit work or move to a different area. I actually like my job(well until today, dont want to go back tom)And as i am in Aus, you have to have a 12 month separation before you can divorce. And seriously the thought of getting divorced just makes me sick. i am one of those crazy people that actually believes in my wedding vows. I really am not sure how you stop loving someone after 14 years. How do you just turn off the feelings.

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It-is-what-it-is.
Today was hard. Back at work. Put his home mail in his pigeon hole. He sent me an email thanking me and telling me he had redirected his mail. it made me cry he also asked how i was. I said doing ok. Really dont want him to know how sad and pathetic i really am doing. Then he asked me to find something for him at home. The days do not seem to get easier in fact the seem to get tougher. Unfortunately i just cant up and quit work or move to a different area. I actually like my job(well until today, dont want to go back tom)And as i am in Aus, you have to have a 12 month separation before you can divorce. And seriously the thought of getting divorced just makes me sick. i am one of those crazy people that actually believes in my wedding vows. I really am not sure how you stop loving someone after 14 years. How do you just turn off the feelings.

 

You need to try to limit your contact with him so you can heal. Don't talk to him, don't respond, unless its about a bill. Are you ok financially?

 

I think you need to avoid responding to him about your feelings - read up on the 180 and see if that would help you.

 

You need to find and retain a lawyer to give you advice. From what you wrote your husband is acting like he is a different person, so you cannot be certain what he will do.

 

You need to find a counselor to help you.

 

Can you get away for a while?

 

He is clearly having an affair and right now you cannot do anything about that so you need to be really self focused and heal yourself.

 

Take care of yourself

Edited by It-is-what-it-is.
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