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Feeling betrayed...distance in separation


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Old 13th June 2013, 10:07 AM   #1
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Feeling betrayed...distance in separation

I've been married for four years, known my wife for five. Not a long time, but I really believe(d) that she is the only one I will ever truly love.
I had a major drinking problem, which escalated over the years. I wasn't physically abusive, but I had a bad temper, and frightened my wife and the children on occasion. Two months ago, I reached a level of remorse that made me decide to enter a treatment center. I phoned my wife at work and told her where I'd be. She was, by this time, worn down by my drinking, and glad to see me go there.
We spoke every day on the phone while I was there (28 days total) She said that all wold be fine, and she'd see me when I returned. One day I called and our phone number had been changed to an out-of-town number. I knew she'd left. In tracing our banking history online, (we still share the account on good terms) I learned that she's basically planned the move from day one of me leaving. This feels like betrayal in itself...I had asked her while I was in the recovery home to please be honest with me if she wasn't comfortable having me come home after treatment. She said all was fine. Not knowing whether our house rent was paid or where my dog was, I left the treatment center a day early and returned to work. Oh...and I'm still sober and staying that way. When I finally spoke to her, she refused to give me her land line phone number and her new address. She told me to give her space, as she was very hurt by some of my past actions. When I asked her where we stand as husband and wife, she said "maybe", and to only talk to her about our daughter. I do see my daughter regularly, thank God. The last time I met up with her to see my daughter, I tried to get close to my wife and she simply walked away and said "see you next week same time" I stopped her and asked her if she could please communicate with me regarding our future. I told her that I understood well just how much I'd hurt her. (And I do...this was the cornerstone of my recovery and what I looked at most in the treatment center) I just asked her for some kind of idea where we stood. She said "I'm still thinking". This brings me to my biggest question: How long do I wait? Am I being mislead or unfairly treated?
We both speak with a 3rd party couple who is heavily involved in recovery circles. They sort of tell me where she's at with all of this, so that I can give her space and not prod too deeply. They told me "She's trying to send you a message that she won't tolerate your drinking anymore and that you have to prove yourself" If this is true (I think there's more to it) then this separation is a means of punishment in my eyes.
I guess all I want is some solid direction from her as to what the outcome will be. If I tell her I love her, no reply. If I tell her I am here for her, no reply.
If I try to kiss her or hold her hand, she recoils. She still, however, has ouor wedding pics on her facebook page, if that's any sign. It has been 2 months since we separated. She tells me how happy she is in her new place. She tells me it's peaceful now that I'm not around. She is very angry, though I will accept the blame for that. But I work hard on maintaing a new, sober life. I attend church, 12 step groups and counselling. I will continue to do this whether or not she comes back.
I made a move yesterday to start dating. I feel like i'm being hung in limbo by her anger, and although she was such a good and giving person in our marriage, I now feel like I'm being strung along at her whim, and I can't personally sit, not knowing. I could wait and wait only to be told that she's moving on. I see no signs of her even beginning to heal. Any advice anyone?

Last edited by JayS; 13th June 2013 at 10:13 AM..
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Old 13th June 2013, 2:02 PM   #2
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2 months into separation...and you're dating?

It sounds like subconsciously you want out, too.
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Old 13th June 2013, 2:12 PM   #3
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Perhaps...

You may be right. I wanted this marriage to work, but I increasingly get put off and ignored by her...to the sharpest degree. I don't think I've let go of the fact that she moved out while telling me all was fine either. I had asked her to be up front with me while I was in treatment, and she told me daily that all was fine and that she was waiting for me. She'd planned the move from the start. Now I get no communication, just "maybe it will work, maybe not." I don't know what else to do but take a stand and move on.
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Old 13th June 2013, 2:14 PM   #4
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Not an expert..but...

It sounds like she checked out of the marriage long before you went to rehab. You are making changes to be better, but she was already done.
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Old 13th June 2013, 2:17 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grassisorisntgreener View Post
Not an expert..but...

It sounds like she checked out of the marriage long before you went to rehab. You are making changes to be better, but she was already done.
I agree with this.

I have put up with a lot from my husband, and now that he's trying to be better, it actually makes me more resentful. I spent years and years dealing with crap, and when I finally got fed up and wanted to leave, he (and you in your case) got help, made big changes...and now what? Now I'm supposed to just fall right back in love? I don't know...I'm in a state of limbo so I'm not really great at advice.
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Old 13th June 2013, 2:20 PM   #6
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agree, reluctantly

I think you may be right. I did ask her to at least communicate with me if she'd decided to move on. I don't think that will happen, for one reason.... when I met her, her ex of eight years showed up one day. He didn't know I was there (upstairs) I listened to him talk with her. He said "Why are you texting me? Do you want to be with me or him? (me) I asked her about that conversation, and she told me not to give it any thought. But the man said what he said, and was simply asking for an answer. Don't get me wrong, she's done everything for me, and I know she's been faithful...I just really believe that she won't be up front when the time comes to let go...that like her ex, I may find out long after she's moved on. (If she hasn't already) That conversation with her ex was a major red flag, and something that I let go of at the time, but it did tell me that she will likely try to keep me and someone else in the balance to see which one works out. Not even being allowed to have her address is very extreme...there was no violence or fear in our marriage. I have to agree with you...this looks more and more like the end.

And cozycottagelg...you have a very valid and realistic point, and I see it all the time in recovery circles....husband gets help, changes, but this still leaves the wife in a state of hurt. I know that in reality my wife has two choices...be willing to work towards forgiveness and hope for a better future with me, or take her losses and find someone new. I certainly take the blame for her hurt, and there is nothing I can do now but hope for the best and be a new person, or be willing to accept losing her (and still be a new person)

What I failed to mention (not intentionally) was that my wife has two preteen children. They had some behaviour issues from the start..an absentee dad not helping those issues...and I was never able able to truly bond with them...or rather, I spent more time in a state of discipline than actually trying to be a part of their lives. I regret this every day, and it shames me. I know without a doubt that she has to consider this, and will. It could very easily have been the end for our marriage. I was a selfish person, and it took me far too long to wake up. Now there can be no "If only..." Life has to move forward. I really do hope she's in the bigger picture, but I have to be willing to accept what I did to hurt her and her children, and live with that, which I'm willing to face, because I never want to be that miserable drunk again, and certainly never want to hurt someone again.

Last edited by JayS; 13th June 2013 at 3:01 PM.. Reason: added to comment
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