Is it normal to feel this way?

[Bunnyrabbit]

I know I'm bombarding this board with my questions and thoughts right now. And thank god I have you all because even though I have a few good friends they are not there all the time. I'm just confused to if it's "normal" to be stuck with the thoughts I have when you're about to go through a divorce. All I can think about is either memories of a lot of great trips we had or that we will never ever do that again. I'm consumed with thoughts that we will never do this and that again and it's killing me inside. It's like a knife in my stomach every time and I can't stop these "tapes" inside me. Why am I concentrating on only good times when there were so many bad ones too? Where I'm confused is to if all I'm thinking of is only good-am I not ready to divorce? OR is my mind playing tricks on me and is this normal in this process? Because a big part of me knows we are better off our separate ways. No matter how much love, connection and chemistry-it's just not working. Can you please share your experiences and if this is normal and will this pass because it's so painful to feel this way.

[BustedUpInside]

Let me start by answering your question about whether you are normal. Yes!!! You are definitely normal. I cannot think of a single person I know have that has gone through a bad breakup that has not had the same emotions that you are going through. Everything you have described from fluctuating between knowing if you made the right decision, being angry over his choices, accepting that it is final, and then just being sad over all the memories....all of that is COMPLETELY normal.

 

Everyone on this site has similar posts to yours. I am not trying to take away from your personal experience, but merely to point out that you are not alone and everyone on LS would have sympathy and words of encouragement for your situation.

 

Some things it might be helpful to know are that many people compare a breakup of a relationship (they usually say long term but I suppose it is the same for all break ups) to the death of a loved one. By that, they mean that you go through the same stages.

 

Denial - saying that it can't really be happening, questioning whether the divorce is the right thing to do, thinking that he will regret his decision and come back and make everything right.

 

Bargaining - thinking that if you changed yourself in some way, or if he changes himself in some way then the relationship would have worked

 

Anger - blaming him for everything that went wrong in the relationship, blaming him for everything that is going poorly in your life. Acting like the break up was a deliberate gesture to hurt you, or that he should have handled everything better.

 

Depression - idealizing everything in the relationship. Denying that there were actual problems that couldn't be worked out, and that everything was a lot happier then it really was. Believing that you won't ever be happy again, and that there is no one else out there who might be a better fit for you.

 

Acceptance - finally accepting that most relationships don't work out and that this one had to end so that both of you would have a chance to find a better fit and make a better life, just not together.

 

You could be going through all these stages at once, one at a time, in order, out of order, never go through one, or spend most of your time being angry or depressed.

 

Just give yourself the time you need. Everything is very new right now and so it is going to be confusing and upsetting. No one likes change, especially if it seems bad at the time. Just be kind to yourself and let yourself feel how you want right now.

 

Good luck and keep posting! There are a lot of nice people here and someone always has something profound and helpful to say

[imtooconfused]

I can't speak for how you can eliminate the good times you have experienced in the past from your memory. They were truly good times and should be remembered as such. Only time can let you heal and move beyond fixating on that.

 

What I can fill you in on is the feeling of loss at future missed opportunities, the trips you won't be doing, the romantic dinners you won't be sharing, the family gatherings you won't be attending together. For a couple that has reached your point, who have individually changed, each in a different direction, the future will never be the same as it was. It will be increasingly frustrating finding activities and experiences to share that are mutually fulfilling. You will find yourself doing things he enjoys simply for the sake of being together, but at the same time growing more frustrated in doing things you may not enjoy. He will be doing the same. This can only lead to more bitterness.

 

Trying to wrap my thoughts into a single sentence... The future that you feel you will be missing out on is a fantasy that doesn't exist in reality. Thinking about the "what ifs" is not helpful and perfectly pointless.

[Bunnyrabbit]

I'm so grateful you broke it down for me. I feel better knowing this is normal. Even though I'm definitely going through all those stages I also realized I'm more stuck in the depression stage right now. I have no appetite and I just want to sleep so I don't have to be awake. But then I don't want to sleep because it hurts waking up and realize the nightmare. People keep telling me to watch a funny movie or go get a coffee to just get out. But these things hurt even more because seeing couples outside breaks my heart! Watching any kind of movie reminds me of him because it will either be a movie we've seen together or something in the movie that makes me think of him. I can't hear music because so much reminds me of him and I can't seem to function with normal daily life since all I do reminds me of us and him. I can't believe how other people break/divorce so easily when you have a history together! And how you move on to someone new is beyond me......

One thing that is helping me a little bit is posting here and knowing you are here to help one get through this. Thank you!

[WreckedDan]

Bunny,

Clean, clean everything. Do laundry, clean the kitchen, vaccuume, clean the walls, start redecorating things or making certain spaces more personalized to yourself. Pack up things that are triggers for your emotions. Get on netflix and find a TV show you have never heard of or at least never watched with your ex. TV took me a long time to get into but now it feels a bit better.. once you have cleaned inside, clean outside, this is good because you will start making a habit and have goals for yourself and once those habits start to take effect and youare going outside more you can take another step in finding activities to do outside... helps me some.

 

Hope it helps you,

Dan

[BustedUpInside]

I can't believe how other people break/divorce so easily when you have a history together! And how you move on to someone new is beyond me......

One thing that is helping me a little bit is posting here and knowing you are here to help one get through this. Thank you!

 

Don't compare yourself to other people. You can never win. Most people, including me and probably you, don't want anyone to know the extent of their depression when they are feeling it. So, if you are relying on Facebook, other social media, or even people saying they are fine with break ups or divorce, you shouldn't really believe it.

 

I would be willing to be that most people going through a divorce have felt exactly the way you described in your post. However, that still doesn't matter. Even if everyone else in the world felt instantly better after a break up, that doesn't mean that you have to. You have no obligation to feel anything other than what you do. You are normal!

 

I agree with the other poster. Cleaning really does help. Also, when you are cleaning, you should put things that are intense emotional triggers in a box that you can put away for now. Things like photos, souvenirs, jewelry, etc can be really really hard to look at in the first couple of months. You don't have to throw them away, but just put them away for awhile.

 

Trust me and trust yourself. Everything you are feeling is normal and just part of the process

[Gunny376]

Normal? Why would you even care? Normal is what you tailor make it to conform and fit to you and work for you and in your life? Was Einstein normal? Thomas Jefferson? What about Hawkins? Or Leonardo Da Vinci?

What about Washington? Or Ben Franklin? Or Mother Teresa?

 

Thank God they weren't "normal"

 

Normal is a highly and subjective term that is inherent to each and every individual.

 

Ditto with divorce. There are some that breeze through it as though it was nothing more than a bump in the road along the highway of life? Or as a HBX10 up at Top Sail Beach, NC that was trolling for me said when I pointed out that she was married?

 

"Yea! But its only temporary!" :eek: (And yes I did look at her just like that?)

 

Most definitely your going through the five stages of grieving? But they don't come in any particular ~ sequential order ~ even though for literary sake they may be listed as such?

 

At 56? I can absolutely tell you, that the human mind is an incrediable thing? You can literally go through absolute hell, and your mind will block out the bad and remember only the good? I would suspect that if you subscribe to evolutionary theory, that this is an evolutionary trait, and thus a good thing? Either way it is, because if it weren't so?

 

You spend the rest of your life sitting around on your dead azz getting drunk with you two best friends ~ Jim and Jack ~ as in Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, and if he were still around George Jones.

 

But I mean really think about it? If we all sat around and could remember any and every little thing "bad" that happened to us in life? We'd all be certifiably card-carrying, USDA stamped on our ass ~ CRAZY before we made it into puberty?

 

From a pyschological point of view? Its coping mechanism inherent to our being human. It why we have the tendency to only remember the good and not the bad of our experiences.

 

Its why someone that's been through Hell ~ wants to go back? Because they as human being lack the capactity to remember ONLY the good and not the bad!

 

Normal?

 

Its what YOU define it as!

Edited June 2, 2013 by Gunny376

[carhill]

Why am I concentrating on only good times when there were so many bad ones too?

Part of the grief process. Your marriage died.

 

Where I'm confused is to if all I'm thinking of is only good-am I not ready to divorce?

 

Perfectly normal to feel confused. It'll settle out over time.

 

OR is my mind playing tricks on me and is this normal in this process?

 

Some of it turns upon your base personality. If you're a 'cup half full' person, generally looking at and focusing on the positive, it follows you'd focus on the positive aspects of your M, even if it was unhealthy and needs to end.

 

Personally, I found that MC helped a lot with this stuff. My end result is that, while I might shudder to think about actually being with my exW ever again, I loved who I was when I was married to her and loved her and those positive memories will remain with me for life. Each part of the overall journey is valuable, IMO. Good luck.