Considering Divorcing My Husband

[0wls]

I'm not sure where to begin exactly, and my post may fall under several different categories so bear with me.

 

I'm 28, female, married since December and with my husband since May of last year, though we've known each other and been friends since we were 14.

I'm pregnant with my first child and due in June. My husband has two kids from previous relationships and they are with us about 50% of the time.

 

The last few months have been hell. It's like we got married and things went to crap over night. :-( We argue all the time, I don't feel close to him anymore and our sex life is nearly non-existent. On the rare occasion that we do have sex, it lasts all of about 5 minutes (if I'm lucky!). I don't feel very loved, appreciated, wanted or supported. I'm usually home by myself, cleaning or working (I work from home and own my own business) while he's out doing odd jobs and helping his friends for free, using gas money to get to their houses which are not close by. Well over half the time when I try to reach him via text or calling, I get no answer. However, if I call from a private or different number, he will answer on the first or second ring.

 

I'm getting fed up with all of the above, and the fact that I've caught him in multiple lies since we've been together - ranging from small things to bigger issues like talking to/flirting with/trying to meet up with other girls via Facebook and even a couple of dating sites! I guess I'm just an idiot for continuing to try and believe him when he says it meant nothing, and that he isn't a cheater. He appears to have stopped those thing (talking to other women online, but I have no way to be 100% sure.)

 

He isn't currently employed anywhere but does odd jobs which brings in some money, but usually that money is spent on gas to drive to his friends' houses and lately to haul his dad around. His dad is literally a crack-head... He is 70 years old, drinks all the time, smokes pot, receives $800 or so dollars monthly from social security and has virtually no living expenses aside from gas and food. However he is always broke, needing money, out of gas and needing a ride...

He also sells his prescription pain meds for additional money. My husband and I know he smokes crack, uses cocaine, and who knows what else. My point is that he's not a good person, he uses people for anything he needs, and my husband and him have had so many problems over the years. From July until February they didnt speak. It was nice... My husband and I still had issues but nothing like we do now. He's rarely home and he's always with his dad, driving him around, fixing things for him for free, drinking with him, helping him in any way he needs while I'm here, about 7 months pregnant and highly uncomfortable and unable to do a lot that I'm used to doing. I need his help a lot and when I ask, I feel like I'm causing a huge problem because it might interfere with helping his dad. I know I shouldn't feel this way but it's not something I have much control over.

 

I can't help but resent him for this.

 

On an average day, my husband will say that he will be home at a certain time but it'll end up being two or three hours later.

We fight about this nearly daily.

 

Also, as a step mom, he thinks I'm supposed to drop everything to watch his kids for him while he's in class two nights a week. He doesn't consider the fact that 95% of our income is my responsibly and so is the vast majority of the house work. I can't do anything while I watch the kids... As in, every 30 seconds one of them needs me to do something or they are fighting amongst themselves or something of that nature - just being kids, I know - but I feel like expecting me to do this is inconsiderate of him because I literally have no life aside from working and cleaning. I clean up after the kids, wash their clothes, wash their dishes, cook for them, etc. I'm also supposed to pick up his son from school sometimes while my husband is out and about, when I'm needing to work. He has ample free time and I have nearly no free time - why do I need to put aside my responsibilities to make life easier for him?

 

I care about his kids, don't get me wrong, but I'm feeling very overwhelmed, used and unappreciated. When his kids are here, I may as well not be here unless he or they need me for something. When they're not here, he's gone and takes time with his friends sometimes for "guy time" -- time to drink and pop pills or whatever he wants to do. Yesterday was the first day I have done anything for myself - I went to brunch with my cousin. This was somewhat of an issue between my husband and I. :-/ Also, on the nights he's in class I try to occasionally use that time to eat dinner with my parents or to get groceries or something of that nature. He and my parents don't get along because they know how things are with us. In fact, he and my father got into a physical fight last week, but I will spare the details because it's another issue entirely. >.<

 

I had written a much longer post but half of it got deleted somehow, so I'll just submit this for now and post the rest if I remember what I wrote.

 

Basically, I'm feeling awful, I have a baby on the way and I feel pretty much alone in my marriage. Something needs to change or I'm leaving, regardless of how much I love the man I married. He used to make me feel like I was important to him, like my presence in his life was special and like I was on his mind. Now, I feel like I'm a problem for him and that being home with me must be torture because he's rarely here. I get the run-down, tired, grumpy version of him in the evenings, while his friends get the happy, awake and fun to be around version of him. Usually he falls asleep hours before I do as well - so even the time I get with him daily is limited.

 

Thanks for "listening"!

[Mack05]

I can't help but resent him for this.

 

Basically, I'm feeling awful, I have a baby on the way and I feel pretty much alone in my marriage. Something needs to change or I'm leaving, regardless of how much I love the man I married.

 

0wls I guess the obvious question is have you said all this to him, or are you suffering in silence?

[0wls]

oh, I've said this to him on numerous occasions. He seems to find nothing wrong with what he's doing. He gets irritated because I'm "nagging" by bringing this to his attention.

[AlexDP]

I'm not sure where to begin exactly, and my post may fall under several different categories so bear with me.

 

I'm 28, female, married since December and with my husband since May of last year, though we've known each other and been friends since we were 14.

I'm pregnant with my first child and due in June.

 

 

You've been with your husband since May, you married in December, your first child is "due" in June.

 

Do you realise that it's now March 2013? I'm not sure if you're aware of just how little time passes between your potentially life changing events.

[TaraMaiden]

He married a phukkable housekeeper-cum-nanny.

 

You need to leave, and you need to show him the consequences of what happens to his world when you leave.

 

I suspect he will pull every stop out on the organ to try to win you back - promises of change, apologies, tears, begging, imploring, for the sake of the children, he loves you, he's sorry....

 

Of course, he will do that once you leave.

 

And you will be moved by his sincere, open and candid display of emotion.

so much so that you will relent, go back and - you know what?

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

This man seems far too entrenched in his bad habits to change overnight.

He's rude, dismissive and certainly takes you for granted.

 

I hate to say this - and I'm sorry, given your condition - but the best thing to do, if I were you, would be to consider this a sobering experience.

 

leave.

And don't look back.

File for divorce, and keep your distance.

 

This man has 'Bad News' written all over him.

You may think you've known him since you were 14, but clearly, you really didn't know him at all....

[TaraMaiden]

Forgive me CeeCee123..... but I'm not sure you've really taken in the OP's first post....

 

And as a pregnant woman, she certainly should not have to cope with looking after his children, and tolerating his father, his habits and the negative effects this association is having on her marriage.

you rightly point out that a pregnant woman should not have such a stressful load of different problems to bear.

 

But as a father an husband, really, he is the one who should be aware of this.

 

I feel that the OP probably fears the consequences of trying to talk to him about this.

I suspect he would not be the most receptive of listeners....

 

as such, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with the suggestions in your post.

I feel in this instance, this would be too little too late.

 

And that's an understatement.

[standtall]

No more talk...now is the time for action unless you dish out some consequences. Right now he does what he does because there is no consequences. Stop being a doormat and do something.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I shouldn't feel this way but it's not something I have much control over.

Actually, yes you should feel this way. Someone has to stand up for you and it doesn't sound as though your H is interested in the job.

 

Time to go into survival mode for the good of you and your unborn child. At the very least, give your H an ultimatum that includes a full time job and the balance of his time at home with you. The advice you've already been given to kick his azz to the curb isn't overstated. Stop making meals or cleaning house for anyone else. Let him parent his own children.

 

Focus on you and having a healthy baby. Everything else can wait...

 

Mr. Lucky