regretful and trying to move on

[jat0041]

Okay so Im in the middle of a divorce:

 

Before marriage I was faithful and she had trust issues, sex was okay, she was sexually adventurous, and intimate.

After wedding sex died down, intimacy died down, we learned about our sexual abusive past (she was raped twice, I was molested and abuse by older man when I was a kid)...she started becoming controlling, manipulative, unappreciative, emotionally withdrawn...I became more flirtatous and avoiding confrontation to make her happy...

This past year I realize how unhappy i was and did try to talk about it but she ignored it...she did feel sorry about intimacy stuff and we stopped talking about sex (which is psychologically disgusting to her)...I ended up cheating (not her fault)...She asked for divorce upon finding out, I agreed, she didn't want one, but I kept pursuing it...we were cordial until last feb when she became more hostile.

this past week I wanted to talk things out after seeing my therapist and counselor, but she was still controlling so I asked for forgiveness and apologized even after finding used condom wrappers in our apartment and that she went to see some guy in Atlanta (we live in jersey) I have emails to back it up...I "stalk" her emails, instagram because i want to see if she is okay...she was the cause of my demotion (well my actions were the cause but she didnt' have to report it...she did so to get me kicked out the military, I have forgiven her for that)....

 

long story short: she is ready to move on and now I'm struggling with the fear of the unknown and deeply regretable about my decsions...I tried to be strong for both of us and failed...my therapist ensures me that the divorce isn't all my fault since she was always emotionally distant, but deep down inside we both loved each other... the memories keep making me want to stay even thought its not a good relationship mentally and emotionally....I felt trapped, I felt like I was everyting to her but a husband....I know I wasn't pefect but I always tried to change to make her happy and she was never truly appreciative of anything I did for her....except back massages. There was never intimacy exept for sleeping at night and watching tv or doing things SHE wanted to do there was never any real support for what I wanted....

 

When I did brign up problems or she did...we would talk...she gets angry...she stops talking...and becomes more emotionally distant.....

 

I know you all think "you cheated you deserve to be hurt, she deserves the other guy, and she deserves to be free from you" and I agree with you in all honesty, but I'm truly remorseful for ALL my actions and I wish I was stronger, but I guess thats one of the things I learned about this marriage about myself...I want to be like her and move on but I'm still stalking her emails, instagram....She was a good woman overall and I believe I was a supportive husband overall but it hurts knowing I destroy the marriage...that I'm the sole reason.....I'm happy that she is able to move on, but now that WE decided not to talk about it anymore...I'm a mess inside....I'm seeing a therapist and it helps, im back in church, trying to get back into writing, etc...but i still think about her and want to know what she is doing even though she doesnt' care about me anymore....how can I as the original cheater deal with the fact that she is with soemone else as we divorce...how do i get over the guilt? I never cheated on anyone before her and it took four years before I broke....I'm lost and hurt and confused which I deserve, but will I ever be able to move on? her new instagram name is "noregrets" and she has all these qoutes that help her...and hurt me....and even if we were to get back together things would still be the same...my therapist (who was our marriage counselor) keeps telling me to leave her alone to heal on my own and I know im hurting myself by "stalking" her but its soooo hard....I really regret making my mistakes, but she wouldn't have gotten help (even now after her therapy she is still demanding/controlling)...so I realize this could be a good break but I feel like I'm losing my mind......again I know most of you are saying thats karma and i got what i deserve but I'm sorry and regretful but I'm ready to move on don't I deserve a second chance to be happy with someone else? any suggestions would be helpful....I'm just trying to move on as well.

 

I already asked her forgiveness and apologized and she still doesnt' want to talk.....I deserve everything that is happening but how long am I suppose to suffer? How do I cope with this divorce....HELP!

 

she emailed me today putting back on me " I take it you don't want to talk. I'm fine with that guess I'll see you in court"....but now i realized nothing will change because of her controlling ways...took four days for her to respond and she still didn't say she forgives...so I need the strength to move on but can't find it....

 

i'm spiritually, mentally, emotionally confused....I know we don't work but I also don't want to go back because of guilt or because I'm fearful of the future without her...I want to go back because I love her and vica versa but her actions even this week prove otherwise....

[dichotomy]

She was not a good spouse, treated you poorly, and you were very unhappy and tired to engage her in a solution which she refused to do - right? ....Did I sum up the per-affair situation?

 

If you did not have the affair, and things continued on - would you be miserable? Would she have changed, would you have changed? Was there going to be peace and satisfaction in the marriage for you or her ?

 

You accepted fault for the affair, asked for forgiveness. Your done. Stop stalking her communications unless their is some reason for information for the divorce court you need.

 

You can't go back the damage is done and I suspect she is damaged as well. You are accountable for your actions, took your punishment, sought forgiveness.

 

If you have some spiritual or religious affiliation - forgiveness is yours for the asking from a higher power - and even more so for your willingness to be accountable.

 

I think you are a good man and you should move forward.

Edited March 14, 2013 by dichotomy