Caught wife "cheating" for the second time.

[HurtingHeart1]

Hello, I have learned a lot from this site lately.

 

We have been married for 7.5 years, have two boys, 3 and 5, the oldest has Downs. About 2 years ago I found my wife had started an sexting relationship with a friend from high school, when I dicovered it, she lied a lot, and they moved to email and her office phone, but I discovered that, right before they were to meet up. So after sll that hell, I thought things were getting better, sex life still horrible, but she seemed ok.

 

Last night, she went out with a girlfriend to dinner, but I had a bad feeling, so I checked the phone records, and she had been texting and had call this guy for over an hour just today, that was all the records I could see. When she got home, she went to take a shower, and I checked her phone, and all were erased.

 

I confronted her then, she lied again, and then admitted, the guy is 47, we are 33. I called him and cussed him out. He did call me today, and said she lied to him, and said I was never home, and only around for the kids. So she was lying to both of us, he said nothing happened, and he is done with her.

 

I love her very much, she says I have done nothing wrong this time, she just wants things to be the way they were before we had kids. I do to, but that can't happen. I am very hurt, and I love my wife and family very much. I need her now, my Mom just started Chemo for Breast Cancer, and she was our babysitter and very close to us. It would kill me to tell her we are getting a divorce during this treatment.

 

Wife says she is sorry, and wants to go to therapy to find out why she is doing these things, but I do not know. I told her after the first time, to please not hurt me again, and now this.

 

The house is mine, I built it before we got married, I want to kick her out on the street, but I love my family too much.

 

Is there hope for us? Divorce would crush me amd my kids, I guess the wife also.

[Desert70]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how painful it is because my ex husband cheated on me at least three times. The first time the excuse was that we were too young when we got married (I was 17 and he was 22). Anyways, he did it again shortly after, but I didn't have enough proof and he denied it. Almost 3 years ago and after 23 years of marriage he did it again. This last time I took my stuff and my 3 daughters and moved out. I don't know the reasons for your wife's cheating, but what I do know is that once a cheater, always a cheater. Think of your children and what it would be like for them if you stay together. If you do, are you going to be able to forgive, forget and move on? If your answer is yes then it's worh to try. Good luck!

[Darren Steez]

You love your family yes, but that is not enough. A relationship has to be two people working together in trust and love.

 

That's twice she's cheated. From what you write you catch her she just takes it underground. Two different men. She says you are not together? What are her ends. What is the breaking point for you.

 

You forgave her the first time and she went ahead and continued to do it.

 

What are the consequences for her actions? More support and love from you. What has that solved.

 

She's repeatedly crossed the line. She's your wife. You decide whether you'll continued to be walked all over. Bringing up kids in an unhappy home is even worse. They will always have their mom.

[HurtingHeart1]

You are right, she is in the wrong, and I must see that, and I have to decide what to do. But it seems the way I handled it last time, did not work.

 

After last time, she did not change, or give one inch, I gave a mile.

 

I guess I know what I need to do, but we are going to talk tonight, so I will find out what her plan is to fix things, and it better be good.

[TaraMaiden]

"Fool me once, more fool you.

Fool me twice, more fool me."

 

Don't 'wait and see'.

 

That's what was meant to happen last time.

Let her go to Counselling all she likes.

It's something (again!) she should have investigated last time.

 

The time for compromise and assurance that "I will change" is over.

 

She knew that what she was doing entailed lying, deceit and subterfuge.

 

She consciously decided that this is what she wanted to do, instead of being faithful and true to you, and her word.

 

She made that choice.

 

Tell her any future you guys have is dependent on complete transparency, IC and MC.

 

If she really wants to salvage this - let her motivate herself to arrange the appointments.

 

And please remember:

MC isn't designed, necessarily, to keep couples together.

But it evens the playing field and gives you both a safe environment in which to communicate, honestly, directly and from the heart.

Questions:

 

Is your sex life still 'horrible'....?

 

Where does your responsibility lie within this mess....?

In other words - truly, honestly and soul-searchingly - have you neglected any part of the relationship which might have made her despair of being completely fulfilled with you?

[HurtingHeart1]

According to her, I have done nothing wrong this time, and I have changed the way she wanted.

 

But I guess that is not enough.

 

Sex life- once a week, maybe, she puts no effort at all, no intimacy, she tells me to hurry, and not touch her, just get it over with. It is so boring, sometimes I fake finishing just so I can stop. She could be asleep and it might be more fun. Been like this for over a year, maybe more. Before the first time, maybe sex once every 2-3 months. It picked up after she stopped the first affair, but soon went right back to her old habits. Says she is tired every night, but has enough energy to go run 10 miles 3-4 times a week, but not any for me.

 

She was too tired to talk last night, so I told her to have her plan ready tonight, we will see how much thought she puts into it, if I know her, it will not be much.

 

But whatever it is, I am going to say it is good, and this week, I am going to see a lawyer and start getting me things ready, without her knowing. I am done, but she does not know that. Maybe it will give me a bit of an advantage in the situation.

[nelib]

This behavior can't be healthy for your children to witness. Yes, you don't want to end your marriage. But you really need to ask yourself if there is even a marriage there to save. From what you are describing she doesn't seem like she cares about her marriage to you.

[HurtingHeart1]

This behavior can't be healthy for your children to witness. Yes, you don't want to end your marriage. But you really need to ask yourself if there is even a marriage there to save. From what you are describing she doesn't seem like she cares about her marriage to you.

 

You are correct, that is why I am going to a lawyer, and start the ball rolling. She says separation and therapy. But it will be an in our house separation because it would be costly to get her an apartment. But I told her she better call around and get prices, and get a therapy appointment tomorrow.

 

I do not understand her, she has made no plans, nothing to fall back on, no family here. And she still pulls these stunts. She never planned on the consequences, that makes me even madder.

 

I am done.

[HurtingHeart1]

I just found out she searched for him on Facebook this morning, the only thing I asked her not to do was contact him in any way, she could have used her work phone, I dont know.

 

I am hurting so bad, she was cold when I confronted her about it. That hurts even more.

 

I am dead inside, numb, just pain is all I feel. Now I have to destroy my kids lives, I am very sad.

 

How do I tell my mom, she is going through chemo, does not need this right now.

 

For my wife to do this to me now is horrid.

 

I am lost.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Hurting, I am so very sorry you again find yourself confronted with infidelity and the chaos created by your wife's behavior.

 

Great moves and mind set in gathering yourself, and planning an exit plan that is healthy for you and the children.

 

My story has many similarities to yours 2 separate infidelities by STBXH (who knows likely more), but different married 15 yrs and no children.

 

Because it's the second ride on this roller coaster, I am done because I realize I will not have the stamina or mental capacity for a third ride.

 

So long story short, while not what I want.....2 weeks ago I filed for divorce after 9 months of separation. Thru therapy, family, friends, and great advice found here; arrived at the conclusion there is simply no other way forward.

 

Overall things have improved, but I won't sugar coat the truth I struggle daily and am still extremely hurt.

 

Take very good care and be kind to yourself. ~Mystery

[HurtingHeart1]

Honestly you shouldn't believe the OM. He is just trying to cover his own a**. Also, if your wife cheat why were you the one changing? She needs to do the work not you.

 

I do not trust anything she says right now, and the OM had the courage to call me, and he did not sound like he was lying, he had nothing to gain.

 

But, there is not trust, she was still mad this morning. Said I should not be checking up on her, yeah right, I am looking for proof.

 

Can't find a lawyer fast enough, she told me I can not make her leave, but she is mistaken.

 

This SUCKS.

[Mint Sauce]

Your mom will obviously be saddened by the news, but don't you think she'd still prefer her son confiding in her with his grief?

 

Sometimes I think my father fought his cancer harder because he saw that I was not yet set for life, that I still needed him.

 

I'm sorry your wife is putting you through this. Sounds like she is in affair fog and lost all compassion.

[Cali408]

Take it from an ex-cheater. Throw her out. Here's the thing. You forgave her and gave her a second chance. She did it again. She will do it again. How cruel can one be to be given an emotionally clean slate and then do it again?

 

In all honesty, and from a completely selfish, narcissistic standpoint, I would love to talk to my affair partner. But I won't, because I love my wife and would never put her through that hurt. Nor would I want to have crumble what we rebuilt.

 

She needs to feel what it's like to lose everything. After 2 or 3 months, then evaluate, but she has to go. Not you, not the kids, her. She needs to know what it's like without all of you.

 

I'm sorry for your devastation and situation.

[HurtingHeart1]

I do not think I will re evaluate, I can not forgive this, not after everything before.

 

This is just killing me right now.

[bvelvet]

I forgave my wife for doing it once and she did it again. I should have been tougher the first time but take solace in the fact you were the better person in this (by a long ways). Now it's time to let her know you can't be with her given how she has treated you. You deserve better.

[HurtingHeart1]

She is enjoying herself, still going running, playing on Facebook ect.

 

I can not eat, sleep, it is all I can do to get the boys ready for school and make it through the work day. I am in horrible emotional shape, just hurting.

 

But she seems fine.

 

She got a therapy appointment for next week, but I do not care at all. She acted like she really did something.

 

It is time that she loses something, and feels some emotional pain.

[TaraMaiden]

File for divorce, apply for sole custody of the children, get a Financial Consent order signed by her.

 

Do these three, absolutely.

And think with your head, not your heart.

[HurtingHeart1]

I doubt in Louisiana that I will get custody, she would have to be a crack head or a felon, to give the dad custody here.

 

But I am trying to limit how much more she can screw me over.

[mark982]

shes treating you ike a chump..i vote dump her azz

[HurtingHeart1]

shes treating you ike a chump..i vote dump her azz

 

That is where my mind is at right now.

 

I feel looking back on this, she will regret her decisions. I treated her like a Queen. She treated me like $hit.

 

It still does not make it feel better.

[seibert253]

You need to start to detach and do what's best for you

 

Research what's called the 180, and start to apply it's princibles. Some of these include:

1. Any contact or conversations is about kids or finances, nothing else.

2. Don't answer calls or texts unless it's an emercency

3. No I love yous, avoid any physical contact.

4. Do things you want to do without her.

5. Engage in activities with the kids, without her.

6. Improve yourself. Join a gym, get in shape. Engage in new hobbies or activities you wanted to do, but never did.

7. Appear unemotional

 

These are just a few of the princables of the 180. The 180 is about moving on, detaching.

 

Next, retain an attorney and begin the D process. Do not tell her about it, just do it

Expose her A. Is the OM M'd or in a committed relationship? Aware his significant on what's been going on. Consider exposing her A to any friends or family members.

 

Bottom line; detach and she needs to see this. For her to get her head out of azz, she needs tosee your done and ready to give her the boot unless she gets her act together.

[HurtingHeart1]

You need to start to detach and do what's best for you

 

Research what's called the 180, and start to apply it's princibles. Some of these include:

1. Any contact or conversations is about kids or finances, nothing else.

2. Don't answer calls or texts unless it's an emercency

3. No I love yous, avoid any physical contact.

4. Do things you want to do without her.

5. Engage in activities with the kids, without her.

6. Improve yourself. Join a gym, get in shape. Engage in new hobbies or activities you wanted to do, but never did.

7. Appear unemotional

 

These are just a few of the princables of the 180. The 180 is about moving on, detaching.

 

Next, retain an attorney and begin the D process. Do not tell her about it, just do it

Expose her A. Is the OM M'd or in a committed relationship? Aware his significant on what's been going on. Consider exposing her A to any friends or family members.

 

Bottom line; detach and she needs to see this. For her to get her head out of azz, she needs tosee your done and ready to give her the boot unless she gets her act together.

 

 

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. I am in good shape, workout ect. I have not been talking to her today, except for kids.

 

I am going to see the lawyer soon.

 

I know she is still talking with him, she took her sex toy from her nightstand, the toy she has had for about 3 years and never used, even though I encouraged we play with it together. She did the same thing last time when she did not quit talking to the other guy, whit her other toy.

 

I just can not figure out how they are communicating, she has gone way underground this time.

 

I just do not understand, a 47 year old man???

 

I have his phone number, should I call him and ask if she had been contacting him?

[TaraMaiden]

No, there's no point, and you know it.

What you're doing, by doing that, is exposing yourself to pain even further - and exposing a plan you have, because sure as eggs is eggs, you'll start talking and your heart will run away with your tongue.

 

You have to keep the emotional/personal out of this.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel or care - what I AM saying is that in matters of this kind, official, done by lawyers, you have to operate from a sound base of logic, reason and calculated moves, not fire off like some hypersensitive, hair-trigger machine-gun....

 

That causes extreme damage - but achieves nothing but holes in your arguments.

[HurtingHeart1]

No, there's no point, and you know it.

What you're doing, by doing that, is exposing yourself to pain even further - and exposing a plan you have, because sure as eggs is eggs, you'll start talking and your heart will run away with your tongue.

 

You have to keep the emotional/personal out of this.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel or care - what I AM saying is that in matters of this kind, official, done by lawyers, you have to operate from a sound base of logic, reason and calculated moves, not fire off like some hypersensitive, hair-trigger machine-gun....

 

That causes extreme damage - but achieves nothing but holes in your arguments.

 

 

Thank you, I slept some last night, and feel better.

 

If she wants some 47 year old college student, that is fine. It hurts like hell, but I have to be done.

 

I just need to get her out of my house, but not sure how. I need proof of physical affair, and if she is out of the house, she may slip up and I will get it.

 

After talking to a lawyer friend, it will cost me a fortune to get rid of her, after she gets a lawyer.

[TaraMaiden]

Right now, just file for divorce.

If the house is in joint names, can you find a way of buying her out?

or else, you WILL have to sell, and divide by 2.....

Adultery is a culpable action, and damages the heart and emotions - but in divorce, it's just a cause.

 

If you can, hire a PI.

All you need is proof she's going elsewhere, just once......