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Still love ex-spouse but know you can't reconcile?


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I have realized that I still love my ex-wife. I'm not sure exactly what the definition of "love" is, but I do think about her a lot even after 1 year separation/divorce.

 

So why not reconcile? Because every time I go down that road of considering it, I remember why we divorced. There are things that I just couldn't handle. I tried my hardest but I couldn't handle them. I am trying not to even label her as an abuser anymore because that means I still harbor resentment towards her. I just tell myself now that her behavior didn't allow me to live at peace and safety. That's all I will say. Yet...why do I still love her? Is it not love, but just lingering memories of the time we've spent together and children we have?

 

If anyone must know, counselling is/was useless. Why? Because the very issue I have with her, she doesn't even view as an issue. She and her family actually pride themselves on their pushy, bullying behavior. Sure, they might not condone her attacks, but the idea is the same: she and they pride themselves on their aggressive behavior. What she did to me is merely a symptom of their philosophy of life. And she flat out tells me that she won't change how she is in this regard. So I kind of have my answer right there.

 

Anybody else know what I'm talking about?

Edited by M30USA
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Yes, I'm in the same boat as you..I have been divorced since march and seperated for two years before that. I still love her but can't be with her. It's almost like a toothache that never goes away.

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Yes, I'm in the same boat as you..I have been divorced since march and seperated for two years before that. I still love her but can't be with her. It's almost like a toothache that never goes away.

 

I know exactly what you mean.

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It's actually hurting my quality of life, I can't seem to fully move on....I've decided no more contact with her, I have to get out of this funk some how...It's so hard, we were together for 17 years.

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Are you sure you are still in love with her?

 

Maybe you just miss being needed by her, aka she gave your life a bit more purpose per say.

 

I think the only way you can tell is by entering into a new relationship and being with someone else for a while. Just my two cents...

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Are you sure you are still in love with her?

 

Maybe you just miss being needed by her, aka she gave your life a bit more purpose per say.

 

I think the only way you can tell is by entering into a new relationship and being with someone else for a while. Just my two cents...

 

 

I tried this, and I think that's how I realized I still love her..I have to allow myself to feel what I feel and deal with it.

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It's actually hurting my quality of life, I can't seem to fully move on....I've decided no more contact with her, I have to get out of this funk some how...It's so hard, we were together for 17 years.

 

That's rough. We had only 5 years. But you know what? I'm realizing you can't repress feelings. The people who seem to have the most success moving on are those who embrace their past. You have to actually appreciate and be thankful for the good moments you've had with that person. There are still times when I find myself laughing over some funny thing that happened with my ex wife. Then I question myself, wondering if I should be laughing. Things are complicated sometimes.

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I have realized that I still love my ex-wife. I'm not sure exactly what the definition of "love" is, but I do think about her a lot even after 1 year separation/divorce.

 

So why not reconcile? Because every time I go down that road of considering it, I remember why we divorced. There are things that I just couldn't handle. I tried my hardest but I couldn't handle them. I am trying not to even label her as an abuser anymore because that means I still harbor resentment towards her. I just tell myself now that her behavior didn't allow me to live at peace and safety. That's all I will say. Yet...why do I still love her? Is it not love, but just lingering memories of the time we've spent together and children we have?

 

If anyone must know, counselling is/was useless. Why? Because the very issue I have with her, she doesn't even view as an issue. She and her family actually pride themselves on their pushy, bullying behavior. Sure, they might not condone her attacks, but the idea is the same: she and they pride themselves on their aggressive behavior. What she did to me is merely a symptom of their philosophy of life. And she flat out tells me that she won't change how she is in this regard. So I kind of have my answer right there.

 

Anybody else know what I'm talking about?

 

 

Dear Mr. M30USA,

 

If you have a sensitive digestive tract, you may want to skip this post. I'm just trying to help. Apologies in advance.

 

Other things, besides love, are your issue, IMO.

 

 

Pride. Anyone is going to suffer an injury to their pride in a situation like yours, especially a man. Solution to an injury to your pride is to "re-define" pride. As Homer McDonald would say, "pride can be a steel ball in your pocket that no one sees, or pride can be a big balloon that anyone can pop."

 

 

Mediation Between Your Conscious & Sub-Conscious: Reality testing determines you sense of self esteem, confidence, ego. You can direct and control all of these "sense" outcomes if you want to through "choice" and "free will."

 

 

Choice and Free Will: You can choose to harbor resentment. You can choose to live in peace and safety. You can choose to "love" a person despite their pushy, bullying behavior, if this makes you happy. If aformentioned does not make you happy, you can choose divorce. Or, on the other hand, you had the free will (as they did), to can accept the person as they were, and enjoy their other attributes.

 

 

Marriage is about compromise. You cannot change the person once you get married. You knew this girl and her family when you proposed to her, when you started a family with her, correct? It was your choice to begin a marriage with her. Did anyone put a gun to your head? It was yours or her choice to end the marriage because one or both persons in the marriage could not tolerate the temprement of the other (apparently).

 

 

Poor, Pitful Me Syndrome: Isn't it bad what she did? Isn't terrible how bullying and pushy she and her family is? Isn't it just pathetic how hard I tried, because I didn't want to harbor resentment? I mean, I even went out of my way NOT TO lable her as an "abuser" - Heaven forbids:sick::sick::sick:!!! HOW COULD SHE NOT EVEN VIEW THIS AS AN ISSUE! Can you imagine, she and her family actually PRIDE THEMSELVES on aggressive behaviour! Well, I never....

 

 

Alright, point made. (I'm guilty of the same thing, M30USA, but I'm learning.)

 

 

Needs vs Wants/Desires: You do not need love to survive. You do not need your wife to be happy. You do not need to have you wife to live. In fact you do not need to live for that matter, technically. But to live, all you REALLY NEED is food, water, air and shelter. And in some places, you do not need shelter.

 

 

Love is nice. It is nice to desire, want and/or have love. But you do not need love, it is something you can emotionally and biologically live without. This is a fact. If you had no love in your life - you are not going to die. Another fact - it is possible to be happy without a relationship or marriage.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, some suggestions.

 

 

(1) "Stop wanting her." (You always want something you can no longer have, even if it's bad for you).

 

 

(2) Do things that will make you happy. What will make you happy? Being in the company of other women, that is what will make you a happy man.

 

 

(3) If child or children are involved, you must have contact with her, and probably an SO also. Be "candy apple" nice as spice. Happy talk, nice talk. "Howz the weather?" "Would you like me to bring the check over, or shall I mail it? What is your preference, dear?" Oh, how is "__________" doing, I see he got a new motor bike. Have you updated his life insurance policy recently? He is such a sport! I really like him! Good choice, honey!

 

Nice talk, happy talk. Then zoom off in your jag. You get my drift.

 

 

(4) Get ballistic about any money issues - pull a 180 personality switch when it comes to this topic. Act "as if" you were her when it comes to finances. "A left turn," a "Dr. Jeckle, Mr. Hyde," cross your eyes, get manic crazy. Do this to confuse the heck outta her, just for fun. Then go right back to being Mr. Nice Nice if anyone approaches.

 

 

(5) Most importantly, GIVE UP. GIVE UP FOR REAL. Look reality square in the eye. Can you really imagine any future with this woman? Forget all this abuse nonsense. Whenever these nagging issues are raging in your mind, think about, in graphic detail, any conduct, physically, she has had since she has been in your bed. Tell her some time how it grossed you out. Eventually, that can become a BIG turn off.

 

But hopefully, by that time, you will have displaced such images of HER with "happy thoughts" of new experiences with other female aquaintences (that is, if you heard anything I took the time to tell you here. And if you did, your biggest problem in six months to one year from now, is gonna be how ya get rid of her). Good luck to you, Yas

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Well...her family are the ones who have been acting all chipper and swell like they came right out of Leave It To Beaver. I understand your reasoning for promoting this, but I just can't do this and be real. When I consider that TWO DAYS before their chipper mode they were all trashing me in court and trying to rip my children from me by false accusations, it just makes me sick to even consider smiling and shaking their hands. I will communicate with them when necessary and not say anything rude or mean. That is me being nice.

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Well...her family are the ones who have been acting all chipper and swell like they came right out of Leave It To Beaver. I understand your reasoning for promoting this, but I just can't do this and be real. When I consider that TWO DAYS before their chipper mode they were all trashing me in court and trying to rip my children from me by false accusations, it just makes me sick to even consider smiling and shaking their hands. I will communicate with them when necessary and not say anything rude or mean. That is me being nice.

 

Com on, Beev, ya can do better than that. Don't give me "Well....blah, blah." False Accusations, BS. Who cares now?

 

Screw Court. It's behind you, literally and figuratively. Do you read me?

 

If you feel sick, go behind the bushes and puke if ya have to.

 

Jeez. I worked my azz off on that post. Get with the program. And, I give you big credit for having the guts to give me a "like."

 

Hey, man, just sleep on it. Yas

 

PS I saw a great idea on CSI last nite. Some reporter bitch got killed during a newscast. Her go-for boy, whom she frequently sent to fetch her cafe-latte harbored some resentment towards her, and was a suspect in the killing. Later, in the investagation, CSI discover uric acid in a discarded coffee cup. Turns out boy Friday was making a little deposit after retreving her beverage from the coffee machine.

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Yas, great stuff as usual.

Yes, I also love my sbxw. Together for 27 years! Its only the beginig of the fiasco (2 months) since I was booted out of house. I will always have a yearnig for her. As Denisnx said above, my wife gave me purpose and direction. She was part of me. But now, even though she says she still loves me, there is nothing to work out. Im just thankful my kids are 16 and 18.

M30usa, what ive learned that really helps me is to really do as much of the NC as possible. I went absoulty crazy when I reviewed our family cell phone records - likley there is a 3rd party (god I hope not) that started this breakup. I was serioulsy in the darkest spot in my life (im just a bit up from there).

M30usa, I have this inkling that if I am with another women, either emotionally or physically, that I would be able to feel better and lose the longing for x. But you intimated that you have done this and you still feel the love for her. Scary to know many of us will be feeling this way for some time. My main thing to help me is to stay positive and not think too much. Live each day.

In a way, I am more alive now then I ever was in the last say 10 years of my marriage (alive does not equate to happy here). So I look at this as a chapter in my life (im 49) and try to put this in perspective. It was so bad I had to get some help when I was in the darkest spots. I also have socilized more in the last 3-4 weeks then I did in the last 5 years of my marriage. I mean, I was on auto pilot in my marriage. I failed in many areas of my marriage and have learned some good lessons. its a day to day thing.

Do you feel better then you did 10 months ago? I hope the longing has diminsihed somewhat for her. Hang in there, we must be strong.

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The people who seem to have the most success moving on are those who embrace their past. You have to actually appreciate and be thankful for the good moments you've had with that person. There are still times when I find myself laughing over some funny thing that happened with my ex wife. Then I question myself, wondering if I should be laughing. Things are complicated sometimes.

Disagree with this almost entirely, those that have the most success moving on reject the past since it didn't work for them. The nostalgic and revisionist history you're feeling is just a place to put your fear of the future that lies ahead. It's natural to be scared of the unknown but not productive to let that trepidation hold you back.

 

Just as you got married for a reason (the good part you're remembering), you got separated and/or divorced for a reason also. There are healthier and more fulfilling relationships out there than the one you describe with your STBX wife. Challenge yourself to find one...

 

Mr. Lucky

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