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Wife leaving for another woman


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I have been married for almost 18 years; have two sons, 16and 10. My wife is 43 me 49. When I came back from the winter vacation with my younger son (it was a hockey tournament not avacation) I have found out that my wife put an ad on in local paper looking fora woman “friend”. They met couple of times behind my back pretending that they are old high-school friends. While I was gone in Canada, they spend time together in our house while I was accompanying our son

When I confronted my wife she did not deny it, how could she with all the email evidence I had, and told me it’s all over and that she wantsout

I was devastated with all the betrayal and lies she did to me. Yes, just like any other marriages we had ups and downs, but it was nothing we could not resolve and discuss. But...

 

That’s not all! A few days ago she told me she started having feelings for women 4 years ago but she didnot understand what it was!!! She said she wanted to keep marriage going because she was affraid to be judged. My jaw dropped to the floor

I feel I was living in a lie for 4 years.

 

Her new friendship is only one month old but she is so “blind”to everything she is doing that I have very hard time to keep my anger undercontrol

I have been main “bread maker” for duration of our marriage,she had a decent job maybe for 2 years. We mutually agreed to this, because the kids where first priority andhaving her home with them was very important to both of us.

I feel like my world just turned upside down. The hardest part of all of this (beside the effect this will have on the kids) is that sheblames ME for all of this

[What a big pile of … I do not get it. It’s like me saying that I will turn gay because my wife was not nice to me and left me! Come on for god’s sake!

 

All I wish at this point that she would leave us to live with her lover, so three of us can move on. But she is a too big of coward to do it!

 

I do not know if this is some kind of female mid-life crises or what, but I do not think I will be ever able to get over this even if she comes back begging.

I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and find out his or her take on this. I am sure I am not the first guy this has happened to. We will see what tomorrow brings. I live for my boys now!

Edited by Solim
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It's common for a WS (wayward spouse) to "blameshift." The fact is that while you may own 50% of the marital problems, she gets to own 100% of the decision to cheat. And you most certainly didn't cause her to be gay. Waywards will twist their head into a pretzel trying to justify what they are doing. Doesn't mean you have to buy it.

 

Speak with an attorney about your options. Regardless of how little she has worked or her infidelity, she's still likely entitled to half of your marital assets (and obligated to half of the marital liabilities) but I wouldn't want her in the house or to fund her new lifestyle any longer than necessary. It's time for her to move out and get a job.

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I don't know what's worse,your WW leaving for a woman or mine leaving for several men!

 

Either way,I was in mine for 18 yrs.It was the best thing in my life when she went away,I didn't see it all in the beginning (5 months ago) but now I am very happy and my joy is back.Hang on to your boys,they will need you more and more at their ages.Don't blame yourself for this,that's what WW's want you to do.

 

In my case my DD14 says that STBXWW's one fella is my age but short and bald,this makes me happy as I am a good looking dude and dress very sharp.At least they tell me that!

 

You can relish in the fact that your WW is with another woman who is probably just like your WW!Think about that.She deserves all of the future aggravation she is trying to cause you my friend.

 

Whatever you do,don't run after her,you will only get hurt,I know.You will get stronger every time you say no to her calls and emails.She will call and she will send messages.This is your time to deny her.It feels good to say no sometimes.

 

REVITUP

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Regardless of it is the WS is leaving you for ~ none of that really matters. The interpersonal dynamics ~ the fundamentals of it all remain by and large the same. The lies, the cheating, the "gas-lighting" re-writing the martial hisotry, etc ~ yada ~ yada.

 

What is the most important dynamic in all of this is your maintaining a good and solid enviornment for the Dear Sons, and that means maintaining a good parential relationship with them ~ that is to say don't try and become their "Buddy" ~ but be "Dad"

 

At thier ages their brains are literally not fully developed, and they've got too much on their plates already to have this added to it.

 

You've got to "man-up" and do everything that you can to be the one solid rock to which they can cling to and find shelter from the storm that has come upon you and them ` not to mention the ones that are yet to come.

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Your wife probably was curious or maybe even bi, possibly a lesbian all along and only recently has she woken up and realized she prefers women. It sucks and it hurts, it's shi.tty and won't be easy to go through a D. But, do you really want to stay with her knowing what you know now? Even if she chooses to stay with you, you'll always wonder if she wants women.

 

Put yourself first, focus on finding a good family therapist to help you ALL cope with this. Your kids, you and her will still be a family, just not under the same roof. You two still have to co parent together.

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Feelin Frisky

Welcome to LS. Sorry such heartbreak brings you here. I have nothing on your level in my past but once when me and the ex fiance were having problems but I thought we were back together she chose to go out with some female I never met rather than have some afternoon sex I so desired. I actually begged and said it's fine for her to go see this Irene chick that night. But she wouldn't give in to me in the afternoon. I had to ration that either she and Irene were involved or she wanted to go cruising for guys and only come see me if she doesn't connect with someone else. I had the real hots because I had drank the previous night and I always dig sex when I have a hang-over. I cried at the feeling of being number two behind some other woman or last choice of men. I fell asleep and sure enough at 2 am she shows up alone. Where the hell was she and where was this Irene chick? It felt so awful to be treated like that by your number one. Perhaps that was the last straw. The marriage was off after that.

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