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OMG!! I'm devastated. Divorce after 2 months of marriage


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I need advice. I am seeking a divorce from my husband after only 2 months of marriage and two years of dating, one year which we lived together. I went on his computer last week only to find that he was a member of a swinger website (since 2002) and had been contacting members on there the entire time we were dating, engaged, right before the wedding and even after the honeymoon. What is more is that he was contacting men as well as couples and women which leads me to believe that he lacks sexual identity and may be on the "other" team. We are both highly educated professionals in our mid 30s, not 20s!! We have no children and thank god I am not pregnant.

 

When I confronted him, he closed his computer and told me that it was nothing. He told me that he had never met any of these people in person. He them went on to tell me that he feels empty inside and needs to figure out what he is comfortable with. At one point, he also told me that what he was doing was for us. ??? He asked me to forgive him. But when I asked to go back on the website and/or see the email account linked to the website (an email account I had no idea existed ). He refused to show me them. Lying to my face and telling me that the account is now deleted and he can't go back in. BS!!!! He closed the laptop. He didn't delete the account.

 

The only red flags I knew of was his problem with depression/anxiety for which he was obtaining illegal prescription drugs, which I saw as his way of self medicating. I made him start seeing a psychiatrist. He swore to me that he would never take pills not prescribed to him ever again. Since this event, I found out that he has been obtaining prescription medications illegally and had been lying to me the ENTIRE time.

 

There is no trust in this marriage. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I recently got tested for HIV etc. He claims that he hasn't had sex with anyone but he is also a pathologic liar.

 

I am so hurt and embarrassed and humiliated. How could this happen to me?

 

The only thing I keep thinking about is that he is probably so depressed because he is repressing his desire to be a swinger or gay and that I could have possibly found myself 5-10 years later with child when he tells me that he is leaving me to go live out his life with a man.

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As this is a psychological trauma, I would recommend some IC sessions and possibly a medical referral short term.

 

Do you have the ability to live independently while you sort through this?

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This is very traumatic. I have lost 6 lbs in the past week. I can't eat, sleep, think STRAIGHT. My self esteem, my sense of worth....everything is crushed. I feel like I am living out a Lifetime Network Movie.

 

I haven't stopped crying since this happened last week. I changed the locks to my condo, put in security system, carry pepper spray, filed for a divorce, got a restraining order, met with attorney......GOD help me.

 

All he was concerned about was getting his tangible items out of my condo. Not caring about the destruction he has left.

 

This is so UNREAL

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Invite a couple of close friends over, share a bottle of wine and make some simple hors d'oeuvres and distract yourself from this temporarily.

 

I recall, while I was going through my D, my best friend and his wife had a standing dinner invitation for me each weekend, without fail. He had gone through a painful D nearly 30 years ago and knew exactly what to do.

 

I'd still look into a couple of IC sessions. This 'stuff' is only beginning. IC can help with emotional strength.

 

My sympathies.

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I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are lucky to have discovered this only two months into your marriage; easy enough to get annulled.

 

Something similar happened to me except that I had been married for five years when I came home early from work and found my husband having sex with another man....

 

I totally understand the feelings of betrayal. Your first step is to get tested for STDs and AIDS. Get tested every six months, at least. There is probably nothing you can do to help him if he has been lying and taking illegal drugs the whole time. I think you will be better off without him while he works through his own demons....

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Illegal Rx drugs as in Canadian? Very odd behavior for highly educated adult.

 

Often those fearful of professional issues, seek Rx in faux name, pay cash for appt and the drug. Never shows up under their name of course.

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This is very traumatic. I have lost 6 lbs in the past week. I can't eat, sleep, think STRAIGHT. My self esteem, my sense of worth....everything is crushed. I feel like I am living out a Lifetime Network Movie.

 

I haven't stopped crying since this happened last week. I changed the locks to my condo, put in security system, carry pepper spray, filed for a divorce, got a restraining order, met with attorney......GOD help me.

 

All he was concerned about was getting his tangible items out of my condo. Not caring about the destruction he has left.

 

This is so UNREAL

 

Talk to your family.

And his, too.

Be completely open, and follow carhill's advice. Lean on people, and gain a support network.

This must have been such a shock....

Rely on us, we'll help in any way we can.

 

Take care of you.

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2.50 a gallon

nelib

 

My story is similar in that my marriage lasted a whole six months. I too felt all the emotions that you are now processing, including the embarrasment and humilation. What will my friends and family think?

 

What you are now experiencing are the darkest days, and from what I read though you don't realize it, somehow you are retaining enough sanity to begin moving on in life, by filing and getting him out of youe life for good.

 

When I went though this, one of my biggest problems was trying to get her out of my mind. At first it seemed like that was all I could think about.

 

In order to get some relief I dove back into my hobbies that I had backed off from during our short marriage. I also realized that this was a second chance at life, and I branched out into other interests that I had always thought of trying. I failed at raising orchids, but did succeed in raising rare and hard to breed tropical fish. The fish thing was treating the little boy in me who had always wanted a fish tank.

 

Knowing that someday in the future I would want to get back into the dating game, I hit on the idea of teaching myself how to cook some gourmet meals. That was a triple bonus, as cooking them I had to concentrate on what I was doing, i.e. not thinking about her, plus I ended up with a great meal, and later they were a great hit when I got back into dating.

 

So my suggestion to you is to try something new that will get your mind off of your problems, and you will be surprised how quickly those precious seconds of relief turn into minutes, hours and in the future whole days.

 

And though it is hard to believe at present, have faith, with time you will recover, and find some one new.

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I need advice. I am seeking a divorce from my husband after only 2 months of marriage and two years of dating, one year which we lived together. I went on his computer last week only to find that he was a member of a swinger website (since 2002) and had been contacting members on there the entire time we were dating, engaged, right before the wedding and even after the honeymoon. What is more is that he was contacting men as well as couples and women which leads me to believe that he lacks sexual identity and may be on the "other" team. We are both highly educated professionals in our mid 30s, not 20s!! We have no children and thank god I am not pregnant.

 

When I confronted him, he closed his computer and told me that it was nothing. He told me that he had never met any of these people in person. He them went on to tell me that he feels empty inside and needs to figure out what he is comfortable with. At one point, he also told me that what he was doing was for us. ??? He asked me to forgive him. But when I asked to go back on the website and/or see the email account linked to the website (an email account I had no idea existed ). He refused to show me them. Lying to my face and telling me that the account is now deleted and he can't go back in. BS!!!! He closed the laptop. He didn't delete the account.

 

The only red flags I knew of was his problem with depression/anxiety for which he was obtaining illegal prescription drugs, which I saw as his way of self medicating. I made him start seeing a psychiatrist. He swore to me that he would never take pills not prescribed to him ever again. Since this event, I found out that he has been obtaining prescription medications illegally and had been lying to me the ENTIRE time.

 

There is no trust in this marriage. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I recently got tested for HIV etc. He claims that he hasn't had sex with anyone but he is also a pathological liar.

 

I am so hurt and embarrassed and humiliated. How could this happen to me?

 

The only thing I keep thinking about is that he is probably so depressed because he is repressing his desire to be a swinger or gay and that I could have possibly found myself 5-10 years later with child when he tells me that he is leaving me to go live out his life with a man.

 

I don't see how this defines you as the person that you are? Because he's not got his act together ~ means you don't have yours together? How does his shortcomings, his ineptitude define you as an individual, as a person?

 

Because he's __________~ makes you so? Because you made a decision to be with this azzhat based on false and misleading infromation, lies mean your less than the caring, giving, loving, nuturing, sharing, gregarious person that you were? That your not the same intelligent, educated, informed person that you were before you meet him?

 

I really don't think so!

 

 

Regardless, things happen to us in life? And things are going to happen to us in life! S*** happens!

 

The simple fact of the matter is? We can take it and let it consume us and define who and what we are?

 

Or we can take it, learn from it, grow from it, and become better people because of it ~ and let that define us!

 

You simply got blind sided and gas-lighted by "news you could have used" up-front and beforehand. And its possible that he couldn't have done that because he's 'doing the worse kind of lying? ~ Lying to himself! You can't be straight up and honest with someone else until your straight up and honest with yourself!

 

Forgive him~ and move on!

 

But frist?

 

Forgive yourself and quit beating yourself up!

 

Your good people! Your smart, intellegent, obviouslly well educated, well read, well informed, experienced ~ you've got it together!

 

Forget this guy! Not because he's this or that? But because you deserve a guy that knows who and what he is, what he's about, is secure in himself, doesn't need porn one way or the other, isn't fixated about his 80 year old wife looking like a HBX10 Playboy bunny when he's 90?

Edited by Gunny376
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I found computer evidence of some of the same kinds of things you described (and he also used over the counter and prescription meds way too often, mostly for a physical problem, but I always felt he was overmedicating, and drinking too). Except I was 9 years into my marriage and he dropped the bomb on me that he wanted out.

 

When I finally confronted him recently on the computer evidence that I found (I wanted to be moved out before I brought that up), he acted in a similar way. First he was dead silent but didn't deny it, then later through text message tried acting like it was nothing.

 

I was absolutely devastated in the beginning too, it hurts like no other. In the beginning days and weeks I tried to focus on certain "to do" items on a weekly basis. I moved out so that took a lot of my focus, finding a place, sorting through my finances, packing, etc. Initially just go day by day.

 

As the weeks go by and you start processing this more you'll see more clearly that this is for the best. I realized that I do NOT want to be married to someone like this and even though this hurts it's the best for me.

 

Take care of yourself and try to keep busy - make plans with friends even if you don't feel like it. Once you get out you'll feel better and learn that you can still laugh again.

 

And seek counseling, that has helped me a lot. I feel better after every counseling session.

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Sounds like he's struggled with this for a long time.

 

You should give him the option of wiping the slate clean before you leave. If you want to, anyway. The weight of his secrets could be crushing him, and giving him a fresh start option, as long as it's a real fresh start, could feel like a new lease on life for him.

 

Just my take.

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Everyday feels like it is worse than the day before. Was there even an option to stay with him and working things out privately? He was a compulsive liar. I couldn't trust him anymore. I filed for divorce. I had no other option. He gave me no other option. I feel like my life is over. I have so much pain. I feel so alone.

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Everyday feels like it is worse than the day before. Was there even an option to stay with him and working things out privately? He was a compulsive liar. I couldn't trust him anymore. I filed for divorce. I had no other option. He gave me no other option. I feel like my life is over. I have so much pain. I feel so alone.

 

One of the worst days I had after 22 years of marriage was the day I filed the divorce. I was bereft. It took some time, lots of crying and more time to have less pain. I do now and I definitely knew that I needed to leave him, but it was really just so hard.

 

You did the only thing you could do. You will feel better, really.

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I write letters to myself on my computer. I can't send them to him because he may use them against me since we are now going through the divorce. I have such conflicting emotions. Feelings that I didn't know where possible. I love him and yet I feel so much hate towards him. I want to hurt him but I can stand the thought of hurting him. How could he do this to us? He must have known at some point that what he was doing was going to hurt me.

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He must have known at some point that what he was doing was going to hurt me.

Many with this type of addiction do not know they are going to hurt others. They believe in their narcissistic mind that they can insulate others from their lies and deceit. They believe they can live the lie.

 

He may have genuinely cared for you (I know my husband did). But it won't stop them from pursuing what they believe they deserve. You just have to know it is not YOU. You *will* be fine; trust me. It will take time and there will be a world of hurt before you find love again, but it WILL happen.

 

<hugs>

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My xH loved me very much and thought he would change when we got married. He couldn't.

 

Do not go down the hole where you beat yourself up for not knowing. You couldn't have.

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2.50 a gallon

nelib

 

I caught my ex kissing a co-worker on our six month anniversary and immediately tossed her to the curb.

 

She wanted to reconcile and that made it all the worse, as I still loved her madly, and all I had to do was say, "yes we will try again", and the emptiness and being alone would disappear. But as you say the trust was gone, and there was no way I could have a family with her and spend the rest of my life looking back over my shoulder, wondering whether she would still be with me tomorrow.

 

These are the darkest days.

 

Alas, there is no pill or shot that you can take to make the pain go away, only time. But with time you will begin to heal and find a new and brighter future.

 

It will happen

 

Please keep posting

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marriage fever is a bitch...

 

its funny how you discovered it 2 months after the "marriage"... did you keep your eyes closed the entire 2 years you were dating him?

 

most people see this crap 10000 miles away...

Edited by CptSaveAho
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marriage fever is a bitch...

 

its funny how you discovered it 2 months after the "marriage"... did you keep your eyes closed the entire 2 years you were dating him?

 

most people see this crap 10000 miles away...

 

Some people are very good at hiding these kinds of things. Some unsuspecting spouses might be naive, yes, but some of us also trusted our spouses and did not go digging through their things to see if they are hiding something because we didn't suspect any need to.

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marriage fever is a bitch...

 

its funny how you discovered it 2 months after the "marriage"... did you keep your eyes closed the entire 2 years you were dating him?

 

most people see this crap 10000 miles away...

 

They do, huh? Got any stats to support this claim?

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Originally Posted by CptSaveAho

its funny how you discovered it 2 months after the "marriage"... did you keep your eyes closed the entire 2 years you were dating him?

 

most people see this crap 10000 miles away..

 

Yes, like this man's friends and neighbours really all knew what was going on, and oh look - I believe they were less than 10000 miles away...

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Yes, like this man's friends and neighbours really all knew what was going on, and oh look - I believe they were less than 10000 miles away...

 

Sorry for the t/j but, good grief. How awful.

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My xH loved me very much and thought he would change when we got married. He couldn't.

 

Do not go down the hole where you beat yourself up for not knowing. You couldn't have.

 

Oh for sure and certain! I call them "Life Traps" ~ you're clicking along, the sun is shinning, your out rubbing a little sun shine on your face, the blue birds or singing ~ and then BAM! You find yourself falling into one of them suckers! Out of no where! I think there fourth cousins twice removed from Black Holes ~ because they just seem to come out of no where, and then BAM~ out of no where and without expecting it? You fall in to one!

 

And then after that? Once you've get sucked into one? You find yourself getting sucked into a seemingly never ending "Rabbit Hole" (aka "Alice In Wonderland type") and the world and Life gets so surreal, and you sitting around thinking WTF!!!

 

You run around screaming and shouting with your hands in the air like the kid from "Home Alone" and then you find yourself stumbbling and fumbling throught the goal posts of life?

 

Then you get to really beating yourself up! Really bad ~ and its noting but an excercise in futility ~ because it wasn't you that was or is flawed but the other person ~ but the other person couldn't fully communicate that to you because they didn't really know ~ because they were really trining not to be~ be because of family, religious, societial, culturual, sub-cultural ,............................

 

As I said nothing but a damned rabbit hole!

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