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Is It Cheating If We're Separated?


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Old 18th December 2012, 11:22 AM   #1
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Is It Cheating If We're Separated?

I'll try to make this as short as possible as to not bore anyone; or try to, at least. My "husband" and I are not separated, living apart. We are in the process of annulment. (He cheated on me before the wedding, and coerced me with threats to marry him). Anyway, during our relationship which lasted 5 years, he was always very controlling and mentally abusive. I hate to use the word "abusive", since so many women do overuse it to the point that nearly nobody takes it seriously anymore...however, it was indeed abuse.

He broke my trust more times than I care to count. He refused to stop smoking pot, which I am very against. He knew that, so he chose to hide it from me time and time again. I'd usually find it. Right after our wedding, I found a whopping $250 worth of pot hidden in his golf bag. When I confronted him on it, he said he was going to sell it to get more money off of it, so I shouldn't be upset at how much he spent on it. Uh, isn't that DEALING DRUGS?

Also, he did other things such as refusing to put my name on "our" bank account, spent our wedding money and didn't tell me where any of it went, cheated on me with my friend by asking her to have a threesome with us (as if I'd even want to!), lied, lied, lied. Finally, after many other things as well, my trust was completely broken. I had become a different person because of him--always just feeling as though I had to 'accept' his actions because no matter how much I begged, he never changed anything. So I was living miserably as he went about doing whatever he wanted, knowing I would have to just 'deal with it'.

I make a lot less money than he does, so he's always threatened me with destitution. He threatens to turn everyone against me, and he has been successful in that so far (lying to them, telling them I cheated on him, etc.) I never did cheat, by the way... Anyway, I finally left him and we live apart now. He still likes to make my life Hell throughout this process, and I am depressed...very depressed.

There is a man who I am interested in, and he is kind and warm, normal and sweet. I want to go on a date with him, but I am afraid to because of what my ex-husband will do if he finds out. But that makes me feel like I'm still his prisoner. I just want to be free and live life to the fullest, and be happy. But since we're separated, is it cheating? Would he have the right to be mad? We live in a no-fault state, so the legality of it isn't an issue. Please help!
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Old 18th December 2012, 1:25 PM   #2
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I suggest you take that kind, warm, normal, and sweet fellow to bed and begin expunging the horrific memories of your stbx-husband.
Hate to be so blunt, but good Lord, you're a woman who deserves happiness and relief from the insanity.
You're psychologically entrapped too, and I suggest therapy, immediately. You've lost your own sense of self, but you can regain it back and become stronger.
I will pray for you.
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Old 18th December 2012, 1:29 PM   #3
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IMO, it's only 'cheating' if there is an explicit agreement to fidelity during a separation and one of the parties to that agreement abrogates it covertly. 'Covertly', meaning deceptively, is what defines 'cheating'.

In your case, with separate domiciles and proceeding with a dissolution, there's no need to be covert. Just date men you find attractive openly and conspicuously and ignore your estranged spouse and his drama. Life goes on.

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Old 18th December 2012, 1:40 PM   #4
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Don't do it. Your life is still a mess. It's unfair to you and the other person. You are emotionally in no place to start another relationship right now, IMO. You need to spend a lot of time in therapy dealing with why you stayed with this person for so long. Otherwise, you're destined to repeat your behavior. And you need to finalize the divorce.
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Old 18th December 2012, 1:45 PM   #5
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I agree with the above poster regarding advice about dating but the question asked was not relevant to her personal mental/emotional health and potential viability as a partner but rather if she chose to go on a date with a man she found warm and friendly, then it being cheating.

OP, if you choose to date, be clear with your dating partners about your circumstances. Do not covertly draw an innocent party into your situation purely to serve your needs. If you do, then you devolve to the level of your soon-to-be ex-spouse, specifically in the area of obfuscation and manipulation. It might be hard, but don't do it.
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Old 18th December 2012, 2:13 PM   #6
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Carhill and GuyInLimbo make some really, really good points.
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Old 18th December 2012, 2:27 PM   #7
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If your still married then yes it is cheating.

Vows mean nothing to anyone anymore?
Wait till your divorced then go for it

aM
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Old 18th December 2012, 4:16 PM   #8
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Carhill, you are right. Point well made. On the flip side, I think the question was a little too "narrow" for a yes or no answer in the sense she was asking. My answer was more bigger picture. Frankly, if you're separated and not trying to reconcile, it's not cheating, IMO.

Anyway, carry on!
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Old 18th December 2012, 4:30 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInLimbo View Post
Carhill, you are right. Point well made. On the flip side, I think the question was a little too "narrow" for a yes or no answer in the sense she was asking. My answer was more bigger picture. Frankly, if you're separated and not trying to reconcile, it's not cheating, IMO.

Anyway, carry on!
IMO yeah it is cheating
vows hello??
separated or not. leagally you are under a contract.
That contract ends when you are divorced?
Don`t know whatever planet everyone else got married on here??

If you can`t wait to get into someone else`s boxers/knickers before the divorce is finalised, separated or not, what sort of person does that make you?

jeeez

aM
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Old 18th December 2012, 4:36 PM   #10
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your married, separated or not. you sleep with someone else , thats adultery

aM
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Old 18th December 2012, 4:44 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aMguilts View Post
IMO yeah it is cheating
vows hello??
separated or not. leagally you are under a contract.
That contract ends when you are divorced?
Don`t know whatever planet everyone else got married on here??

If you can`t wait to get into someone else`s boxers/knickers before the divorce is finalised, separated or not, what sort of person does that make you?

jeeez

aM
Mellow-dramatic much?
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Old 18th December 2012, 4:45 PM   #12
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'Living apart in the process of annulment' might have relevance here.

In my business, this is the paperwork (legal divorce or annulment) catching up with the decision (to split up permanently at this time, including legally).

Were they not married, there would be no issue. Break up, move out, date others. EOS. The difference is dissolving the legal arrangement, in this case by adjudicating that the marriage never took place. Pretty serious dissolution, IMO.
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Old 18th December 2012, 5:03 PM   #13
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I wouldn't worry about the cheating, I'd be more worried about the husband finding out. Then he'll make your life even more miserable. Be patient, stay single.
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Old 18th December 2012, 5:15 PM   #14
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I make a lot less money than he does, so he's always threatened me with destitution. He threatens to turn everyone against me, and he has been successful in that so far (lying to them, telling them I cheated on him, etc.) I never did cheat, by the way... Anyway, I finally left him and we live apart now. He still likes to make my life Hell throughout this process, and I am depressed...very depressed

You can find a way to survive. People do, just like you, every day. As long as you draw breath, you aren't destitute. As far as the rest, just cut him off and, if he threatens you, a RO and a gun will fix him, temporarily or permanently. People don't own each other. You're not his property. Reclaim your power. First thing to do today is to totally eliminate all contact with him, except through legal means relevant to the annulment. Cut him off. Change your phone numbers/e-mails. Then live your life on *your* terms. He's not relevant anymore. The annulment will ratify that irrelevance.

He expects you to be afraid. That's his weakness. Get moving.
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Old 18th December 2012, 5:32 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInLimbo View Post
Mellow-dramatic much?
in what way am i being `mellow-dramatic much?`

GuyInLimbo

I gave my POF.
You gave yours,
You can bounce around with all the bunnnies in the world . it will make you no more right or me no more wrong

so unless you have anything else constructive to help the OP??

aM

Last edited by aMguilts; 18th December 2012 at 5:51 PM..
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