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Power Struggles


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StuckinLimbo

Anyone been in arguments with a significant other where the argument escalates and one person leaves - then there is no contact because no one wants to apologize or make the first move to make up and reconcile?

 

In the past I came crawling back apologizing and wanting to work things out. So much so I refuse to do it this time. So far my guy hasn't called or made any attempt to work things out.

 

He started the fight and after it escalating to the point I felt it was verbally abusive I had to leave his house. I am a woman who refuses to be "punished" emotionally just because he doesn't get his way. He enjoys using the silent treatment on me when he gets mad - which I cannot stand. We got in a fight, he said hurtful things and I left saying I couldn't take being treated like that.

 

Now he's made no effort to contact me and I will never make effort to contact him. All in all we did love each other but we could never get along. He had to have it his way or he'd argue till his death.

 

I've given in so many times in the past but I can't this time. It's been a long week - he hasn't contacted me. We did love each other and in the past tried to work things out but he's very arrogant and thinks he's always right.

 

It all boils down to a power struggle - who's right/who's wrong - who will apologize first. Think he'll ever call me again?

 

We have been together for 10 months and we've never gone this long being apart. It hurts, it's not what I really want but if I go back and apologize he'll torment me for weeks telling me I'm a bad person, etc.

 

This time it's gotta either be he makes the first move or that's it - it's over. After 7 days now I haven't called him or contacted him - which is a first for me. He's done nothing.

 

Should I end it or will he eventually call? He'll probably call when I decide it's over and give up.

 

I hate this. I'm 41 and he's 45 - you'd think two grown adults wouldn't play power struggle games but with him - he seems to thrive on chaos and torturing me. This time I can't give in - he'll just walk all over me again.

 

I guess this is called stonewalling - when one person thinks avoiding the other is hurting them. I'm hurting alright but I'm also not a punching bag.

 

Anyone got any advice? I'm sad and miss him but I gotta stop this crap. Everytime I apologize and come crawling back it gives him more power and the next fight we have he does this again.

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I've given in so many times in the past but I can't this time. It's been a long week - he hasn't contacted me. We did love each other and in the past tried to work things out but he's very arrogant and thinks he's always right.

 

This is no way to live. This is another form of controlling behaviour; he can't afford to be 'wrong' because all his ducks have to be in a row, and that means he has to be certain of everything he thinks and knows.

 

It is one thing loving someone and quite another living with that person. This does not sound like any way to continue an existence. He will not change.

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I agree with Moi. You say he's 45, and if this is the way he is, it is very unlikely he will change. And it's not good for you to continue to put up with this emotional abuse. You've done the right thing by not contacting him. I suggest you keep going. You may care about him a great deal, you said yourself you cannot continue this way. Chances are, he does thrive on the chaos and on watching you cave to him when you do. However, you don't have to continue to be a part of it. Don't.

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