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want to leave but feel guilty


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not even sure where to begin.

i have been married for 6 years, but we have been together for 13.

no kids. i am 41 he is 48.

i have been unhappy for a while but over the past 8 months, its become really bad for me. so there is what i consider the normal stuff that i see others talk about: he no longer pays any attention to me. he only touches me when he wants sex. and he totally takes me for granted. i feel more like a maid than a partner. so that has been how i have been feeling for a couple years now, but over this past 8 months, i realized a few things and i am trying to come to terms with them:

i am no longer in love with him

i have zero desire to have sex with him

i have zero desire to kiss him with any passion, i don't even like giving him a quick peck

i don't miss him at all when he is not around, and actually hope that he is late coming home from work so that my time spent with him is as short as possible

the things that annoyed me before ( snoring, slurping food when he eats, etc ) now they just make me want to scream.

 

if it were not for one thing, i would have left by now...but this one thing is a biggie and it has kept me with him because of guilt.

 

he has a degenerative muscle disease that will eventually land him in a wheelchair by the time he is in his late 50s to early 60's.

 

i am very torn. on one hand, i can't imagine living the rest of my life like this and being unhappy. putting my feelings aside to take care of him, when he is not even that appreciative.

OR

on the other hand, i want to live my life and be happy again. i find myself day dreaming about having my own apartment again, my own things. my own life. i have always been a very independent person, and because of the illness, i feel trapped by guilt of leaving him.

 

oh, it gets worse. i met someone and have fallen in love with him. i never ever knew love could be so amazing. i have never experienced love on this level. the guy is someone i have know for several years and i had an instant attraction to him. just kept it secret all these years. as we got closer this past year he confessed that he has always been attracted to me. we have been with each other since. he is without a doubt the most amazing man i have ever known and he treats me like i am the center of his world at all times. it s the best feeling in the world for me. he makes me SO happy.

 

so....

i feel incredibly selfish for wanting to leave but, is it fair for me to stay and live my life with someone who i am not happy with? who i am no longer in love with? have no sexual desire for them? someone who no longer makes me happy?

 

i know this is silly, but, everyday i wish he would come home and say 'i met someone and i'm leaving you'. that would be like the best thing that could happen. then i could leave and not feel guilty about leaving him alone.

 

like i said, if he didn't have the health issue, i would have been gone over a year ago.

 

wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation? what did you do?

Edited by mij
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i have been unhappy for a while but over the past 8 months, its become really bad for me. so there is what i consider the normal stuff that i see others talk about: he no longer pays any attention to me. he only touches me when he wants sex. and he totally takes me for granted. i feel more like a maid than a partner. so that has been how i have been feeling for a couple years now, but over this past 8 months, i realized a few things and i am trying to come to terms with them:

i am no longer in love with him

i have zero desire to have sex with him

i have zero desire to kiss him with any passion, i don't even like giving him a quick peck

i don't miss him at all when he is not around, and actually hope that he is late coming home from work so that my time spent with him is as short as possible

the things that annoyed me before ( snoring, slurping food when he eats, etc ) now they just make me want to scream.

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine except for the illness part. I have no kids, around same age and married and together same length of time as you. Sounds like you guys grew apart (just like we did). I went through same feelings you list above (don't want to kiss, no passion, don't care if he gets home late, not in love etc.) but I love my husband very much mainly because of how long we've been together and everything we've been through....we are like family. Can you explain what the root cause might be to all of this? Is it growing apart? Is it something else that got you to this place? Were you not happy from the beginning? I was happy from the beginning, but my husband (who was already life of the party in his youth) decided to party more and more which is just one factor in us seperating (my choice). I am riddled with guilt over leaving 2 years ago and now we're in this limbo where we can't face divorce because we like each other so much as people and were good friends before marriage and still remain friendly. It breaks my heart. I had some overlap in my marriage where I, too, fell in love (madly) with someone else I have more in common with at this point in my life. It's hard to go back when I feel so fulfilled. Although we are both in other relationships, I REALLY tried hard to keep the marriage in tact...did all I could I feel. My husband just wasn't ready to grow up and be a better husband to me. Instead he was a buddy to me...a roommate. I wanted more. My only concern for you is that you don't give up until you've really exhausted everything. Although I was no longer attracted to my H, I still tried to fix the other things. You will always regret it if not. I even broke my boyfriend's heart and broke up with him twice to put my marriage first - even though I was in love with him and not my husband. I knew I had to try everything....I think all marriages hit a lull at some point and I don't want to throw in the towel because of a lull...that could happen with my new guy....and what am I going to do then - leave him too? I just caution you against just leaving because of feelings and how he treats you. If you've addressed it with him and maybe gone to counseling and nothing is changing, then so be it...you can only try so long. I'm afraid your new guy may have you so caught up in him that you are taking the easy way out (not pointing fingers, because I've felt this way at times and felt guilty). As for the illness, you don't know what's really going to happen until it happens ....consider today - not the future and what it holds. You never know what can happen. My mother has MS and was told she'd be in a wheelchair at her age and she's not - get my point? Bottom line, ending a marriage is just so hard and shouldn't be taken lightly. That's why I'm still separated 2 years later...happy with new guy, but still down in the dumps about it. When you really separate and live on your own..it's very very very sad. Explore all options because once you move out...it's hard to go back. I wish my husband fought for me and didn't let me leave and changed his behavior....now he and I are both sad...sad with a lot of love for each other, but not in love and now too far into our separate lives to get back together.

Best of luck to you.

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thank you for replying.

i realize now that i was not specific about divorcing or separating. i would want to separate so that i can be removed from the situation and see exactly how i feel once i am out on my own again, as this is what my strongest desire is.

i think we have grown apart. he used to make me laugh, now i just don't find his joking funny. and he is always SO very negative and i realized that this was rubbing off on me - and being negative is not me at all! i have always tried to be positive. but i have caught myself saying negative things more often than i care too and i feel this is a direct result of being exposed to it on a daily basis. when i say something about it, he snaps and says he is a realists. whatever.

sometimes he gets to work from home ( i work from home, BTW ) and when he does, it just ruins my day. that's pretty bad.

 

after reading your post i am beginning to wonder if i was truly happy at all. maybe i just convinced myself that i was. we used to do fun things and he made me feel good. but no more. and he always criticizes me. seems that the only time he gives me any kind of feedback is to tell me when i am doing something wrong or 'not the way he would have done it'. i can not tell you how much that gets under my skin.

 

i am the type of person who will bend over backwards for people to make them happy. i think i have spent a large chunk of my current relationship doing this and i am just over it. as he is unappreciative, not caring like a husband should be, no compliments, and he rarely even says thank you. he is very inconsiderate of my feelings. he is not an easy person to talk to either. when i have said things in the past he gets very defensive. and instead of listening to how i am feeling when he does these things, he immediately gets cranky and dismisses my feelings. so i just don't bother anymore.

 

i feel like i am only important to him in the relationship as someone to take care of him. i feel like i do not even exist at times.

i would much rather spend my time alone then with him...that is how i feel right now.

 

i think if a separation would work best for me. time away to see what i am really feeling. and i really, truly, long to have a place of my own again. my own things. to do what i want to do.

 

my sister told me that she feels i have lost myself, that my relationship with him has changed me in a bad way. that i have been living my life for him, to make him happy. putting my own feelings aside for many years and now i am just over it ( for lack of a better term ).

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Mrselfdestrukt

Mij,

 

Do you actually talk to one another?

 

The reason I ask this is that I am on the other side of this particular fence at the moment, and since my wife left me, I have been able to spend a lot of that time thinking back to how things were.

 

I recognise that we both fell into a serious rut - we just did day to day things and forgot to spend the time that we needed to spend each day on restrengthening our relationship.

 

We got snappy with one another, simply because we didn't spend any time at all sharing our feelings.

 

You are obviously going to be flattered by the attentions of the other bloke; but please bear in mind - his only interaction with you at the moment is simply the 'nice stuff' - so this is a complete diversion for you from your day to day life at home, which this other guy has no part of.

 

I'm not suggesting at all that you don't know your own feelings - only you know that.

 

I would give some serious thought as to what you really want to be achieving. If you can see yourself remaining with your husband, (albeit a happier and more considerate one) - I would seek some form of marriage counselling sooner rather than later.

 

At the very least - please talk to your husband, have a 'grown up' sit down conversation about how you feel and how you need things to be, and how close you are to moving on. He needs to take this seriously as you are taking it.

 

Hope this is useful.

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Throw me into the similarity crowd.

 

The thing is, you feel guilty about leaving him but not having an affair? You're trying to have your cake and eat it, too. I'm not trying to judge, as I do things on a smaller level that sort of straddle the fence. But, what's the end game with the H? You don't love him AND you're with someone else. Decision has almost already been made.

 

For everyone's sake, you need to end it.

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Mij,

 

Do you actually talk to one another?

 

The reason I ask this is that I am on the other side of this particular fence at the moment, and since my wife left me, I have been able to spend a lot of that time thinking back to how things were.

 

I recognise that we both fell into a serious rut - we just did day to day things and forgot to spend the time that we needed to spend each day on restrengthening our relationship.

 

We got snappy with one another, simply because we didn't spend any time at all sharing our feelings.

 

You are obviously going to be flattered by the attentions of the other bloke; but please bear in mind - his only interaction with you at the moment is simply the 'nice stuff' - so this is a complete diversion for you from your day to day life at home, which this other guy has no part of.

 

I'm not suggesting at all that you don't know your own feelings - only you know that.

 

I would give some serious thought as to what you really want to be achieving. If you can see yourself remaining with your husband, (albeit a happier and more considerate one) - I would seek some form of marriage counselling sooner rather than later.

 

At the very least - please talk to your husband, have a 'grown up' sit down conversation about how you feel and how you need things to be, and how close you are to moving on. He needs to take this seriously as you are taking it.

 

Hope this is useful.

 

i do plan on talking to him. i was not just going to write a dear john letter and leave.

we don't really talk much any more because it usually turns into a conversation about what i am doing wrong and what i need to do..basically a lecture. so if i've had a bad day or have a problem i don't even bother saying anything anymore because he offers no real help. i usually leave the conversation feeling more empty than when it started.

 

i also wanted to make it clear that i am not wishing to leave to be with my my new love. i have felt this way before we met...now granted since we've been together my marriage has deteriorated further, i will not deny that. but as stated previously, i desire to be on my own again.

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Throw me into the similarity crowd.

 

The thing is, you feel guilty about leaving him but not having an affair? You're trying to have your cake and eat it, too. I'm not trying to judge, as I do things on a smaller level that sort of straddle the fence. But, what's the end game with the H? You don't love him AND you're with someone else. Decision has almost already been made.

 

For everyone's sake, you need to end it.

 

i never said i didn't feel guilty about the affair. i do however, feel more guilt about leaving him. i worry about things like, how is he going to cut the grass or take the garbage out? how is he going to carry groceries into the house? what he falls down and can't get back up? and of course his feelings in general. stuff like that.

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Is it possible your husband is depressed due to his illness and that is why he has acted distant?

 

Is it ALS?

 

its possible, but i don't think so because he has always been this way to a certain degree.

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Others have pointed out the contradiction in your approach. You obviously have some concern and regard for your H's feelings and condition but have chosen the one course above all others in terms of the hurt it could inflict. What greater blow to his manhood than finding out that you've cheated???

 

Are you still involved in the A? If so then in reality you've already left. Make it official, tell your H and deal with the consequences. Depending on his acceptance, you may still be able to stay in his life and provide some care and support for him. Time to do the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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