AllieKat Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Its now been a peaceful month of no fighting, no blaming, no nasty comments. There has been many positivesas DH and I are building back our friendship. We talk everyday and communicate not just talk. Hes reengaged himself with DD, goes to a counseling group and is open about talking about moving forward together. Theres days when I feel sad and i want more. For ex i want to hear him say I love you, to get a kiss or to have him hold my hand. I desperatly want to see his ring on his finger again. But I know those things cone maybe with more trust and for those of you who have followed my messy story tou know weve made real progress in this past month. We have some new stresses once again as news at his job are layoffs may happen soon. Very stressful for DH especially with Christmas coming. I know this road back can be long and thats very hard for me, as I'm very very impatient. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Its now been a peaceful month of no fighting, no blaming, no nasty comments. There has been many positivesas DH and I are building back our friendship. We talk everyday and communicate not just talk. Hes reengaged himself with DD, goes to a counseling group and is open about talking about moving forward together. Theres days when I feel sad and i want more. For ex i want to hear him say I love you, to get a kiss or to have him hold my hand. I desperatly want to see his ring on his finger again. But I know those things cone maybe with more trust and for those of you who have followed my messy story tou know weve made real progress in this past month. We have some new stresses once again as news at his job are layoffs may happen soon. Very stressful for DH especially with Christmas coming. I know this road back can be long and thats very hard for me, as I'm very very impatient. You have to give it time. It doesn't happen overnight. Are you IC in addition to marriage counseling? This will be a huge help to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 @Sox not currently. I was in IC but currently we dont have insurance and cant afford it. But I am hoping to go back to my counselor as she was very helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 @Sox not currently. I was in IC but currently we dont have insurance and cant afford it. But I am hoping to go back to my counselor as she was very helpful. I understand. I have a good counselor, but she is not cheap. I see her every two weeks. I wish I could see her every week, but I can't afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Bravo, Allie. I think it is a positive sign to start a new hopeful beginning with a new thread. Have you ever looked at the "Divorce Busters" site? I think it would help you tremendously to learn the proces the site calls "piecing." That is, when the comes reconcilation. It is a long process with it's own rollorcoaster. Will you promise me to look over at some of the "piecing" threads on the DB communication site -- or at the very least, the definition - and / or stages they decribe? I cannot handle any divorce topics right now - having just had my arm amputated with a toothpick overr the paast four years. I am so happy for you, sweetheart! Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 What is your guys' living situation? Living together or apart? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 @ yas I have looked at it a little. But I promise to look more at it in depth. I wanted to leave the old thread and go forward so here we go! @m30usa we live together! Neither of us ever left. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Hi Allie - I like the new thread. Please do try to look at Divorce Busters and Marriage Builders as part of that plan in moving forward in your reconciliation. I think you will find a lot of information on both of those sites that will, not only help you with what you are going through, but help make your marriage stronger. Keeping my fingers crossed for your marriage hun. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Good stuff Allie, i was just catching up on your old thread after beiing away for a bit. You've come along way Allie!! Patience is going to be your best friend right now, I know its not where you'd like it to be, but its nowhere near where it was a couple months ago. TOJAZ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 3, 2012 Author Share Posted November 3, 2012 I really wish there was just a thread about reconciliations. Sure would be helpful to see what others are going through and doing. I know its hard for me to bite my tongue somedays and no go full out witch and say hold my damn hand and put your dang ring on!! Lol that would be bad! Last night was difficult DH was talking about things he wants to still do for the football league just to help and it was him telling me what hes going to do not asking me my opinion like it was. Lots of talk of the future about what he wants to do and etc but no talk about future of marriage. I knowhes stressed job but if he can put volunteer stuff as a important thing to plan for shouldnt he be planning stuff with or for "us" Or am i just being petty and making to much of it Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Hi Allie - There are threads here about reconciliations....they are buried in and throughout LS, for the ones that worked. Is there a hard core thread on here of how to reconcile...no, because every person and their situation is different. Some hard fast rules on how not to get to where you and your husband are, well they are pretty simple....1. Don't hold on to resentment, talk with your spouse AND listen to them as well. 2. Don't assume, ask about intentions rather than make assumptions. 3. Give as well as take, all relationships have givers and takers. Do special things for your spouse (nothing grandious, little things count) and be appreciative of what you get in return. 4. Be open and honest with your feelings, thoughts but respect your spouses feelings. If you don't mean it, don't say it. 5. Make decisions together and learn how to negotiate where you are both comfortable with the decision. Oh, there are many more I'm sure, and no one gets them all right, marriage is hard work. I know that where he is mentally about the marriage perplexes you, but learning the right way to approach him about things without full out pressuring him is something that you need to learn how to do. I really wish that you would do some reading on the Three States of Mind in Marriage by Dr. Harley on the Marriage Builders website. I'll post the link in a separate post since it may take 24 hours for it to show up due to posting rules, but you could probably do a search for the site and find the link in the sidebar menu. Each subject leads to the next topic, read each state as well as the other information there and lets see where that leads you in being able to talk with your husband about your fears and feelings without putting pressure on him. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Here is the link for the Three States of Mind in Marriage. Three States of Mind in Marriage Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted November 3, 2012 Share Posted November 3, 2012 Or am i just being petty and making to much of it Patience lady patience... Don't get discouraged if it isn't moving as "fast" as you want it. Forward is forward.. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I really wish there was just a thread about reconciliations. Sure would be helpful to see what others are going through and doing. I know its hard for me to bite my tongue somedays and no go full out witch and say hold my damn hand and put your dang ring on!! Lol that would be bad! Last night was difficult DH was talking about things he wants to still do for the football league just to help and it was him telling me what hes going to do not asking me my opinion like it was. Lots of talk of the future about what he wants to do and etc but no talk about future of marriage. I knowhes stressed job but if he can put volunteer stuff as a important thing to plan for shouldnt he be planning stuff with or for "us" Or am i just being petty and making to much of it Allie, I'm not going to call it petty, but keep in mind that just because he isn't saying it doesn't mean hes not thinking about it. There are plenty of people who hold the hand of people they don't love, that sleep next to people they don't love, even wear the ring of people they don't love. Don't put so much importance on tokens.... I can't think of anyone that would go to a counseling group for someone they didn't love! Keep perspective, it will help you be patient and enjoy how far you have come rather then focus on how far you'd like to go. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 Allie, I'm not going to call it petty, but keep in mind that just because he isn't saying it doesn't mean hes not thinking about it. There are plenty of people who hold the hand of people they don't love, that sleep next to people they don't love, even wear the ring of people they don't love. Don't put so much importance on tokens.... I can't think of anyone that would go to a counseling group for someone they didn't love! Keep perspective, it will help you be patient and enjoy how far you have come rather then focus on how far you'd like to go. TOJAZ Thanks Im trying. He informed me tonight he wont be going to the group anymore. He said he tried it and its just not for him. ? Not sure what this means for us. But he said he liked talking to the guys but just didnt like "rehashing" our situation over and over. That was short lived huh? Now Im worried Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 @trippi reading that article now :-) ty Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 I really wish there was just a thread about reconciliations. Sure would be helpful to see what others are going through and doing. I know its hard for me to bite my tongue somedays and no go full out witch and say hold my damn hand and put your dang ring on!! Lol that would be bad! Last night was difficult DH was talking about things he wants to still do for the football league just to help and it was him telling me what hes going to do not asking me my opinion like it was. Lots of talk of the future about what he wants to do and etc but no talk about future of marriage. I knowhes stressed job but if he can put volunteer stuff as a important thing to plan for shouldnt he be planning stuff with or for "us" Or am i just being petty and making to much of itit's called "piecing" in the Divorce Busters forum. There is an entire section with hundreds of posts and threads. It's just like LS but based on Michelle Davis' work. It's easy as pit to become a member. The are tough a$$es$ on you - they make you look at your own flaws. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks Im trying. He informed me tonight he wont be going to the group anymore. He said he tried it and its just not for him. ? Not sure what this means for us. But he said he liked talking to the guys but just didnt like "rehashing" our situation over and over. That was short lived huh? Now Im worried So when you asked him what was next, what did he say? You did ask him didn't you???? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 4, 2012 Share Posted November 4, 2012 Thanks Im trying. He informed me tonight he wont be going to the group anymore. He said he tried it and its just not for him. ? Not sure what this means for us. But he said he liked talking to the guys but just didnt like "rehashing" our situation over and over. That was short lived huh? Now Im worried I have to admit Allie - when I read this last night, I was going to say something similar to what Tojaz asks above. Mine was more to his not liking to rehash the situation over and over...I'm sure you are both tired of rehashing it; therefore, the only logical solution is to resolve it..... I would like to know what you think of the article(s) I pointed you to? Opinion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 I didnt ask "whats next" but I did say "would you be interested in trying MC together", he said I dunno Im liking talking to strangers about this and i just want to work it out in my own head! Its pointless bitching at him but Im disappointed and i feel like im losing the battle here. @trippi the article made sense. I agree with the giver and taker stuff alot. I also was surprised to read one person can save a marriage. I gotta say though it did nothing for my patience issue im a lost cause like a rock trying to put clothes on... Hopelessly impatient And the intimacy stage that was so us. Dh was so inlive he would NEVER put me in place or discuss things with me that maybe i wasnt doing right or that i may having been doing to upset him. Which did fo us more harm then good. I got hopeful though with the one spouse can lead the other spouse back to the intimacy stage. Do u think this is really true? I mean the its takes two to argue is true and since i refuse to argue things have gotten better and i do try to be thoughtful. Funny thing about the article it said its typical therecipent of care that returns first to the stage of intimacy not the giver if care. So basically my hubby would be first. That I question Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 4, 2012 Author Share Posted November 4, 2012 Just venting.... Saw something on craigslist Dh and i wanted and I told him and he was going to look at it and I asked if I could too and he gave me a yeah as if it was annoying to him. He was fine on drive there and back but as i waited for him to open front door ( he gad keys not me) he opens it and walks in aheas of me. I know im spoiled but really? Am i not deservant of being treated like a lady I guess. Im annoyed really annoyed! Not sure if im right or again just being petty but this crap is getting old and im stick of being treated like his sister!! Ok im done venting now Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 In effort to not give up and stay positive im regrouping and listing the changes ive seen this month -Iniates convo -Asks some questions -Iniates convo with Dd -Shows care for Dd -Going out to eat/errands together -Sends me texts now -Uses us and we -Talks to me about work/ football/ life -got insurance together Its not much but these are huge changes from where we were. Hoping next month I can add to this 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 That's a good list to start....considering that, where do you think his list is on the changes you have done as well Allie? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AllieKat Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 Oh trippi thats a great question way to keep me in check too?. Well, though he hasnt quite expressed everything that i do prob thats been an issue heres what i think.. -being honest and open- check check -Stops accusing- check -Picking fights over everything- check -Pushing to get reconcil- 1/2 check because though i dont convey this to him 24/7 its on my mind all the time and im sure hes aware -not being so controlling/over bearing - 1/2 check only cause i did express to him my unhappiness withhis communication with president lady this month - giving him some space- check -being more independent- check Not to bad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Allie, it seems like we are headed for another downswing. What will you do differently? TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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