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Leave wife for younger woman or stay?


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Here's my story and I seek anyone's advice that has been down or going down this path. I'm 45 and have been married for almost 15 years with a 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter. My wife is also 45 years old. As it sometimes happens with kids our sex life went to zero and spending went to infinity a few years back. We are both college educated and I work so am sole provider and she chooses not to work although she could so financial stress exists. About 3 years ago I met "the other woman" (not online looking but sitting on a plane). She is 10 years younger than me and has been married for 15 years also but doesn't have children. We've been seeing each other all of this time and recently I've moved out and am trying to decide whether to leave my wife and family and start a new life with "the other woman" or stick it out with my current family regardless of how bad I think it is. The other woman says she's not happy in her current situation and says she wants to start a new life with me including children. I've had a vas so trying to have children for me will be challenging to complicate matters if I go that direction. I would appreciate anyone's advice that has gone down this path which ever route you decided. Thanks.

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Here's my story and I seek anyone's advice that has been down or going down this path. I'm 45 and have been married for almost 15 years with a 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter. My wife is also 45 years old. As it sometimes happens with kids our sex life went to zero and spending went to infinity a few years back. We are both college educated and I work so am sole provider and she chooses not to work although she could so financial stress exists. About 3 years ago I met "the other woman" (not online looking but sitting on a plane). She is 10 years younger than me and has been married for 15 years also but doesn't have children. We've been seeing each other all of this time and recently I've moved out and am trying to decide whether to leave my wife and family and start a new life with "the other woman" or stick it out with my current family regardless of how bad I think it is. The other woman says she's not happy in her current situation and says she wants to start a new life with me including children. I've had a vas so trying to have children for me will be challenging to complicate matters if I go that direction. I would appreciate anyone's advice that has gone down this path which ever route you decided. Thanks.

 

Have you been honest with Your wife- did you tell her you've been cheating for 3 years?

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Yes, she knows about three year affair and she stills wants to work things out (I think so her cash flow is not interrupted and she won't have to work).

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PoopHappens

OMG, starting a brand life at 45 with new kids when you haven't finished your first job seems a bit crazy to me. Imagine, if all goes well, you'll collecting old age pension as your new kids graduate.

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Your wife is afraid of change now...but she will embrace it as she starts a new life.

 

But financial stress is a reality in many marriages and one of many logistics that compel couples to continually work on their marriages.

 

If its hard for you now, and the spending has put you in debt....

Will your new partner be ok with the amount you will have to pull out of your income to pay child support and alimony?

 

I felt a lot better about divorcing my x at age 45 when I realized I would be fine financially, your wife will too. But it's something you have to put on the table for this new woman...since she doesn't and may not have children of her own..she might not grasp the extent of the circumstances.

 

In any case, 45 is way too young to stay in an unhappy marriage. Fix it or leave it.

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Eddie Edirol

Definitely jump ship, you probably will resent her if you dont. If youve been cheating with this younger woman for 3 years, and you're pretty sure that her personality is that much better than your wifes, then go for it.

 

BUT, you could have problems with your kids by doing this. They might not care about you being happy when youre dropping their mother off a cliff. Do they know about the whole situation and how your wife lost interest in you? Also, I think you could potentially run into this situation again with the new woman if she wants to have children. Its a gamble as to whether some women replace you with the children and get obsessed. Also, if she is sure she wants kids, and youre not sure, since you got your VAS, do NOT leave your wife for this woman. The situation has appeared here a few times where a couple isnt on the same page with each other about kids.

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Finish raising your two kids before you work on the 2nd batch...

 

I totally disagree with that. You never stop raising your kids, even when they become legal.

 

If the OP has already moved out so he has started the process. Staying in a loveless marriage could ultimately be more damaging to the adolescent kids because they will see the pain and hurt.

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I totally disagree with that. You never stop raising your kids, even when they become legal.

 

If the OP has already moved out so he has started the process. Staying in a loveless marriage could ultimately be more damaging to the adolescent kids because they will see the pain and hurt.

 

I didn't say he should stay in the marriage...

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Why doesn't your wife work already? Aren't the kids in school? Has the OW told her H she is involved in an affair with you yet?

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whichwayisup

Don't throw away all that history and family life for another woman. You haven't even given your marriage a chance! Meaning, you haven't spoken to your wife about how unhappy you are..You haven't given your wife a chance to work on things with you and also go to marriage counselling together.

 

It would be a real shame to piss it all away and realize 2 years from now you made a huge mistake and wished that you gave it your best before throwing in the towel and leaving your wife and kids to start over with someone else.

 

If you leave your marriage, it should be for you not the OW. Many times, one person will divorce and the other person balks, changes their minds.. So, you're taking a big chance on the OW divorcing her husband at the same time..What if you divorce and she decides to stay married, yet keep the A going.. Would you be okay with that? Or would you realize you threw away a pretty good marriage that just went stale (life got in the way , daily routine, kids, stresses etc..) all for someone who didn't end up divorcing their spouse to be with you.

 

REALLY think about this before you leave all that you know and probably love more than you realize.

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Here's my story and I seek anyone's advice that has been down or going down this path. I'm 45 and have been married for almost 15 years with a 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter. My wife is also 45 years old. As it sometimes happens with kids our sex life went to zero and spending went to infinity a few years back. We are both college educated and I work so am sole provider and she chooses not to work although she could so financial stress exists. About 3 years ago I met "the other woman" (not online looking but sitting on a plane). She is 10 years younger than me and has been married for 15 years also but doesn't have children. We've been seeing each other all of this time and recently I've moved out and am trying to decide whether to leave my wife and family and start a new life with "the other woman" or stick it out with my current family regardless of how bad I think it is. The other woman says she's not happy in her current situation and says she wants to start a new life with me including children. I've had a vas so trying to have children for me will be challenging to complicate matters if I go that direction. I would appreciate anyone's advice that has gone down this path which ever route you decided. Thanks.

 

The OW is simply using you as an escape plan from her own unhappy marriage. She doesn't want to divorce her current hubby and then have no financial or emotional support system. That's where you come in. You provide the "soft landing" for the exit from her marriage.

 

However, once she uses you for her "transitional period," out of her marriage, you will just be her support system while she goes looking for a more younger virile stud her own age who has not been snipped, and she will procreate with him. That's pretty much of a guarantee buddy. She may get married to you first, she may even stay married, and have some children, but she has no intention of having YOUR children. How could she? You have a vasectomy and there are absolutely no guarantees that a reversal would work, even if you were down for it. This woman, coming out of a 15 year marriage, is NOT going to bet on anything other than a "sure thing." In terms of her having kids, you're NOT a "sure thing" at all.

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A family member of mine married a man 14 years older than her.

This man had two teenaged kids.

Of course she wanted a kid of her own, and at the age of 46 her new husband became a dad again.

 

Fast forward ten years and they are now also divorced, she left him for a guy she works with who is 8 years younger than her.

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I can't speak from experience, but it always seems to end poorly for the relationship you bounce to. I'm sure the new woman is exciting, but I'm with the other folks who suggest a year off after divorcing before moving on to anything else more serious. It just seems like really bad karma to me to start something new while the old is still around.

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OK, so you're having financial stress raising your first two kids....so the answer to that is jump ship and have EVEN MORE kids? Add in child support and likely alimony and...

 

Good luck being broke for the rest of your life, dude.

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dreamingoftigers

Something just seems really off with the tempo of your post.

 

Almost like you want someone else to make that decision for you.

 

I guess that's not uncommon with waywards.

 

Were you expecting a lot of " just go be happy in you new life " statements.

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Going from one LTR into another is a really, really, really ~ did I mention REALLY bad idea.

 

Typically what happens is that you re-bound from one relationship to another. Whether on the surface or on a subconscious level ~ you're either dealing with a hell of a lot of emotions. Some you recognize, some you don't. Some you ignore, minimize, down-play, ignore, blow-off as insignificant and un-consequental.

 

Ditto for the OW. Now you've got the two of you going through the same thing while leaving a bunch of innocent people in the wake. Its kinda of sorta of like committing sucicide ~ you think ~ "Well everyone would be better off?" When the reality of it is? They're not ~ and now you've taken a bunch of negativity of your own ~ multiplied it by factor of ten or gereater ~ and dumped it into their laps and they end up sitting there with "that look" on their face wondering what the **** just happened.

 

In and of as a general rule you single greatest chance at sucess in marriage is with the first person that you married, have children with, have a history with, have at least gone through the rudimentary "cuss and fuss" with (i.e. leaving the toliet seats up, how to raise the children, how, how to discipline the children, negotiating how to spend money, finances, what's for supper, yada~yada~yada..................................

 

You've gotten to know each other over the years, what each other's likes and dislikes are? You know the smallest and most intimate details of each other. That can be a good thing and it also can be a bad thing.

 

My point is that you already have a foundation. A good solid foundaition upon which to build upon ~ and to grow from.

 

And now you want to go through all of that again with someone else ~ someone new? What are your Nuts?

 

I personally am not big on ulitmatims. In fact I respond very badly to them! Someone proposes an ulitmatin to me? I'm going to grant you your wish and make it a reality ~ and it won't be pretty and it won't be fun! :mad: That's just how I am ~ NOW!

 

Mrs Gunny knows this about me ~ knows better than to threaten me with walking out or divorce ~ because the first time it comes across her lips? It'll be a done deal and their won't be any turning around. All it will take is for me to hear the sound of the closing of the door.

 

With that said it sounds more like to me that you need to sit down with the DW and in as calm, cool and collective manner as possible ~ just lay out the way it is and the way you want and need it to be.

 

I always told my Marines ~ "If you can't tell me the difference between the way it is ~ and the way it needs to be? Your just bitchin'" Come to me with at least one but preferably three different alternative solutions.

 

Just because the cart is broken and missing a wheel? Doesn't mean it can't be fixed........................

 

You and the wife sound as though you've fallen into the martial doldrums ~ needd to pull back and re-group and re-think your marriage, your relationship, your ways of inter-acting with one another, with communicating with one another, with ow to argue with one another. You need a new set of skills and tools for doing so.

 

If you don't learn from the hard lessons of your marriage ~ your just dragging all that baggage into your next.

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I would have said stay, until I read that bit about "chooses not to work". If you were the one who chose "not to work" your wife would have kicked you to the curb before either of your kids had their first birthday.

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Your wife is afraid of change now...but she will embrace it as she starts a new life.

 

But financial stress is a reality in many marriages and one of many logistics that compel couples to continually work on their marriages.

 

If its hard for you now, and the spending has put you in debt....

Will your new partner be ok with the amount you will have to pull out of your income to pay child support and alimony?

 

I felt a lot better about divorcing my x at age 45 when I realized I would be fine financially, your wife will too. But it's something you have to put on the table for this new woman...since she doesn't and may not have children of her own..she might not grasp the extent of the circumstances.

 

In any case, 45 is way too young to stay in an unhappy marriage. Fix it or leave it.

 

Not if he has 50% custody. he owes her nothing. Liquidate all you joint assets to your parrents and or siblings, quit your job for next 6 months and you owe her NOTHING

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Work on yourself, your needs, and your hang ups. Then deal with the wife and other woman issue.

 

You can't make a decision like this without first knowing what you want and knowing what values you hold.

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Not if he has 50% custody. he owes her nothing. Liquidate all you joint assets to your parrents and or siblings, quit your job for next 6 months and you owe her NOTHING

 

That's a great idea if you have joint assets - Ask your wife to sign over your home and savings to your brother. And quit your job, its easy to find another .

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jimloveslips

Really? looking for advice or just gloating over you appeal to younger women?

 

Sorry, I didn't get anything from your post that was genuinely interested in advice.

 

Hey maybe that's my male ego getting in the way - funny how that's always springing up when 10 year younger women are involved!

 

What advice do you need? You're banging a young woman, your wife still wants you, you have a nice job (you afforded to move out real smoothly).

 

You're too shallow to be influenced by things such as commitment ("As it sometimes happens with kids our sex life went to zero" - why? it's just easier not to work at a relationship?).

 

Buddy you have it made. It's just sad it won't last...

 

You can tell I'm off work sick and really have nothing better to do, can't you... Oh, here's the maid, she's good for a quickie...

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