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My situation, need some understanding.


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peace-maker17

Hi All,

 

My wife and I have been in a relationship for 13 years, we have been married 8 years. We have a 10 month old son. She filed for divorce on June 28th and moved our July 1st while I was gone. Obviously coming home to an empty home was devastating and still is.

 

Since she left a couple of things have happened. The first was I realized and admitted I was being verbally abusive to her, the second thing I realized was she was horrible with communication. I immediately started therapy with two different counselors. I also wrote a heartfelt honest letter to my wife that this isn't going to continue, I am going to work as hard as I can to fix the issue. I really honestly have made a huge effort. I have read about 5 books and have an understand why I have acted the way I have, I understand my childhood now and how it has impacted my behavior.

 

She isn't working and I work full time, she moved 2 hours away from here to live with her parents. I have seen my son a few times but now it's every other weekend from 10-8 Sat-Sun. She is breastfeeding so she is opposed to overnights. I have been staying in a hotel as I am not welcome at her family's home. I can't fathom continuing to do this and she has been unflexible. She hasn't brought him down to see me once since she left. That is beyond painful to me.

 

I have smothered her with emails about my committment to change and she is happy about my counseling. I just can't fathom not trying for our family. She is worried I can't change enough.

 

When we talked a few weeks ago I pleaded with her to try with me, that I didn't want to miss all the things, the first steps, being the tooth fairy, halloween, xmas and all the pain that will come for both of us. Why is daddy or mom leaving? I am just so upset because I am such a driven and committed person, I know I will put in the work to fix my behavior. She told me it's over. The other day she told me she thought I couldn't change enough, but didn't say anything about its over.

 

I know smothering her with emails isn't right, I think it's my personality and the fact I care so much. I am not contacting her now as she requested I don't.

 

I made us an appointment for a counselor where she is living.. She said she would think about going, but I think she is only thinking about it to get the counselor to convince me it's over, or to better our relationship for our son, honest i'm not sure she will even go.

 

The whole time she has been gone she refuses to talk to me on the phone and will only talk in email, she is very angry and short with me, doesn't tell me her feelings or say much of anything about the relationship. This leaves me with no answers, can a woman maybe explain why she is acting so angry and being so short with me? Is this her way of dealing with it, is she worried about me potentially convincing her we can save our marriage. She will only

talk about our pets, our son and financial stuff.

 

I keep telling myself it's over, but then I have this hope because I know she knows how committed I am to a cause when I put my mind to it.

 

Our temporary hearing is scheduled for Aug 16th.

 

I can't get beyond not trying to save our family with both of us knowing how committed I am to change, I just can't get passed that. Divorce will change our family forever.

 

Thanks for any advice, especially around why she is so anger toward me and will not share her feelings. I have no clue deep down how she feels about my counseling, she just said "Im glad you understand why you did things now" Very vague for a heartfelt long eamil from me.

 

Thanks for any help or advice,

 

Greg

Edited by peace-maker17
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whichwayisup

How bad was your verbal abuse towards her? Why did you treat her so badly? for her to react this way it must have damaged her deeply.

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peace-maker17
How bad was your verbal abuse towards her? Why did you treat her so badly? for her to react this way it must have damaged her deeply.

 

I would say the last year it was pretty bad, before that on and off. It wasn't like a daily thing. We had lost communication between another and both had a lot of built up resentment toward one another. This may sound crazy but I feel like I didn't even know what I was doing, the resentment and anger took over. She was horribly forgetful and not motivated to do anything. I understand this doesn't justify my behavior or make it right but it was for sure the flame that lit the gas.

 

Greg

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so_difficult

I'm going to guess that this has been building up inside her for a very long time, especially if she's bad at communication. It may be new to you but it's not to her. She's taken every time you've said something/done something and stored it away until it burst.

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I have been where your wife is. I knew it was over when I took the kids and left. I couldn't talk to him any longer. I now only talk to him when I have to about the kids. I will email or text so I don't have to talk to him. Difference is he is still verbaly abusive to anyone he talks to.

 

One thing I can say is, her keeping the kid from you is wrong. I didn't do that. She might be breastfeeding, but she can pump. I know in my state, if it isn't Shared Parenting, the visitation isn't overnight until the kid is 18 months old.

 

It is wonderful that you see what the problem is. It will make you a better person, whether she comes back or not.

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