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Similar story to some.......wife of almost 12 years told me that she has no feelings for me, has not had feeling for me in a long time and wants a divorce. We have two sons 9, and 7. She has said before that she is not happy I always thought we would have time to fix it.

I am so in love with her, however she will not budge in her feeling that we have no future. I would do anything to keep our family together. She said that she needs to be head over heels in love with the person she is with, and she is not that way with me.

I don't want to leave the house but more importantly, I don't want my sons to have to leave. She can not afford the house without me, but I don't want to harm the boys. I have cried, begged and pleaded with her. This has shaken me so much that I now do not take her for granted like I did before.

I have told her that I will give her space, but have asked for her to keep an open mind about the future. She insists that we have no future however still wants to do things as a family, but her and I will no longer be together.

I hope and pray that she will soften her heart to me. We have both cried terribly during this and both broke down when looking at apartments for me to move into. She is very sad that she has hurt me with the divorce request.

I have asked if she would see a counselor with me, however she says it will not do any good as we have different goals, as she is not interested in reconciliation with me.

I know it took a great deal of strength for her to tell me it was over, and maybe she is unwilling to even consider staying with me as she knows how hard it was for her to get to this point and feels like she can not change her mind?

 

Sorry for the rambling post, I found this site while searching for ways to save my marriage and wanted to share my story

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Ninja'sHusband

OH man, that's rough. I recommend the book "Divorce Remedy". You might hear people mention the "180"...but if you want to know where that really came from, read the book. It's for people in exactly your situation. I used some of the techniques to great success...we're still divorcing for other reasons, but yeah good stuff in there.

 

Basically, stop begging, stop trying to reason with her, don't have anger outbusrts, take care of yourself. Start to move on, show her what a happy healthy person you are. Sounds impossible, you'll probably have to work through some grief first.

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Your wife is delusional and immature and watches too many soap operas. "head over heels" love lasts a few years and then turns into a respectful, savrificial love. Those brain chemicals won't last even if you were a perfect romancer in shining armor.

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What happened to get her to that point? You said you no longer take her for granted.... Okay, expand on that. How were you with her for the years leading up to this? If you had taken her for granted for an extended number of years, what would make her think things would be different now? You need to give more details on what happened prior to her asking the divorce if you want some feedback on moving forward and next moves.

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I took her for granted by not showing her how much she means to me, how special she is. We got preoccupied with life......several years in a row of school, deaths, births, new jobs. Always something seem to get in the way. I screwed up and did not pay her enough attention.

She does not doubt my love toward her, she has gradually over the years lost the love for me. She went so far as to say she is not sure if she loved me when we got married, and that she had been thinking about this for years, but did not at first because we owned a house and it would be too complicated, then we had a child and it would be too complicated etc....i think she exaggeratted a bit but i do not argue that her feelings dwindled. I told her that i dont need much, to which she responded that she needs to feel more for me than what i actually need. ......we battled intimacy issues for years, she was not interested in intimacy. we had sex once in the past 6 months, however I looked past it and thought we would be able to enjoy our life and kids

 

I chalked it up to the stress of life, I never knew she was this close to the breaking point

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Unless you start treating her like an ex right away she wont even respect you, much less change her mind. Start by not moving out, tell her if she wants out she can go...alone.

 

If she cant pay for the house alone demand that it be sold and you both get apartments.

 

Meahwhile tell her you want a support agreement and she will get only that, start taking away credit cards, joint accounts, cell phones, whatever you can.

 

Doesnt matter if you cant pull all this off, just that you demonstrate that you wont let her rule you from the grave.

 

As another post said she has a fantasy derived from another man. If you want an outside shot at getting into counseling or some such, destroy the fantasy. Otherwise its a lost cause.

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Unless you start treating her like an ex right away she wont even respect you, much less change her mind. Start by not moving out, tell her if she wants out she can go...alone.

 

If she cant pay for the house alone demand that it be sold and you both get apartments.

 

Meahwhile tell her you want a support agreement and she will get only that, start taking away credit cards, joint accounts, cell phones, whatever you can.

 

Doesnt matter if you cant pull all this off, just that you demonstrate that you wont let her rule you from the grave.

 

As another post said she has a fantasy derived from another man. If you want an outside shot at getting into counseling or some such, destroy the fantasy. Otherwise its a lost cause.

 

Exactly. Women live in a world created by men. And when they have their home, kids, and picket fence they forget this fact and start thinking, "Wait why do I need my husband?"

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John Doe, sorry to hear of your situation. Something here is missing.....Perhaps you can provide some more info about your wife. I can say this though.... Most married women with children do not leave their husbands unless

 

1. Physical/emotional abuse

2. Drug/alcohol abuse

3. Mental illness

4. Third party involvement

 

Now there are no absolutes with behavior, but this covers most. Has she made some new male friends? Are you hitting the bottle and online porn too much? Are you hitting her or being mean? Is she depressed?

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worldgonewrong
She went so far as to say she is not sure if she loved me when we got married, and that she had been thinking about this for years,

 

My wife laid this same b.s. on me too.

I wish she had been honest with herself, if that was true, rather than having me spend 20 years w/her and having us create 2 children who are now caught in this horrible mix.

 

I identify and feel for you, bro. :(

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I took her for granted by not showing her how much she means to me, how special she is. We got preoccupied with life......several years in a row of school, deaths, births, new jobs. Always something seem to get in the way. I screwed up and did not pay her enough attention.

 

STOP IT RIGHT NOW! This is not your fault and stop thinking it is!! Yes you got preoccupied with life. That is life. That is reality. Everyday cannot be like the ending to a Disney movie.

Did she show you how much you mean to her?

Did she show you how special you are?

Did she pay enough attention to you?

 

The head over heals comment sounds like baloney to me. If you start doing some searching, you may find there is another man involved. Sorry to say.

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She went so far as to say she is not sure if she loved me when we got married, and that she had been thinking about this for years, but did not at first because we owned a house and it would be too complicated, then we had a child and it would be too complicated etc....

 

This is the part known as "rewriting history". You never answered the question earlier. Do you have any idea who the other guy is?

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I'm gonna be the 4th person to say it, since you seem to be avoiding the question- do you know who the other man is?

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I'm gonna be the 4th person to say it, since you seem to be avoiding the question- do you know who the other man is?

 

I don't think he knows who the other man is because this was just all dropped on him. He still thinks there is no way his wife could be capable of such an act. Give him time to sit back and reflect so he can start seeing the clues. When you're blinded by trust, you won't see the clues.

 

Johndoe: start questioning anything that was out of the ordinary for her. Check phone and text records if you can't check her phone. Check her computer. Has she been going out with new people? Has she been talking about new people? Has she been coming home later than normal? Any business trips that seemed out of the ordinary? Dressing different?

 

I'm not saying there is definitely another man, but from what you've said, it seems like it.

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Sounds like she wants to be a family, but wants to get out of sex. Forget about the boys. Think about yourself. If she wants a divorce that badly, tell her to take a hike. Try and get a restraining order on her if you have to. The worst that can happen is that seeing you assertive and determined will change her feelings.

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John Doe

I am sorry for what you are going through and also you do need to do the 180 as suggested earlier. She sounds like its all about how she feels right now.What about how you feel you have been by her side going through the same thing as most couples do. She is comfortable with you giving her the house but it can be divided. Why cant you both share custody so the children have you both. Many of us woman have raised Healthy minded children after divorce and worked to pay our part.I figure maybe she is cheating and you might not even want to go there witch is understandable.The grass is not as green on the other side like some like to think the thing is she needs to understand that. I sympathize with you.

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This is the part known as "rewriting history". You never answered the question earlier. Do you have any idea who the other guy is?

 

Yep. She's most likely very invested in another man.

 

Find out what's real! Start searching!

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I no not believe there is another man, she does not go out all the time, I don't go through her phone/computer to snoop around. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, and seemed sincere

 

There's no abuse, mentally or physically

No abuse of substances or porn

No mental illness

And as far as I can tell, no third party involvement.

 

No arguing either, I can't even remember the last time we had a disagreement that contained yelling. Both of her parents are divorced, her moms advice to her was "life is to short to not be happy". She is 39, is that too early for a midlife crisis?

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Start checking! Her computer - her Facebook messages and chats - her cell phone records! You need to find the reason why!

 

If its no other person - then accept it at face value and divorce her.

 

I hope she's a working gal - if not - demand she have a paying job by the end of this week!

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I no not believe there is another man, she does not go out all the time, I don't go through her phone/computer to snoop around. I asked if there was someone else and she said no, and seemed sincere

 

I have seen this a thousand times and 999 times they come back and say, yes there was another man.

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I have seen this a thousand times and 999 times they come back and say, yes there was another man.

 

Yep! IF they take the time to check!

 

While the head is in the sand they will never "see it!"

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So last night she comes home and gives me a kiss on the lips. But still slept in different beds. Tonight she has been very sad, telling me how sorry she is etc. asks me to not be so affectionate towards her as it is making it hard for her. I back off, she sleeps for a few hours, and when she comes down to talk she was emotional. I was calm and unemotional. She came over and gave me a small kiss on the lips again.

 

I had received a fathers day card from her parents, whom I have always been very close with. I sent them a email thanking me, telling them how much I have enjoyed being a part of their family etc. my mother in law responds and saysmtheynlove both of us, that relationships are tough, and that all that matters is how you come out at the end. They hope we are able tomworkmthings out. I tell me wife that I had sent an email and had received a response from her parents. She became extremely upset at the contents of the email.

 

 

Her anger was that "you have people who are supporting you, letting you cry to them, and telling you to keep hope, and now even my parents are doing it. Why is no one supporting me?". My answer was that maybe everyone else sees the huge mistake you are making. She was furious since no one else knows what she has gone through, again no abuse, no mental illness, no violence, nothing. She reiterated that she had no love, no spark for me, and that she should not have to stay with someone she does not love because other people think she should. The selfishness is driving me crazy......anyway this has seemed to push her into being more defensive.

 

I told her I would separate and give her space, and accept that we may be done, however i will still hope that we can reconcile one day. I asked he to keep an open mind about the future, thatbwhile shenfeels there is no future right now, there might be down the road. to which she refused.....she reiterated that she is done, and that out friends who have gone through this and are offering advice, do not know our situation.

 

I am strangely peaceful at this point

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Are you listening to what people here are saying to YOU? We have all been there done this!

 

Start checking up on WHO is now getting HER affection!

 

Go check! Until you check EVERYTHING - we all assume she has someone she's interested and invested in!

 

Most women don't walk away without having someone they have plans with. Find out WHO her attention is going to.

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I am strangely peaceful at this point

 

I don't think you will be for long. Your roller coaster ride is just beginning and you will most likely feel alternately good and bad or OK and awful, however it works out for you.

 

I have seen this a thousand times and 999 times they come back and say, yes there was another man.
Listen to the posters here who have been there. Most all of us have faced this, not wanted to believe there was someone else, denied, denied, denied, discovered there was and then the hurting really begins. What would it hurt to check?

 

Do what Sunny said >

Start checking! Her computer - her Facebook messages and chats - her cell phone records! You need to find the reason why!

 

If you don't find anything, then proceed that way, but if you do find there is someone else, at least you will know what is going on.

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