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Not sure if we will divorce, but I am terrified we will. Warning... very long post with background history.

 

When I seventeen, I did a really bad thing. I've always regretted it, and I hate my seventeen year old self for doing this. I grew up with three best friends. We met in the first grade, and we've all stayed really good friends since. Well, until now. A lot of it has blown up on us. My best girl friend is Ashley. I befriended her because she was the new kid and so shy. I introduced her to my friend Ben. And then a few months later Ben started hanging out with our other friend Michael. I always had a crush on Ben, even way back in the first grade but I would never tell him since 'cooties' existed then.

 

It wasn't until we were in the seventh grade that I finally admitted that I liked him. I don't really want to sound conceited, because I used to be bad for that until a few years after I graduated High School... but I was considered one of the prettiest girls in the seventh grade. All the boys liked me, and I never had to sit out on a dance. Ashley wasn't ugly, but she wasn't usually one of the ones picked for dances. It was usually Ben or Michael or some of the friendlier boys who took her or danced with her... and also she was just so shy that no one but Ben or Michael could get through to her. At the time I knew at the time I was the prettiest, so I was shocked when Ben turned me down. He told me that he didn't want to ruin our friendship, but yet he was friends with other girls and he took them out on dates, so I was kind of angry. Especially once he picked this Melanie girl who no one liked because she had her nose in a book all the time. They dated from seventh grade until mid ninth grade. As soon as he was single again, I went after him again because I really wanted him but he still wouldn't date me. He was a catch too. Even the girls in the older grades wanted him.

 

Then in the eleventh grade something shocking happened... he and Ashley started dating. That's why I brought her up earlier about not being too much back in grade seven. Things hadn't really changed for her, and not only was she shy but she had started to gain weight in grade eleven. She ended up losing it once her and Ben started dating. She told me a few months after they dated that she gained weight when she was depressed because the guys made fun of her glasses and for being shy, and they were always turning her down. But once Ben noticed her, she started taking care of herself again, because apparently she had a crush on him for the longest time. At the time, when I was 16 I was pissed off. Like I said, I used to be conceited about my looks. I couldn't figure out how Ben could keep turning me the girl that a lot of the guys wanted for a plain jane girl who was slightly overweight. Most of the time High School is all about looks. Everyone was shocked when they started dating, not just me. Most guys told Ben that he could do better. In fact, a lot of them wondered why he wouldn't date me. Most people in the yearbook for fun votes always picked us as future couple. People always believe that we'd be together someday.

 

I finally decided to start dating (my now husband) this boy Keith. He reminded me a lot of Ben, just he was a little shyer and he didn't play sports. Ben belonged to Rugby, soccer and baseball. Which kind of bothered me because he always had practice. So I figured Keith was better anyway, because we could actually spend time together. Ashley sometimes complained that Ben didn't have time for her.

 

I know this is long post with a lot of background, but I just wanted to explain the whole situation just to give you a complete picture of what happened. Anyway, Ashley and Ben broke up for a little while in grade twelve. They didn't have time for each other. His sports, and all her clubs and whatever. One night Ben and I went to a party. Keith and I had gotten into a fight because I saw him flirting with these really pretty twins in our grade. Long story short since this is already a really long post... I cheated on Keith with Ben. We got really drunk, and I convinced Ben to sleep with me. Which was actually hard surprisingly even with him being drunk. I don't know why he was so luke warm about me, when most guys in his place wanted me.

 

Anyway, you might have already guessed where I am going with this. I got pregnant. The thing is, she could have been Keith's kid. But then once she got older I could tell she was Ben's. Ben has older sisters and she looks just like his sister Brianne. Keith had no idea and as soon as we were old enough we got married since he believed Michelle was his daughter. And then surprisingly a few years after High School Ashley and Ben eloped because they were never happy after breaking up. None of their relationships lasted.

 

Ashley has a two year old daughter... and you can tell our daughters are sisters. Which is why I finally confessed. I've always felt guilty, but I felt even more guilty after Keith and I had our son, and especially guilty when Ben and Ashley married. I told Ben when they got married that Michelle is probably is, and he agreed but we decided not to tell Ashley. Ben says Michelle looks so much like Brianne it's scary, especially in the baby pictures. He makes good money, so he has been sending me child support even though I told him he didn't need to.

 

After I found out I was pregnant with my third child, Keith's second I had to confess. Not only because you can tell that Michelle and Ashley's little girl Alyssa are sisters but because I can't live with the guilt anymore. Keith reacted as I suspected he would. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks. Ashley and Ben are also fighting since Ben knew he had a daughter with me, but never told her. Ben is mad at me for confessing. Keith and Ben got in a bad fist fight. They aren't speaking. Michael (who isn't really relevant in this whole ****ed up situation, but he is my best friend) isn't speaking to me or Ben for doing what we did to Ashley.

 

Everything is bad, and I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from being so stupid. I was a conceited and loved the fact that men loved me. And it bothered me that Ben never wanted me, but wanted her. It wasn't until after I heard Ashley and Ben were married that I stopped being so shallow. I know my marriage will probably end, and it is killing me, but it's understandable at the same time. What I am worried about the most is Ben and Ashley. Not only have I ruined my own marriage, but two of my longest best friends. These are people I've been best friends with for almost 20 years and I have ruined their relationship. I have probably ruined our friendship too.

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All you can really do is let everyone deal with the situation their way.

 

You've had a long time to come to terms with this, so has Ben. Your husband and Ashley haven't.

 

You made a decision a long time ago and only now are you having to really deal with the consequences and that's just life. You may have your marriage end, you may not. But you can't expect them to just keep going the way they have. A lot has changed for them

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I expected my husbands reaction, and I knew it would cause a fight. I didn't expect Ashley's though. I thought she would be hurt at first, but she is furious. I talked to her sister (who also hates me) and she said that Ashley has gotten so depressed about it that she has been having a hard time looking after Alyssa. At the moment Alyssa is at Ashley's moms while Ben and Ashley work it out, but Ashley is at her sisters and won't talk to Ben. She ignores my phone calls. I didn't think she'd get that mad about it since Ben didn't cheat. And she used to tell me years ago that she would never turn down a single father, and she wouldn't have a problem being a mother to his child. Her mom is a single mom, so that's why. So I figured she'd see it that way. She doesn't though. She just says the people she trusted the most betrayed her.

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She has been betrayed. He may not have cheated on her when you two slept together but you have taken his first child, which she thought she had. You and him both lied to her. She feels laughed at and belittled. What a massive joke on her. etc etc etc

 

You've changed her entire family and future life in an instant. You should be expecting her to be furious. This isn't something you just brush off, and it has nothing to do with her not accepting a single father, that's a very simplistic and immature way of looking at it.

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No, but both Keith and I are blond with blue eyes. Michelle has Ben's black hair and brown eyes.

 

Apparently Ashley and Ben are talking, I don't know if it's good or not. This is just what her sister told me, I don't know if they are working things out or what. Her sister refused to give me details, which I have the right to know. Then when I went to their place Ben slammed the door on me. I don't think he should be mad at me.

 

People are mad at Ben, but they are all more mad at me then him which is messed up. They are all willing to talk to him, and hear him out, but not me. He did this thing too. I'm not saying people shouldn't be mad at me, I expected it, but I didn't expect everyone, even my mom to shut me out like this. My younger brother is disgusted with me. It seems every time I try to talk to people, it gets worse. I really don't know what to do. I'm alone in the house with the kids, who know something is up and I'm pregnant. They are both asking where there dad is.

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No, but both Keith and I are blond with blue eyes. Michelle has Ben's black hair and brown eyes.

 

Apparently Ashley and Ben are talking, I don't know if it's good or not. This is just what her sister told me, I don't know if they are working things out or what. Her sister refused to give me details, which I have the right to know. Then when I went to their place Ben slammed the door on me. I don't think he should be mad at me.

You have no right to know anything about Ben and Ashley's relationship. Why do you think you have any rights to know what's going on? Why should people tell you what's happening with them?

 

People are mad at Ben, but they are all more mad at me then him which is messed up. They are all willing to talk to him, and hear him out, but not me. He did this thing too. I'm not saying people shouldn't be mad at me, I expected it, but I didn't expect everyone, even my mom to shut me out like this. My younger brother is disgusted with me. It seems every time I try to talk to people, it gets worse. I really don't know what to do. I'm alone in the house with the kids, who know something is up and I'm pregnant. They are both asking where there dad is.
You should concentrate on your behaviour; what you have done and the consequences of that. Stop trying to palm off the responsibility to everyone else. You don't seem to take any ownership for what you've done, you just seem to be pointing the finger at others and explaining why people should be mad at them too. This isn't about them, this is about what you did and the choices you made. Now it's time to own them
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I'm pretty sure I've said several times I understand why they are mad at me, but they should at least talk to me instead of shutting me out completely. Why is my brother not speaking to me when he isn't even in this situation for example.

 

palm off the responsibility to everyone else. You don't seem to take any ownership for what you've done,
I said right here:
I'm not saying people shouldn't be mad at me, I expected it, but I didn't expect everyone, even my mom to shut me out like this
So how is that not taking ownership? I know that people should be mad at me. I'm pretty sure I've said that more than once in my posts, and I can even quote them all:

 

I expected my husbands reaction, and I knew it would cause a fight.
Keith reacted as I suspected he would. He hasn't spoken to me in two weeks.
I know my marriage will probably end, and it is killing me, but it's understandable at the same time.
So yes, I am taking ownership for this. But it makes it harder when no one will talk to me. Not even my parents and my brother. My brother told me what I did when I was seventeen was stupid, but he's pissed that I kept it secret for so long because he's always looked up to Keith. He's six years younger then us.

 

Everyone is giving Ben the chance to talk about it, but not me. I don't know if she is lying or not, but Ashley's sister told me that Ben and Keith were talking two nights ago. So even Keith is willing to talk to Ben before me. He basically told him that the friendship is over between them. Keith and I are married, and we have a son and another on the way. So why is he talking to Ben before me? We have to talk about it. I understand if he wants to divorce, but he has to talk to me about it. Why keep hanging up on me or ignoring my texts? His mom is coming to pick up Michelle and Cameron tomorrow. I'm just glad he still wants to be Michelle's father. His mom was the one to call and said she was picking them up both so that Keith can visit with them.

 

I don't see how I'm not taking ownership when I am the only one trying to talk to everyone. If I wasn't taking ownership, I wouldn't have confessed at all. I wouldn't have come on to some message board to ask for advice.I tried yahoo answers and all I got called was a slut. What I did at seventeen was slutty, but I haven't slept with anyone but Keith since. So even if I were a slut in High School I am not anymore. The last thing I need right now is to be attacked when everyone in my life is attacking me. This was a last resort coming here.

 

I need to know how I can get them talking to me. If not Ben or Ashley, my parents, brother or Keith.

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whichwayisup
No, but both Keith and I are blond with blue eyes. Michelle has Ben's black hair and brown eyes.

 

Apparently Ashley and Ben are talking, I don't know if it's good or not. This is just what her sister told me, I don't know if they are working things out or what. Her sister refused to give me details, which I have the right to know. Then when I went to their place Ben slammed the door on me. I don't think he should be mad at me.

 

People are mad at Ben, but they are all more mad at me then him which is messed up. They are all willing to talk to him, and hear him out, but not me. He did this thing too. I'm not saying people shouldn't be mad at me, I expected it, but I didn't expect everyone, even my mom to shut me out like this. My younger brother is disgusted with me. It seems every time I try to talk to people, it gets worse. I really don't know what to do. I'm alone in the house with the kids, who know something is up and I'm pregnant. They are both asking where there dad is.

 

Get a paternity test. BE 100 percent sure it IS his child. Right now you two are assuming and that's not fact.

 

You cannot predict or control people and how they feel/react. Just because you think they should react a certain way doesn't mean they will.

 

Also, it ISN'T your business to know (bolded part) what they spoke about in details.

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whichwayisup
I'm pretty sure I've said several times I understand why they are mad at me, but they should at least talk to me instead of shutting me out completely. Why is my brother not speaking to me when he isn't even in this situation for example.

 

This is how they've chosen to handle this (for now) and not talk to you. Like it or not, you have to accept that.

 

Your brother is hurt and probably irked with how things went down. How it was all handled. He will get over it, he's your family.. Just give him (and everybody else) space and time to work through what they feel, their anger, hurt, betrayed feelings. Your timeline is different than theirs, so back off and leave them be .. let them make the first move when they are ready to talk.

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Get a paternity test. BE 100 percent sure it IS his child. Right now you two are assuming and that's not fact.

 

You cannot predict or control people and how they feel/react. Just because you think they should react a certain way doesn't mean they will.

 

Also, it ISN'T your business to know (bolded part) what they spoke about in details.

I still have to get them to talk to me to get the test, but aren't those expensive? Keith and I don't have the money. Ben does, but I don't know if he'd pay for it since he hates me now. But I'm pretty sure she is his. Two blond haired blue eyed parents don't make a black haired brown eyed baby. Our son has blond hair and blue eyes. Alyssa and Michelle look like sisters. If you compare Brianne's pictures from when she was Michelle's age to Michelle you can see a resemblance.

 

But yes, they are my best friends, and Ben could be the father of my child so I do have the right to know.

 

And Michael is attacking me. He just sent another nasty text to me. He told me that I deserve to have my kids taken away, and to spend the rest of my life alone. He won't talk to me unless it's to send nasty text. I get he is mad that I betrayed our friend, but the man just turned 26. These texts are High School behaviour. If he doesn't want to talk to me then fine. I haven't sent him any messages. And now like a second ago he just posted stuff on his facebook status, like as I'm typing this post. What the hell? I don't want it announced to the world yet. Even though we haven't all talked, we all agreed that just our families and anyone important is in the know, especially facebook! I have to go now to do some damage control, he needs to delete. I don't get why he has business to put this on facebook. There are kids involved.

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Well what else do you want to know? Seriously, I'm willing to answer anything or take any advice that doesn't involve insults. Please.

 

Edit: I've got to get the kids ready for bed, and then I have to pack their clothes for a week to stay with their dad. I'll be back later.

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whichwayisup
I still have to get them to talk to me to get the test, but aren't those expensive? Keith and I don't have the money. Ben does, but I don't know if he'd pay for it since he hates me now. But I'm pretty sure she is his. Two blond haired blue eyed parents don't make a black haired brown eyed baby. Our son has blond hair and blue eyes. Alyssa and Michelle look like sisters. If you compare Brianne's pictures from when she was Michelle's age to Michelle you can see a resemblance.

 

Borrow the money if you have to. You don't need Ben. Either Keith is the father or he isn't. Those two are the only two you slept with so if K fails at the test, then you know who is the father for sure, 100 per cent.

 

Actually that's not always true. Both my parents had dark hair, and I have red hair. So does my sister. My brother is blonde.

 

 

But yes, they are my best friends, and Ben could be the father of my child so I do have the right to know.

 

Could be. Until you know for sure, it isn't. What they talk about, how they handle this is up to them.. Like it or not.

 

And Michael is attacking me. He just sent another nasty text to me. He told me that I deserve to have my kids taken away, and to spend the rest of my life alone. He won't talk to me unless it's to send nasty text. I get he is mad that I betrayed our friend, but the man just turned 26. These texts are High School behaviour. If he doesn't want to talk to me then fine. I haven't sent him any messages. And now like a second ago he just posted stuff on his facebook status, like as I'm typing this post. What the hell? I don't want it announced to the world yet. Even though we haven't all talked, we all agreed that just our families and anyone important is in the know, especially facebook! I have to go now to do some damage control, he needs to delete. I don't get why he has business to put this on facebook. There are kids involved.

 

BLock him on your fb and don't get sucked into other people's reactions. Not worth it. The less you say the better.

 

Sorry is M your brother? If so, then you need to see him face to face and talk to him about this.

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No he's our mutual friend. The four of us grew up together, and were really good friends. I mentioned him in the first post. My brother is Tom. It doesn't matter if I block him. He still has put all of our business on facebook for the world to know, when no one wanted that. I'm pretty sure everyone else is going to be pissed when they find out if they don't already know. He had no business to do that. We're all in our mid-twenties and he is posting a status to attack me not even thinking of the fact that he is hurting other people. He is mad at me for hurting Ashley and Keith, and yet he just announced our problems to the world? Just to get at me? Who does that? I told him we're not fifteen anymore, and to take the status down because there are children involved. He hasn't yet.

 

This whole situation does not need any more drama. It's already stressful, and I already feel kind of messed up to be posting it on an anonymous forum. But I had no one else to talk to since no one will talk to me. I don't even know what I am going to do with myself with the kids gone. I at least had them to keep me busy. I can't concentrate on my job, so I am taking stress leave tomorrow.

 

The odds of Michelle being mine and Keith's are very small, especially since she has the same hair colour as Ben. I'll do a test, but I highly doubt it's going to say it's my husbands.

 

And what else do people need to know that they think I'm not telling, or leaving out? And how can I get him to take down that status? Our business really doesn't need to be on facebook.

 

Edit: Well he took it down, but it wasn't for my benefit. It was for Ashley's. At least it's gone now though.

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Borrow the money if you have to. You don't need Ben. Either Keith is the father or he isn't. Those two are the only two you slept with so if K fails at the test, then you know who is the father for sure, 100 per cent.

 

Actually that's not always true. Both my parents had dark hair, and I have red hair. So does my sister. My brother is blonde.

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry bro...2 true blue eyed parents CANNOT have a true brown eyed child. It is genetically impossible. It is based upon a punnet's square and Mendelian inheritance. Hair color is another thing though and can vary wildly.

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Probably no one wants to talk to you because you're making it all about you. Likely, everyone knows you went after Ben and ruined Ashley's life to appease your ego.

 

Also, I have yet to hear you talk about how this will affect your CHILD, who is arguably the most important person in this mess.

 

Get the paternity test. Sell your stuff if you have to. Get it now and NO MORE EXCUSES.

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Civility and respect
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Yes, I am well aware of how it can affect Michelle. I've been terrified that Keith will just stop talking to her completely, but thankfully it seems he still wants to be part of her life. Also you don't think it bothers me that Cameron is crying himself to sleep every night because he misses his father? What is with people just automatically assuming stuff? You honestly think I don't care about my children at all? Don't just jump in here say and I don't love my kids. It's bothering me that they are going to be confused about why they aren't with me this week, but their father. Michelle is bright enough to wonder if we are going to divorce. She has classmates with divorced parents.

 

Keith called me this morning finally and insisted that we not tell her anything... which I wouldn't dream of it anyway. She's a little girl. That's all he said, that we weren't going to tell them anything, his mother would get the kids from school and we'd talk later. And I told him about wanting to do a paternity test and he said fine, we'd discuss it more later. For now he just wants to be with the kids and figure out what to do. I told him if he wanted a divorce we had to talk, but he just said we'd talk about it later.

 

Later= a week. So now he wants to wait another week? That's how long he is taking the kids anyway, so I'm assuming when he drops them off that's when we will talk. He said he'd bring them himself.

 

And I went after Ben when they weren't together. It had absolutely nothing to do with Ashley. I just wanted him, but he never had the same feelings. After that night, he told me we were never to talk about it again. If I had gone after him to ruin her life, I would have done it while they were together. When I was in elementary school, and High School no other guy was on my mind but Ben. I dated other boys but all I wanted was Ben. It had nothing to do with ego.

 

But now it's years later, and it's Keith I want. Not to many teenage boys will stick around a girl, and I think that's what made me fall in love with him. He gave up college and everything for me and Michelle. He wanted to be a lawyer, but he settled on working in his dads business instead for us. And I've been grateful for it.

 

I don't know what's with people jumping to conclusions that I don't care. This isn't the only place I've asked advice. Most people have only answered by insulting me, and saying I sound shallow and superficial and a bitch when I am not. And even some called me a slut.

 

I have no one else to turn to.

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It's going to take him some time to process through the bomb that's been dropped on him. He's reassessing your whole marriage based on this new information.

 

He's deciding now if he wants to continue on in his marriage to you in light of this new information.

 

Again...for you, this was years ago.

 

For him...it just happened. AND he's been lied to (by omission) about it for the entire duration of your marriage.

 

Right now, there's no way to predict how this will all play out. So I'd suggest that you do your best to keep an even keel...make sure he knows that you love him, regret what's happened between you, and want to do whatever it takes for all of you to work through this.

 

And see what he comes back with.

 

It might not happen in a week. Or it could happen tomorrow. It depends on him, and what he chooses to do in light of all of this.

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i can see terrible luck in your life OP, no perjoratives here then, but to me - the child who is the one from outside the marriage, what's his take and what will his take be? i think his well-being is tops as a starting point, meh, you can't change a past crazy night so why try?

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I don't know, I just gave up on talking to everyone and left town for the week. I've been staying with a cousin who doesn't agree with my life choices, but isn't ignoring me either. She said I could use the time away from the kids to think about what I want to do now, and how I can make things better for me and the kids. And how I can make this easier for Keith and Michelle. so That's what I've been doing.

 

I had my phone turned off all week, and haven't gone on the internet until now. I've had many messages on facebook, email, texts and phone messages from everyone trying to contact me. They all slammed the door in my face, hung up on me, ignored me, or told me never to speak to them again. So yet I am surprised when I get all these messages, and some getting more anxious when they can't find me. And now I am being called selfish and irresponsible for not letting anyone know where I was. Well how could I when everyone ignored me? I tried to tell my mom that I was leaving for a week, but she told me to call her back in a few days when she was still trying to get past this news. So I didn't get the chance. Ben slammed the door in my face last Sunday. Yet when I take off, to do exactly what everyone said to do... think about the consequences, and think about what to do now, and work on making things for the kids, people get mad.

 

And Keith is the most angry because he said I should have told him that I was leaving in case of an emergency. He said he can't believe how irresponsible I am, and this little stunt isn't helping with his decision on what he wants to do. He told me not to contact him all week last Monday. He said that we would talk when he brought the kids over on Saturday (tomorrow) I get home tonight only to confront angry people. Explain, how do I tell people I was taking off if they were ignoring me?

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Yes, I am well aware of how it can affect Michelle. I've been terrified that Keith will just stop talking to her completely, but thankfully it seems he still wants to be part of her life. Also you don't think it bothers me that Cameron is crying himself to sleep every night because he misses his father? What is with people just automatically assuming stuff? You honestly think I don't care about my children at all? Don't just jump in here say and I don't love my kids. It's bothering me that they are going to be confused about why they aren't with me this week, but their father. Michelle is bright enough to wonder if we are going to divorce. She has classmates with divorced parents.

 

Keith called me this morning finally and insisted that we not tell her anything... which I wouldn't dream of it anyway. She's a little girl. That's all he said, that we weren't going to tell them anything, his mother would get the kids from school and we'd talk later. And I told him about wanting to do a paternity test and he said fine, we'd discuss it more later. For now he just wants to be with the kids and figure out what to do. I told him if he wanted a divorce we had to talk, but he just said we'd talk about it later.

 

Later= a week. So now he wants to wait another week? That's how long he is taking the kids anyway, so I'm assuming when he drops them off that's when we will talk. He said he'd bring them himself.

 

And I went after Ben when they weren't together. It had absolutely nothing to do with Ashley. I just wanted him, but he never had the same feelings. After that night, he told me we were never to talk about it again. If I had gone after him to ruin her life, I would have done it while they were together. When I was in elementary school, and High School no other guy was on my mind but Ben. I dated other boys but all I wanted was Ben. It had nothing to do with ego.

 

But now it's years later, and it's Keith I want. Not to many teenage boys will stick around a girl, and I think that's what made me fall in love with him. He gave up college and everything for me and Michelle. He wanted to be a lawyer, but he settled on working in his dads business instead for us. And I've been grateful for it.

 

I don't know what's with people jumping to conclusions that I don't care. This isn't the only place I've asked advice. Most people have only answered by insulting me, and saying I sound shallow and superficial and a bitch when I am not. And even some called me a slut.

 

I have no one else to turn to.

 

Not trying to pile on, but reread the paragraph in bold and let it sink in a little. Sometimes we are so used to factual statements that we've known about for years that we can let them roll off our tongue (or into cyberspace) without thinking much about the meaning of what was spoken/written. It's like learning the Lord's Prayer - we know it so well that we recite it without thinking about the meaning of the words.

 

Your husband is pissed about more than just your betrayal of trust. You also squashed a dream of his for the future. He wanted to go to school to become an attorney. He had dreams of his own that he put on hold because he thought he was doing the right thing. Well guess what? He squashed his dream for someone else's kid. On top of that, you let Ben skate scott free so that he could - most likely - go off to college to pursue his dreams, right? If I was Keith, I would be VERY pissed at not only you but Ben as well. Ben swore to you to not breath a word about this and let Keith be his fall guy. Put youself into Keith's shoes. You cuckolded him and guilted him into taking responsibility for your lover's child. Think about that for a little more and then you may be able to feel a little more empathy for Keith.

 

I'm not judging you nor trying to call you out. I'm trying to lay the cards on the table so that you begin to think more about how others are feeling and less about yourself. When you can empathize for the others better and not think about how this affects you, then all of you will be able to heal - whatever path the healing process takes. JMO.

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Not trying to pile on, but reread the paragraph in bold and let it sink in a little. Sometimes we are so used to factual statements that we've known about for years that we can let them roll off our tongue (or into cyberspace) without thinking much about the meaning of what was spoken/written. It's like learning the Lord's Prayer - we know it so well that we recite it without thinking about the meaning of the words.

 

Your husband is pissed about more than just your betrayal of trust. You also squashed a dream of his for the future. He wanted to go to school to become an attorney. He had dreams of his own that he put on hold because he thought he was doing the right thing. Well guess what? He squashed his dream for someone else's kid. On top of that, you let Ben skate scott free so that he could - most likely - go off to college to pursue his dreams, right? If I was Keith, I would be VERY pissed at not only you but Ben as well. Ben swore to you to not breath a word about this and let Keith be his fall guy. Put youself into Keith's shoes. You cuckolded him and guilted him into taking responsibility for your lover's child. Think about that for a little more and then you may be able to feel a little more empathy for Keith.

 

I'm not judging you nor trying to call you out. I'm trying to lay the cards on the table so that you begin to think more about how others are feeling and less about yourself. When you can empathize for the others better and not think about how this affects you, then all of you will be able to heal - whatever path the healing process takes. JMO.

I never once said that I didn't expect Keith not to be angry. I even quoted a few paragraphs that I wrote on the first page. I agree with what you said, and I always knew that. Keith is the only one who should be the angriest with me about all this.

 

The others should have been angry, but they are all still pissed. People like my parents and my brother. And it doesn't make sense for Ben to be acting like I betrayed him when he did this to. I bolded what you wrote about Ben, and it's true. He did go to college and he makes a ridiculous amount of money, and that's not counting the inheritance he got from his grandfather. He is a very well off man. And yet he acts like it's just me that is the bad guy because I finally told my husband the truth. He was part of it, and other then the child support payments he went on with his life.

 

And everyone is speaking to him again. We are both at fault here. I never once said no one should be angry with me. I just don't understand why all the anger is on me, and he is suddenly forgiven. Him and his wife are talking again. Our mutual friend Michael is talking to him again.

 

And yet I am still getting nasty messages about being a whore from certain people. The only person, like you said, who should be mad at me is Keith. And maybe Ashley. But I don't understand everyone elses anger after almost 3 weeks after i told. And now they are even more mad at me taking off for a week without telling anyone... but how could I when they were all ignoring me?

 

Well, I'm done with everyone else now. I've had time to think about it this week. I'm just working on what Keith wants to do tomorrow when he drops the kids off. Everyone else can come to me when they want to. It's just me, the kids and Keith that matter at the moment.

 

I'm just sick of some of the harassing messages I've been getting from Mike. That's something else someone mentioned too, that some of this seems like High School drama, and that's because some people are handling it like it's a High School thing. Not my family, but outsiders who aren't involved in this. People who are in their mid to late twenties are harassing me about being easy. I have only slept with two men. And this was a stupid mistake I made at 17. And yet I am being calling slutty, and easy by people who should mind their own business. I had to disable my facebook just now because of it.

 

But now that it's all in the open, what if some moron says something to me while I am out shopping with the kids?

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Plan 9 from OS

I'll agree with you on one thing. Ben is an ass. If your husband Keith ever considers being friends with Ben again then he is a major moron. Sorry to be so blunt, but Ben does have blame in this. I will say this though, I think you manipulated Ben to sleep with you that night. He was in a vulnerable state and you leveraged that to finally get what you wanted. IMO, the infidelity is still primarily on you because - in your OP - Ben still resisted you until he succumbed under the pressure. Yes, Ben did make the decision to do it with you - impaired but he's still culpable. But what I find heinous about Ben is that he didn't speak up about what you two did to Keith when you were 17. Ben was a piss poor friend to Keith and you. In the end, he saw a patsy take on what should have been Ben's responsibility from the start. If Keith has brains, and I think he does considering his dreams for himself, he could have been the one that went off to school and making a good salary for himself. I'll bet that Keith loathed the idea of going into the family business; however, he felt forced to because he took on a responsibility that was never his in the first place.

 

There is one person in this that I feel bad for and that is Keith. I have zero empathy for Ben because he knew what was going on and pissed all over his friend. But I get this impression that the whole group of you, maybe with the exception of Keith, were all immature brats as 17 year olds that never really grew up. That's what I see and I know this sounds harsh but I'm calling it like I see it.

 

Here's my opinion on what I think you should do. Ditch these so called friends. They aren't really your friends and probably never really were good friends in the first place. I think you need to do some soul searching in order to bring about some depth in your character. You did the right thing in coming clean because both Keith and Ben's wife deserved to know plus Ben deserves to feel some shame for screwing up Keith's future plans as well. Honestly, do you think Keith would have dropped everything for you at 17 to care for Ben's kid? Of course not. He deserved much much more than that. Regardless, you still need to work on yourself in order to become a 3 dimensional person, i.e. develop some depth for yourself. Maybe some counseling is in order, I don't know. But I think you need to figure out how to be much more giving as a person and not a taker. I think you are a taker and you're needy. You need to start fresh with a clean slate and learn how to become a giving adult. Sorry for being so blunt, but I think we both know that you need to change as a person so that you can learn what true love really is. JMO.

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Get a paternity test.Two blue-eyed parents can have a child with brown eyes. Most of us learned the model for determining eye color that G.C. Davenport and C.B. Davenport devised in 1907. The Davenport model wrongly says brown eye color is always dominant over blue eye color, which means that two blue-eyed parents always have blue-eyed kids. We know better now.

"Although not common, two blue-eyed parents can produce children with brown eyes," says Richard A. Sturm, a Principal Research Fellow at the Institute for Molecular Bioscience at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia.

Eye color is a complex trait that depends on the state of several interacting genes. The gene that usually decides the issue (blue eyes or brown eyes) is the OCA2 gene on chromosome 15. But it comes in different strengths. A person with a weak form of the OCA2 gene will have blue eyes. Likewise a person with a strong form will have brown eyes.

The plot thickens, though, because an individual also has other eye-color genes that each has a say in the final eye-color outcome. For example, if one of these lesser genes is strong, it can make the weak form (blue) of OCA2 work much more effectively — almost like the strong form (brown). Then the eye color may be a light brown or muddy grey. In fact, the resulting color can be any shade of brown, hazel/green, or blue depending on the strengths of the interactions.

.........Two brown-eyed parents can have a blue-eyed child. In fact, this is fairly common.

 

 

USATODAY.com - Blue-eyed parents can have brown-eyed kids and other eye-oddities

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