Jump to content

Devastated because male "friend's" wife is returning after five-month separation


Recommended Posts

Hi Everyone,

 

I found my way here while I was searching the web for info on seperation/loss support. I don't know how I ended up here, but it's been really nice to read the honest opinions and responses of everyone that has posted to another's problems.

I fear I am going to get nailed for my post, but here goes:

I majorly screwed up - I'm getting what I deserve and trust me, let me save you all the typing, I KNOW THIS. The situation is that I became friends with a married man. The wife is out of state and has been for 5 months, (he transferred and she is finally able to leave her job and join him). Anyway, during this time, he and I became great friends. He had no marital problems and we were sincerely just friends. We ended up spending a lot of time together, as I was showing him around the new area. We developed a terrific friendship and then,,,one day,,,something clicked, and it passed the point of "just friends", we basically fell in love with eachother. I know it was wrong, he knows it was wrong, and we have had several very honest (and painful) conversations about the mistakes we've made. The bottom line is that I wish him well with his marriage which he is committed to, and things have ended. It is a relief, but extremely painful. Prior to him, I had pretty much no social life and had spent many years (4) very lonely and isolated due to my job. It was hard to meet people and develop a stable relationship due to my work and, I think, the fact that an incredible person walked into my life and woke my heart up again, well, I really fell for it, and I fell for him. It's over and I am moving away. I know I am getting what I deserve, but after being so lonely for so many years, I am completely devastated and at a real loss as to how to deal WITH this loss. He so affected me. We laughed, listened, talked; it was an incredible feeling with him.

In the future, we will have no contact, which is both of our wishes, but I am still and literally grieving this companionship. I am devastated. Do any of you have any advice to help me cope with this? I know some of you may slam me, and feel free, but your words can not hurt me more than I have hurt myself, him, and his unknowing wife. So please, I just really need some advice on how to deal with this loss.......I have no tears left to cry,,,,,,,,,

Link to post
Share on other sites

No body (worth their cyber-salt) at least here in LS, is going to kick you when you're down - well not too hard and not where you'll bruise. Few feel that their lives are so perfect that they'll cast the stones at someone in grief and, illicit affair or not, you are grieving.

 

How do you deal with it? I guess the same 'rules' apply; give yourself time. Cry, rant rave, drop off and wail at the shackers here. I don't know how much support you can get from friends and family given the nature of the affair but go find out if they'll listen too, as I say to my family, '...it's your JOB and no, you can't resign!..'

 

I would say though, that since you recognise that part of the temptation was that you had in the past sacrificed your emotional life in favour of your professional one, see if you can eventually reach out and forge friendships that will be emotionally fulfilling. Maybe now all you want to do is cry and eat/not eat/not wash/wash occasionally /listen to sad songs/re-read email/letters and contemplate what might have been if things that were, weren't ... but when the time comes, try and have a little faith in life to offer you other friends, other (available) loves; it will you know, one day....

 

Don't isolate yourself, force yourself to do things (preferably for other people less fortunate than you) spoil yourself when you feel like it and stick to your 'no contact' resolve.

 

Good luck,

R.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't matter the reasons behind your pain - the fact remains that you are permanently split from someone you once loved. Pain is pain. The only advice I can offer is to try and separate the guilt and the pain and then dump the guilt. It's in your past now and you can't change the past. Think about the things you learned about yourself while you were with him. The good things. Think about the things you want out of a relationship and what things are most important to you -- Prioritize those things, heck--write them down and make some lists if you need to. Keep that information handy and make adjustments as you move along in life. Refer to it if you find yourself making physical or emotional decisions so that you are confident that you are making the right decisions for you.

 

Make friends, go out with them, invite them over for sad movies and hot tea! Join a gym or get an exercise tape-- something to help take your focus away from him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Errol and Reckless,

 

Thank you for your words and suggestions. I guess in a way, I needed to air these feelings to someone other than him. I choose to remember and "take with me" the parts of our relationship that were beautiful, and I have found myself in the position that I am destroying that option for him, with my overwhelming grief and tears. I, as well, wish for him to remember the good times between us, although the very existence of our relationship in regard to his marriage will be something he will have to reckon with. I realize that is a selfish wish on my part, that I hope he remembers the great times, but it is the one thing that I believe it allowing me to hold myself together at this point. Anyway, I am ruining that option for him because I am having difficulty dealing with it and we have had more than one discussion about this. I need another outlet besides him. Although I know he's there for me, and I him, I need to release him from his concern and care for me.............

 

A bit of background as far as my "years of loneliness". Believe me, it's not by direct choice. Without getting too specific, I work for an organization and am constantly travelling, in country and out of the country. Never in one place for too long, hence, the inability to develop long lasting and stable relationships. My career is not something I can walk away from, I am sorta locked in, and this makes it difficult at times. As mentioned previously, I am transferring yet again, and my future move should provide a better opportunity to "get out" more. However, currently, I am alone and still isolated while trying to deal with this. That, in itself, leaves a lot of time to ponder, wonder, think, drive myself crazy. I can't exactly explain any of this to many of my friends, because of our jobs, and that's why I'm here. I really need an outlet,,,,,,

 

I appreciate your comments. Thanks much for not jumping on the bash-wagon.

 

All the best,,,,,,,

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you have a far more serious problem than you are aware of. You say you went four years without a relationship...and then fell for a man you knew was married. Sounds pretty safe to me. A lot of people who are terrified of intimate, lasting relationships fall for people who are emotionally unavailable or who will eventually have to terminate the relationship for some legitimate reason. Find out why you fell for a guy you absolutely knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would abandon you in time. There's some good reason why you don't spend the energy to go after a partner with whom you can have a healthy, satisfying relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Tony,

 

You mentioned"

 

"There's some good reason why you don't spend the energy to go after a partner with whom you can have a healthy, satisfying relationship"

 

 

Thanks for your comments. I think there's something I need to clarify. I haven't gone a full 4 years without a relationship, rather without a stable and lasting relationship. I've had a few short term relationships, but because of my career and travels it's been impossible to maintain one. I have always been open to meeting a single and available man with whom to fall in love. My issue is not fear of committment.

I think it would also help to explain that, currently, I do not live in an English speaking country. It can be quite difficult to date when there are language barriers. This is just another reason why I've had a difficult past 4 years. Hope that helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your job isolates you to an extent that you can not form sustained relationships, you were extremely vulnerable and now you lack support to help you through this difficult time. That's a high cost for a job. Maybe you get enough positive out of it to make it worthwhile but think about it. It's sometimes hard to step off that treadmill, especially if it's become your whole life. You are not just missing him you are missing the emotional connection with another - I know this sounds obvious but it's worth remembering when you plan for the future. Some people are happier when they feel loved - maybe you are one of them. If so you need to be prepared to change your life to allow it to happen. I hope you find happiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy's marriage couldn't have been that great if he was willing to carry on with you.

 

He is the only winner here; he gets to go back to his married life and he got away with having a good time on the side.

 

Meanwhile you are hurt and the wife is stuck with a cheat.

 

Not to be mean, but cheaters are also liars. If he left his wife for you your life might not have been that great together and who knows, he may have then cheated on you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm with Meanon on this one. I've traveled a lot for a job and know that it can be brutal. Theres a silence when you close your hotel room door thats as bad as anything. But is it worth it? To sacrifice your personal life on the money alter? Life can be much shorter than it seems, don't lose your days to the career machine.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by quickmorph

But is it worth it? To sacrifice your personal life on the money alter? Life can be much shorter than it seems, don't lose your days to the career machine.

 

But when you have a family that you need to feed and a mortgage to pay and there aren't any decent jobs around that pay what you currently earn you don't have much choice.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks for the responses. You guys are correct about my job. It takes a lot out of me. Unfortunately, a career change is simply not an option at this point. The good news is that, as I mentioned, I am relocating. Infact, I am relocating back to the United States, and the very fact that it's an English speaking country will drastically improve my life.

 

Anyway, I am doing a bit better. I still have my moments, but am pulling myself together. I really don't have a choice, do I? The going will be rough, but, it will also get easier. I am looking forward to the latter.

 

As for him, I have nothing but concern, care, and well wishes for him and his life. I know he is going to get past this and work things out. His life, in many aspects, will only improve, and I am happy for that. He's going to be okay,,,,they're going to be okay...........

 

Thanks for the support, everyone. Glad I found this board and I look forward to further exchanges!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...