Need -

[14afreshstart]

2 years ago she filed, a year ago it was final. It's been a struggle to say the least. Now she has a friend from out of state reportedly and I can't stand the thought of a stranger telling my kids what to do. I know I'm in a difficult position but a part of me is still dreaming and hoping we can get back together in a large part due to the 4 kids we have and the feelings I still have for her.

 

I simply feel as if I'm paralyzed not knowing what to do next.

 

How do I go on? Having a hard time keeping my emotions in check in front of my kids. I feel the kids are now feeling in the middle as she recently spent some time with the kids and her new friend and when I asked about what they did, they all felt uncomfortable and acted as if they were hiding something always giving me 1 word answers. Needless to say I didn't know about her friend otherwise I wouldn't have asked the kids anything. I don't see my kids enough and always feel left out of the loop so I find myself always asking a lot of questions to see what I am missing. At any rate, she later sent me an email with a punitive tone asking me not to put the kids in the middle by asking them questions as if I did it on purpose.

 

My heart is in pieces. I responded in an equally nasty note basically telling her I told you so as this divorce wasn't my idea and I fought this divorce all the way for exactly those reasons. However, I opted not to send it.

 

I am leaning towards asking a local Church leader to intercede to see if he can bring us back together but not sure this is worth it as I think it will take a miracle.

 

Any ideas suggestions will be appreciated. God bless

[worldgonewrong]

I'm so sorry, buddy.

Gad, I feel like your post is something I'll be writing 6-10 months into the future, such is the familiarity of your tone and situation.

[marqueemoon4]

I feel you my ex wife is doing her best to cut me out of my sons life with her new fiancee and just had a daughter with him. Unfortunately even an act of God won't make your ex wife want to be with you if she doesn't want to be.

[14afreshstart]

Thanks for the response,

 

They say time can heal all things. but here we are 3 years later and i am still in the same pain with no end in sight.

 

This is really very difficult as we have 4 kids together and see each other almost on a daily basis whether it be due to ongoing sporting events, school activities or for other reasons. And to add to it, we have relatives in common which means we'll be seeing each other for quite a long time. Things like anniversaries, first communions, birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc...

 

if i didn't love her i wouldn't be doing any of this and of course my heart goes out to the kids especially the younger ones as they seem to be feeling it the most.

 

I need to figure a way to get over her without hating her as it seems to be the only way i might be able to move beyond. Yet a big part of me wants to keep hope alive i guess just for the heck of it.

[14afreshstart]

Thanks marqueemoon4,

 

A big part of me feels that she's been planning this for a long time which explains how quickly she decided to introduce her new friend to our kids.

 

and this is where it really hurts the most. knowing that she most likely had someone to the side waiting in the wings while she claiming all along to friends and family that she's worked on our marriage but she couldn't do it alone.

 

now i know, it was totally a show, just fake. i can now look back and see how she manufactured and planned arguments between us to show the kids that we didn't get along and we shouldn't be together. All of this happening while she was on facebook hooking up with old school mates which is where i think she found this new love who lives out of state.

 

with all of this i think i'll still be willing to see if we can work things out should the opportunity present itself. i know some would say i must be crazy. for me divorce never existed in my dictionary, only for situations where there is abuse either physical or emotional, or infidelity,alcohol, drug abuse, etc.. but never for reasons i still don't believe justifying breaking a family.

 

obviously i am at a loss of what to do. i am not motivated, my life, finances, my job are all areas where i am struggling to keep my head above water. i am broke and if it weren't for my kids i would say hell with it all and move away and start a new life.

[findingnemo]

14, please explain to me. You've been separated 2 years and D for one. And it is now that she introduced a man to your kids?

 

What happened to make her file? How old are the kids?

[14afreshstart]

it took roughly a year to go through divorce at which time i probably did all that i shouldn't be doing by begging, pleading, texting, emailing, reading self help books, etc.. basically dragged my feet as i didn't want the divorce and wanted to do whatever possible to save my marriage. during that time i lived in our basement.

so the divorce was over about a year ago at which time i struggled to get a loan and get a place of my own and move out..

 

kids are 16,14,12 and 8. really lost in between, clearly evident in the younger ones. thx

[14afreshstart]

sry, you asked a couple other questions. the reason for the divorce was a technical term i can't remember now, i think something like incompatible differences or something like that. this was after 15 years of marriage that she couldn't wait for to happen when dating. we dated for a couple of years at which time i could do no wrong whatsoever. maybe this should have been a warning sign for me, but nevertheless, given the common /distant relationship and interest we had in common i really doubted she'll ever do something like this. again, i am no saint not a 10 out of 10 but certainly not below zero.

 

it just seems that she piled up every excuse in the book to justify her decision and waited to execute it when our youngest turned 6 as divorce papers were signed on his 6th birthday.

 

not a drinker, smoker, drug user or womanizer, none of those. maybe if any, i might have been a little boring or may have taken her love for granted which i admitted to over and over to her. we went to counseling a couple of times then we stopped after she started looking like the bad person.

 

this is really where i struggle to reconcile the reasons in my head to justify her actions.

 

back to the other man, i suspected something was up right about 6 months or so before she filed as she closed her facebook account and you couldn't find any trace of her anymore. i wasn't much of a "facebooker", but i recall seeing her profile on line with a picture of our youngest and no signs of me anywhere in her pictures, etc.. only pics of the kids. still, again i never ever thought she'll do something like this as the way i was brought up it would take something a lot more dramatic to break up a family.

 

so i believe she's been staying in contact with an old high school friend from out of state and have been planning this all along. she might have even visited him on a couple of long week ends get away.

 

so if this is the first time she introduced or brought this guy around from out of state to meet the kids, then it must be serious, i would think. however i don't think she'll get married that quick as spousal support will cease if she does and she's getting over a 1k a month just for her alone. i also don't think she'll have him living with her as she's definitely about perception and how she's being viewed by others.

 

and before i forget for the last 3 years or so she's been complaining that all her life was about others and now it's her turn, it's about me now. she also sought counseling for the last 5 years or so for personal issues stemming from her not having a relationship with her father since her parents divorced when she was 2. and now she's made efforts to go see him and bring the kids to him to get to know them.

 

so many are probably wondering why are you still pursuing this woman?, well i can't lie, i loved her and was committed to her and still am if at all possible as my entire existence revolved around her. really feel like a fish out of water..

 

and above all i've always dreamed about having this traditional nuclear family together forever. i love my kids to death and it's litteraly kiling me not being able to kiss them in the morning or tuck them to sleep at night, say nightly prayers or have those unplanned one on one moments. i really miss it and can't accept the fact that i've lost my family unit forever. can't accept that every occasion i can 't be with my kids and mom in one house like i grew up.

 

so to sum it up, i think it's a combination of things:

1) a slight difference in upbringing where divorce for me is taboo and she grew up in a broken family, divorce not the end of the world, unfortunately for me at least for now , it is.

2) me being careless taken her love for granted not being as attentive as i should have been, to use her words not speaking her love language?

3) the pressure that comes from being a stay at home mom of 4 kids. not that i forced her to have these wonderful kids.

4) her being simply an unhappy person due to her upbringing and her parents divorce

5) influence from all of her friends, mom, sister are all divorced some multiple times, sure they gave her the quick fix

6) grass is greener on the other side symptom, and maybe even a bit of midlife crisis and where she's heading in life, her basket of things to do, etc...

 

i give up analyzing, thanks for listening and God bless.

[standtall]

Dude..I feel for you.

 

Women with 4 minor children don't leave their marriage unless

 

1. Drug/alcohol issues by you or her.

2. Physical/emotional abuse by you or her.

3. Mental issues by you or here.

4. Third party involvement.

 

There are some misc. other reasons, but this would cover 95%.

 

 

Here's the harsh take...most likely she was making herself a parachute with this other guy from the get go. Don't dig too deep...unless you're prepared for the truth.

[14afreshstart]

i guess that's what i need to come to terms with. the fact that while she was given the luxury of being a stay at home mom with a nice house, a new vehicle every year and relatively control over every thing she was also planning her exodus.

 

i am simply still in a shock, that's how bad this feels. it seems as if i'll be 70 yrs of age and still be in a state of denial. need to take control of myself and my life. can't fathom the thought that someone i trusted with the essence of my being planned and schemed for years all the while claiming and preaching that she tried all she could and she wasn't able to save the marriage by herself.

 

despite my love and respect for her for being the mother of my kids, a good part of me wants so badly to get back at her but unable to formulate a direction with all emotions and thoughts going through my head. i know i'll feel much better if i unload on her, basically saying "i told you so" all the while still fully knowing that it won't bother her a bit

 

i saw her yesterday with the kids and we were talking, she was joking around and she smiled and reminded me of the good old days. later that evening i texted her and told her that "it was nice to see her smile" to which she didn't reply.

 

back to reality, after she filed, i opted not to get a lawyer for almost 3 months as i was in a state of grief and disbelief. however given my obligations to appear in court and friends of the court i had to get a lawyer. she was very upset that i hired a lawyer and how it's going to take money away from our kids. she simply wanted an amicable divorce which i always told her that was an oxymoron. how could you be amicable with someone who used you and now is dumping you.

 

even with a lawyer, i did not give my lawyer any ammunition, i didn't demand anything except my kids which i didn't get of course, i didn't get them even 50% of the time. this was likely due to me being unavailable unmotivated. i, all along in my naive mind questioned what good money would do if i'm going to loose my family and simply didn't care. of course this attitude came right away back to haunt me when i tried for months to qualify for a loan to purchase a new house. and they wouldn'ti now know and suffer from the outcome of my recklessness.

 

i don't know what do, i get sick to my stomach not being with my family even worse with the thought of another man telling my kids what to do and taking my rightful place in my family. thx

[Steen719]

If LS does nothing else for me, it at least makes me know there are good men in the world.. Some days its hard for me to remember that.

 

Sorry for your suffering.

[14afreshstart]

thanks everyone, i sincerely appreciate the responses. sorry but what does "LS" stand for.

 

i am just missing my wife and family terribly. my oldest 3 all have cell phones but they sometimes don't answer and when they do i feel as if they're disengaged almost appearing robotic unemotional maybe even dis genuine, almost always not having much to say, saying things like "I'm tired" leading me to believe they don't have much to say, just going through the motion.

 

maybe i'm making too much of this but i feel as if i'm loosing precious time, special moments and memories with my family. thx

[14afreshstart]

ok i got it, LS is for Love Shack.

[jphcbpa]

Don't blame yourself for "not paying enough attention to her" especially if this was her reason. She is a liar and her "reasons" can't be believed. You are better off taking care of you now. Let her be, she is not coming back but she will never be happy.

[14afreshstart]

bless your heart JPH.

it is really ironic you mentioned she'll never be happy. lord is my witness i wanted nothing but happiness for her even if it has to be in the arms of an another man.

 

she has always been unhappy no matter what, and i accepted her for who she is, in fact i've always told her happiness comes from within not without, but that never registered and she kept going to counseling which when i look back is where i think the divorce option was initiated and gained a foot hold.

 

needless to say, everyone tells me to focus on myself but i am having such a difficult time with that because i am worried about my kids and loosing the family unit that i so longed for. i really really doubt i'll ever be able to accept this status as the new norm, as the new reality, but understand the the need to do so, the sooner the better, then i can begin to build and move on.

 

problem is, i am not known for giving up, that's my challenge to overcome.

[CC12]

I don't see my kids enough and always feel left out of the loop so I find myself always asking a lot of questions to see what I am missing. At any rate, she later sent me an email with a punitive tone asking me not to put the kids in the middle by asking them questions as if I did it on purpose.

 

She's right about this, you know. Asking your kids about their own lives is great, and what you should be doing. But please be very careful about putting them on the spot and making them feel uncomfortable with your questions. You don't want to isolate them. I know you didn't do it on purpose, but asking them about her friend did put them in the middle.

 

I responded in an equally nasty note basically telling her I told you so as this divorce wasn't my idea and I fought this divorce all the way for exactly those reasons. However, I opted not to send it.

 

Good move. Being nasty will just make things worse.

 

so i believe she's been staying in contact with an old high school friend from out of state and have been planning this all along. she might have even visited him on a couple of long week ends get away.

 

the fact that while she was given the luxury of being a stay at home mom with a nice house, a new vehicle every year and relatively control over every thing she was also planning her exodus.

 

can't fathom the thought that someone i trusted with the essence of my being planned and schemed for years all the while claiming and preaching that she tried all she could and she wasn't able to save the marriage by herself.

 

It seems like you're really trying hard to make her out to be a cheating, scheming, gold-digging, terrible person in the three quotes above. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to help you through this, but it seems a little unfair to her, and, more importantly, unproductive for you. Granted, I don't know what went on with her. Maybe she did plan this all out. But you haven't mentioned any evidence of any of that other than "she closed her Facebook account." That means nothing. There are hundreds of reasons she might have done that.

 

My point is, it's doing you no good to be angry about this. She says she tried, you say you tried, and unfortunately it didn't work out. This happens every day. Finger-pointing and speculations don't help you now.

 

I am leaning towards asking a local Church leader to intercede to see if he can bring us back together

 

That may have been helpful before you divorced, but I think that ship has sailed. I'm not completely familiar with religion-based counseling, but I would hope they wouldn't aid you in your stubborn inability to let this go. If you ask a church leader for help, ask for help in coping with a divorce.

[g450]

Don't blame yourself for "not paying enough attention to her" especially if this was her reason. She is a liar and her "reasons" can't be believed. You are better off taking care of you now. Let her be, she is not coming back but she will never be happy.

 

Im guilty of doing this also. Not paying enough attention to my XW. But looking back I realized that I was doing this because she was being a total bitch towards me 99% of the time. Seems the BS tends to be hard on ourselves. But confession is good for the sould. X owns most of it and she has yet to confess anything. I know what I did wrong but later realized that what I did was based mostly on her behavior towards me. That was enlightening to realize and took a weight off my shoulders.

 

I can relate to the OP with regard to and old HS friend out of state taking his wife. Same thing happened to me. I guess some women just never grow the hell up after HS. Some marriages are marriages of convenience. But in my case she didnt have the courtesy to tell me that fact for 23 years.

 

I at least take comfort in knowing that she never got her OM. He is married and has five kids and basically friendzoned her after I emailed him. Or so she claims. Just breaks my heart. Boohoo.

[14afreshstart]

CC12 thanks for the response.

She's right about this, you know. Asking your kids about their own lives is great, and what you should be doing. But please be very careful about putting them on the spot and making them feel uncomfortable with your questions. You don't want to isolate them. I know you didn't do it on purpose, but asking them about her friend did put them in the middle.

 

i feel as if everyday i'm getting a little more distant from my kids. never enough time to spend aside from rushing to her house after work twice a week to pick whomever wants to come with me which is usually my youngest for 2 short hours in which time i have to drive somewhere to eat as i don't have enough time to cook for them.

 

the problem here is when she didn't drop the kids off on time that day she had her friend visiting, i called the kids the oldest ones to find out their eta, and they all sounded very short kind of weird giving me one word answers. i simply called to see when they'll be over. needless to say when the ex dropped them off, it was very evident that they really felt bad and simply didn't look or act their normal selves, they were really avoiding me. it was clear that they were holding something back and i simply had no clue what the issue was and felt as if they needed to talk. it certainly came out rather in an innocent way from my youngest who said mom had a friend but wasn't her boyfriend. to make matters worse, my youngest told me what was going on much to the shigrin of my older kids especially my daughter who was watching and giving her brother the "look" as we were talking.

 

to add to it all, my youngest called his mom nearly every couple of hours to check on her, asking her what she's doing and more importantly if "her company is still there". call me a wimp, a softy which i'm not, kids do not deserve this. furthermore what made this worse is the gull she had in writing to me days later asking me not to ask the kids about her personal life as if i did it on purpose to begin with. if she really cared she wouldn't expose these kids to any of this or at least could even have told me about it instead she asked me not to come and pick up the kids as i usually do as she had to go someplace with the kids. and here again my naievety come to play again as i actually thought she planned on taking the kids to check out a new flat screen tv or new furniture. oh well.

 

so yes, note to self, i have to be very careful what i ask the kids, but it's difficult when you only see them for a short amount of time and you want to find out what you missed out on.

 

Good move. Being nasty will just make things worse.

 

but you know what? at times i come so close to unleashing it, but again, i don't have a mean bone in my body.

 

 

It seems like you're really trying hard to make her out to be a cheating, scheming, gold-digging, terrible person in the three quotes above. Maybe it's a coping mechanism to help you through this, but it seems a little unfair to her, and, more importantly, unproductive for you. Granted, I don't know what went on with her. Maybe she did plan this all out. But you haven't mentioned any evidence of any of that other than "she closed her Facebook account." That means nothing. There are hundreds of reasons she might have done that.

 

i take exception to that. no i wasn't even trying to paint her in a any particular light. unfortunately after the fact now, when i look back i can clearly see and to her credit how methodical and a good planner she was. i won't go into the details but will tell you that despite all of this i still loved her and will always love her as i simply made up my mind when i said i do and i did.

 

maybe what hurts the most is when the very same people you've blindly trusted for years will find the time and energy to plan actions as such when in the same breath they were telling you how hard they've worked on their marriage.

 

 

My point is, it's doing you no good to be angry about this. She says she tried, you say you tried, and unfortunately it didn't work out. This happens every day. Finger-pointing and speculations don't help you now.

 

 

 

That may have been helpful before you divorced, but I think that ship has sailed. I'm not completely familiar with religion-based counseling, but I would hope they wouldn't aid you in your stubborn inability to let this go. If you ask a church leader for help, ask for help in coping with a divorce.

 

last but not least, i will do anything and will stop at nothing to give my kids the life and family unit they truly deserve which has been ripped unfairly and stolen from them by the same person who claimed such action in their name.

[14afreshstart]

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much pain:(.... often life just seems so unfair. Just wanted to encourage you to get yourself to a healthy place mentally and emotionally for your kids. Right now you can't change what has happened , but you can take positive steps to "be all there" for your children. They need you, dad. Maybe you need to talk to a therapist..someone you can trust to give you guidance. I work at Focus on the Family and we offer free counseling over the phone with licensed professionals. Here and here are a couple of books you might want to check out...it's good to read the stories of others that can not only relate to your situation, but also give you hope for a brighter future. I'm praying for you, 14afreshstart. Be strong..you have 4 beautiful lives to pour yourself into.

 

hey girl next door, bless your heart. wish you really were next door.

 

thank you so much for the words of encouragement, i do indeed need a lot of those these days. life isn't the same without my family.

 

i know i lived for my family all these years. my mere existence was for my family as i didn't make many friends outside my home. i trusted and believed that all i need was there for me at home.

 

i do need to gather myself and somehow figure a way to stop looking back. it pains me to know that my kids are going to miss out on the most important thing in life a loving family with mom and dad living according to the master plan.

 

yes i will try focus on the family therapy if i could but would rather consult with someone in person. i also will check out those books you referenced as i too agree that inspirational and positive real life stories are definitely uplifting and encouraging as i charge ahead into the unknown. God bless.