MajorDepression Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 We've been married for 21 years and have 3 grown boys in college. About 10 months ago she got a new managers job. She started changing. she was getting all her emotional needs met at work, not an affair. she started pulling back from me and showing up late with many reasons. I started throwing dishes, not at her or to hurt or scare her, but to display my anger. She kept pushing my button to get me angry like that time and time again. she finaly left for 4 days, then I got her back, then she left again and came back 5 days later and finally left about 5 months ago. She wouldnt talk to me for 2 weeks, then text only, then finaly she started coming over and talking to me on the phone everyday. She was paying my bills and said she just needed time to not be afraid of me. Of course the story as to why she left and why she doesnt come back changes up and down a bit. Also, she became good friends with this 23 yrold from work. Every one thought she was cheating. It turns out that she wasn't. Ok, so things are going ok,, but about a month ago she starts putting up more communication barriers, alot to do with me begging and crying to her to come home. She stoped coming over as much and started having all kinds of excuses. Then about a week ago she moved in with this 23yr old. she claims shes in a separate room and pays rent and is not cheating nor has she cheated. I just don't know. It is possible that she is doing this cause she knows it will make me very mad. But, now shes talking like she doesnt want to work it out with me. I'm thinking of doing the 180. Help, I'm confused with her confusion. I know she still loves me, she says so all the time. She also says one thing about how we are gonna work it out,but the next sentence is almost a contradiction. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
analystfromhell Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Please do the "180". If your marriage is the motivation, great. If improving your sense of overall satisfaction and rebooting your own life is the motivation even better but please take every opportunity and whatever motivation works to make sure you get the most out of every day. If she returns and you'd like to reestablish a relationship great but you'll never regret doing everything you can to improve yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wow04 Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 You haven't come out and said it, but I take the 23 yr old is a male? Have you heard of an emotional affair? In my opinion that is what is going on. If you want this to work I would suggest marriage counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Then about a week ago she moved in with this 23yr old. she claims shes in a separate room and pays rent and is not cheating nor has she cheated. This sounds like the biggest load of bull I've ever heard. You're obviously in deep denial. And I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) We've been married for 21 years and have 3 grown boys in college. About 10 months ago she got a new managers job. She started changing. she was getting all her emotional needs met at work, not an affair. she started pulling back from me and showing up late with many reasons. I started throwing dishes, not at her or to hurt or scare her, but to display my anger. She kept pushing my button to get me angry like that time and time again. she finaly left for 4 days, then I got her back, then she left again and came back 5 days later and finally left about 5 months ago. She wouldnt talk to me for 2 weeks, then text only, then finaly she started coming over and talking to me on the phone everyday. She was paying my bills and said she just needed time to not be afraid of me. Of course the story as to why she left and why she doesnt come back changes up and down a bit. Also, she became good friends with this 23 yrold from work. Every one thought she was cheating. It turns out that she wasn't. Ok, so things are going ok,, but about a month ago she starts putting up more communication barriers, alot to do with me begging and crying to her to come home. She stoped coming over as much and started having all kinds of excuses. Then about a week ago she moved in with this 23yr old. she claims shes in a separate room and pays rent and is not cheating nor has she cheated. I just don't know. It is possible that she is doing this cause she knows it will make me very mad. But, now shes talking like she doesnt want to work it out with me. I'm thinking of doing the 180. Help, I'm confused with her confusion. I know she still loves me, she says so all the time. She also says one thing about how we are gonna work it out,but the next sentence is almost a contradiction. I don't know. Hey man, I am sorry for your situation. I have to agree with WgW in that you are in denial. She moved in with a 23 year old guy and "nothing has happened"? Come on? Really? I do not mean to bash you or anything, on the contrary, I place the blame entirely on her because this is, (even in the unlikely event that she has done nothing with this guy, which is as likely as the chance of being struck by lightning AND winning the lottery on the same day), just wrong behavior for a married person, let alone a woman. By throwing **** around you accomplish nothing, I am sure you know this, but you have to watch it because one of those dishes on the wall could turn into a domestic violence call to the police and that could really damage your case if it gets to divorce court. 180 and NC are the only things I would recommend to you right now, MC would not do much in your current situation, where she is in all essence and literally living with OM. She needs to know that, regardless of your behavior (which you are prepared to address by going to counseling, etc), such a thing as living with OM will not be tolerated. She will not disclose a PA with this man, or should I say "boy"?, (an EA is a given), and unless you find a way to get at her text messages, emails, etc, you will not be able to prove it... so the pickle here is how would MC work with a huge white elephant in the room? In my opinion to really get past an affair, be it a EA or PA, you need a D-day. I am sorry buddy, but as matters stand she is playing you like a puppet... She knows how to tick you off, and she is getting what she wants... Stand up for yourself! (Don't feel bad about it, my wife has been doing this for 10 years and only now am I loosening the knot on my nutsack). Take care and keep posting. E. Edited April 13, 2012 by elfman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MajorDepression Posted April 14, 2012 Author Share Posted April 14, 2012 (edited) Ok, I'm trying to answer this post, but this is my fourth time, I keep hitting some key on my lap top that wipes out all my work. Here's the facebook message I found, the only one. Between OM, OM's female cousin and, my Wife. OMs cousin: Miss you Cuz when you comin to dallas? Wife: We come up all the time but we miss you OMs cousin: Well I hope to meet you soon OM: We're coming next week Wife: I wish to meet you too OMs cousin: I'm OMs coolest cusin lol Wife: So I've heard OMs cousin: Really what he say lol you tell me Wife: I know everything lol OMs cousin: That's good communication makes a great relationship lol hope to see you soon. Wife: We do have that. I did confront my wife via facebook and we talked alot about it. She says they are kissing cousins, thats what she knows everything about, but the relationship refers to just friends. The OM and cousin are hispanic mix, so they may use relationship to mean freinds possible. I don't know. I sorta can feel that she may not be having a PA cause the OM looks bout 15 yrsold, very small, skinny all over, and ugly big time. But the EA is a very strong one. I told her she couldn't stay there, she is a married female, and only if i give permission, but I don't. that just the way it works. As of now, she says she's staying. The OM gave me access to his facebook profile and I looked at all the messages back and forth and they all seemed like nonsense chatter between them two and about 3 or 4 other employees. I am going to get her phone soon and check it. But she could have already deleted the bad one, and it is possible that they talk like friends until they get behind closed doors. I'm am physically falling apart, I have bad anxiety/panic attacks sometimes, and major depression. No food, no sleep. but I am getting better and going to a therapist next week. Doesn't my wife have to get out of the EA before we can do marriage counceling? How do I get her to stop staying there? The good thing is that usually if I push her with argueing to do something, she will jump to "its over then" or "well thats why I left". But she didn't. She was real adamant about prooving her innocense. She didn't get defensive for along time. And I got access to OMs facebook profile and messages. I told her we'll give it a few days of thought, but if she wanted to stay there, she needed my permission, and I might give it if we can talk face to face, and she gives me her phone number, and arrange marriage counciling. I can use it as leverage. Cause I sorta think she is only having an EA. Also, I didnt tell her, but I don't think I'll let her stay past the end of this month since she paid alot of money. She can find another place or come home if she can get over her supposed fear. And the 180 will probably be best since we do have to talk occasionaly bout children, home business, and car pooling family members. Also to add: she did text with me in the morning and opened up a little. She repeats this statement a few times now. "Like I said, when I left the third time it was for good and I had no intentions of coming back. I didnt think you cared" "I gave you many chances even christmas and several times after. I don't know if you deserve anymore." She says these almost word for word, maybe 3 or 4 times in 5 months. It must be important, I don't know what shes trying to say or what response she is looking for. And, I don't throw dishes anymore, and my anger has greatly reduced to near non-existant. But, I still have Generalized Anxiety and Social anxiety and PTSD and Major Depression so I can look excited in tense situations, and my voice gets louder. Its hard for her to distinguesh, and she was abused as a child by step dad from 8 to 11. She avoids conflict at all costs, lying and misrepresenting the truth are at the top of the list. She also falls into this victimn phase some times, even when we have sex, she never initiates, but waits for me then she turns it into a fight first, then we might have sex, so step dad sexual abuse her and physicaly and emotionaly. Its so bad that she doesn't really recognize these behaviours and thus she has paint our whole relationship as mostly bad and tense, and hardly remembers good times. How did we make it 22 years? It was love. I know she cares, she said this in the morning also, "I want you to know, I never tried to hurt you in any way or toy with your anxiety or your emotions. I tried to save your feelings and make it easier on you." Make what easier, she replies "just the leaving". She is starting to talk to me more though, as long as I don't get all cry baby on her, and keep my emotions in check. But, I still need to pull away from her with 180 and make her think I'm giving up and moving on. But still communicating with her some. I don't want to do this. One more thing: sometimes when we try to discuss where our relationship is going and how to reconcile, I get this feeling based on how she says stuff and tries to avoid saying certain things certain ways, that she might just want to not be with me anymore and never come back, but she is trying to string me along and hope that I can slowly be more stable to handle it. I'm not that unstable, but with the depression, I can get really teary and cry uncontrolably and I can get suicidal ideologies, I won't make an attempt at my life though. And I can now get ahold of myself and not get that way. I'm thinking she is confused and that we shouldn't talk about relationship stuff until we've had time to emotionaly detach a little bit. Is this right? Edited April 14, 2012 by MajorDepression added more Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 I'm thinking she is confused and that we shouldn't talk about relationship stuff until we've had time to emotionaly detach a little bit. Is this right? Well...avoidance doesn't bring couples together. Communication does. Link to post Share on other sites
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